[Counsel Dew]

Really?

But when the dog understands you better than your wife does?

I was surprised to read this...

A lack of communication rarely is due to one party not communicating...

A dog wants to be loved and attempts to please their owner...Dog 101. If people were so acceptable and non-judgmental, relationships would be easier...

However, perhaps it is the wife's fault the dog knows him better?

[Counsel Dew]

My thoughts

The counseling might help... The issue is why doesn't she feel emotionally connected to you... This "topic" needs to be discussed.

We all have wants... The "needs" are food, water, air, etc. and not, imho, the things that would please us in a relationship... We don't HAVE to have them, but it sure would be nice

So, we need to give and take.

Get her to list why she feels so little emotional connection. Either in a checklist or a narrative. Read that list/narrative as if a friend gave it to you... See if you can see, in a detached manner, why she might get that feeling from you... Regardless of your intent, understand she feels that way... You have a few choices, but the relevant ones are:

1. Alter behavior to help her feel emotional connected;
2. Counseling to see if her beliefs/needs are rational--perhaps she is being unreasonable and needs to do the same list/narrative thinking you are doing;
3. Some combination of 1 & 2; or
4. Rationally end the relationship.

I find #3 generally works since relationship problems rarely are created by one party. When they are, the party in question may find change easier with a therapist since the therapist won't be "judging" them in a way they feel you are (even if you are just a loving person...).

Perception is important.

Good luck!

[sexincyprus]

Good God this makes me wonder... my wife has been refusing sex for some time, i mean if we do it than its mostly because i am nagging and it makes me feel pretty low. It has been a lot better for the last few months to be honest but i would like it if she took some initiative every once in a while.

[locknut]

I totally understand what you are going through minivan man. It’s not sex for sex sake it’s about wanting to make love, they are two different things. Counseling and therapy is like throwing money at a plumbing problem and hiring a computer geek to fix it. They are like lawyers in my book if you have the money they will extend the time needed to help you. It is a problem that enviable can only be solved by the two of you. Your wife and mine could be twins. The only thing stopping me from leaving is I would have to start all over. I think I know how you feel I have been sleeping on the sofa for about three years. Funny thing with me is I can have sex with her any time I want. Why would I want it? It’s not making love, it’s more like rape. Sure she says we she really enjoys it after we get started but until that point it just feels like I am taking advantage of an unwilling soul. I have had more than a few times to stray but until I finally decide I had enough and get a divorce I won’t. That’s just a matter of time before that happens. For me the love is gone.

[Tool]

Wow this topic pretty much hits on 100 percent what I went threw with my Wife last year.

Im not sure how it all started, but she wasn't meeting my sexual needs and I wasn't meeting her emotional needs. Which meant we both were both resenting each other.

Here is what we did to fix the problem.

I had to spend more quality time with her, and not ditch her in the evening.
I had to be more helpful around the house without her needing to ask me to do things.

When I was resenting her, I didnt want to be around her or help her.

Also she is a very power hungry person, so I had to take the power back from her and be a man and not take her .

I was a wimp and let her walk all over me. When I put a stop to this, I could see her just fall in love with me all over again.

Then in return, she needed to be more sexual with me. The BS excuses about being tired had to stop. She even admitted to it, she would say that to get out of it.

Then like Magic her desire for me returned, and the sex has been amazing. We are once again that perfect couple that is just amazingly happy.

At first it was a little tough, she wanted me to change and said she needed time. With my new backbone I told her that is BS and I wasn't changing if she isn't. Well she changed =)

I love my Wife so much!!!!

[Tool]

And about the Masterbation, it really hurt when I caught her doing it. I had a feeling for the longest time she was doing it. She would always say she could go for weeks without having sex if she wanted. Then I find the truth lol. She was doing it the whole time with herself!! To this day she doesn't know I caught her, but I figured out her routine. So now in the morning when she takes those really long showers, I join her!! She thought it was a little weird at first, but now she loves it. And the morning sex at times can be great.

[groupieindenial]

Just seems like there is a lot of pressure in this relationship to have sex. For women, their sexual drive is more to do mental turn on than physical. There is obviously a lot more going on here as MiniVanMan has described that has to do with their relationship that is affecting their sex life. You both seem to have adapted by turning to masturbation. WHile masturbating outside of the sexual relationship is healthy, normal for couples as long as it isn't a substitute. It's definitely a sad situation that this has progressively gotten worse over SOO many years. It's going to be a tough road to repair the damage in your relationship. You've become so disconnected over the years, to the point where there is no intimacy.

I hope things continue to improve for you MiniVan man. ALl I can say, is maybe if you try to remember what it was like before you got married, what your relationship was like and try to bring yourself back to that feeling. Maybe if you try to court her like you used to, it will make her feel special. I know paying attention to details and complimenting her on the things that would make her feel special again. It's all the little things, like sweet gestures that can make a difference. Not grand gestures, just thoughtful ones. You need to be her best friend on the mental level. Hopefully she'll respond positively in return, and that can lead to repairing the disconnect that has evolved over the years.

[WildChild]

Van Man hasn't been around for a while. If you are responding I suggest you direct your responses to the more recent contributor to the thread or to the general topic.

[MiniVanMan]

Still here... we're separating.

Oh, I'm still around. I kind of vowed to just say positive things if I post anything, and there really haven't been any positive events in my marriage to discuss.

Last fall she agreed to have sex with me whenever I wanted, just to make me happy. That worked fine for about two weeks, and then the excuses started. She was too tired, or something was bothering her, or despite the fact that I was all over her she thought I didn't want to have sex and rolled over and went to sleep. Doesn't matter, because as I've said before I don't want her to have sex just to please me. I want her to want it too. And she never does.

Around that time I walked in on her while she was masturbating. First time that's happened. I didn't mention it, got what I needed and left the room.

I've just resigned myself to the fact that this marriage can not work. We've been simply polite with each other, and we stopped touching of any kind. No hugging. No spooning in bed. Nothing. After a couple of months of this, we went back to our counselor where my wife admitted that she just didn't have the energy to work on "us" anymore. She wasn't sure if it was permanent or not. I told her I felt the same way, and that for me it was permanent. I was done. I wanted out. She agreed. So the plan is to take it slowly but definitely separate when we can afford it. She needs to find a job first.

The counselor commented that the energy in the room changed significantly once we agreed our marriage was over. She said we both became more animated and talkative and open to each other. We're going to continue to see her for advice as we negotiate our separation.

So that's it. Marriage done. This is our third time agreeing to separate but the previous two times we almost immediately got back together. That's not happening this time. I'm really finished. I dread the thought of telling our kids, of dividing up our stuff, of breaking up this family. But I just can't do this anymore.

Thanks to everyone who posted. I appreciate each and every one of you.

[WildChild]

It is difficult but you will know that you gave it all that you could. So long as the two of you keep the kids best interests at heart, they will be fine. I wish you good things for the future as you move beyond this.