[MiniVanMan]

Changes

My wife saw our counselor alone again last week. I didn't ask how it went. I just couldn't.

But since then she seems to be acting much less like a control freak and being less confrontational overall. It must be something she's working on with the counselor because she's never been like this before. I've noticed on several occasions her catching herself when she's about to correct me or blurt out something totally contrary to what I've said or done, and instead just happily support my position and move on. And she's been acting really happy. Part of that I'm sure is because we've been camping with friends for 4 days, but still, even when we're alone she's being particularly nice.

It's all very weird and to be honest, it's freaking me out.

[Hopeless Dork]

Try your best to not overanalyze why she is being more nice and take it for what it is. Sometimes, I guess because of your history ... you are waiting for the other shoe to drop, but thats no way to live. If things are good, bask in that sunlight for awhile without worrying about it too much.

[WildChild]

If you just respond positively and don't make a big deal out of it she is more likely to continue. Try an oblique compliment? "It's great to see you so happy."

[MiniVanMan]

WC and HD, responding positively is difficult for me. I'm so gun shy after 20 years of put downs that I don't know if I can do that. I'm not even sure at this point if I want to. I know that sounds bad but I'm just in a hopeless state of mind right now.

We had a couples session this morning. My wife was in tears almost from the beginning, saying that no matter what she did I would never change. She feels my responses to her are "always monotone" or worse and that is how I'll always be. Note: This is after the counselor recently diagnosed me with a mild form of Asberger's syndrome, essentially explaining to my wife that I have behavioral traits that can not be changed. They can be worked on, they can be influenced, but not changed like they could in a normal person.

She also expressed concern that my love language is physical touch and that for her physical attraction will always be temporary (the novelty wore off 20 years ago) and very, very low on the priority list. At that point I agreed that I also felt she could never change to meet my needs, either.

The session started to go towards the two of us divorcing but then the counselor asked her what she needs to feel loved and my wife couldn't even say. Not that she didn't want to, but she simply didn't know. The counselor said that we need to find out so that I can make her feel loved which will in turn make her want to be physical with me. That sparked some optimism for my wife, and after more encouragement from the counselor she left the session with a smile on her face.

So I thought we were about to start a formal separation but by the end of the hour things were looking more like we're staying together to go through the "therapeutic process", as the counselor calls it. She said after this process we may find we still can't meet each others needs and we'll separate. Or we may find happiness. The only way to know is to try.

Our 20th wedding anniversary is next week. My wife wants to go on a trip somewhere to celebrate (at our counselor's suggestion). That makes me a little uneasy but okay, I'll go with it and see what happens.

[WildChild]

Just making a very quick survey of some info on Asberger's syndrome, there is a school of thought that in many cases this does resolve in adulthood, so don't be too quick to box yourself into the can't change roll. That you have been on here and seeking answers and support, argues that you are open to changes. Too often we accept other's perceptions and then consciously or subconsciously guide ourselves by them.

Do you feel that this relationship can be salvaged? Do you want it to be? You've obviously fallen into a self protective pattern of emotionally flat lining yourself but it can't be too deeply engrained or you wouldn't be here. would you? What would it take for you to feel safe to open up to loving and being joyful?

[MiniVanMan]

Do you feel that this relationship can be salvaged? Do you want it to be? You've obviously fallen into a self protective pattern of emotionally flat lining yourself but it can't be too deeply engrained or you wouldn't be here. would you? What would it take for you to feel safe to open up to loving and being joyful?

Most of the time I feel it can not be salvaged and I just want out. There are sparks of hope for me occasionally. Like last night after crawling into bed, my wife started a conversation. At first we were both feeling hopeless (apparently I was wrong that she was feeling good after our session earlier in the day). The more we talked the more I explained that we have different love languages and we both feel incapable of meeting each other's needs. My wife, in tears, shouted out "THEN WHAT THE F*CK ARE WE GOING TO DO????" I pointed out that our counselor has a process for us that we need to get through. At the end of that we'll see where we stand. My wife seemed to calm down, and we laid there in the dark silently for a couple minutes. Then she seemed to come to some kind of resolve in her own mind to do her utmost to make our relationship work.

She said she was aware that I had been aroused as usual that morning. She told me that I didn't have to take care of it myself. All I had to do was make her aware of it, and she'll be happy to be a part of making me satisfied. When I countered that she hates morning sex she said that if that's what it takes to make me feel loved then she'll do it, and she'll do it freely and willingly. It may not always be sex, it may be just getting me off in one way or another, but it will be done to make me happy.

Wow. That kind of effort makes me feel there might be hope after all.

So what would it take to make me open up to feel loving and joyful? That's a really good question. The answer to me is simple: apart from the physical aspects, I need positive reinforcement. I want responses from my wife that are optimistic, encouraging, and not put downs. I don't want to feel like she thinks I'm an idiot. I want more overt happiness from her. I realize that's what she's been doing lately and I just need to get my mind wrapped around this new behavior. I need to see it as the norm rather than an exercise the counselor asked her to do.

The roller coaster continues.

[WildChild]

It sounds like you are starting a positive spiral rather than a roller coster.

[MiniVanMan]

Anniversary Present?

Looks like I was wrong about her being nice recently. After a long talk she said she hasn't been trying to be nicer or less assertive. Rather, she's just completely given up on contradicting me or my actions because it doesn't help our relationship. It just increases tension and she doesn't want that.

She also gave me some ideas on how to love her. One was, despite the fact that she has downplayed our anniversary for 20 years (I've remembered it more often than she has over the years), and we've hardly ever given each other gifts, she says she would appreciate being given something. Even if it's stupid or she hates it (which would be typical), that would be better than getting nothing. She needs to know that I care.

Great. All through our relationship she's told me she'd rather we keep the money than have me spend it on her. But now our anniversary is on Wednesday and I have until then to figure out something to give her. She doesn't wear perfume or makeup. She occasionally wears ear rings but I've gotten those for her in the past more than once. She dislikes trinkets. Every time we look at clothes together she hates what I pick out for her.

The best I can come up with is a reservation at our favorite fancy restaurant.

[WildChild]

How about a spa day or massages for two?
A night at a hot springs?
Having a catering service come in a prepare a special meal for the two of you?
Get on line and find out your local tantric center, see what they have to offer?
A book by a favored author, a box of chocolates, some good teas (check your local Origins store they should carry Tea Forte')
Don't just go out to dinner at the same place, what's new, what's hot? Who's supposed to be the rising star chef? How about a carriage ride before or after?
Don't know where you live, if you have any major museums or galleries or good theater - how about an exhibit or show and dinner in some ethnic nook?
Shake it up a little, spread your wings, try something new.

[MiniVanMan]

Good Ones!

Thanks WC, those are some good ideas.