[Hopeless Dork]

I dont think guys do it specifically to hurt their significant other. Its a selfish act that has nothing to do with anything but them and what they want in that moment.

I think the only thing a woman faced with a guy that would rather give his sexual attention to pictures of girls on the internet than to her is to get her sexual attention eslewhere.

I'm not advocating cheating, I'm fully against it. But there are safe and distant ways for women to get sexual attention from men when their own man is too busy giving his to random porn chicks to give it to her.

I don't think its possible for a man to understand the mind-ferk hurt involved for a woman that wants nothing more to have sex with her s.o but he won't or can't because he's already spent his sexual energy on internet pr0nz. So its pointless to try to explain it. And 'controlling' to try to get him to change it.

The best she can do is find her own way to get her need for sexual attention met in similar 'safe and distant' way to his porn use. If he happens to want her and she's already taken care of and isn't interested... it should not be hard for him to digest as he built the situation.

[Fallen1]

Have you ladies considered that the issue MAY be one of "control?" Men when they marry give up the right to have sex with anyone else.

And women don't?

[SaharaJim]

And women don't?

Of course they do. What I was asking though is what about "other " forms of sexual expression. Do you hear men seeking to ban the "bodice-riper" romantic novels? Or complaining that they can't compare with DIRK MANLEY in the novel so the novels are ruining their sex life? What i am hearing is some women feel threatened and insecure so that seek to "control" men's viewing of porn. I don't mean to come onto a WOMAN's forum and argue with you. I just am suggesting that you say you can't understand why men watch porn and then lie when questioned about it. What did you expect. He is going to say:" yes dear I know this hurts and offends you - that's why I do it" WHY does he need to "justify" it? Because some women feel insecure about it? So if he feels "insecure " about her having employment she shouldn't?

[LanaBear]

Of course they do. What I was asking though is what about "other " forms of sexual expression. Do you hear men seeking to ban the "bodice-riper" romantic novels? Or complaining that they can't compare with DIRK MANLEY in the novel so the novels are ruining their sex life? What i am hearing is some women feel threatened and insecure so that seek to "control" men's viewing of porn. I don't mean to come onto a WOMAN's forum and argue with you. I just am suggesting that you say you can't understand why men watch porn and then lie when questioned about it. What did you expect. He is going to say:" yes dear I know this hurts and offends you - that's why I do it" WHY does he need to "justify" it? Because some women feel insecure about it? So if he feels "insecure " about her having employment she shouldn't?

But if you read the threads and there are a lot of them, the general consensus is that the problem is when the man looks at porn, masturbates to porn over being with their wife, girlfriend, fiance. Yeah, if you can't get sex out of your man, but he's getting randy with his hand and Mrs Plastic on the screen, straight you are going to be insecure about it.

The man is not giving her the attention she wants or craves, but is giving plenty of attention to the pornstar on the screen... And the woman is doing without. So, he shouldn't have to justify why he can get his kicks off solo, yet leave her wanting?

[rcoreyus]

The porn discussion keeps confusing several different situations - argh. (he lets assume the porn watcher is male).

1. He watches porn and doesn't want to have sex with her. Clearly this is a serious problem.

2. He watches porn and it has encouraged him to want things in bed that she doesn't want. This is trickier - maybe due to the porn they are no longer sexually compatible.

3. He watches porn and it doesn't affect their sex life, but it does offend /upset her. This is tricky. What is and is not reasonable to be upset by in a relationship? Cheating (yes), having other friends (no), talking with friends (no), flirting (maybe), porn(???). I don't think this one is clear.

4. He watches porn only when she won't sleep with him. I wouldn't blame him for this one. She isn't losing anything by this.

[SaharaJim]

Thanks for the thoughtful replies. I agree w/rcoreyus that it is a broad issue and open to cross discussions. As I understood the original poster, their sex life was fine and they were happy with each other and moved in together. After a short period she notices his attention to computer sites goes looking finds porn and that becomes an "issue". It seems to me (from my male prospective) that it wasn't an issue between them until they moved in together and she doesn't like the fact that he has a habit she doesn't like because.....(rcoreys-3). Is it worth creating problems to control his actions? She's insecure/he's not considerate of her feelings and the situation could grow to the train wreck HD was describing. I think in this instance "porn+/- s a side issue. the REAL issue is control in the relationship. Moving in together is tough and compromise is essential.

[WildChild]

the REAL issue is control in the relationship. Moving in together is tough and compromise is essential.

In some case it is a moral/control issue. However consider that there are men who use sex or witholding sex as a control over the woman in their life. You commit to monogamy and then they start witholding sex. They are getting off to porn and are fine with that, the woman is left with her five fingers and isn't fine with it. This is no different than a woman who has a constant "headache" (which good sex could cure). It happens far more often than you imagine. There are a lot of men in the world who aren't interested in sex or in making the effort to connect with the woman in their lives. Porn simply worsens the problem.

Do some reading here, this has been extensively discussed, many of us have or are dealing with it.

[SaharaJim]

Actually Wildchild I have been reading on this forum for three years. I only registered to comment on this recent post. Yes the great porn debate rages. But this poster only seemed to have an "issue" after her boyfriend and she started living together. She says their sex life is fine she just has a problem with his viewing porn. OK- they need to discuss without condemnation or criticism to see if a compromise can be reached. Her feelings are hurt/ He may feel his freedom is being unfairly restricted.
If they can't reach a compromise then DTMFA. In my experience once either party starts withholding sex to "control" the relationship the party is OVER.

[Fallen1]

OK- they need to discuss without condemnation or criticism to see if a compromise can be reached. Her feelings are hurt/ He may feel his freedom is being unfairly restricted.
If they can't reach a compromise then DTMFA. In my experience once either party starts withholding sex to "control" the relationship the party is OVER.

Agreed on the compromise comment.

No one likes being told what they can and cannot do but should the other partner, whether it's the male or female, have to live constantly hurt by their mates actions. As I've stated before it is a tough, very tough issue.

[SaharaJim]

If you really love someone then you by definition can't keep doing things that you know "hurt" them. IMHO Something has to change or the relationship will not survive. Either the behavior has to stop or a way must be found for it to stop "hurting". Easy to say...I know.