[Gearhead]

Don't know why I got deleted yesterday but my observation is that some type of addiction may be present in the relationship. Sexual anorexia potentially as well. Just asking you to reflect on that. Your responses to her reactions aren't a good sign and neither are her responses. Trying to be helpful.

I can tell you right now that I'm not a sex addict. I never have been. I have a friend who was a sex addict and he would have to have gratification as many as 8, 9 or 10 times a day. Me personally, if I am able to have that a couple to 3 or 4 times a week, I would be in seventh heaven. But I'm not about to go out and pay for it. Nor am I going to go and get my rox off looking at pictures on the internet. Granted, I enjoy looking at a magazine (Playboy...the others don't really suit my personality) or the forwarded emails I get, but I delete them and move on. So I honestly don't think I have a sex addiction or problem. I just want to be wanted by my wife more than once a month or every other month.

You've bought a few interesting people out of the woodworks, joining this Forum because of your thread and it's interesting to note that others are seeking the answer, for themselves as well.

I just hope that someone else can benefit from this too. Not just me or someone like me, but maybe even the woman on the other end of a similar situation.

There is something wrong here......

Is it, too much for her? Work, being a teacher, caring for the house, the children?

Or, is there a glandular, thyroid, or other problem that is making her weak, tired?

It's funny you say this because come to think of it, at her last GYN appt. she was shaky and talked to her Dr. about it. She has a family history of tremors and she has always had a very mild form of it too. But she was telling the Dr. about the fact that she has to eat something to start to feel better. Doc said that she needed to have the regular practitioner check it. That she might be "hypo or hyper glycemic" in addition to the tremors. Whether that has anything to do with her sex drive, you got me, I'm in the nail pounding business ....

Do you mind giving an idea of how often he did want sex when you were doing it whenever he wanted?

I don't think that it is out of the realistic realm to plan for 7 times a week, but to count on 3-4. That is what would make me peachy-keen! But I would be happy with 1-3 times regularly.

[croalstad]

I would say about 4 times a week!

One quick question to you, my husband told me he keeps track of how little we make love, this shocked and bewildered me like he needed to meet a quota, do most men do that?

[imagoodone]

I can tell you right now that I'm not a sex addict.

OK, hows the eating, spending, gambling? How's the anger level regarding the sex issue. Why does it matter at all if you have sex? (I know that sounds like a crazy question but it's legit). If you have a friend that's an addict you may have more in common than you recognize. I'm not attacking, just trying to potentially enlighten.

[imagoodone]

I would say about 4 times a week!

One quick question to you, my husband told me he keeps track of how little we make love, this shocked and bewildered me like he needed to meet a quota, do most men do that?

It's not a good sign. Why did he think that was necessary? OCD type behavior possibly or more. If there's counting it's likely not because he's glowing in gratitude of abundance, but just the opposite.

[imagoodone]

I'm struggling to find where you think he has some type of addiction, I've read this thread many many times and just don't see it... Because he wants to have sex with his wife, which by what he has posted does not seem excessive, you pinpoint him as harboring some addictive tendencies? Please do explain.

There are several flags. The counting and keeping track, etc. Obsession. The resentments. The fights that have become a pattern regarding sex. The anger about the back rubs (and resentment). The threat about cheating. A lack of real relationship intimacy (not sex). If you snoop around and check information about "is my significant other addicted to porn", etc. you may see some interesting information). Sex addiction is about many types of behavior, not just porn. Affairs, and etc.

[LanaBear]

There are several flags. The counting and keeping track, etc. Obsession. The resentments. The fights that have become a pattern regarding sex. The anger about the back rubs (and resentment). The threat about cheating. A lack of real relationship intimacy (not sex). If you snoop around and check information about "is my significant other addicted to porn", etc. you may see some interesting information). Sex addiction is about many types of behavior, not just porn. Affairs, and etc.

Yeah, well, after going through it for years, you do get resentful because you are being denied the pleasure of having sex with your other half.

Where did he speak of threats of cheating, I don't see it, I guess I could be blind. Have you read the entire thread, all of his posts? Where he talks about the extreme love he has for his family.

Obsession, hardly, over what? After years of going through this, it wears a person down. When one half is saying you never want sex and the other is saying you always want it, so what if you keep track, if you've got the evidence, there's little argument to be had.

We're not talking about porn, we're talking about a man wanting to have sex with a wife that is never interested.

You seem hellbent on attacking him for wanting sex, but yet, have nothing to say for her lack of desire? Did you fail to read where he takes care of the kids, the house, cooks dinner, etc., and she still has no desire?

As for Lyon....

[Fallen1]

There are several flags. The counting and keeping track, etc. Obsession. The resentments. The fights that have become a pattern regarding sex. The anger about the back rubs (and resentment). The threat about cheating. A lack of real relationship intimacy (not sex). If you snoop around and check information about "is my significant other addicted to porn", etc. you may see some interesting information). Sex addiction is about many types of behavior, not just porn. Affairs, and etc.

I'm sorry but I fail to see where any of this ties into the poster's situation. I think Lana's response is more in tune with what the poster is dealing with.

[imagoodone]

Yeah, well, after going through it for years, you do get resentful because you are being denied the pleasure of having sex with your other half.

Where did he speak of threats of cheating, I don't see it, I guess I could be blind. Have you read the entire thread, all of his posts? Where he talks about the extreme love he has for his family.

Obsession, hardly, over what? After years of going through this, it wears a person down. When one half is saying you never want sex and the other is saying you always want it, so what if you keep track, if you've got the evidence, there's little argument to be had.

We're not talking about porn, we're talking about a man wanting to have sex with a wife that is never interested.

You seem hellbent on attacking him for wanting sex, but yet, have nothing to say for her lack of desire? Did you fail to read where he takes care of the kids, the house, cooks dinner, etc., and she still has no desire?

As for Lyon....

Let me preface saying I don't know what's wrong. I could only hope his wife has some solveable issue that requires only one Dr. visit. He mentioned in the original post about not "yet" cheating. He was hinting it could be a viable option. Keeping statistics on your sexual activity is obession. So, the sex AND the relationship has deteriorated. I also notice a great number of threads here about "my SO is looking at porn, etc.". There's a lot of addiction here. It's possible that his approach/attitude is progressive which creates a greater rift over time. I'm not saying the desire for healthy marital sex is bad, it's the opposite. But in this case what is the core need being met for him? Many times the individual with the needs is unable to be satisfied. Because there is some other core need.

I guess this all sounds deep. I pray the solution is simple but I see pain which is sad. I hope the best for them to find the way!

[LanaBear]

Let me preface saying I don't know what's wrong. I could only hope his wife has some solveable issue that requires only one Dr. visit. He mentioned in the original post about not "yet" cheating. He was hinting it could be a viable option. Keeping statistics on your sexual activity is obession. So, the sex AND the relationship has deteriorated. I also notice a great number of threads here about "my SO is looking at porn, etc.". There's a lot of addiction here. It's possible that his approach/attitude is progressive which creates a greater rift over time. I'm not saying the desire for healthy marital sex is bad, it's the opposite. But in this case what is the core need being met for him? Many times the individual with the needs is unable to be satisfied. Because there is some other core need.

I guess this all sounds deep. I pray the solution is simple but I see pain which is sad. I hope the best for them to find the way!

I hardly think sex and the relationship deteriorated because he keeps track of their sexual activity... It started before that, this has been going on for YEARS and he has been keeping track for ONE.

In his original post, he says that he never has even thought about cheating and doesn't want to think about it. Doesn't sound very viable there.

You are trying to tie in other peoples problems/posts with their SO's porn frequency and/or addiction to this guy. You can't do that, he admittedly looks at Playboy, for a guy who is not being sexually fulfilled, that's pretty light. Regardless, you have to take everybody as an individual problem. You may see some porn addiction on this forum, but you don't see it in this thread.

When his hands are tied because he feels he has tried everything to build back up the sexual relationship between them, for YEARS, you think his approach/attitude is going to be totally positive? All peaches and cream? Of course it is going to contribute to the problem over time, it's hardly entirely his fault.

The core need for him that he wants met? Easy, sexual relations with the woman he loves. But until he gets that, I hardly think it is fair to say that he has other deep seated needs that this is feeding off of.

[Fallen1]

Let me preface saying I don't know what's wrong. I could only hope his wife has some solveable issue that requires only one Dr. visit. He mentioned in the original post about not "yet" cheating. He was hinting it could be a viable option. Keeping statistics on your sexual activity is obession. So, the sex AND the relationship has deteriorated. I also notice a great number of threads here about "my SO is looking at porn, etc.". There's a lot of addiction here. It's possible that his approach/attitude is progressive which creates a greater rift over time. I'm not saying the desire for healthy marital sex is bad, it's the opposite. But in this case what is the core need being met for him? Many times the individual with the needs is unable to be satisfied. Because there is some other core need.



I guess this all sounds deep. I pray the solution is simple but I see pain which is sad. I hope the best for them to find the way!

Keeping statistics on your sexual activity is an obsession? Not seeing that. When you are the one in a relationship that wants sex with your partner and you are constantly denied it's easy to know (by number) when you have had sex.

Just because you know when you've done something and can give the day and/or times you've done it doesn't make it and obsession. That's like saying that I'm obsessed with food because I can tell you what I had for lunch every day this week.

The poster's problem is simple. He desires sex with his spouse and he is denied because she isn't interested. How this could be turned around that he is the one with the problem - unless of course his need is unreasonable which there is no evidence of that.