[LanaBear]

Not to make light of this, you know I deal with it too, but this did evoke a chuckle. What attracts one person can leave another cold. I've got freinds who are simply gaga about a man they are seeing or married to and I just think, "to each their own". They don't raise the tiniest bit of interest in me.

Isn't it interesting how we see ourselves too? There are some very attractive people who perceive themselves as having major flaws that mar their desirablitity and some people who are jaw droppingly unattractive who flaunt it all over the place (look at the people of walmart website if you have any questions about this).

Oh, that website, always good for a laugh. I cringe every time I go to that store, but you know what, it's darn good for people watching and just being generally amazed by some people.

[mollypolly]

Great beginning!

Dear Gearhead:

Sounds like your off to a great start. I am so happy you had a great evening with your wife. Good sign that she is initiating things and I hope that continues! It's nice to be on the receiving end but don't be too discouraged if this is not consistent. As in my earlier post as well as the others, there are so many factors that can contribute to decreased libido. In our case it was partly the fatigue attached to a young family life. Make time for yourselves. Get a babysitter and have date nights. I wish we had. But looking back I felt guilty when I left the kids with someone else. I always felt like I had to do it all. Now I know better.

Very excited for you both!!!

[Count Zero]

Missing the point.

I don't know if her sexdrive is non-existant. Sounds more to me like she hates being asked. She prefers, intimacy, love, being loved.

If you read alot of the threads on here, you'll find that buying flowers, lingerie comes across as "bribbing for sex". She mentioned a back massage, you answered with I don't want to give you a gdmn back massage...

She's viewing all you want is sex.

Where's the love?

When a woman just feels like you "need" sex from her, in/out/in/out, done. ahh thanks. Then she feels like a piece of meat.

Where did you get this from? He's not asking well, and is remarkably foolish to say no to the back massage, and so rudely too, but he didn't say anything about quick sex.

We are emotional creates, that need hugs, kisses, love... And, when we feel that the man is in love with us and wants a "connection", intimacy, sharing that love further, bonding, sex is not sex, it's all of those words and we'll give till the cows come home.

No, this is not true and is a simplification, you'll give only what you want, my own relationship degenerated like this from sex twice a day to once a month, what was worse is that I was still doing all the affection, massage, gifts and dates for seven years until I realised that it wasn't going to improve until I did something. I told my wife we needed to see a marriage councillor, she laughed! You see, she and this unfortunate man's wife we happy and comfortable with the situation, they see no problem, except a pestering man. I said, we go to the councillor, or we separate. She looked like I'd slapped her. We now go monthly to the councillor, and things are slowly improving. Relationships are about compromise, and that means both parties.

Stop asking... Let her sleep, run her a bath... when she wakes tell her you put a hot bath on for her. Don't ask or intimate any sex... It's just a caring thing, a loving thing...

Change your whole pattern. Send text messages, hope your day is good x... things like that.

All compromise for him.

Keep sex out of it for a couple of weeks, your used to it

NO! We do not. Here's the central point, women seem to regard sex as a nice optional extra, it is much more important for men, it's a necessity.

When your going to bed, just hold her... touch her forehead, kiss her good night...

And this is the LAST thing he wants to do, he's angry and frustrated, men are cuddly and affectionate when they are feeling relaxed, valued and loved, ie when they have a happy sexual relationship.





Then after some time, when your in bed together, instigate "love" making... no words.. and not sex.


See above post, more of the same.
CW

Yes men have to work on the relationship, but women do too, compromise and meet somewhere in the middle. Men; remember how you treated her while going out? Do more like that. Women; remember how it was when you were going out? Do more like that.

Men may stop "wooing" their women, and women often stop "wooing" their men. Girls try more quickies, different positions, oral sex (we like it too), you know have fun with sex.

[Count Zero]

Women are very mental and emotional beings... It doesn't really sound like her sex drive is NOT there, but rather, she thinks you are in it for a wam bam thank you ma'am kind of lay.

Not bad idea, my sex life improved with more quickies, then my wife wanted sex more than when I made her cum multiple times.....

First, yeah, we understand that you are resentful, trust me, I know... But you've got to let go of it. Start from square one. 5 years ago, my hubby got a lot less yes's and a lot more no's than you do now.

You've got two young children and she works, trust me, she is BEAT DOWN by the end of the day. Does she get any ME time? Can she lock herself in the bathroom for a bubble bath and not have the kids pounding down the door? When was the last time, just the two of you had a night alone? Does she think a kiss in the kitchens automatically has you wanting sex?

Not a fan of flowers, they die... Lingerie, at this point, no, because guess what it's screaming at her that you want sex. You need to work on getting that out of her mind, that just because you want a kiss or a hug doesn't mean that you want sex. Work on getting her to WANT you.

Leave her random little notes, not sexual, just complimenting her or telling her you love her. Send her random texts through the day, for me, this NEVER gets old and I smile numerous times a day when I get them. Place one red rose (yes, I know, I'm anti flowers, well, unless they are tulips) on her windshield with a card that says, "My life is better with you in it. Love you forever." Draw her a bath with different oils, lavender, etc., when she gets home and tell her you are taking the kids for a walk for an hour, ice cream, to the park, whatever and that you want her to enjoy some alone time, no cleaning, housework, dinner, etc. Plop down on the couch next to her and rub her feet (without her asking and yes, I get that you HATE it, but do it anyways).

Do all this for a while without expecting anything in return. Yes, I know it sounds one sided and yes, I know it isn't fair, but someone has got to start somewhere and unfortunately until she can find out from you on a consistent basis that you want more than just sex, you'll have to put some extra work into it.

Great, how bout compromise each way?

Hopefully, as time goes by, the more intimate you two become again, the more sex you have, the more she will want it, realize what she has been missing. Also, as the kids get older and more self sufficient, less needy, it's AMAZING what that does for ones sex drive and enjoyment of sex.

Maybe, or maybe she's comfy where she is.

Bring back the intimacy, the romance of what drew the two of you together in the beginning. Make it fun for her, intimate for her,

I agree, but again, both parties have to make an effort, I'm sick of the man always being in the wrong and having to be the only one to do more.

[Count Zero]

Yay, a sound suggestion about counselling.

[Count Zero]

I think your lines are not very good. They need to be reworked and have more variety. You need to learn how to give her as massage and how to enjoy it. Do you bring her to climax during sex?

Lines are terrible and not what's needed, intimacy and massage are good, though how often do you men get a massage?

[Count Zero]

Ok, I completely understand where each and every one of you is coming from and what you are saying. I also went back and re-read what I said and it does sound like a cry for "poor me, poor me". What I really should have made the point of is poor us because there really is not that much intimacy on either of our parts anymore. So, I'll answer the questions y'all have asked or hinted at

JNS, I did the back massage for 12 of the 13 years we have been together. As a matter of fact, her sister & mother both have asked me on a regular basis to give them back rubs because my wife brags about how good I give them. I am sick and tired of giving them, I work with tools all day long, so my hands are tired at the end of every day (I'm in construction 4 days in the field 1 day in the office, which is significant and I will get to later). I know it sounds like an excuse, but my hands are sore every day. I have asked her to reciprocate in the massage department and she rolls her eyes and laughs at me. As for climax, she says that yeah, I do bring her to it, but like every other woman I have known, not every time. I'm not that much of a fool to think that I have the golden hand, if other things

CW, I have tried the emotional stuff. I offer to draw her baths on a regular basis and she never wants them. I stop by her school & bring her lunch on a regular basis, no strings attached and have never alluded to anything. I quit leaving notes on her car window because she never acknowledged them (and they were in a school parking lot) or when she did, it was that she "found something strange on her window". I hold her every night when I get into bed, no matter if we do or don't have sex or if she is asleep or awake when I get there. I cannot fall asleep without at least my leg touching some part of her body. We are truly a perfect fit when it comes to our bodies lying together (non-sexually). When ever I try to give her an emotional kiss or hug, she pushes me away and says "the boys might see us". Like she doesn't want them to know that we love each other. And as for the sex that we do have, lately she has asked me twice in the past 2 months if "I was done yet". Makes me feel really wanted...

Lana & Janna, yes, she gets all kind of me time. I take the boys with me when ever I can. The two of them mean more to me than anything else other than my wife. I try to give her as much alone time as possible, especially when it comes to the boys because I know they can be a handfull. As I said before, we are coming up on our 10th and for that, I am taking her out of town to a hot springs spa where it will be just the two of us for 3 nights. I bought us a couples massage package and a dinner to a nice restaurant. The big problem is that she is going to be calling whom ever is watching our kids (either her parents or mine) at least 2-3 times a day checking on them. She doesn't know how to relax. I do 90% of the cooking in our family, I know what the kids like to eat better than she does & it really bothers her that I do. I also take them to the baby sitter & school every morning but she picks them up. The one day a week that I am in the office, I have both boys with me, so I am daycare 1 day a week. I am lucky, it's a family owned company that their grandfather owns and he gets to see his grandsons once a week. It has been that way since my oldest boy was 5 months old and will continue until our youngest goes to kindergarten. I have my chore list but the kitchen is mostly my domain because I am the one making the messes in there. As for the rest of the house, we pretty much have a 50/50 split on the work. I also take care of our dog, the yard work (except her vegetable garden) and I am a shade tree mechanic so that we don't have to waste money on a professional mechanic doing vehicle maintenance. I think that she thinks that everything I do is an allusion to sex. Some of it, yes, I'll admit it is, but for the most part, during the day, I am a business as usual type of guy and get done what needs to be done whether it is around the house or at work. As for the couples counseling, I brought that up a couple of years ago after our first son was born and we were going through the same thing. Her response to that was that we didn't need it and we could get through it by ourselves. And in turn she decided to have sex 3-4 times a week for about a month to try and make me forget about it. Then it went back to the same routine and I just said screw it and went along with what we were doing rather than try to fix the problem.

Neither one of us can be accused of being intimate with the other, I'll admit to that. But when I try to I get shut down automatically. Doesn't matter if it is in the kitchen for a good hug and a kiss or if it is in bed. Anymore, I have just thrown a line out there to see what kind of excuse I can get from her when I already know the answer, it's become almost an inside joke that I am the only one that is aware of. I have tried doing the "I'm not going to have sex with her until she asks me for it and then it will be my turn to shut her down" routine, but that doesn't work. It resoundingly blows up in my face. I tried that one time and we went something like 7 months between sex and almost a month between kisses....and those were just a see ya later peck on the cheek. I honestly believe that she has zero desire to be in a sexual relationship. I remember one time overhearing her tell my best friend's girlfriend that "now that I'm married, I don't have to put out" and that pretty well devastated me. I mean really, what is a marriage if the two people involved aren't intimate at some point or another? They are just roommates who share sleeping quarters. Which is what I feel like a lot of the time. Like I said before, I love her dearly, but I don't like her on a regular basis right now.

If she won't do counselling properly, you may need to ask for a separation, this was the best thing I did, it made my wife realise that I was really unhappy and that it was a big deal. I think you're being completely taken advantage of.

[Count Zero]

A lot of additional information that really clarifies the situation. Maybe you need to be less accommodating, so she understands she has something to lose, but I fear that will be a losing proposition. Maybe sometime later her sex drive will go into overdrive, such as told on other threads, but that is not something to count on.

I asked about climaxes because if she climaxed hard and often, I would think she would do more to get back to that state. At the same time her body would release chemicals to increase bonding. Are you sure you cannot manually or orally bring her to multiple climax?

I found when my wife had great orgasms every time we had sex, she was satisfied for three to four weeks, and I got the cold shoulder. Now we do it more ways, have quickies and it's much, much better.

[Count Zero]

Your situation sounds depressingly familiar. After 25 years I haven't found a solution. Based on these and other discussions here, I've come to the conclusion that some people simply are not interested in sex. It isn't because their partners are bad lovers, or ugly, don't do their share of work, or aren't romantic or any other failing.

I wonder if people like this are really asexual, or possibly gay/lesbian and not willing to admit it to themselves. The only way I can imagine acting that way to someone I cared about would be if they were male (I'm a straight male).

You can try scented baths, love notes, flowers at work, back and foot rubs, romantic vacations, nice (non erotic) clothes, gifts, extra chores - maybe you will have better luck than I did. You can try pretending that you don't care - but that will fail because unlike you, she REALLY doesn't care.

I don't think you are the cause of the problem, and I don't know of anything you can do. Just to make you a bit more miserable, in my case its gradually declined over the years from 1/week, to now less than once a month. (nothing in the last 3).

I don't think it is lack of love - just lack of sexual interest. My wife loves me - she just isn't sexually attracted to me at all.

It isn't just women who don't want sex by the way. There are a number of women who have posted that their boyfriends / husbands have no interest in sex.

The really sad thing is that the people (of both genders) who are denied sex becomes the ones most willing to be good lovers - the ones willing to do anything their partners want - all of which is wasted effort.

So, you get the choices:
Live like a monk.
Cheat
Leave her and your family.

these are NOT good choices.

Another choice, counselling, see if she'll make an effort.

When men are consistently denied sex, it most definitely says "I don't love you, I don't care how you feel" to a man. It would be the same as a man ignoring and refusing to speak to a woman consistently.

[Count Zero]

Dear Gearhead,

Why do men always say that when we first met she did this she did that, what did you do for her 10 years ago? People change! The things that were important 10 years ago are not the same things that are important us today. Find out what's important to her today! Ask her you maybe surprised! I may not be so simpathic to your problem because I am similar to your wife but I have no kids so my husband says I have no excuses.

We talk about it because it was good and we miss it! Yes people change, but you have to work at relationships, do you compromise for your husband? Does he for you? Men don't want housemates, we liked our sexfriend, and the danger is, after years of denial, you might find him tempted by a new woman offering to be the sexfirend, and he might just say yes....