[croalstad]

I hardly think sex and the relationship deteriorated because he keeps track of their sexual activity... It started before that, this has been going on for YEARS and he has been keeping track for ONE.

In his original post, he says that he never has even thought about cheating and doesn't want to think about it. Doesn't sound very viable there.

You are trying to tie in other peoples problems/posts with their SO's porn frequency and/or addiction to this guy. You can't do that, he admittedly looks at Playboy, for a guy who is not being sexually fulfilled, that's pretty light. Regardless, you have to take everybody as an individual problem. You may see some porn addiction on this forum, but you don't see it in this thread.

When his hands are tied because he feels he has tried everything to build back up the sexual relationship between them, for YEARS, you think his approach/attitude is going to be totally positive? All peaches and cream? Of course it is going to contribute to the problem over time, it's hardly entirely his fault.

The core need for him that he wants met? Easy, sexual relations with the woman he loves. But until he gets that, I hardly think it is fair to say that he has other deep seated needs that this is feeding off of.

It seems to me there is some inter-twined information going on between me & gearheads situation. I guess what were both asking is not to blame our spouces either way but to get back to a healthy relationship. Lanabear you had some good advise "start out slow again" and work your way back into a regular routine of loving each other. Gearheads wife and myself may need to go back to see the OBGYN and start demanding answers. There is no reason a healthy woman should not want to make love to her husband unless it's mental or physical. Yes and maybe a councler could be the answer!
Oh and one last thing to the guy who talked about anal sex have you read any of these comments?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

It's funny you say this because come to think of it, at her last GYN appt. she was shaky and talked to her Dr. about it. She has a family history of tremors and she has always had a very mild form of it too. But she was telling the Dr. about the fact that she has to eat something to start to feel better. Doc said that she needed to have the regular practitioner check it. That she might be "hypo or hyper glycemic" in addition to the tremors. Whether that has anything to do with her sex drive, you got me, I'm in the nail pounding business ....

My thoughts? That's a Gyno...and they are right, they recommended a "regular partitioner". She needs a "different" Doctor, who can take a blood test and check levels, and hear that she is sleeping 1-2hrs and then needing to sleep again by 9pm... Tiredness, equals no drive, Different pounding business huh!

OP
I can tell you right now that I'm not a sex addict. I never have been. I have a friend who was a sex addict and he would have to have gratification as many as 8, 9 or 10 times a day. Me personally, if I am able to have that a couple to 3 or 4 times a week, I would be in seventh heaven. But I'm not about to go out and pay for it. Nor am I going to go and get my rox off looking at pictures on the internet. Granted, I enjoy looking at a magazine (Playboy...the others don't really suit my personality) or the forwarded emails I get, but I delete them and move on. So I honestly don't think I have a sex addiction or problem. I just want to be wanted by my wife more than once a month or every other month.

Imagoodone
There are several flags. The counting and keeping track, etc. Obsession. The resentments. The fights that have become a pattern regarding sex. The anger about the back rubs (and resentment). The threat about cheating. A lack of real relationship intimacy (not sex). If you snoop around and check information about "is my significant other addicted to porn", etc. you may see some interesting information). Sex addiction is about many types of behavior, not just porn. Affairs, and etc.

Imagoodone, yes, with some people but read what the OP has replied to you, which I highlighted.. It's his thread, and he says your wrong... in his case.

If you "snoop" around, it gets you into trouble, as you try to put two and two together, and get four. Now that is a fact, that we have in-deed read on the porn threads.

Counting can also mean, that he's trying to gage a pattern, not only how many times, but when... so that he can ascertain, when to try, how... I do figures when I want to work out where I am heading... Perhaps the word your looking for is he may be a "perfectionist".

In any event, physco analyzing a person who has/is clearly stating that's not the case, means don't try to force your opinion any further.. The OP is clearly taking what he believes is helping him solve the problem, and respectfully, advising of what does not fit...

CW

[Olympia]

I have been absorbing this thread, and responses. At one time in my marriage some of your situation occured to, me. I was in your shoes. It took a long time to work thru. But i was very patient and am very much in love with him. We will be celebrating our 25th ann. it 3 days, and i look forward to more. I hope it works out for you and the Love you are with.

[croalstad]

Chandlers Wish,
Can you tell me more about Fybromyalgia and the symptoms! I have thought that I may have this but have never been checked.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Chandlers Wish,
Can you tell me more about Fybromyalgia and the symptoms! I have thought that I may have this but have never been checked.

I can tell you what they say, and how I believe I obtained it and how I have managed it...

It's not scientifically known how it is obtained, thought to be through either a childhood stress, subpressed for years, or a severe stress.

For me, it was an accident in 1999. I believe initially I obtained what was called myophasical pain in my shoulders, I fell 6ft to the ground landing on it, to avoid hitting my head. The arm and shoulder area wouldn't move and every movement was met with severe pain. I couldn't find a position in bed to sleep, this went on for three months.

As a result, I believe entered fybromyalgia. Due to lack of sleep, and the stress of the pain, non-work, in-ability to do things, ( I was single then so sex was out of the question ). This bought on other issues with my body, cronic fatique, joint stress, IBS, and a stress disorder.. I would snap at things, little things, didn't think I could do anything, be who I was before, nervous, felt un-attractive...gave up believing in anything really.

Slowly, I started trying to built the muscles again, via Polities but it was worse and hurt like heck, the arm sort of would feel all swollen, yet not at all, just all the joints were stiff, the muscles, weak.

I then started good old exercise and forced myself to walk. It was a struggle, as I also then found that I had damaged L5 in my back, so I was limping.

But, in short, the exercise and eating properly were the key. IBS, Irritable Bowel Syndrome is also often, a side effect. So bloated stomach, and cronic fatique comes into play.

The on-going walks, which I still do today, in-fact if it plays up, that's the first thing I do, coupled with no dairy ,loads of greens, fresh vegetables, small amount of meats, is what keeps it at bay and away from me, most of the time.

My arm always hurts, but mildly, and I can't open some things if they are too hard, or won't try and I can't do hrs of gardening, or things that consistantly move the arm/shoulder, even typing, when bad, I have to have a couple of days off but it's easy to manage now.

You may not have had an accident, but if you at any time, felt anxious, negative about everything around you, yourself, your body, and your tired alot, it's more than possible that you have fybro and symptoms associated with it and don't know of it.

This is why I so think the OP's wife, has a problem, condition. She has cronic fatigue, she has a nervous problem, she probably also has IBS, as nervous problems, tend to go straight for the gut, she would feel un-attractive, constantly tired and it could be related to her teaching, then tending to the home, outside stress and she's adding "home" stress into it and it's totally got a hold on her.

As I said, the only cure is to walk... excercise, drink water, eat healthy and then re-gain the positives in life, in every aspect, feel them, embrass them, see the beauty in everything, so that your mind refuses to see anything negative, therefore, you can't feel down about it, it is what it is and you know how to control it, keep it at bay and life is blissful

I would have sex twice a day, or every day if I could. I still have the injury... But, being that person above, makes me feel alive, sexy, beautiful and I can do anything.. There are days where foreplay is like, hun, take over, haha... but he knows about my condition and I can't help that he's a long laster and needs a hand...

CW is going to edit the last sentence, in 24hrs.. too much private information

CW

[Gearhead]

OK, hows the eating, spending, gambling? How's the anger level regarding the sex issue. Why does it matter at all if you have sex? (I know that sounds like a crazy question but it's legit). If you have a friend that's an addict you may have more in common than you recognize. I'm not attacking, just trying to potentially enlighten.

I don't know why, but this actually made me laugh out loud. Are you really trying to pin 100% of the problem that my wife & I are having on me? I do take this as a personal attack because you obviously haven't read what I have wrote. Let me give you some information...#1 I eat healthy, not perfect, but healthy enough that I wear a size 33" waist jeans and have a 45" chest for a man that is 5'9" tall, #2 I save $20 a week for my personal spending that I use to put towards my vehicles in case something happens to them (thus my moniker, gearhead), and #3 I don't gamble. The last time I spent any money in a casino or for that matter a friendly game of poker was 10 years ago at a slot machine in Vegas, and that was $0.25, twenty-five cents, that I got lucky and played over an hour on. I love to tell that story. I hate gambling. As for my anger level, I would say that I am more disappointed in my sex life than I was, but being angry about it doesn't solve a problem.

Never once have I blamed the problem 100% on my wife, I know that there is something going on with both of us, but as to what it is? I dunno, I haven't quite figured it out for myself yet. That's why I am seeking advice on a "Women's Health" forum to get input from the opposite sex. I know what I would do, I just don't know if it's right. And as has been pointed out to me, and very quickly I might add, I have been doing and going about things in the wrong manner.

For a slight update for all of you, I have humbly taken some of the advice that has been given so far to heart. I know that things aren't going to change overnight, but aAfter kind of being a jerk last weekend (yeah, looking back, I shoulda kept my yap shut) I have been more touchy feely and more affectionate this week. I have made an earnest and conscious effort to be nice, not losing my temper (even though it's been 3 weeks since we last had sex) about sex and keeping a level head, being a little more helpful and just plain being a little bit better of a person than what I would normally be at this juncture. And you know what? It has got me somewhere. Not saying that things are peachy again, but last night she came to me. We had an absolute wonderful evening before we went to sleep. She made comment of the fact that I have been different this week, just that "something is different" with me. She just smiled and asked if I would come to bed. I am gonna keep on doing this and maybe it will work wonders. Like I said, I know it isn't going to change in a week.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Gearhead, that's great and just for the record? I think the Mods made it very clear that people can't push their opinions down someone's throat, or attack on this Forum.

In any event. Seems, that she really does want some form of "seeing her for her".

But, don't discharge the tiredness. I did make a comment to you before about is she doing too much? Do you help heeps around the house I know men hate that, buttttttttt.

Seems your on a good road, keep at it

CW

[WildChild]

It's always good to hear of someone getting positive results. Non sexual touching, affection and attention is really important. Even a woman who loves sex and is into it can end up feeling uncared about, unloved and unresponsive, if she doesn't feel that she is valued for more than sex, housework and paying part of the expenses.

[rcoreyus]

(wow, lots of posts in the day I missed) .
I have actually been keeping track of my sex life with my wife. I wanted to find out if it really was as infrequent as it seemed, or if I was exaggerating in my own mind. I think its a reasonable thing to do in this sort of situation.

Replying to yet another post - I think 4x a week is pretty typical for a loving couple (if they have the time) - doesn't sound at all unreasonable to me.

I think there is a tendency to try to map other people's situations onto our own. If a woman who has a SO who is lazy / rude / abusive / terrible in bed, and the hears of a man who's wife won't sleep with him - its natural for her to assume that he is like her SO.

The problem is that we don't really know much about the people involved, and only hear one side. Its easy for the husband who isn't getting sex to seem to be fat, dirty, and a non-considerate lover. It makes the explanation fit our experience so well.

In my case I will claim that I don't have any serious faults that would drive my wife away, yet she won't sleep with me. Of course other readers may assume that I am just missing (or not telling) about my faults (maybe I am).

[WildChild]

The problem is that we don't really know much about the people involved, and only hear one side. Its easy for the husband who isn't getting sex to seem to be fat, dirty, and a non-considerate lover. It makes the explanation fit our experience so well.

In my case I will claim that I don't have any serious faults that would drive my wife away, yet she won't sleep with me. Of course other readers may assume that I am just missing (or not telling) about my faults (maybe I am).

Not to make light of this, you know I deal with it too, but this did evoke a chuckle. What attracts one person can leave another cold. I've got freinds who are simply gaga about a man they are seeing or married to and I just think, "to each their own". They don't raise the tiniest bit of interest in me.

Isn't it interesting how we see ourselves too? There are some very attractive people who perceive themselves as having major flaws that mar their desirablitity and some people who are jaw droppingly unattractive who flaunt it all over the place (look at the people of walmart website if you have any questions about this).