[pretzel]

Understand, but sometimes even after years of trying to find out why someone won't change, you are resulted to trying anything to get them to communicate. It's a last resort but worth a try I think. This guy , after all this time, has no idea why she won't have sex with him. Maybe it's partly him, but he's not a mind reader! It sounds like he's tried everything. If he goes out now and has sex elsewhere he's the guilty party. She has shut up shop over a period of time and he's at his wits end!

That I don't disagree with. Trust me I've been there with my first wife, back again with my second wife. I've detailed my own experiences in trying to get back what is misplaced and I definately sympathize.

[LanaBear]

I understand and agree with everything the ladies have said, and I , as a frustrated man at times, can empathise. Don't mind me being blunt, guy to guy, but have you suddenly let yourself go in any way. Personal hygiene, teeth etc? Because if you haven't then it seems like a very unfortunate situation. Why not try saying to her "do you want me to go and get another woman" (not meaning it of course) but just to see her reaction? It might just shake her up a bit 'cos it seems like she needs something like this !

I don't agree with ultimatums... The thing with you suggestion, whether he means it or not, he best be willing to suffer the repercussions of saying it. He better be fully prepared for his wife to tell him not to let the door hit him on the butt on the way out. If he's prepared for that, well, then, ultimatum away, if not, I'd stay far far from it.

Bottom line... She's got to be willing to admit she has a problem and even more so, admit that she needs to change. It's a humbling experience and not one a lot of women or men would be willing to admit. As StillLearnin states, the change can happen, it won't happen over night and it will take a lot of patience from BOTH parties, not just him.

[rcoreyus]

Patience may be the right way - or it may just lose half a lifetime. At some point you need to give up, realize that the problem won't get better, and decide what you want to do.

[WildChild]

Rcoreyus is right, at some point you have to be able to say that you have done all the you can do and let go, lovingly if at all possible. Set them and yourself free to seek what you each need.

[Gearhead]

To get this off and out there, I know she doesn't look at other women. So the notion of her switching teams is completely the least of my worries....To even think about that, although a good thought, is funny. Or even the notion of someone on the side is not even fathomable. She doesn't have the drive, time nor the self energy to find something like that. She is more worried about me than I am of her, which I guess should be more appropriate but unnecessary.

rcoreyus, I think you pretty well hit the nail on the head, or at least what I think, anyway, in that she is just not interested in sex. I guess I could start by asking her #1 does she love me, which I will get a yes, #2 are you in love with me, which I am not sure the answer I will get. There is a huge difference there as well.

I got to thinking about when we first met. Both of us were in college, our senior year & we had both had multiple partners before each other. She never had problems having sex every day of the week. There were even times when she would wake me up in the middle of the night by coming over for some lovin'. Once we graduated, that all slowed down and we were a regular 2-4 times a week and kept that up for 2-3 years into our marriage. Then things turned and we have steadily declined. I know she is self conscious of her body. She doesn't like the way it looks because she, like was mentioned, has some post baby toning that has never happened. She doesn't have energy, yet she doesn't want to work out. Looking at it that way, I do think that this has a roll in the equation. But there are still other factors that I am not privy to. She just won't talk to me about it and gets upset when I bring it up.

DannyTy - I know that the "hey babe, lets screw" tact isn't a winner. It never was with her and I really don't for-see it in the future either. I was just making comment that I say things like that to #1 get a rise out of her & #2 see what kind of excuse I get. As for turning her on...., I don't know. She likes her back rubs, but as I have said before, that is really an avenue that I would prefer not to walk because it seems to be the only way to get anywhere with her. She is predictable on that account. Give me a back rub and you have a 25% chance of getting some nookie. She does see me look at other women, whether on TV or out about. She has asked me about it and I have told her before "I'm married, I'm not dead". She knows I look at women, but that it is completely harmless. Cheating has never been a thought in my mind.

As for shutting down on each other, I'll admit that when things don't go good for awhile, I get real quite and become distant and I do shut down. A real bad trait I have in it's self. When this happens, she tends to have sex just to get me out of a bad mood and talking to her on a regular basis. She has no qualms about calling me to the mat about that. It really ****es her off when I do get that way because I get short with everyone around me, not just her. The thing I see most, and what a lot of you have either pointed out or I have read into what I wanted to is that #1 she ain't gonna change unless she wants to #2 I have got to do more to bring something to the table #3 talk to her about it.

So let me then ask this, how do I do those things without backing her into a corner and going off the deep end?

How do I get her to want to change?

How do I talk to her about it with out it becoming a me vs. her war?

What can I do to bring something back to our love life? This I guess is my most important question because everything about our marriage is completely normal. I don't want to make it sound like we have a perfect marriage, but out side of the bedroom, really, we do. I couldn't ask for a better person, a better extended family, better kids. It is like I went to the store & picked them off the shelf. Other than my love life, I love my life.

[rcoreyus]

I've seen reports from the Kinsey study and others showing the prevalence of straight vs. gay men and women. Has anyone seem one on people's level of sexual interest. I would think sociologists could make an appropriate questionnaire. I'm still going with the theory that there are some people who simply aren't interested in sex (in the same way that some people are straight or gay), and as with orientation, this isn't likely to change.

Since this seems a common problem in relationships, it would be nice to see real data.

[croalstad]

Dear Gearhead,

Why do men always say that when we first met she did this she did that, what did you do for her 10 years ago? People change! The things that were important 10 years ago are not the same things that are important us today. Find out what's important to her today! Ask her you maybe surprised! I may not be so simpathic to your problem because I am similar to your wife but I have no kids so my husband says I have no excuses.

[Mes T]

I agree with the above two posts in that: 1) Some people are NOT sexual, and I don't believe that it's always caused by some physical or emotional problem, I think that sometimes it's just natural. And 2) People change, evolve, etc, and there might not be any desire or will to go backwards...

[croalstad]

I can't help but respond to the two questions #1 Do you love me and #2 are you in love with me, aren't they the same except when you are not getting sex? I live with a man who wants sex all the time and I could care less, I know how hard this can be on a relationship. I wish I could give you a straight answer because I would like to know what happened to me. I never hated sex I just grew out of it as I grew older and now i wanted a deeper love and not so physical.

[croalstad]

When I read your last post I could swear you were my husband, everything you are saying I have heard before. The getting mad because you haven't had sex, her giving in to sex so your not mad anymore. Then it starts all over again and again and again, It's hard to start talking with her about it without her getting mad but you are so frustrated you don't know what to do. I wish I could give you some better advise except "Hang in there if you love her" Maybe you could try a councler that's what I'm thinking about because I don't want my husband to leave me.