[depresssed]

Stressed said:

"Have you asked her why she doesn't want sex without the toys?"

No, but any mention of the "sex" topic is a complete lock-down. I love her, I want her. I think we are both confused.

[depresssed]

Chan said:

"But, as you haven't answered Is that because you had difficulty in acknowledging she had a past, be it one person or more, is not relevant...

Be honest to yourself there... Re-read what I wrote about myself and my ex-husband in that regard... I so did not want any sex from him after constantly feeling that I was nothing, all women are..... attitude.... we don't need to feel that way, we need to feel .

It is funny because the person you love the most? Is whom you age with and get better at anything that you experimented with in your youth...because of love."

I think you are misunderstanding me, Chan. Your ex may have thrown your past in your face and it made you feel bad. That is not the case with me and my wife. I NEVER mention her past. I have no idea what it includes, which may be part of the problem. If she was having sex with farm animals I think I could accept it, but not knowing is part of the problem. It leaves me with no framework upon which to design a solution. Does that make any sense?

[Texinator]

So what is this magical spot that is so deep inside her vagina that only eight inches can reach it and make her orgasm?

There isn't one.

Girth counts more than length, but even that isn't too important. The vagina is lined by muscles that a woman can control and tighten in order to feel her partner's penis even more intimately.

So again, size doesn't matter.

Many women have a difficult time achieving orgasm through intercourse, in large part because a penis doesn't really provide direct clitoral stimulation, but things like angle and emotional arousal can improve her chances of having an orgasm through intercourse. ...and even if she were never to have an orgasm through penetration, you can always use your hands and tongue to get her going.

[depresssed]

Thanks, Tex. That is probably the most hopeful advice I have heard today. By the way, my wife is a Texas girl. I give her yellow roses for every holiday.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I have been more than concerned or bothered. Obsessed and depressed would be the best description. My wife is not honest with me about what she really wants sexually or about my value as a lover. I know she is lying to keep from hurting my feelings, which only makes it worse. She attempted to measure my penis when we were dating but I wouldn't let her. Obviously she wanted to see how I compared to others she has also measured. At least that's my guess. She also told me that she didn't think a penis was adequate unless it reached the owner's belly button. Mine doesn't. We haven't had sex for years in spite of my attempts to get her aroused. She just says she has no sexual desire anymore. Yet she uses a vibrator every day (she doesn't know I know this but I do).

I have a very average penis, between 5.5" and 6" (erect), depending upon my level of arousal. I know I have never made my wife have an orgasm with my penis. That really hurts. I know she loves me, but as a family member, not as a lover.

I think you are misunderstanding me, Chan. Your ex may have thrown your past in your face and it made you feel bad. That is not the case with me and my wife. I NEVER mention her past. I have no idea what it includes, which may be part of the problem. If she was having sex with farm animals I think I could accept it, but not knowing is part of the problem. It leaves me with no framework upon which to design a solution. Does that make any sense?

Tex, I changed my mind about the best thread on this Forum, although people need to vote please (Lounge section)....

Depresssed, I have re-read and I apologise, I certainly am a very strong person, I was just trying to ascertain if she felt she had to walk on egg shells over her past.

Re-reading, you are stating that you asked once, full stop...

And, I have highlighted for people, what occured, is occuring and how long ago it was she threw that sex toy out. And how you gave her what you thought she needed/wanted based on her actions over a movie, comments about a penis, yet, really in reality, again you state, you are a "friend"...

So, I think?

That she enjoyed being naughty, experimenting, experiencing

I think that you trying so hard to "read what she has said" and acted on that, giving yourself an 8 inch that worked, for her, has turned your confidence to the lowest level....

You made one comment and it was granted, sorry for missing this. You gave again, what you felt she wanted in order to make her happy yet, it made you feel in-adequent because of the comments she has made and the actions she made to you and so you spoke maybe in the want and will to be told, don't be silly, I like kinky, different something that didn't suggest it was size and so, she threw the toys away and hasn't had intimacy/sex with you since, years.

So people can see what you are meaning....

Some of the answers you have received including mine, missed the years, missed what you did.

So communication has /is a huge problem.


I think you have actually realised that you did what ever to please her sexually... and the day she orgasmed finally was with a toy, having said things to you before, hurt you 10 fold...Your comment reflects that, and she threw the toy away..

So was she "using" your kindness? To get what she wanted? Sexually? Maybe. Happy with that but realised she upset you...and then couldn't work out what to do.

Communiation.

I can't see a solution ...It's been years.

She obviously used a vibrator before all of this, liked it. IT HAS NOTHING to do with your size, I think, rather, vibrator and how she learnt how to experience .... See when you do it yourself, no one in front of you, you have freedom to feel, experience and explore ....and so, unless a man can equal that, that's tough...maybe she's adventurous? Can't tell you, no communication.


So think, if you were not to worry about your size WHICH IS NORMAL, could you add adventure , fantasies, hold her hands up against a wall, bend her over, use the toy again and be okay with that?

It's not your size, it's she's learnt what gets her off and she has made her body used to that....

This is why I hate toys, sorry guys, if you only have the man, then it's the man that makes you a woman and you his witch, in my opinion.... and it just gets better and better.

CW

[depresssed]

Chan said:

"I know, but you know you bought that strap on, so that you were bigger, in hope to give her the big O and it worked, but it backfired because, you then made her feel bad for having one, with "something else" much like her past yes?"

No. I never said that. It didn't backfire. I never made her feel bad for us using a sexual aid. It worked. I NEVER brought up her past.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Re-read my last post

I already realised that was not the case, having re-read your first post......

[Texinator]

She also told me that she didn't think a penis was adequate unless it reached the owner's belly button. Mine doesn't.

What are her general views on sex? What about her religious views and upbringing?

If she's on the reserved side in that regard, you could just as easily assume that she said that about penis length because she feels guilty about enjoying sex and wants to have a reason to act uninterested. After all, a penis generally doesn't reach an owner's belly button, and she dismissed the overwhelming majority as inadequate with that statement.

But don't go assuming too much. So what if she smiled during a Dave Chappelle show? It's a funny show! I remember that skit and I laughed about it. That hardly means I fantasize about spending the night with a bunch of black dudes, does it?

So what if she wanted to measure you? You don't need a scale to see if someone is very skinny or fat, for example. It just puts a precise number on it, and the same goes for penis measuring. I've had girlfriends want to measure me, and I've yet to hear one say, "Oh, wow, turns out you're much bigger/smaller than I thought!"

[Hopeless Dork]

Because there has been apparent dishonesty on her part I have to guess and I suppose I am guessing the worst. I don't know the truth. Another example: She told me that she had never performed oral sex on anyone before me. Yet the first time we had oral sex it was obvious that that was not true. I have experienced oral sex from other women who it was obvious were novices at it and my wife clearly was not. Just an example. There are others.

Being GOOD orally doesn't mean she had prior experience... at all. And being BAD at it... doesn't mean a woman NEVER did it before either. When it comes to oral sex its more about the desire the woman has to please the man she is performing on than anything to do with how many penises she's had in her mouth. A woman might give AWESOME head to a guy she is totally into ... and give 'lick lick, put it in already , i'm bored' head to a man she isn't into or comfortable with.

Any woman that has seen a porno in her lifetime, and even those that haven't... but have had friends discuss oral sex... can pretty much figure out what to do -- And even a novice... in their drive to please, their feeling sexual in the moment can deliver a bj that is much more seemingly "skilled" than a woman who's done it with numerous men but lacks passion for what she is doing.

Eck, seriously your statement bothers me deeply because its that whole double edged sword of women enjoying sex being 'sloots' ideology. It seems like a man wants a woman that enjoys sex but if she does... and especially EARLY on... then whoaaaaaa she must have slept with the whole town!!

So then they off and marry the first woman that doesn't want to touch their icky penis (she must be so pure!) and wonder why years later... they still don't want to touch their 'icky' penis :/

Anyways... If she has been with you this long... she loves you. If she had an issue with your penis being too small, it would have been apparent early on -- she wouldn't wait 30 years to spring it on you. If she's behaving like its not good for her now, or doesn't want sex it probably has NOTHING to do with your size... but more her attitude about you, her feelings about you in general.

[WildChild]

I'm trying not to read anything into this that isn't there. Depressed doesn't say that she repeatedly commented on penis size, rather he states two things which appear to have happened once; wanting to measure and the remark about reaching the navel and it appears from his chronology that these occurred early in the relationship. He hasn't indicated that this has been an ongoing concern expressed by her.

Depressed, has penis size, yours or anyone else's, been something that she has brought up repeatedly?
Had she, over the years made derisive remarks about your penis size?
If so I'll shut up.

The BJ thing is an Assumption on his part based on her being, in his estimation, good at it. That was stated pretty clearly. Some women have a feel for penis pleasing and some don't. Ask the men, some women even after multiple attempts at bjs just aren't any good at it and others quite the reverse. I've been told that that an extraordinary number of women are terrible at it but that some just "get" it. LOL the two men who told me this also said they "never" came from a bj - they did for me. "Good" is a subjective judgement, some men are ecstatic to have a tongue anywhere near their penis others are quite particular about how it's done.

How many women have you gotten bjs from Depressed?
What is your standard of comparison?

This is the thing about this entire situation that concerns me.
Assumptions.

OK, she said some things prior to marriage that hit the ego.
Has that been a continuing, ongoing thing?
She came with the toys and not with unassisted penetrative sex.
This is true of a lot of women.
Now she has lost her sex drive.
This happens to a lot of women, especially in perimenopause when the hormones can get very out of balance

If I had a man constantly stressing, insecure, disbelieving me, who had spent 27 years convinced that I had a wild sex life before he came along and was lying about it - I'd lose it too.
WHY is getting your version of the truth some pivotal hinge that will solve it all?
What if she has told you the truth?
What if she never gave a bj in her life to anyone but you?
What would it take for you to believe that?
What if she only has had two other partners?
What would it take for you to believe that?

Innocent until proven guilty is the basis of most countries legal systems because proving innocence can be virtually impossible because there is no proof in most cases. Can you prove to someone who believes that all men spit on sidewalks, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you did not spit on a sidewalk at any time last week? Unless you had a someone videoing you constantly or were in the hospital in a body cast, you can't.
You are putting your wife in that position. You have apparently had her there for years.
Think about this.
HOW can she prove that she never gave a bj to anyone else? Or that she had only two partners before you?
HOW?

Flip side
Can You Prove Your Belief that she has?

If you were to prove it, what do you get?
Do you get to triumphantly dance around her pointing your finger saying, "I knew it, I knew it, liar, lair, pants on fire, this proves it! I AM too small for you! Ha, Ha, I was RIGHT!"

How and in what way would proving this or getting her to admit it, resolve anything?
How would you know that her admission was the truth?
What if she decided to confirm your belief just to get some peace in this, to try and see you let go of it?

I just don't see any good coming from this obsession.

Let's say she is lying, has been all along.
That would hardly support your assertation that she is a wonderful person, would it?
Why would a woman lie about something like this for years? Even to the detriment of her marriage, sex life and relationship?
Is she a chronic liar?
If not, the only reason I can think of is that telling the truth would have an even more dire reaction. In other words she was afraid that the response to that information would be worse.

Do you see why this is a no win set up?