[CHANDLERS WISH]

maybe it's something she read in a magazine, and maybe she's had lovers who reach the mark and she actually believes this. I JUST DON'T KNOW!

Which brings me to a question for our honest ladies on this board:

I have visited some other sites and a great many female posters there are into size, many saying that 8" is ideal, anything under 6" is a throwaway, and average is 7".

Well welcome to a more realistic, honest Forum, depressed. Ask yourself honestly what type of person would make that comment highlighted? It's childish, superficial and not "all woman" like....Because again, WE DON'T CARE...

Do we fall in love with thy penis?

Well, we do in lust but after we fall in love with the PERSON....

And again, in that, HIS penis is perfect...

Sorry, I get mad reading that rubbish....

Tex is right however, you are obsessed with this and you are feeding it.....by going around onto Forums and thinking you've got confirmation that it's true then coming here and probably ignoring us that it is NOT true, you are NOT in-adequate in size and irrespective, again, it's the love, bond, intimacy and it all works perfectly....



Maybe, I JUST DON'T KNOW is the problem.....

Some people will become obsessed with anything, that they do not get the answer on, constantly walking through life wondering, and trying to find, from where? The only way you are going to get this closure is to TALK TO HER honestly about it all and tell her, it's driven you nuts and ruined your intimacy..and you know that you are all man, it doesn't matter and take her out on a date, forget about this .....and try to re-build that bond again

[Texinator]

Quite a few men do essentially this when getting a bj.(grabbing the woman's head and taking control)

Ah, that's no fun.

[depresssed]

Depressed, has penis size, yours or anyone else's, been something that she has brought up repeatedly?
Had she, over the years made derisive remarks about your penis size?

No. She is far too kind for that.

How many women have you gotten bjs from Depressed?

Quite a few. Back in the day I was a pretty good-looking, fit young man. Having willing partners was never an issue for me.

OK, she said some things prior to marriage that hit the ego.
Has that been a continuing, ongoing thing?

No. When she said and did those things she had no idea how they hurt me. When she did realize it she just avoided open, honest discussion of the topic altogether.

She came with the toys and not with unassisted penetrative sex.
This is true of a lot of women.
Now she has lost her sex drive.
This happens to a lot of women, especially in perimenopause when the hormones can get very out of balance

I understand. I'm sure that that is an issue. I want to re-kindle the passion we once knew and I want to feel better about myself, but this 800-pound gorilla on my back is preventing it.

If I had a man constantly stressing, insecure, disbelieving me, who had spent 27 years convinced that I had a wild sex life before he came along and was lying about it - I'd lose it too.

For about the fifth time, I HAVE NOT BEEN OPENLY, CONSTANTLY STRESSING, INSECURE, DISBELIEVING! I have kept this to myself for 27 years. I have hurt alone for all that time, thinking that I could handle it forever if need be. Now I don't think I can.

I just don't see any good coming from this obsession.

I agree. I wish I could get rid of it, but I can't. It is eating me alive.

Let's say she is lying, has been all along.
That would hardly support your assertation that she is a wonderful person, would it?
Why would a woman lie about something like this for years? Even to the detriment of her marriage, sex life and relationship?
Is she a chronic liar?
If not, the only reason I can think of is that telling the truth would have an even more dire reaction. In other words she was afraid that the response to that information would be worse.

That's what I'm afraid of. I can't see how anything she told me would change how I feel about her. I love her with all my heart. Since I don't believe she has been honest with me, I already suspect the worst. I think the result of knowing the truth would be that I would hurt less or I would hurt more. I will never love her any less. She is so special.

[WildChild]

Quite a few. Back in the day I was a pretty good-looking, fit young man. Having willing partners was never an issue for me.

That's what I'm afraid of. I can't see how anything she told me would change how I feel about her. I love her with all my heart. Since I don't believe she has been honest with me, I already suspect the worst. I think the result of knowing the truth would be that I would hurt less or I would hurt more. I will never love her any less. She is so special.

Do you see the double standard here?

You've had "quite a few" women give you BJs but you are stressed out and have secretly (you think) been bothered for years that she might have had some experience giving BJs before you came along.


You were "good looking" "fit" and had no trouble finding "willing partners"
The possibility that your wife may have had no trouble finding "willing partners" is something that causes you to "suspect the worst" but it seems you are willing to love her anyway?
That's umm mighty generous of you.
Do you see the problem with this thinking? Can you understand that if she, at any level, picked up on this attitude (and women do) why she would be VERY reluctant, perhaps even find it impossible to be fully open with you?

For about the fifth time, I HAVE NOT BEEN OPENLY, CONSTANTLY STRESSING, INSECURE, DISBELIEVING! I have kept this to myself for 27 years. I have hurt alone for all that time, thinking that I could handle it forever if need be. Now I don't think I can.

I agree. I wish I could get rid of it, but I can't. It is eating me alive.

Do you honestly believe that if she loves you and is at all in tune with you, that she hasn't felt your doubt and stress? Maybe not as something she could identify but perhaps as a discomfort, a lack of full trust? Can you see that by making her sexual past or presumed sexual past "the worst", that you set the stage for distrust at a psychic level? How can she trust you with her truth while you hold this attitude?

You are feeling distrust because you believe based on your sexual experience with women other than her, that she had more sexual experience than she admitted to when you first started in your relationship. But your distrust and attitude toward that possible experience creates an inability for her to trust you. The two of you are in vicious spiral here. The situation creates a kind of balance but its not positive.

I think (this is my intuition speaking) that you need to come clean to her and apologize. I understand that you feel she owes you an apology. But if you want to resolve this you have to let go of the double standard and show her that you will not judge her for her past. You will have to speak the truth first and the truth is that somehow she was made to feel that you would find her wrong and maybe unacceptable and even somehow tainted, if you knew her full relationship and sexual past. You need to apologize for creating or supporting an atmosphere in which she was not free be "right" in whatever she had chosen do prior to meeting you. You say she is a very special woman and that you will love her no matter what but apparently either she doesn't feel that or you are wrong and she has told you the truth. Either way you cannot resolve this until you make safe for her to be fully who she is.

I don't know if she told you the truth or not. The reality is that you don't know either. But you have, for whatever reasons, made a judgement and you mayor may not be right. Are you willing to bet your marriage on it?

[depresssed]

WC, you have completely misunderstood what I said. Selective comprehension, I suppose. My wife owes me no apologies! Please show me where I said she did in anything I have posted on this subject.

Double standard? What are you talking about? This is not about number of partners, it's about penis size. Read the title of the thread again, for crying out loud. If I knew my wife had 7,000 partners before me and they were all munchkins I would be doing nude cartwheels down Main Street.

Maybe I should present my problem on a men's forum. I see a clear gender bias here. I just hurt really bad and all I am hearing is that I should apologize to my wife for trying to please her for 27 years even though doing so hurt me to the center of my soul. Just never mind.

[Guest]

It's unfair and inappropriate for you to cop out now.

Gender Bias? I don't think so... Perhaps something was misunderstood or misread.

You are welcome to your opinions as we will try to give ours, both men and women.

Then again, there is no reality only one's perception of it.

I wish you well in your search for the forum that best suits your needs.

[nyx]

Depressed, I just read through your entire thread. I think you just need a new attitude. I believe Tex mentioned it before. Your obsessed with your size. You also think your wife thinks about it. You are clutching onto TWO things that happened 27 years ago. Let me put that into perspective: I am 22... You have kept this going longer than I have been ALIVE... Doesn't seem like it should end?

Suppose that you are right and that when she said those things she believed them. Is it possible she may have changed? Is it possible that she now finds you adequate?

You say it's ONLY ABOUT PENIS SIZE, but reading through it all makes it sound like there are now MULTIPLE problems. You say women only care about the size, but regardless of how many people told you that you were wrong, you persisted. I really think you need to let this go. So maybe you should try and talk this out more with us and figure out the best way to just move on. I believe that the sooner you move on from this obsession, the better.

Also, I forget who told you to stop going to those other sights talking about size, think it was Chan, but yeah, do that. If you don't stop searching for "proof" that you're inadequate the obsession will never stop. Plus I believe it was JNS than said it perfectly!

When you have a bunch of people bragging about something, do you think the consensus of such bragging is the real truth as it applies to everyone?

For about the fifth time, I HAVE NOT BEEN OPENLY, CONSTANTLY STRESSING, INSECURE, DISBELIEVING! I have kept this to myself for 27 years. I have hurt alone for all that time, thinking that I could handle it forever if need be. Now I don't think I can.

I also think you may be wrong about this. If you can hold on to two insignificant things your wife did 27 years ago, she can hold on for the 7 years since you apologized for you inadequacy. It obviously upset her, and she has probably been suffering about things in silence with you. Chan mentioned communication. I also think this would be good. You could tell your wife that this is important to you and she needs to talk with you about your sex life. Then both of you could discuss what is on your minds. Take the suggestions made to make her feel comfortable to talk to you. Communication is very important in a relationship.

[rhiannon34]

I know this much, I am dating 2 guys at the moment (broke up with my ex finally, and having some fun). So anyway, one is hung like a porn star, literally, and it's just pretty uncomfortable. I can't really do my usual thing because it's so big. Not near as enjoyable as the other guy who is much smaller, mabye average or slightly less, and we just have the best sex, we mesh well physically. I would choose the smaller size anyday.

[kristalyn_04]

Good lord man... I mean no disrespect but you NEED to let go of this obsession. You need professional counseling. 27 years is WAY too long to hang onto something that you have no control over... you can't change your size but you can change your attitude about it. I have been following this conversation but haven't responded because I pretty much agree with what everyone has been saying. There is no gender bias at all, you have gotten well thought-out honest responses from both men and women here, they have been trying to HELP you. Why don't you just take their advice instead of trying to defend this unhealthy obsession that is ruining your marriage?

Something to think about... WHAT IF your wife came to you and said she's had sex with a dozen men before you, who were all larger than you? Then what? Are you going to walk away and be miserable for the rest of your life because your wife slept with men who happened to be bigger than you? Maybe she's been telling the truth, maybe not, I don't know. Either way, I can bet that she does NOT CARE about your size. If size was really that important to her she wouldn't have married you. So she made a couple of comments almost 3 decades ago that hurt your feelings and was a blow to your ego. SO WHAT? Maybe she shouldn't have said that, people say things they regret later on all the time! Just because she said it then doesn't mean she believes it now. It doesn't even necessarily mean that she believed it when she said it. I know it hurt you but it's time to let it go! What if the tables were turned, you found out she has been obsessing over the size of her breasts for 27 years, thinking they were too small for you and won't believe anything you say about your previous sex partners. How would that make you feel? What would your response to her be?

Why don't you just flat-out ask her, if she thinks your penis is too small? Tell her this is deeply important to you, and you need to know the honest answer, and see what her response is. There is absolutely no logical or anatomical reason why your size would be inadequate. I can bet that the intimacy problems in your marriage have absolutely nothing to do with your size. Intimacy is about the way you treat each other on a daily basis and the quality of your sex life, which has nothing to do with size. Seriously, just stop being so stubborn with this thought pattern of yours, take everyone's advise and work on this, your marriage depends on it. Why don't you just give it a shot? What have you got to lose at this point, other than this negative mindset that has been eating away at you for so long?

[Maximus]

Your over-simplification of the woman psyche tells me you are not "fit" to be in a relationship.
This is not necessarily negative, some things take time.
There are several books on emotional intelligence and tantra to broaden your understanding and maximize your chances to be in a happy relationship.
According to me you are too "raw" to be in one happily, and your age has nothing to do with it, or how ever many people you have dated.
But rather about your current status.