[WildChild]

Women are experts at turning that question around on you.

If she doesn't care or think it's important it's not going to change unless she wants it to, no matter how you ask.
If you can find a way for her to answer why it's not important to her, then you have something to work with. But good luck with that one I'm sorry to say.

It depends on the woman, the relationship and the circumstances.
I could generalize equally and say that my experience has been that men are far less interested in sexual interaction than women, that they avoid intimacy, prefer their hand to a woman, have no interest in varying sexual activity, have a lot of insecurities related to performance, and are generally closed to any discussion on the subject - its their way or the highway.

That would be no less or more accurate than your generalization about women. There are always at least 3 sides to any situation - yours, mine and what is really going on- which no one may be honestly aware of.

We are looking a specific situation here, not your or my experience in our situations. The OP has not been back to offer any more input and we are not really in a position to know what might be the situation.

[stressed]

And to rephrase my previous posts, since the OP hasn't returned yet: The point is to avoid "reaching conclusions" about the OP's relationship based strictly on our own relationships. Maybe a question we asked our SO/ex brought a negative answer, maybe they have other problems, maybe the same question asked to the OP's wife will have a positive result. Just because our relationships didn't improve by following a certain approach doesn't mean the same approach won't help the OP either. So far we can't tell much by one post only and hopefully the OP will return.

The OP's venting, frustration and concerns always go first. The rest are here to give ideas and try to help a relationship if that is possible. Imagine going to a counselor to talk about your relationship but all he does instead is vent about his own relationship. He wouldn't be much of help to you, would he...

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Okay, so my wife and i have been married for almost 13 yrs now. We have three wonderful daughters, she works two days a week and i'm a full time stay at home dad (retired). We're both in our early 30's and in decent shape.
Here's the problem. She can go weeks without sex; hello, i'm a guy and i can't. I feel like we always have to get into some sort of argument before we have sex. I take her out on date nights with no kids; i do the majority of the cooking in the house; i help out with the trash and laundry; i'm also Mr. fix-it around the house.
It seems like a never ending battle that i'm always having to fight and go though with her. I have bought and suggested buying toys, outfits, swings, lubes, the whole 9 yards. WHAT AM I DOING WRONG? My out look is this, is it too much to ask for sex once or twice a week??? How many times is considered normal? Is my sex drive too high?
HELP, any advice welcome...
Thanks in advance.
EagleChief, out.

EagleChief, welcome to the Forum.

Being together since around 20 years of age, is along time, often people forget what commitment, love, marriage is all about.

Date nights are almost always forgotten, yet you add that into it, which is fantastic.

Often, if it's the woman whom is working even part time, she is socialising, has things different that happen in her day, than just children, and housework... Often if it is the man whom is working his day is mostly work so he doesn't want to necessarily discuss work when he gets home.


Does she talk about her day with you?

You say you are retired, so I gather income is not an issue, I ask because, you go on date nights, who pays for that? And I am asking because I am trying to determine why she feels no connection, in that manner with you.

Is it because, she likes her life for-instance, away from a family situation more so than being at home.

Is it because, she earns some income but finances are tough, or her finances aren't spent on her, or is that part time job so she can buy herself things...

What if you had a part time job, both of you would have things to talk about that you've experienced through the day, instead of all of your days being filled with housework and children?

Sex is sex...If she is not into dressing up for you, using toys with you, sees is as sex, it won't happen.

Intimacy, is different, women in love do want sex, they see it as a bond, intimacy, love... And that starts from feeling special, loved...

I have had a husband that just wanted the deed, didn't do anything for me.

I have a fiance that has to hug me everymorning and smile look me in the eyes, has to kiss me hello and goodbye, wants to say I love you, smiles when I get home from work as he opens the garage for me, makes me feel wanted, loved... and in that, I want the same,and intimacy, I never see it as sex, unless we are in a horny mood and just want to do it over the sink, lounge, passion.

PASSION .. Is a wonderful word, without in life we don't have passion in the bedroom.

Once, a physcologist that I was communicating with over the net, when I separated, said to me, find someone with passion, who is passionate about something in life and you will find someone who is passionate in bed.

I followed that advice.

So, the point being, maybe there isn't enough adventure, enough money for that, enough laughter, enough longing looks, talks about future plans, goals, doing things together other than housework, looking after the kids....

As for Stressed's comments, sharing your thoughts on your own experiences, definately gives some in-sight for sure, however, if someone asks a question, it's just as important to add an answer to that person specifically as well...

There is no "normal"... It is highly important to bond, sexually or else there is no relationship, you become friends, but, to bond sexually, you have to bond intimately, in all that you do, like two souls meeting as one.

CW

[Guest]

Okay, so my phrasing wasn't very good...got it!

Together since the age of seventeen and retired at age 30.

After thriteen years together and still young, seems like you ought to be able to talk about anything with each other.

Using different "phrasology" then I suggested previously....

[CHANDLERS WISH]

And yet again, everything is the husband's fault. Congrats! Quick question, Caregirl. How do you seduce somebody when you know the answer will be negative?
Moreover, I've never said that the reward should be sex. Seducing (and also appreciaton) is a lot of things. For example:
"Let me do that for you!" - "That" means any simple non-sexual thing.
"How was your day?"
"Thank you!"
"How about I take you out for a change?"
"You are handsome/sweet/...."

Some of biggest turn-ons for almost every man. We are very simple creatures, we just want to be recognized and not taken for granted. Just like women.

Tut, tut demotivator...

People can have opinions ..

Some women view men as "MEN" you know, never cry, the provider, fixer-upper...

Some women view men as 'HUMAN", they can cry, everyone has feelings, both provide, it's an equal world, right or should be so it's an equal relationship, no blame game, and sure, he's a man, he can fix things, but he's also HUMAN, and requires the same as we do, love, intimacy, being told you have beautiful eyes, I love you with meaning, good morning with a smile, loved...and, shown in bed, the bond, connection, you are the man, but then I am all woman....

I get what you are saying, people need to appreciate each other, and also understand that ALL relationships are WORK ....everything in life we have to work for, towards, and remember that.....

[EagleChief]

I am always the one who instigates sex, and i feel that because of the many things that i do to alleviate stress from her life, compliment her when she is down, and help her out that i shouldn't get shot down for sex... IMO... She is really down on herself right now about her weight. I have been in the gym for a few years now and have lost a ton of fat and gained more muscle than i've ever had and she's upset that she can't loose the weight. I have gone far enough as to alter my workout routine and schedule to help her out on the 5 days a week that she's not working and i feel like only when i hold her by her hand and "almost force her" to do the exercises, that she'll do them... I try to encourage her to go to the gym and find a workout partner that she feels comfortable with, and let them motivate each other....but it hasn't worked...

[EagleChief]

caster, i appreciate what you've said. I have talked to my wife many times and asked her to make an appointment for her to get her hormone levels checked and make sure that she is mentally/physically okay. We are both 31, have three girls (7.3.2)... I've tried the foreplay thing, done the pron movies, taken her to sex toy stores, and they're all like pulling teeth. On date nights, after dinner or movie, i'll take her home to try to relax and all she wants to do is go get the kids and bring them home... I've even asked her if there was something wrong with me and she says no that she just has no interest in sex... It takes a seriously hard toll on a man to not get the physical companionship that you need. Weather or not you do all of the extra things around the house or not, it's like an added bonus for doing a good job...

[txdot2010]

First, there is no "magic" number of what's normal, it's whatever frequency works for you and your significant other. Most couples in your age bracket avg. about once a week, for what its worth.

Secondly, you're in that tough spot, age-wise, where the demands of parenting and working and life are pretty tough. Hard to carve out time and feel sexy when everyone (man or woman) are both tired of kids, chores, etc. and that makes it harder.

Thirdly, how does your wife feel about the matter? I skimmed through much of the thread but didn't see where you stated what her opinion of the sex life was. Perhaps that's a starting point for the conversation to come to a point of common ground where both parties can open express themselves and figure out what is right for them.

I'm not saying you did this, but many of these conversations tend to get into an "unloading" where one partner does all the talking and the other just nods, is on the defensive, and often becomes a fight. To my opinion, the best time/way to bring it up is to do it when you are already close together, like cuddling and/or already discussing something of an intimate nature and have plenty of time (usually 1am is not a good start time IMHO). Keep your statements to descriptions of how you feel....ex: "There I times when I....", "Sometimes I feel......" etc (and it never hurts to start with some complimentary statements such as "I like it a lot when we/you do....."). This way you state what you feel and no one can argue with what you feel, it is what it is. Then lead into a open ended questions and hopefully, a discussion where you get the other party to talk about how they feel, what they like/expect or whatever. Avoid "you" statements "You always do/don't do this....", "You feel that....". those tend to be received as insults or are interpretations of events. Remember the three points of view (yours, mine, and the truth).

A married couple should be able to talk about intimate subjects, seriously, openly, and honestly. But it has to be a dialog (two-way conversation). Otherwise it's one person on a rant and the other person wanting it to end as quickly as possible.

Good luck and hope it works out for you.

[EagleChief]

Wildchild... Thank you for you're words...
What are your ages? we're both 31
How long have you been together? we were dating for 5 months before we got married in 1998, and have been together ever since, we celebrate our 13th anniversary in May...
Is she orgasmic? Most of the time, a few times (mainly when i take too long to ejaculate) she starts to wear down and not be as interested or excited by sex...
Was there a time when the two of you had a really good sex life together? Ohhh yeah...If so how long has the situation of her having low/no interest existed? For almost 8 yrs, shortly after getting pregnant with our first child...
How old are your children?7.3.2
Are you both employed outside the home?I am retired, i stay at home with the kiddos during the day when they aren't in school. She works 2 days a week. I do spend about 2-2.5 hrs a day, Mon-Sat in the gym to get "me" time and some adult interaction...
Can you pinpoint any events or situation that might have triggered this or be a factor? She seems stressed and depressed. I have talked many many many many times with her about seeing a dr/counselor for it, and only recently (today) did she make an appointment.
Is she or are you on any meds? Nope, never has been on anything but BC, and has been off for 2-2.5 yrs now because i had a vasectomy.
Have you sat down and had a calm discussion about the situation and both of your feelings? All the time, and it's always the same thing. She says she'll "get better about wanting sex more" or "instigate sex the next time" or "things are gonna change" but they never do... We've even had heated arguments about it because of how long it had been between times... (I thought i was gonna get severe tennis elbow...j/k) - sorry, i try to stay upbeat about all of this and i just want to help her and find out what the "real" problem is...

[EagleChief]

[QUOTE=caster;258652]You want the reply I got from asking that same question several different ways over many years?
1. "What's wrong with our relationship?"
2. "Sex is all you think about"
3. "You're never satisfied"
4. "I'm happpy with our sex life, why aren't you"

I get answers 1-3 all of the time... I'm not asking for sex every day... just once maybe twice a week... I may be a horntoad, but i don't need it played with that often...