[chaya]

I haven't cheated with a class mate, yet. I'm just afraid I might and won't be able to stop myself. I haven't had an orgasm in over 6 months and I have sex with my husband 3 or more times a week. I still remember what good sex was like and I need it again. If my class mate turns me on again, I'm not sure I can control myself.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I haven't cheated with a class mate, yet. I'm just afraid I might and won't be able to stop myself. I haven't had an orgasm in over 6 months and I have sex with my husband 3 or more times a week. I still remember what good sex was like and I need it again. If my class mate turns me on again, I'm not sure I can control myself.

Wow.. Chaya.. Yet, yes you have in your mind...

I appreciate that you feel orgasm deprived but if you can get wet by someone brushing against you, but not your husband, then you either have committment issues or you do not love your husband.

Personally? Why bother getting married unless you meant your vows, yes you can stop yourself and if you are not happy, leave your husband and be a free spirit.

You can not have it both ways, sorry.

You seem to put it out there as if, to either get us to say NO.. Or, to convince yourself it's ok for you to do this. You've already cheated on him, does he deserve it again?

Maybe, he does. Maybe he's controlling. Maybe, demanding for "sex" and nothing more, he doesn't know how to make love, to be intimate and he won't learn, doesn't want to, he's a Cop, he is the boss. That's the thing isn't it...?

So, make your own life. You can't have your religion properly he doesn't like it, you have no job yet, and so things are difficult.

You can't have it all your way...

Make your mind up but it is un-fair to continue to cheat on him, if he's not the one he's not the one. Like I suggested, it's possible that you were in love with the idea of being in love... Nothing more nothing less at that time.

You were super excited if I recall...

Time to re-visit the wedding photos and then make your decision...

Saying you would be better of dead, is you feeling some pain and sorrow for self. Because, you can feel, you can get wet. So, there are other issues here.

[Stillness]

Chaya,

What happened on the retreat? Your husband says things changed after that and you seem to be open to the idea of your beliefs affecting your sexual life. What beliefs? What would make it so you would get so aroused with a stranger and not your husband? I wouldn't discount your husband's view. A man in tune with his wife can be very intuitive.

[chaya]

I spent half of last night reflecting what CW said and after 2 hours sleep I felt ready to go to school. When I met my partner at the hospital, he acted like he did every other day. He had no idea that I had acted like a fool last Friday. The whole day went on as usual, morning at the hospital reviewing patients, afternoon at the school library writing papers. I found out that my school partner has a girlfriend and is engaged to get married after they graduate.

At the retreat, we just meditated most of the time and went to talks and reviewed the various teachings. It was more meditation and living a primitive life for a week. There was no TV or radio allowed, or modern convinces, just the necessities. It was far enough out so no cell service and there were no outgoing telephones, just incoming for emergencies only. One thing that stands out in my memory is that after the third day I was starting to get very horny and missed my husband. The first night after I got home we made up for it. My husband still thinks that they changed me and blames them for turning me frigid.

Anyway, I am right now trying to decide how to tell my husband that I spent $250 on a ticket to the Dalai Lama talk Wednesday. All the tickets were sold out so I had to buy one from a scalper at school. I know he will be mad at me, not only because of the money but because of my dedication to Buddhism.

[jns]

Chaya, the likelihood is that if you cheat with your school partner it will end up like your previous time. Because it is forbidden, it gets you excited, not because it is being with another person. This sounds like OCD. Maybe your approach to religion is an attempt to get a grip on it. Have you explored OCD as a root cause with a good doctor?

[chaya]

I would think that OCD would be the last thing that I have. Being a Buddhist, we do our best to refrain from attachment and craving. What is it I do that makes you think I am OCD?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You were meant to get more sleep than 2hrs

Chaya... I guess, that I just want you to be happy and in that, I just don't think that your husband makes you happy, desired and loved. And, I think that is the key to all your problems.

Re telling him? Well, you look after him in more ways than one.. It was your dream, it was there in front of you.. I assume it was your money? I understand you are married and I assume it's something you wanted? Then why or how can he not understand, or deprive you.. See what I mean?

Sleep tonight or else.

[BabyGirl]

I think JNS was possibly thinking of ROCD, which is Relationship OCD. OCD is not just about washing your hands 7 times in a Row or walking only on the right side of a street.

A Brief on ROCD

ROCD – How Relationship Substantiation Can Jeopardize Your Romantic Life


ROCD (Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) commonly exists as an aspect of an OCD diagnosis. This part of the OCD illness displays itself as a type of obsession with quality of relationships. People that deal with obsessive thinking find it very hard to focus on pleasurable activities and tend to take life very seriously. Racing thoughts, ruminations and intrusive thoughts about their partners, as well as demands for perfection and orderliness places a great strain on relationships. A person that has relationship OCD can consciously or unconsciously expect their partner to cater to them and their fixations. Failing to accommodate the ROCD sufferer can cause immense difficulties.

The ROCD victim constantly and repeatedly questions whether their current partner is really the right one for them, and whether they actually love that partner. Dwelling on faults and inadequacies in themselves and others, and seemingly unaware that all individuals and relationships have flaws and shortcomings, they question whether or not they truly love their partner.

Some individuals who deal with relationship OCD also question their ability to love, or continue to love another person, or feel that maybe their feelings are not what they should be towards their partner. This type of negative self-talk often leads to either short-term or permanent breakups of what would otherwise have been an adequate relationship. When asked, they are often unable to really explain the breakup beyond that “their feelings weren’t right”.

ROCD, as is consistent with other aspects of OCD, is caused by exhausting and all-consuming thoughts and ruminations. Triggers for ROCD episodes can come from sources that are inside or outside the individual.

A common internal trigger is the ROCD victim constantly comparing their own relationships with the relationships of others around them and finding theirs somehow lacking. For others, rumination, or intrusive fantasy images, about a partner being involved with another can create irrational jealousy.

Outside sources that can trigger episodes can come from images seen in movies or on television, or taken from popular music. The ROCD sufferer compares their own relationships with the unreal, and unrealistic, glamorized and idealized images taken from media and feels that their own relationships are somehow lacking. This tendency to compare reality with “fantasy” can serve as a trigger for an ROCD fueled bout of self-doubt that leads to breaking up a relationship that doesn’t measure up to an “ideal” of a relationship.

Coping with OCD in an intimate relationship is very challenging. In addition to the standard treatments of psychotherapy and medication that help the victim to recognize and manage their own symptoms, it is helpful to get the partner involved in the management of the disease. Through couples’ counseling, and an emphasis on honest and open communication between partners, misunderstandings can be avoided (for example an OCD partner might fear “contamination” through being intimate while the non-OCD partner might react by feeling “I’m not attractive.”). As with other types of mental health problems it is also very helpful to join a support group as a means of sharing and discussing feelings of embarrassment or isolation that come from these problems.

Though the above doesn't mean you have ROCD, it might be worth looking into. Also Not every person that has ROCD, has every symptom.

The thing here is you state you get Horny and wanted to masturbate, because the "partner" accidentally touched your breast with his arm, you held hands and Kissed your Hawaiian Neighbor boy and had thoughts of cheating.

Sometimes you say you have No Libido, other times you darn near Cream your Jeans over a slight touch. Sometimes you say Intercourse is painful, physically, but when you were first Married you didn't mention it as Painful, but satisfying.

Again, when Hubby seems a bit Rough or Demanding during Intercourse ( more of the His Self Serving only himself ) times. It seems to be "painful" to you. Which can and probably goes back to the Rape.
But with the thought of Sex with new people,You don't seem to have the First thought that Intercourse will be Painful. And your Libido, seems to go in Overdrive.

This seems an Issue with you & Hubby. As CW mentioned. Do you Love your Hubby ? Was he just your Knight in Shining Armor that day he " Rescued you ", Was he the First man that helped you and was kind to you and made you feel like a Precious Young Woman, rather than abusing you , like the 2 guys who raped you ? Did you grasp on to that Kindness and think it was Love ?

Now this isn't all about You...
Why did Hubby fall in love with you ? How did he think of You, Beautiful ( of Course ) Young, ( yep ) needing someone to Protect ( definable, by his Job to serve and Protect ). Were you Sexy, Sweet, Gentle ( I'm sure all of those ). Malleable, his knowing your raising was to please and honor a man. Out of all the women in the So Cali area, Why was it You he chose ?

This , Chaya, is where you need answers and Counseling will help. You and Hubby have committed yourselves to Marriage. Now is the time to try and keep that Commitment. Both of you working on it. TOGETHER, not Apart.

On the Buddhism, You are Not a Buddhist, Though you are Studying and leaning towards that Type of Life (philosophically). But in that Faith, one does not Cheat or hold thoughts of Cheating.

In your words..

Being a Buddhist, we do our best to refrain from attachment and craving.

From what little I have Studied on Buddhism, That does not mean that you Refrain from Attachment and Craving of ones Spouse. It is the Opposite, to " Attach and Crave Only Ones Spouse ".


So Again and Again and Again.. I hope you will get some Counseling, For Yourself, for your Hubby and for both of you as a Couple..

[Olympia]

Chaya,

There seems to be a high rate of guilt you feel. (the rape, debating on revealing that to your husband, your sexual exploration, lack of desire with him, and your faith) Far too many to come to terms with. However, by further exploration with a fellow student, (to my way of thinking) will only add to the situation.
Shed this guilt! But do so honestly! To you and those you love.

[chaya]

Is it possible that the extramarital lascivious feelings I had last Friday (and on other occasions), were due to ovulation? I did have sensitive breasts Friday/Saturday and it was the right time of my cycle for ovulation.

If that was the cause, why don't I get turned on by my husband any more? I'm beginning to think it's because he is so big that when I'm not aroused he causes me so much pain I'm afraid of him. I've talked to him about doing more "foreplay" but he dismissed it as perversion. The most foreplay I ever get is a few minutes of hugging/kissing then he's ready for penetration. He very rarely touches me in the vaginal area, before I turned frigid, this was not a problem because I got turned on before him. Now I never get turned on. Once the penetration starts I just want it to get over with.