[darcdante]

Not being turned on by your husband can easily be caused by the fear of pain.

I agree with this. Since you (Chaya) have apparently always had a low libido, your body may just be reacting to one bad incident where you weren't fully aroused and your husband hurt you. Then you combine that with the rape and the cheating, and things quickly spiraled out of control until you're too stressed out to sleep, much less get aroused.

Many people who cheat do so because they get lost in a fantasy world. The person they cheat with is new, "forbidden" as another poster said. They don't represent the stress of daily life, so it's easier to forget one's worries when in their company. What typically happens is that the two end up having an affair, but when they start building their own stresses on each other, the same problems arise and they lose interest in one another.

Since you and your husband spent two hours cuddling, I'm assuming he was forgiving and understanding. That makes me like him, but he needs to realize how important foreplay is to you. I think the two of you need to stop rushing to the main event, because that will only cause further pain for you. Forget about that part entirely. Just start with the cuddling. Hold each other and kiss each other without the thought that it has to end with sex. Just enjoy being together as husband and wife. There's a lot more to a marriage than sex and there's a lot more to sex than penetration.

[chaya]

I told my husband I wanted to go to Yokoji-Zen Mountain Center Saturday to attend their Fusatu (a ritual of atonement, purification, and renewal of vows). We are going to make a weekend of it. Tonight we'll stay at a B&B we've been to before, tomorrow I'll go to the Zen center and he will go to visit his mother. I'll stay overnight at the Zen center and he'll pick me up Sunday morning.

He's been a lot more understanding since our "talk". I feel renewed after getting a good nights sleep. Last night he just held me until I was asleep and didn't try to have sex with me. I could tell he wanted to and feel guilty that I didn't offer it to him before I fell asleep.

Hubby is all for adopting my sisters baby but I still can't decide. If I told my family I wanted to do it and me and hubby couldn't solve our problems it could be bad for everyone concerned.

Yesterdays event with the Dalai Lama at the Viejas arena was so inspiring. My family are Zen Buddhists but we have always revered the Dalai Lama. When I told my mother I was going, she was jealous she couldn't go with me. I had a perfect seat, it was in the 8th row from the stage and I could see him all the time. It was a great honor for me to be than close to him. My husband waited for me in the casino. We had dinner at Viejas, I made an exception and had lobster. It was so good after only vegetarian food for so long.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Chaya..

See, he didn't get mad that you bought the ticket. He held you close , arranged to go with you and see his Mom, wait for you at the Casino for dinner, suggested Lobster for dinner...

Seems you don't know him well enough

I also think you are thinking "duty/wife" instead of intimate and bonding.

I also think that you need to discuss your prowess side with him, that you "need" and like different positions, things sexually.. I think, if I was him, I'd be wary, we've discussed this, as you told him of the past.. But, he has denied things possibly as he is wary, as he doesn't maybe believe you... You have to discuss your sex life, you need and want more excitement... I think he's holding back for you, not against you... And, therefore, you feel like it's just sex.

After all, all the things you say he won't accept he is accepting.

[Mbkk44]

I would as man say its cheating but more to the point is the relationship faulty, if it were me I would be upset but because it was not another man i think i could get over it slowly, but i would need to be worked on for a while to repair the damage.

[Honda Dude]

Yes I would have to say that it is. However maybe considered a learning experience ?