[CHANDLERS WISH]

Chaya.

You have an inquisitive soul.. Your directions and thoughts are different than that of your husbands..

But, having said that, your mind wanders remember the school? I am asking myself if this wasn't a fantasy of yours, as you seem to have these thoughts..of being a little out there, different and lustful. I understand your values of marriage however.

Is it a fight between Gods?

I also wonder honestly, if your husband being so regiment would leave you. You cheated, you know you did and you are justifying the means in my opinion... It was for "you".

I want you to ask yourself the truth... Who was it for?

And, if you are nieve and don't see that if your husband found out, that he is not the type to say "yay threesome" women, go me. Then again you are asking us to tell you something . NO DON'T TELL HIM.

But, how many times can we say that?

What does CHAYA really want out of life, that's the question.

[Claret]

Cheating on your SO or Spouse or Boyfriend - all has the same definition - anything he/she doesn't know about that would affect them emotionally or physically. You know what it is, you now have to live with it and own up to it if, even just to yourself.

[chaya]

I didn't tell my husband about the incident with my 2 female friends. It would have not served any purpose to tell him and would have widened the rift between us.

For the record, I do consider what I did as cheating and so do most of you. It did start out as experimentation; I wanted to see if I could get sexually aroused by oral sex. I have never experienced oral sex before, maybe under different circumstances I would have enjoyed it but I had already started to feel guilty.

Some of you have suggested that my frigidity might be mental rather than physical. This is possible because I get aroused in my sleep. I have waked up a few times wet and aroused. I tried waking up my husband and we had sex but as soon as we start I get turned off. I’m just not turned on by anything sexual anymore.

Since my husband needs sex; even though I love him, I don’t see how I can spend the rest of my life with him. I see myself as better off living in a Buddhist monastery and living out my life as a nun. Maybe if I can finish school and become a working nurse things will be different. Right now I feel real useless, I can’t have children, I don’t enjoy sex, my mother in law hates me and I can’t be a good wife to my husband.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Right now I feel real useless, I can’t have children, I don’t enjoy sex, my mother in law hates me and I can’t be a good wife to my husband.

You will not be punished for your anger; you will be punished by your anger.

Chaya... With every negative there is a positive you just have to find it.. If you need more support, councelling, letting go of the anger of the past, please do it, as you are clearly punishing yourself, with that signature in mind and your last paragraph.

Being a "good wife" takes work, effort and more importantly time.. and it's not being good, it's being whole, two people as one...

Take a step back, and love yourself, so you can learn to let others in and to love others.

[BabyGirl]

Chaya Sweetie,

Right now I feel real useless, I can’t have children, I don’t enjoy sex, my mother in law hates me and I can’t be a good wife to my husband.

You are not Useless in any way.. You are a Beautiful young Lady, one who has gone through Tragic times and Survived. You can Have Children, you just can't Bear them yourself. You can Adopt and give a child a Very Loving and Stable Home. Think of all the lost and Lonely Children that need someone like you as a Mother. Loving Couples find ways around, not having Kids, having Sexual Problems.

Yes Sexual Relations is Important to a Marriage or Relationship, but if it is not possible, Medically, That should not end the Relationship, if there is enough Love to work around it. Intercourse is only one part of Making Love.

I wanted to see if I could get sexually aroused by oral sex. I have never experienced oral sex before, maybe under different circumstances I would have enjoyed it but I had already started to feel guilty.

Are you saying your Hubby has never given you Oral ? Why Not ? Have you ever asked him to ?
From your past posts, you seem to have tried be be a very good wife and to Please him.
It's time you Be a Better wife and tell him, you would like to Experiment with him, Sexually.
You might want Oral from him, to see if you can be aroused that way. Your sexual relationship with him, seems to be One Sided, His Pleasure Only.

Some of you have suggested that my frigidity might be mental rather than physical. This is possible because I get aroused in my sleep. I have waked up a few times wet and aroused. I tried waking up my husband and we had sex but as soon as we start I get turned off. I’m just not turned on by anything sexual anymore.

Your feeling of " Duty " to give it to him, could be from when you were Raped. It was Taken, It was Demanded. Therefore when a Man wants it, it is Given, even if you don't want it ( possibly in your Subconscious).
So you think that since you do Not Enjoy Sex, you are Frigid ? I doubt that, or you would not have been Turned on by that Ex Neighbor, nor would you have been Turned on by Hubby. Having Wet Dreams also indicates you can be Aroused..

Honey,
You should really see a General and /or Sex Therapist, one just for you at first, to work through the " Blocked Emotions ", that aren't really Blocked, just hiding under the Surface. You want to make love with the one you love, but when it comes to actually doing it, your mind switches to Pain and Duty and " lets just get it Over with" Mode.

This is Normal Recovery for Rape Survivors, ask any of us that have been Raped. Notice I said SURVIVORS, not VICTIMS !!
It can take Years to get to what we call a "Normal " sex life. We don't want Sex, some of us don't want to be Held or Touched, Sexually, or made to Feel like we Have to, But we will , for the Sake of our Love for the "hubby". We want the Dream Life, Car, Home,Kids, Friends..

But it takes Survival Skills, not just " Bury it in a Hole and let it Sprout back up "
It takes work, Hard work, Desire to Heal and the Desire to be that Survivor !!!
It takes one willing to not be a Victim and a Man or Partner that is willing to help you through it, to go through it with you ( in some cases where women are Raped or Assaulted while in a Relationship ). The Relationship is what you work on Forward, But letting them be Aware of your Past.

We can live in the Past and the Negative... We can Live Today, Fighting the Demons and Loving the Angels.
We are Woman, We do Survive, Proof of that is You are here

So Sweetie, instead of saying " I'm ( fill in Negative ) I Can't ( fill in Negative). Try some "I will try to (fill in Positives )."

And as for your " Experimenting " for that Reason/ Oral ' That is a Cop~Out.. You wanted Love, tenderness, attention, that you were finding with your girlfriends. You aren't happy in your Marriage with him, feeling neglected and when the opportunity came up .. You Tried it.

And felt Guilt.. The same as you did when you almost followed through with the guy in Oahu. You were Aroused, but did not follow through. Which is Commendable as a Wife.
But, it is time you look into the " Root Cause " of why your marriage is not working. On Both sides. You say you love him, I believe that. But you should learn to Love yourself as much if not more that you love him.

Maybe you weren't Ready for a permanent relationship. Maybe he was your " Knight In Shining Armour ". Maybe he was the first man you felt Safe with. Maybe it's Not a Marital kind of Love, but Obligation and Security of being " rescued ".

These are things you can work out, with a Therapist. And later with a Marriage Counselor, if you are both willing to Continue/ Save the Marriage.

I don't think, becoming a Buddhist Nun is your answer.. I think using what you learn from them in your Religion, is a Tool that you can use . As well as the Tools of Experiencing a day to day Life that, yes , Challenges you and Changes you.

[Stillness]

Hey Chaya,

I didn't tell my husband about the incident with my 2 female friends. It would have not served any purpose to tell him and would have widened the rift between us.

It would serve the purpose of being honest. I'm not telling you what to do or being judgmental, because I've told my fair share of lies and have hidden the truth plenty of times in my life, so I understand. But I do know that things like this have a tendency to come out - maybe he'll read it on the internet, or your friends will tell someone that will tell him, or you'll eventually tell him yourself - I don't know. But, hiding a wrong can often times be as bad or worse than the wrong itself for a relationship, whether you try to make it work or not. A man could forgive an indiscretion like this with a woman like you that is working very hard to please him but is experiencing extreme frustration. There are women that enjoy sex that use it to manipulate or reject their husbands whenever they don't feel like it, but you are always ready to please. A lot of people don't have that in a mate. Look at how many people on these boards are saying, "I know he/she doesn't want it, but at least he/she could satisfy me." It makes you valuable. It says a lot about your character and wisdom to me. Telling him may even improve the relationship and your sex life. He may start to work harder with you to come up with a solution. And even if he didn't forgive, I've known divorced couples that have remained close friends, even though their marriage failed.

Then there's your own conscience. If your issues are psychological, the guilt can't help, can it?

If you do decide to tell him, you could write it down first if you don't know what to say.

I wish that there was something me or anybody could do to help you solve your problem.

[chaya]

I certainly have a lot to think about after reading all your wonderful responses. One thing is becoming clear to me; unless I find a cure for my frigidity I can't stay married.

As I think back on my past, most of my life I have had low/nonexistent libido. The only time I had a higher/normal libido was after I met my husband. From the time we met to about a year after we married I considered myself “normal”. I couldn’t get enough sex; my libido was much greater than my husbands. Then something happened, I don’t remember exactly when, my libido disappeared. I no longer desired sex and couldn’t get aroused no matter what the stimuli. My big question now is “Is this condition permanent?” Because if it is; I should get a divorce for my husband’s sake as well as my own.

My husband thinks my religion is the reason for my lack of desire. He says that it started right after I went on a one week retreat to a Buddhist temple. He says those monks put all those warped moralistic ideas in my head. I discount the idea of monks putting ideas in my head but my beliefs might play a part in my loss of libido.

My GYN says I have low estrogen; because I only have one ovary my estrogen levels are unstable. That causes my irregular menstrual cycles and light or heavy periods. Another doctor, recommended by my GYN, says I have extensive adhesions caused by previous abdominal surgery. I think they are both right but is that the reason for my low libido?

Maybe the normal for me is low/zero libido and the year of high libido I had after marriage was abnormal for me. Until I was 17 I never took any sexual interest in boys. I was a tomboy all the way; I hated dressing up in girly things. The only time I remember kissing a boy was at a New Years Eve party my parents made me go to. The only dates I ever had with boys were arranged by my father. He was determined that I was to marry the son of his best friend, to unite the families he said. When I went on an arranged date with Tadami (Tod) my mom took me to the salon for a complete makeover and bought me new girly outfits. Who knows, if I hadn’t been raped and almost killed I might be married to Tod today and have children of my own. After the rape I wished I had died I was so miserable. The 6 months before I met my husband I was so depressed that I almost ended my own life several times. Then I met him and fell in love and he gave me a reason to live again. Now I’m right back where it all started, everyone concerned, including me, would be better off if I had died after the rape.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Now I’m right back where it all started, everyone concerned, including me, would be better off if I had died after the rape.

Chaya sweet, a part of you did die, it's time to get it back, to own yourself again, to not let that person win, don't you think?

Didn't your husband deny you some sex, when you were wanting it all the time? I am sure I read that, if so, this is the reason I think as to why you've changed your tune, a rejection can lead to fear.

I think you need to face your demons...It's time for CHAYA to stop feeling sorry for herself, for her to think there is no good ending and to realise that all things possible are possible and again, I strengthen, to love yourself...YOU... CHAYA, so that you can work through and allow all good things to flow...

[chaya]

For the past week I have been doing a Med-Surg Clinical Rotation at a hospital. I was assigned to work/study with a partner, a man my same age. We are assigned to a Med Surgical unit and have to write up pathos, look up meds, and make a care plans. We spend the mornings at the hospital studying patients and afternoons doing the write ups.

We had been doing our write ups in a corner of the school library but Friday we decided to work in a local Starbucks coffee shop. All week I had noticed him and how attractive he was. He is thin and only about an inch taller than me. Friday we were sitting next to each in a booth working on my computer. Our bodies were touching and when he reached over to to hit a key on the computer his arm brushed my breast. I felt a tingle all through my body and soon after felt myself getting wet. I was trembling all over and excused myself and ran to the ladies room. I was so aroused I wanted to masturbate but that has never worked for me, it just makes me more frustrated. What I really wanted right then was him to take me. I stayed in the ladies room splashing cold water on my face for a long time. When I came out I told him I wasn't feeling well and had to go home.

When I got home I took a cold shower and waited for my husband to get home to see if I would get aroused with him. I didn't and spent the evening and part of the night daydreaming about having sex with my school friend. So I guess it is my fate to be a cheating sl** and I'm not sure I can control myself at school tomorrow.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

CHAYA

Respect yourself....

You are going in the wrong direction.

It may be a simple thing such as you don't love your husband, you loved the "idea" of having one.

Cheating with women, cheating with a class mate, you are self distructing.

GET a grip on yourself and have a think.