[Fallen1]

I agree that a relationship with differing libidos are difficult.

I understand that sex is not everything in a relationship but I do believe it can be said it is the glue that holds it all together. It is very difficult for the partner that is being rejected. I know, I live it, however I have come to deal with it as we have had discussions and we both are working together.

It has been mentioned that it was not fair for the partner with the higher drive to expect it from his/her partner, on the same token neither is it fair for the one with the lower drive to expect the other to do without.

For better or worse has also been mentioned as it is a common part of the marital ceremony, I have to say that I do not believe these words can be used to "excuse" someone from not trying to work with their partner. If the two involved in the relationship truly love one another they will BOTH work together on the issue to come to an agreeable compromise.

[sexnlove]

This is my first comment, and the reason I joined this thread. I am a 25F and am very beautiful. I am re-married to a successful man. We have a baby together and he is a great dad. I love his responsibility, his heart, etc...except our sex life is VERY unsatisfying for me. I feel really alone. Every night I prepare for bed, hoping he will "be in the mood"..and like 5 days will go by before he even thinks of sex. I have a VERY high sex drive and wish we could do it twice a day. Nothing works to bring it down, and now im starting to feel ugly, wanting to get a boob job, etc...I feel like he isn't even turned on by me. He wont talk dirty to me, he said"im not 25" when I asked him too, he wont change positions often from missionary, he won't slap my ******, he wont do anything and sometimes won't even kiss me before he goes right for intercourse. Im so frustrated. I had to BEG him to give him a blow job-and he didn't even make any noise, or say it feels good...and then after 30 seconds wanted sex. I feel unwanted, and im very sexual by nature and feel rejected. I think it is affecting every aspect of our relationship. I feel angry that he isn't full of passion with me. Im 25 and beautiful, have two beautiful sons, and am pretty!!! He is 32...you would think he would be more into it...since I am. I wish he was just into me, and got crazy with me. We have argued about it several times. Sexuality for me...also defines who I am as I am very sexual and have always been. Is this something worth leaving over??? Cause it is NOT getting any better and he isn't even willing to work on making sure im satisfied. He will get there and not tell me before, he won't speak one word, and seems to never be interested in my pleasure. Help!! Please, I remarried...and thought we would be able to work thru this but it isnt so. I do not know what to do anymore. He wont be adventerous with me, or make it FUN. I am SO sad, as this is the only real problem we have. Please suggestions! Im 25 and feel like im 40!

[jns]

Just because he is successful doesn't mean he will have a high libido. But he could have an advantage over other guys in getting classically beautiful women. It seems that you may be caught is such a conundrum. A guy who really falls for a girl will think she is beautiful even if others don't. I'm sorry you are in this situation. Sometimes it is better to find someone who is more sexually compatible and is still a provider, just not what others would label as super successful. A person who goes to work every day, many times for a company. Maybe his success is partially caused by his harnessing his sexual drive for business. Have you two tried counseling to try to get on the same page about sex and libido?

[Stillness]

I am a 25F and am very beautiful…Im 25 and beautiful…and am pretty!!!

Welcome! I wasn't sure from your comment - are you pretty?

I'm joking. One of the things you'll pick up from other threads if you read on this issue is that your attractiveness and your mate's libido are two separate things. If your husband was horny and you were average, he'd be all over you. It most likely has nothing to do with how you look to him. So forget about that and the boob job. To deal with this you're going to need your other assets - the ones inside your chest and your head.

You asked if it's worth leaving him. But, this is already your second marriage. I didn't get the feeling that your first husband died (I'm sorry if I'm wrong), so that means your first marriage failed. Nothing you can do about that, but besides being sexual and pretty you can define yourself as someone who is not a quitter. That's what it takes. I have a similar issue. It's improved. Others, men and women, have similar issues to. The ones who have seen improvement all have one thing in common. Patience. They waited and communicated their feelings, sometimes over years or decades. That doesn't mean it will ever be perfect, but there's no such thing. There's always going to be times when there's at least a slight disparity in libido - even for people who are well matched. In many cases it will vary widely with things like age, hormones, and stress. What if you quit on this otherwise good guy, got remarried, and the next guy turned out to be even worse?

The first place I'd start is calmly expressing how difficult this is for you. Our society often overlooks women's needs for sexual pleasure. He may not realize how important it is for you. Don't argue. Do be accusatory. Be calm. If he's successful he's a problem solver. Tell him how great he is, then tell him you have a problem you need help with. Tell him how you feel without raising your voice and ask him what you think you two should do. Then be quiet and listen.

You may be able to work out a compromise. Like instead of 5 days or twice a day, maybe you can do 3 times a week.

[JonDoe]

I agree that a relationship with differing libidos are difficult.

I understand that sex is not everything in a relationship but I do believe it can be said it is the glue that holds it all together. It is very difficult for the partner that is being rejected. I know, I live it, however I have come to deal with it as we have had discussions and we both are working together.

It has been mentioned that it was not fair for the partner with the higher drive to expect it from his/her partner, on the same token neither is it fair for the one with the lower drive to expect the other to do without.

For better or worse has also been mentioned as it is a common part of the marital ceremony, I have to say that I do not believe these words can be used to "excuse" someone from not trying to work with their partner. If the two involved in the relationship truly love one another they will BOTH work together on the issue to come to an agreeable compromise.

I'd like to see a study done on the libido imbalance in long-term relationships. My guess is that the partner with the higher libio dies at an earlier age due to the high level of stress. I can work more than 40 hours in 3 days and still wanna get busy with my wife everyday, whereas she says she is exhausted working less than 40 hours a week. "It's Friday, you know I'm too tired on Friday! Cut me some slack!" WTF? How much energy does it take when you just lay there and make me do all the work?

Sometimes it seems like a twisted, cruel world. Why aren't all of the lower libido people paired together, and likewise the higher libido people paired together?

My advice to anyone thinking about getting married... Don't settle for someone with a lower libido, you will only regret it years later, when things are far more complicated. They don't teach you these things in high school and college.

[JonDoe]

...people don't die or go crazy from not having sex.

Is this backed by research or just an educated guess?

You don't think long term rejection from your spouse has an impact on one's health? There are days when I feel like my sanity is being tested, and I am certain the undue stress will shorten my lifespan too.

No I'm not gonna die if I don't have sex tonight, but I am going to die sooner than I would if I had a healthy sex life and felt a much stronger bond with my wife. Is it killing me? Yes, slowly, but surely. What does she doe about it? Research a higher life insurance policy! No, I'm not kidding.

[sexnlove]

Not only does my husband have a WAY lower sex drive then me, which is REALLY hard for me but he is often very critical of me. He snapped on me today for putting my 4 month old near a vacuum-the "White noise" when he was crying and was mad at me cause he said "it will make him deaf", then when we were at his co-workers house tonight for her boys 2nd birthday he was mad because I wanted to change his diaper which he thought was very innapropirate at someone elses house, and also would not allow me to breatfeed their eitheir!!! Are these things inappropirate??? Then, he snapped more times because even though I breast feed all the time, he would not hold our baby so I could make a bottle for him since he was hungry and I sadly just didnt have enough milk...and said put him down and I said no he will cry and he said well I busy doing something else. Really made me sad, he makes me feel like a ****ty mom for wanting to supplement with ONE bottle of formula. He is 4 months, and has had 3 bottles in his entire life. HE is not just critical of me, but he also cannot match my sex drive. He never wants to try new things, wont even do oral sex and wants sex like once weekly. All these things together is killing me...what should I do!!

[jns]

Breastfeeding in another person's house? If that person objects, you should all leave and consider if you want to ever come back. Changing a diaper there? It's better to put your child through discomfort rather than do something natural? Th vacuum is a good way to get a baby to go to sleep or calm down. Just not too loud. Not holding the baby and helping out? Shame on him.

It sounds like your husband needs parenting classes.

Was your husband always like this as far as sex, even before marriage?

Can the two of you go to counseling?

[georges.lemaitre29]

I am just like your wife, zero sex drive. I lost my libido about 6 months ago. I still have sex with my husband whenever he asks but I get no pleasure other than the satisfaction of doing my duty and trying to make him happy.

It amazes me that you only need sex once a month, my husband needs it 2-3 times a week. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up and hope my libido returns. The only breaks I get is during my period, I never thought I would ever welcome that time of the month.

So the loss of your sex drive has nothing to do with the fact that your feelings for your husband have declined? I think most men would suspect that you don't like them anymore.

[Element]

I'm just now experiencing my "sexual side" and still have the libido of the average 25 year old; I like to have it. He's 31, a single father and his sex drive is lower than mine. But for good reason. He does his utmost to always satisfy me, even to the point of going into it knowing he doesn't have it in him to finish himself off; but sees to my needs. I know how special he is and how well he treats me. And after reading all of your guys' posts, I appreciate him all the more.