[CHANDLERS WISH]

Who wants a relationship based on lies? I think if its ever happened to you. You would probably understand better rcoreyus. Maybe it has and you don't care but that's not how most ppl would view it

I don't know. We are in fact all individuals. And, I'd even go as far as to say age plays a very big role in things. When younger, certainly, I did not like being cheated on.. However, totally get where Corey is coming from, because one thing I did notice, was that (he) my then boyfriend, did love me and showed it.. If a girl allows this, knowing he has a girlfriend/wife, then she is the fool. If there is love.

I also get the "lies" I don't like lies.. Major pet peeve.

But, again "age" he has to tell her because if he marries her there will be heck to pay............Or, if he goes to marry her later down the track, hopefully at least a couple of years down the track, he then lets her know before they get married so there are no lies... I would imagine after that length of time the trust is there, and she would see it was an error if, whether or not he was actually ready for a relationship, but proved that he is....

only dating 2- months, not engaged & not married at the time, & it was not sex, not that it makes it right. If I was married at the time I think that's a differnet story.

Same, your husband should not be putting this on you for the rest of your life, of his in-securities. You were not married. You also probably wasn't sure, you were about to be apart for 1 year, it takes some time to fall in love.

[rcoreyus]

People can be really funny about this. Ages ago my (future) wife and I dated on and off for several years. During one of the off times (she had dumped me), I slept with another woman. I had never mentioned it because it happened while we were not a couple so I didn't consider it her business (she has never told me about any other lovers she may have had). When she did ask and I told her, it upset her for a very long time. Remember, this wasn't cheating by any definition, she had dumped me and was in a relationship with someone else. She knew the upset wasn't rational, but still it bothered her.

Had this been cheating I suspect she never would have gotten over it. It all depends on the personality of the people involved.

[Euphoric]

RC,

I agree with you 100%, you were not cheating. When a person calls off a relationship, each individual is free to see and do as they please. You were honest when asked, but you could have just as easily refused to disclose that information. Hence, my comment on exclusivity. Unless both parties had agreed that they were in a committed relationship, it's not cheating.

[time2discover]

I agree with both of you RC and Euphoric. Based on the original thread, he's feeling guilty, so he considered it a committed
relationship. But when you ask for off time, don't expect your partner to turn off while you keep living!

[Bladyn'smommy16]

He didnt ask for time off though they were in a relationship so its cheating bottom line he should tell but to each there own I'm sure shell be even mad when she finds out on her own or he tells her years later ... Just talking about cheating makes me steamed lol

[Stillness]

rcoreyus, For me cheating is such a big deal because of the unusual bond between husband and wife. It's not just emotional. It's financial, familial, physical. It requires a lot of trust to be successful. Someone who enters into it that agrees to exclusivity, or even in the premarriage stages, that breaks that trust could demonstrate themselves unsuitable.

You say that lack of affection is a worst breach, but that is exactly the kind of problem infidelity can and does lead to on a regular basis. It can also introduce disease and extramarital children that create a financial/emotional/time drain. It demonstrates a lack of commitment as well. That person is a "flight" risk. So much of the success of a relationship depends on the sense of security that the couple has in their mate. You want to know that when stuff gets tight you can depend on them. All of that is interfered with if you cheat.

I disagree with the poster who said that this could brand him a cheater for life. I've heard of relationships that have gotten stronger after cheating. Depending on how he handles it and how she takes it she may initially be mad, but his honesty could come off really well in the long run. It could actually demonstrate his commitment and virtue in her eyes. Who knows, she may have already suspected something.

I also disagree with whoever said that 6 months is not a long time. I've been in love after 6 months. That's enough time to develop deep feelings. I think honesty now will save him a lot of headache in the future.

[jns]

Being cheated on once a long time ago is a lens to sharpen the view of a person's own insecurities. If they are basically insecure, they will never forgive such an indiscretion. If they are truly confident about themselves and their relationship, they will say the SO tried something else once a long time ago, came back and has been here ever since.

As far as lying, generally it is not a good policy, but if you are put in a situation where the person being lied to cannot handle the truth, you may not consider it such a black and white case. ... "Does this dress make me look fat?" ... Telling the woman who is in a very fragile state after an accident that her children were killed.

[mrmusic]

u don hv to tell her because you are not in love with her at all. its not fair to hurt her more than once if she forgives you this time. once the passion frizzles out, just break up with her.