[atskitty2]

That's what I'd say then - try another counselor/therapist, and keep interviewing them until you find the right one.
Even with all you said you've tried, I still think this is bigger than just the sex. Have her hormone levels been checked-have physical/hormonal abnormalities been ruled out? Have mental disorders been ruled out such as anxiety or depression? My gut tells me there's a real disconnect between you two, and I'm not saying it's for lack of trying, on your part, to reach her.

If what you say is true, then there's just simply a bigger reason she won't wait 2 mins for you to come upstairs & be a part of the fun. Why not sit there & read with her so she can USE YOU in that very moment when she wants to get off? Why she couldn't wait for you is beyond me, & Those possibilities are endless.

I think that this may come down to a rock-bottom scenario. If you leave her, and she is truly faced with a life without you, maybe she will be ready to face whatever holds her away from you. Sometimes people need those moments in life to shock them to reality.

[jen1447]

I agree with kitty, Jon. Also this

She thinks our marriage would be perfect if we stop fighting about sex, but cannot comprehend the fact that she holds the key to unlock that door.

sounds wrong. If she shrugs her shoulders and goes to walk the dogs when you say that you're thankful to have time alone w/her, that's not just a sex issue. Frankly, it seems like she has disdain for you on some core level.

[JonDoe]

I have certainly racked my brain trying to figure this out. Suppose for a moment that you are correct and she has disdain for me on a core level. Why doesn't she discuss it when I ask her what is standing in the way of us having a more intimate relationship? Why doesn't she bring it up in counseling? Why doesn't she shout it from the mountain tops for all to hear? Why does she say that she wants to spend the rest of our lives together? Why does she agree to be more intimate and fail to deliver on that promise for more than a few weeks?

Honestly, I'd be much happier to hear her share any disdain that she has for me and for us to decide to either divorce or to work at resolving the issue(s) together. I definitely don't want things to remain as is or continue to erode.

I am by no means trying to imply that I am perfect because I am well aware that I am not and cannot be perfect. I am human and make mistakes, but I have a lot of good qualities too.

[DreamP346]

I have certainly racked my brain trying to figure this out. Suppose for a moment that you are correct and she has disdain for me on a core level. Why doesn't she discuss it when I ask her what is standing in the way of us having a more intimate relationship? Why doesn't she bring it up in counseling? Why doesn't she shout it from the mountain tops for all to hear? Why does she say that she wants to spend the rest of our lives together? Why does she agree to be more intimate and fail to deliver on that promise for more than a few weeks?

Honestly, I'd be much happier to hear her share any disdain that she has for me and for us to decide to either divorce or to work at resolving the issue(s) together. I definitely don't want things to remain as is or continue to erode.

I am by no means trying to imply that I am perfect because I am well aware that I am not and cannot be perfect. I am human and make mistakes, but I have a lot of good qualities too.

You mentioned in a past post that when you brought up separation, she was worried about losing her lifestyle, her home, her dogs, her kids. Maybe that is why she doesn't openly let you know about her disdain and keeps you stringing along with false hopes of fixing things.

[jen1447]

Also note that disdain on her part is not an automatic indictment of your character. (That sounded mean, sorry.) It could just as easily be based on an irrational hangup on her part.

[JonDoe]

Also note that disdain on her part is not an automatic indictment of your character. (That sounded mean, sorry.) It could just as easily be based on an irrational hangup on her part.

No worries Jen. I found your comment to be constructive, well thought out, and clearly communicated, precisely what I am seeking from this forum. The reason I'm on a women's forum is to seek the feedback of well intentioned women who have first hand knowledge and experience with the complex female psyche.

Regarding my dilemma, I've tried digging deeper via communication numerous times over a span of two decades to no avail. Unfortunately, I'm running out of options and patience. This isn't at all the way I pictured my life. Sure, it could be much worse, but it could easily be much better too.

[atskitty2]

I touched on this thought in the long post that vanished-about how I also get a sense that she just doesn't like you very much.

I think your wife has got to start being honest with herself and then come clean with you.

I also think there's some disrespectfulness going on...I don't think she has much respect for you as a man or as a partner, maybe not even as a friend.

There are so many facets to relationship issues, and intricacies that only you can know. I hope some of what we're all contributing gives you some motivation.
I applaud you and respect you for not stepping out on her, even with available women. Not sure anyone would blame you if you did, but you've chosen a better path-for now.

[JonDoe]

I've thought a lot about asking my husband to go to counselling, but he is the type of person that LOVES to talk and talk and talk, make promises and never follow through.

BINGO! My wife has routinely made promises to be more intimate over the years, but never follows through consistently for more than a week or two at most. It reminds me of the failed diet plans that so many people start, but never stick to for enough time to be successful at achieving their personal weight loss goals. Just like most New Year's resolutions, there is a lack of motivation and follow through.

However, perhaps counseling will help him to understand that the issue isn't all in your head.

[Pinklemonade]

Maybe she doesn't want to have sex with you because you put so much pressure on the situation that it ****es her off. If I were your wife I would be so nervous that even if I did have sex with you you'd hate it because you're making such a big deal about it. I'd worry you'd think I was bad in bed and it would prevent me from ever becoming aroused by you. I would feel so ****ing mad and hurt and rejected that you won't chill out and accept me as I am and respect the way I work and not brag about having opportunities to cheat. I do not applaud you for resisting temptation, I think being faithful to your wife is an absolute given.

[Stillness]

Whoa! Be nice.

Sex is a big deal in a marriage, especially if you're not getting it over long periods of time. It can drive a person crazy. Some might consider denying your mate intimacy a form of unfaithfulness. I do.

Also, I didn't get the feeling that he was bragging. Someone asked him a question about cheating and he answered.