[lizzardb63]

There are just so many different aspects to this topic. Perhaps her lack of intimacy or libido is out of her control both physically and mentally. Maybe she WANTS to be intimate, but doesn't know how to put her feelings aside, or maybe she doesn't know how to work through them. I struggle with that sometimes when my husband asks and I turn him down...I ask myself "Why can't I just enjoy it and have fun? what is wrong with me"...Then we end up having sex, but since my mind and heart isn't into it, it's not as fulfilling and he knows it too. In my personal situation, it doesn't have anything to do with him, but more about my own self image and my own issues. Maybe I see it this way because I can somewhat understand how it feels to be on her end and the guilt it causes. I feel guilty when my husband is upset we don't have sex which only adds to the stress that's already causing my libido to disappear in the first place. Neither ends are fun to be at.

[Justice]

If I knew my husband was going to leave me or cheat because I wasn't in the mood, I'd have a hard time ever getting back to wanting to sleep with him again. Trust is broken at that point, because if you ever have to question it, that's squishing any intimacy there ever was.

This is just my personal opinion on it though and she may not feel that same way, but if my husband said "If you don't start having more sex with me then I will leave you or cheat" then I would say "see ya later" because that just sounds like a control thing. I understand you want to be happy, but it comes down to have sex or I leave? I don't blame her.

But if you have been reading JonDoe's posts it does not sound like just a control thing at all (on his part at least).

When you write I understand you want to be happy, but BUT? Really it is not like he has not tried and it is not like she is in pain, ill or incapacitated (as a reason for not having sex) and from what he has written it is not like he is asking her for something that she finds unappealing (like some don't like oral or anal or bondage). If this was what they agreed to going in that is also a different matter


I see that sp346 made similar points and better than I.

[rcoreyus]

This situation is really bad for both people. Being turned down for sex regularly is devastating so someone's sense of self-worth. Being constantly harassed for sex makes someone feel like a sex object. Everything the more sexual partner does is seen as a bribe for sex. Everything the less sexual partner does is seen as trying to make up for their not providing sex. Every touch or kiss starts to seem a molestation to one, and a frustrating tease to the other.

These strains cause all other forms of intimacy to disappear, and a loving relationship turns into a dark morass of resentment. Since often these situations don't get better, my advice is for the more sexual person to leave. Not threaten to leave, but just leave. Both will be happier afterwards.

[Stillness]

if my husband said "If you don't start having more sex with me then I will leave you or cheat" then I would say "see ya later" because that just sounds like a control thing. I understand you want to be happy, but it comes down to have sex or I leave? I don't blame her.

This comment stirs up anger in me because it reflects the seeming catch-22 that is a marriage stuck in a sexual rut. But it shows that threatening is not the way. Neither is leaving. It's a "nuclear option" that doesn't leave any winners. The threatened mate will either call you on your threat and say "good-bye" or if they have a strong desire to keep you will try to perform under fear. In either case, it's a failure because you don't get what you want and you possibly bailed on something you vowed to stick to for better or worse.

It only seems like a catch-22, though. The winning way, in my opinion, is communicating through your words and your actions that you love them and you're committed to sticking with them, but that your marriage is malfunctioning on a deep level that needs to be fixed urgently because you're suffering. That puts the pressure on and gives them a reason to react, but it makes it positive because it's building with and helping someone valuable that loves them. It's not putting them in an emotional "fight or flight" type of situation. It's all secure. That gives your marriage a safe environment in which to grow and adjust.

The problem is that it's difficult to do, because it can take a lot of time all while your loins and your heart are burning. It also requires brainpower while you're hornier than a two-**ed billy goat.

One of the hurdles I had to get over was a history of failure. Both my wife's and my parents divorced and had rocky marriages. Other men in my wife's life had used her. Some of the things I was doing and saying made it appear to her that I was a part of that pattern. The only way to combat that was and is time. Time during which we may do stupid stuff, bad things may happen, and other people may come and go out of our lives, but as long as we draw breath I am showing her that I'm for us. It's not just for the good times.

Both of us had to learn what marriage is, not in principle or in the Bible or in fairy tales, but by making one. I don't understand it all and am still trying to figure it out. I will say that I'm experiencing a much greater proportion of "marital bliss" now than ever before, so I think we’re on to something.

[lizzardb63]

I'm not saying the least bit that you just have to continue being unhappy. I feel for both sides, but I feel on a forum like this, we only hear one side of the story and I just try to put myself in BOTH situations before replying. THings can be very deceptive in a place like this and no one here really knows what lead up to her feeling the way she does. Just as Stillness said, perhaps there's something going on that's triggering past emotions.

[Lady Syrinx]

Corey,

As I said, my situation was completely different from Jon's. My extremely low to non-existent sex drive was initially caused by anti-depressants, Lexapro in particular. I'd been on anti-depressants prior to this, so we knew there might be some loss of libido and/or response. However, we didn't realize how extensive the loss would be with this particular med. I'd say say it killed about 90% of my response. My theory is that once I stopped having any appreciable response my desire dropped. You don't want it if you're not getting a release. Whatever had been left was eventually destroyed by listening to my husband blame himself for our problems. Things like "I must be a horrible lover." or "I guess I'm not big enough." among others. My MD refused to listen to my complaints regarding our sex life and categorically refused to change my meds. Obviously he had a God complex. This whole situation ended when got horribly depressed and ended up in the hospital. I found a female psychiatrist who actually listened to me. Ultimately, she put me on two anti-depressants which have no or limited sexual side-effects.

In my heart, I never lost the desire to connect with my husband physically or emotionally. I described it to him this my libido was locked up inside me by the meds. My husband realized that he was never to blame because as soon as the meds changed so did my libido. When our sex life recovered so did our marriage. When our sex life floundering we lost all sense intimacy. We could be in the same room but feel a profound sense of loneliness. That's why I see the obvious link between sexual intimacy and general intimacy in a marriage

[catwoman]

Lady Syrinx, can I ask which medications you're on? I am on Wellbutrin XL 300 mg which shouldn't have any sexual side effects, but I have a much lower libido than my husband. I just feel like unable to get horny and it's NOTHING he does. I'm very attracted to my husband, but it's just like there's something holding the "off button" down. As you described.

[Lady Syrinx]

Catwoman,

I'm on Welbutrin (don't recall if it's standard or XL) and Remeron (aka: Mirtzapine). Initially, the Remeron was prescribed to combat the loss of libidio due to Zoloft. I had suggested it in the hospital becaus I'd had success with it in the past. After about a year I chose to try Welbutrin to help with my AD/HD.

[catwoman]

Okay thanks! I'll just have to keep working at it

[Lady Syrinx]

Okay thanks! I'll just have to keep working at it

Try Gingko Biloba . I know that there is no real proof of the efficacy of herbal supplements. Here's my anecdotal evidence. About 2 1/2-3 years ago shortly after I started taking Zoloft and Remeron, I began to take Gingko to helpwith the memory ad focus issues related to my AD/HD. About the same time my libido went up. My libido is now equal to or slightly lower than my husband's and I have a much easier time reaching orgasm. This was not the be, end all explanation for me. I think it's one of many factors that came together at the right time. I don't know how much of this can be attributed to placebo effect since I didn't do my research until about a year or so after I started taking it. But giving it shot couldn't hurt.