[rcoreyus]

This isn't quite the question you asked, but maybe I'll answer a part of it. I'm a man whose been married for >20 years now. I haven't cheated, and don't think I will, but have certainly thought of it.

My wife seems to have lost interest in me - in bed and out of it. I do everything I can for her - including little romantic things like sending her flowers at work, going out to nice places to eat, traveling to romantic destinations. I think she likes me well enough, but there just isn't that spark. (for me there is - on those rare occasions when she seems honestly happy with me).

I've run into women who have been attracted to me. Its so tempting - the excitement of being with someone who is actually attracted to me, who doesn't take me for granted. Someone who is surprised and happy if I do them a little favor.

I think some relationships may never lose that "spark", but most do. Maybe some never had it to begin with. As time goes on you miss it - and wonder if it ever existed. Maybe want to experience it just one more time before you die.

[Tabby]

Well, we are all destined to die, as it is the cycle of life. I wouldn't want to leave behind a legacy of cheating on my spouse, or be known as a person who destroyed another person's heart because of my selfish need to experience another spark in my life.

I don't know. Once you are on the receiving end of what cheating does to you, you come to understand how damaging it is.

I asked my ex repeatedly, WHY didn't you just leave me first, THEN go have your fun?

It was not a matter of my ex not getting his needs fulfilled. He claimed he cheated because he wanted to see what it was like. He said he was curious about the woman.

But all the while, we were having sex nearly every night. Flirting and having fun. We were the couple that people said would never break up. We had that spark, you speak of. Then he went and made a choice that was detrimental to the relationship. And it was beyond repair. I tried for 3 years to stick it out, and I could never ever get beyond his cheating. Not after therapy, nothing. When we split up, people were in total shock. No one could believe it.

Oh and I'm one of those wives who gives bj's. So, I'll never figure out why he chose to mess it alllllll up.

The saddest thing here now is, he has lost the respect of his now grown children.

[rcoreyus]

If he was getting love at home (I don't just mean physical), then I don't know why he would have cheated either - maybe there is not explanation. Maybe he really was "curious", curiosity can turn into a real compulsion.

It is tough for me to really understand these discussions because I react differently from most people to cheating. I think my wife might have cheated in the past - but it really doesn't matter to me either way.

[C]

Here's the million dollar question that I have always wanted an answer to for many years:

Why....does the other woman choose to stay with the man who is taken, married, or has children when she knows that by being with him, she is literally helping in destroying another woman, breaking her heart, her home, and breaking up her family?

My ex cheated on me in 1994. And you know what? It totally destroyed my heart. I still cannot trust the person I'm with now. Part of me has never healed from it and I don't think the thousands of dollars in therapy will make the pain go away either.

She could be staying because she is lonely. She has no man and he gives her the comfort that she needs...She may know that he will never be her's but she is willing to sacrifice the fact that he will never be free for the excitement of the next visit...This represents happiness and everyone in life wants to be able to live with hope of a happier tomorrow.

The female species needs love..It does not matter if the male animal belongs to another. All they know is that they are in heat for that man and the longer they know him the less the rules of life apply to him...They may apply to everyone else, but not to them...She will imagine in her mind that he is trapped in this marriage. He really does not love his wife and is staying with her only because of conveniece and of the children. This makes it easier for her to accept what she is doing because deep within she knows that she is wrong, but she must convince herself that something wrong is something right....and with very little work, she does this.....She does not think of this as a normal affair because they are different...They are madly in love...His marriage never should have been...She does not think of this affair ever being found out but of only the sexual joy and happiness that he brings her....He is making her a woman and making the birds twirp louder and each day not as dismal as it might have been.

So by doing this, she can forget about a marriage vow that he made, forget about children that he might have and forget that he belongs to another....For you see.....for those stolen moments in time....he belongs to her and her alone....and she is satisfied with this tiny piece of her world......Take care, Caroline

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I am a mistress. I am having an affair with a married man. I do not love him, although I adore him..I will not allow myself to love him. I do not believe in "playing in others backyards" however, I could not resist..we developed a friendship that lasted for a year before we were intimate and I do adore his friendship. However..there is something very important to remember... once a mistress always a mistress. I value my independence greatly and my situation is perfect for me...but I would NEVER want him to leave his wife. She offers him a life of stability that I would never be able to offer my friend.

I disagree, "once a mistress always a mistress" most of what i have read here, trust me the hurt involved, they would never think of doing it again...

And, like you most could not "resist"

I feel so sad for these women who think that these men will actually ever leave thier wives. He is using you. Using you to fulfill a void he is not receiving from the woman hes chosen to spend his entire life with..it may be physical, it may be intellectual, it may be because you laugh at his jokes and she no longer does. It may be the excitement of knowing he can have his cake and eat it too.

It has happened, but are you also not "using" to fulfill a void, you have not found "what you are looking for" and therefore, this is an easy way for you to "have your cake and eat it too"... No commitment, your rules and he has to play by them.

I have never played with anyone elses husband. We talk often of his wife and his children and the stressors he is going through at home. And he listens to me and my hopes and my fears and my silly stressors. He is 16 years older than myself. (Me 30 him 46). When we were moving towards being intimate I laid down several ground rules....firstly, he needed to understand I would not be at his beckon call as I am a single attractive woman and I would continue to date. Secondly, we would never spend the night together. He would always go home to his wife. Thirdly, I would walk away when I saw fit.

But would you not? If he walked away and you still had not found what you are looking for? Is this not where "once a mistress always a mistress " until you find, may happen?

You are simply the "agressor in this particular "relationship' of mistress. What you are repling to are the women who have experienced the "agressor male".

That is what I enjoy about my relationship with him. He is using me and I am using him as well. He adores me, he showers me with compliments, he laughs at all my jokes, and makes me feel **** sexy. I have not yet found my Mr. Right..but until then..the attention that he gives me is fine for me for now.

Point taken you went in knowing what you were doing and told him so, it is a different scenario you had an agenda, they didn't. Until, of course you find " Mr Right"... So, he's "fine" for now as are/were these women....

I would never in a million years want him or expect him to leave the mother of his children. She is in many ways what I will never be..she is his wife. I am merely his concubine....


IF you are seeing a married man..you must understand, that is all you will ever be..his concubine. Then perhaps, you can spare yourself a great deal of heartache later on...

Too hard for them to see that, they are not in your shoes of why they started.

Its a dangerous and morally wrong game we mistresses are playing. You must protect yourself and fully understand that even if he did leave his wife...he would cheat on you as well.

It's life. And you are totally correct on the last bit.

I feel so sad for those women who have allowed themselves to be hurt by thier affairs with married men. Its a very dangerous game and one you must enter into with full armor....

Because you know what your doing, and why your doing it, they do not, they needed something more than just a "fling" until they found.... They want badly of what they are missing and he just spoke the "right words at the right time" Charisma and all that jazz..... They therefore can't enter like you did, with full armor... they are not on the same journey.

I wish you all the best in healing.

Having said all of that, i commend you on your post as you tell it from your side.

I also agree with Rcoreyus in as much as who knows why people do what they do it can not be judged somehow, accept and keep a balance preferably if it was short and almost un-noticed i don't think i would agree if it was "long lasting".

And, i commend people that keep trying and trying and hoping, but i also know that i as a person am important as well and it is my life as well, sometimes, it's a case of when it's broken, it's broken...

Personally, therefore, i have to move on, that's my call no one elses, but it is a nice feeling to know that i may very well find all those satisfactions or close to it, instead of "till death do us part", i couldn't fathom, dying later and wanting all that time but not receiving if i have tried every trick under the book.

40 is young, 50 is young, okay Caroline 70 is young, but that's a fact, it is and can be....

Interesting post kiliking07, truly i am only trying to have you see i see where you are, but not are all thinking the way you do and they cannot therefore be where you are in this..... in thoughts.

CW

[suesue]

Men being repeat cheaters

Repeater cheaters seem to love to get women emotionally involved through their trickery.....

Repeat cheaters seem to think it's kinda like a fun game.....

Repeat cheaters somehow think they are entitled because they are so darn good at cheating......

Repeat cheaters will stike again and show no mercy.......

RUN, RUN, RUN , FAST AWAY, AS FAST AS YOU CAN, AND DON'T EVER LOOK BACK. HE'S PROBABLY STILL GOOD LOOKING, STILL WHATEVER....STILL ON THE HUNT AND STILL LYING

[suesue]

Think, think, think

I like what I posted yesterday, and today I would like to add a little clarity to the subject.

Sometimes, and I am talking about the hard-core repeat cheater types, guys who cheat no matter who they are with....

It's about men holding old resentments and carrying emotional pain. My theory is that some men cheat because they haven't forgiven themselves or some woman or maybe a parent from their past for old hurts that was inflicted upon them and never resolved.They stuff their pain and it manifests into resentment and disrespect to woman.....so they cheat for the power, thrill, and fun of it. Gets them high, turns them on, and gets those endorphins going. The new hurt people hurt people theory. But, and big buts don't lie----that's no excuse. If a man hasn't resolved it by the time he meets you, you'd better think about how he is setting you up for hurt and RUN, RUN, RUN.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Well that's a good theory.....repeated (man) cheaters

For sure i agree that some do it as they were hurt and this is the way they deal with it, as they believe therefore "all women" are the same and can't get past that obstacle that in fact they are not...

Some i think, because they have no respect for women what so ever, they want the woman to be there, as their mother was and in bed when they want, but want "their cake and eat it to".. Some in fact were bought up that way, the woman stays home, has your children pleases you, cooks for you, cleans for you, but you be a MAN and take who ever you want when ever you want... It's manly....

And, then there are those whom are just not the marrying kind, or committed type, they don't want to lose their partner, that's the partner they chose but they want their freedom as well to do what they want still as they can't commit. They prefer to live in their past and not present and don't look at the future, or consequences.

And, lastly, done it once, got away with it, was great, let's go for number two, mmm, why not add another one in i can do that, greed....

I prefer the ones who have never thought of it, or have thought of it be would never do it.

I'm a great believer that you have to 'walk' first before you even go there......

Your going to hurt the guy anyway by saying it's over, no point double hurting him

CW

[C]

Seeing my husband came from a family life where there was no respect for the woman, I am at odds with some things that have been said...Needless to say, his respect for me would have the highest marks that could be given to a man. But then I am prejudice.....

I guess I will go with the little boy that never grew up...Doesn't want to grow up...That would make him old and he wants to be eternally young...He feels that he is near perfect...He is the Lothario and being this stallion he is constantly able to round up his mares......Woman was made for man and this is his thinking.....This proves his stellar and shows him that he has still got the sexual charm that it takes...He is still the stud...Top guy on campus....I believe this type of man thinks of only himself...He does not know what love is....He only knows what sexual gratification is...Not sexual satisfaction but gratification and for him only......He can love them and leave them because there are always more mares in the pasture waiting for the stallion to come along and mate them....So he cheats....Once it has been done it is easy......No feelings either way.....This goes for the wife and family at home or the babe that he is now sleeping with.....He feels that he is one of the chosen few and since he truly does not know what love is, he has neither sorrow nor shame....He has one thing.....Lust.....Conquer and to be able to say mirror, mirror on the wall......I am still the fairest of them all......And in his mind he is.....Just my thoughts....TC, C

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Caroline
He feels that he is one of the chosen few and since he truly does not know what love is, he has neither sorrow nor shame....He has one thing.....Lust.....Conquer and to be able to say mirror, mirror on the wall......I am still the fairest of them all......And in his mind he is..

That's brilliant Caroline, "since he does not know what love it"....

Chandlers Wish
Some i think, because they have no respect for women what so ever, they want the woman to be there, as their mother was and in bed when they want, but want "their cake and eat it to".. Some in fact were bought up that way, the woman stays home, has your children pleases you, cooks for you, cleans for you, but you be a MAN and take who ever you want when ever you want... It's manly....

I guess what i was trying to say there, that my first boyfriend was Greek and not that i'm saying it's all greeks, hense why i didn't go into it, but that is the way he was bought up, him and his brothers and in their circle a few other's that i recall.

He was bought up "not to respect" a woman, give her attention, have feelings for her of course, but never forget you "the man" so do what you want, she will have to wear it... Guess that's why i didn't marry that one hey!

Not from a family point of view of nil respect, well then again, this was stated to him by his mother and his brother's and father did that they wanted as well, so, it is a reason, as that was his and his families reason... YOU JUST DO~

We met at 17, i was quite shocked to be honest but alas, i was in love, first love, so i accepted, (sort of) told a couple of girls to back of, or told them that seeing as he stays with me........ why is that?... always wondering the next time if there was one that she slept with my then boyfriend, whether she would feel inadequate...

Mmm, older wise i feel... that goodness....

CW