[Texinator]

I'm a to her after all, remember!

Did a naughty word get censored?

And if you are something 'dirty' to her than this could very well be a part of that mental block. You shouldn't have to learn to become aroused and fantasize.. sure, you can refine your skills with time, but getting horny is usually something that happens by itself. That's why I keep saying that something in your mind is blocking you. It's not a lack of experience or a lack of a boyfriend.

[Amber]

I used the s word but I'll use tramp instead.

She is so far playing the game like nothing happened. I'll play that game also. I hope it stays that way.


I don't feel like a tramp when I'm trying. I'm positive on that. My problem is I can't keep a fantasy going. Just saying he is touching me or kissing me all over doesn't do anything for me. Maybe because I can't really "feel" it. I can't remember what it felt like because when it had happened, I was too nervous to savor the feeling. The only thing I can remember is the light touching but that feeling is not enough to get me horny. And I can't touch myself and hold the vibrator good enough with just one hand. And I know nothing happens without that vibrator.

I had some strong feelings like I usually get last night and it was when my fantasy was going ok but it died pretty fast because there wasn't much of a fantasy going. I know a good part of it is that I'm not being turned on. I'm positive of this. This may not be all of it but it is some of it. Comfort is another that ends up disturbing me. If there is a third piece, I don't know what that is just yet.

I think the only chance, other than a guy, is reading some more books so I can build my own fantasy. I just hope it is enough since I have no real pleasurable experience to remember to help me get there.

[Amber]

I got part of my results for the ultrasound but not all of it. I'll tell you what I found out so far in my blog.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I wonder if you need a "new" fantasy.

The "old" one, didn't have enough substance in it, so you can't recall alot of it, but finding someone a movie star maybe for now, that you attracted to and start fantasizing about him instead, may be healthy for you as well... as it will help you move forward

CW

[Amber]

I wonder if you need a "new" fantasy.

The "old" one, didn't have enough substance in it, so you can't recall alot of it, but finding someone a movie star maybe for now, that you attracted to and start fantasizing about him instead, may be healthy for you as well... as it will help you move forward

CW

Strangely enough I'm not use to fantasizing so it doesn't come natural for me. I definitely need a new fantasy but I think it may take a little work to come up with one. That is why I have been reading the erotic romance stories. I was hoping if I read enough of them, it can help me create my own fantasy. And something I can just keep going with. I guess I'm not that creative. I could easily use a movie star but what my fantasy exactly entails is what I have to come up with.

[Amber]

I never use to be like that. I use to always read romance books and watch chick flicks. I stopped around the time that I had my first foot surgery. I started to give up on ever finding that guy and it only depressed me to watch chick flicks. So I started to watch action movies and mystery movies and by watching them, it got me into reading mystery/crime books. i gave up fantasizing about the man of my dreams because it just got too depressing.

Once I started the single events, I didn't start to read the romance books again because mystery books are more interesting, same with the movies. But I'm finding it is time to start fantasizing again. But I'm all dried up in that area so it is going to take some practice.

[Amber]

Finally picked up that book last night that the sex therapist suggested. I think it is called Being Orgasmic. I don't have in front of my right now. I just got through the first chapter, well the part that discusses without a partner. I wasn't about to depress myself by reading the part that discussed what to do with a partner. But the second chapter, through the eighth chapter dedicates to yourself only and then something like ninth to 14 is with a partner. So I'm glad it is not combined. Chapter 1 was sort of like an introduction of the book and from what it read, the book seems to work on getting to know your body but also yourself emotionally.

They have exercises and questions to do and suggest to work on one chapter per week. It should be interesting to see what works and what road blocks I might come up with. They were saying something like if some exercise makes you feel uncomfortable, there must be a reason for that and to try to analize why. Something like that.

When I was reading in the book about analyzing myself, just the thought of it made my chest tightened. I have a feeling some of that is going to definitely make me feel uncomfortable.

[WildChild]

Sounds like you are becomming more aware of your responses and reactions.

[Amber]

Sounds like you are becomming more aware of your responses and reactions.

I guess I am starting to. But I find myself looking for signs of arousal instead of just focusing on some fantasy or such and that is not a good thing. So in case I shouldn't be doing it.

[Amber]

Remember that guy who emailed me and then stopped when I told him I wasn't ready to date or anything. Well, he emailed me yesterday for the first time in a long while. He said that the Patriots are going down and go Colts. I emailed him back asking him if he once lived in Indianapolis or if he is a traitor? I did put a next to it but still, I meant it. If he lived in Indianapolis then I can easily see that he is staying with his home town team. But if he always lived in New England, I don't see why he should pick the Colts over the Patriots. He knows I'm a big Patriots fan so if this is a joke, I'm not getting it. Don't diss my guys. I'm a loyal fan.

He hadn't emailed me back yet. I wonder if he realized his mistake when I used the word traitor. If he thought I was being too serious, then definitely stick him!