[Hopeless Dork]

Its just such a hard thing because there is no reason for them to need or want that stuff in any way that isn't insulting to their significant other... I can think of no excuse or reason for the need of it that doesn't in some way put her down. Whether its the need for variety, the need to be turned on by something she isn't, boredom with her, feeling unsatisfied with her offerings etc... none of those reasons give a chick a real warm fuzzy feeling about her guy.

A lot of women say they don't care, and some genuinly don't.. some don't care because they just feel defeated by it, feel there is no man they'd ever be 'enough' for and take it with a 'meh, thats just guys, it hurts me but I deal' mentality. Some because they have zero sexual interest in their partner and see's their porn usage as a get out of sex with them free card, some pretend to like it because they think it makes them ' the cool, not so stuffy gf' ... like "hey baby did you see the rack on her??? look at me I am soOOOO secure" and others really are that confident, dont feel bad about their guy looking at stuff and it doesn't faze them in the least.


But I have racked my brain to come up with any cause a guy in a relationshp that gets lots of sex, with a girl they think is hot would have have a desire to look at other chicks naked that they'd go so far out of their way to catch a glimpse that doesn't make it reflect poorly on how they feel about their partner.

I have asked my guy til I'm blue in the face if its none of those things what is it? And he never has answer. It just is. They like to throw in, well I wouldnt be mad if you just looked... but just looking doesn't do it for a lot of females... many of us get off on being the ones looked AT... not looking at something esle. The only equalizer that would be suitable is letting other men look at ME the way he looks at other girls pics and yeah, that suggestion doesn't fly very well.

For me, for the most part I am able to still be with him and love him as long as I don't think about it... but when I think about his whole pfft I'm a man i need to see every other woman naked attitude I have one foot hanging out the door.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I wonder if the men that view porn and are faithful to their partner, see it as a way to avoid cheating, they still have a batchelor tendancy, still enjoy that visual of "different" women in their life..

I hope not, just a thought..

I do see that if you ask for it not to occur, you don't like it, then they should respect that...

I'm with Mes, I'm lucky it's not a turn on, .....

Emotionally cheating? If it's extensive, then it's not a good thing and no one deserves to be on the other end...

I'd probably have to say yes it is in away.

[hizenberg]

hopeless dork i agree with you on the issue that how it makes me listen more to what other men say about me,i dont act and cheat but i do listen thats for sure. that is how i felt with my ex.I thought it was just me who felt like that.

[hizenberg]

it is so easy to feel like how hopleless dork descibed, your guy can be the most perfect man (well no one is but they sure sre close) that you have ever been with,treat you so well.But when this happens its like somtimes a kick in the guts emotionalley,
because that man who loves and treats us so well is oogling and whooing over another girls breasts and . Seeing that look in their eye, the same look they once had for you only ,it seemed, is now at some naked girl,or the girl that is in the middle of the ten guys in the 'movie'?? Whos to say the totalley confident women who feels secure about her physical looks,also gets upset by her man being 'a man' as society puts it??
I don't think it is acceptable, for men say they are visual creatures and that its 'ok' to do it. I just cant stand the thought of it being ok, and yeah so what if we let other men 'look' at our bodys the way they do??
It would be 'stooping' to his low,and it seems the options we have left are to
1, let it go.Be defeated, they win, and contine swallowing the hurt we feel each time a 'hustler' is found in the back of the cupboard,or a porn site is found in the favourites toolbar on the computer.Losing a little more feeling for them.
2,cry till the cows come home,keep going around and around talking till our face turns blue on the effect it iscausing in our relationship with them,then when all is said and done and feel the issue is finalley where it should be,BAM on the credit card bill is 'another porn site'.

3,go out and post a pic of us,stoop so so low or worse...cheat.And that makes you worse off and when you breakup,they still have there fav 'hustler' issue or pornsite waiting for them.

[PandaPaws]

The more and more I deal with this issue in my own relationship... the more detached I feel from my boyfriend. Everytime I see he's been looking up pictures of other naked chicks.. a part of what I felt for him just seems to slip away from me. I use to get me feelings hurt, feel bad about myself, wonder if I was good enough and try to get him to explain to me how I could be good enough if he needs to look at other girls for sexual visual stimulation. My only reasons I can come up with is he's bored with what he has, he doesn't appreciate what he has, or feels entitled to more than I am.

I've asked him time and again to explain how its none of those things, which he always says its not, but his failure to be to able to come up with 'what it is' if he is so clear on whats its not.. leaves me with my suspicions of him just wanting more than he has in tact.

I love my boyfriend very much, I'm faithful to my core.. but every time I see he's been looking up pictures of other girls I get an instinctual gut reaction that makes me feel like I should NOT be faithful anymore, though I've yet to act on it. He knows I get my feelings hurt about it... especially when I do everything under the sun for him sexually. There is never a boner that isn't addressed in a satisfactory way, theres no act I refuse to perform, I give him plenty of visual 'materials' of me, from pictures to videos to live performances he can recall on when he needs some inspiration -- but alas none of that seems to be 'good enough' because he will still occasionally look at other girls pictures.

Before when guys would flirt with me, hit on me, check me out... It would go in one ear and out the other.. I could careless. But when I've seen that my guy is needing more than me it puts me in an insecure state where in all honesty I pay a lot more attention to the guys paying attention to me because of a need he has created in me to feel validated for my appeal.

I can't be the only one that feels like that. And when I hear a man complain about his wife/gf cheating on him.. I hate to blame the victim , but I often wonder if he gave her the kind of attention that most women need to feel special. If he was too busy talking about how hot megan fox is to notice and appreciate the beautiful woman that loved him, if he was too stupid to realize how awful he made that beautiful woman feel.

Cheating is never okay, not in my mind. And I would never do it. I'd break up my relationship before I ever took it there. But when I look at my boyfriends phone and see some other girls naked picture.. a part of my feelings for him go out the window. Its a good thing my feelings are so strong or they would have washed out entirely months ago.

I've been honest with him, about how it effects me.. and he can see the results in my behavior. I use to bend over backwards for him, would do anything I could to make him feel special... and I do less and less of that.. I'm just pulling back naturally , its not even a matter of me pushing myself to do less... I just have less and less of a desire to make him feel good everytime he makes me feel bad.

We have a perfect relationship in all aspects other than his occasional need to look at other naked chicks. He can't believe I could let something so silly threaten our relationship.. and I can't believe he could let something so silly threaten our relationship either.

I agree with this very much. (Although, I will not have anal sex til marriage, so I don't do everything!)

Its just such a hard thing because there is no reason for them to need or want that stuff in any way that isn't insulting to their significant other... I can think of no excuse or reason for the need of it that doesn't in some way put her down. Whether its the need for variety, the need to be turned on by something she isn't, boredom with her, feeling unsatisfied with her offerings etc... none of those reasons give a chick a real warm fuzzy feeling about her guy.

A lot of women say they don't care, and some genuinly don't.. some don't care because they just feel defeated by it, feel there is no man they'd ever be 'enough' for and take it with a 'meh, thats just guys, it hurts me but I deal' mentality. Some because they have zero sexual interest in their partner and see's their porn usage as a get out of sex with them free card, some pretend to like it because they think it makes them ' the cool, not so stuffy gf' ... like "hey baby did you see the rack on her??? look at me I am soOOOO secure" and others really are that confident, dont feel bad about their guy looking at stuff and it doesn't faze them in the least.


But I have racked my brain to come up with any cause a guy in a relationshp that gets lots of sex, with a girl they think is hot would have have a desire to look at other chicks naked that they'd go so far out of their way to catch a glimpse that doesn't make it reflect poorly on how they feel about their partner.

I have asked my guy til I'm blue in the face if its none of those things what is it? And he never has answer. It just is. They like to throw in, well I wouldnt be mad if you just looked... but just looking doesn't do it for a lot of females... many of us get off on being the ones looked AT... not looking at something esle. The only equalizer that would be suitable is letting other men look at ME the way he looks at other girls pics and yeah, that suggestion doesn't fly very well.

For me, for the most part I am able to still be with him and love him as long as I don't think about it... but when I think about his whole pfft I'm a man i need to see every other woman naked attitude I have one foot hanging out the door.

And this.

And yeah, I think it's total BS that women are like, "oh yeah, I don't care" for just the reasons you stated above.

You always have such a way with words, HD.

[snuffie]

I think society and the media has created a divide between reality and fiction and therefore a seperation between physical and emotional infedelity. Sex sells and these images either internet, phone or tv are not physical cheating, but in my opinion it is emotional cheating. Fantasies and fictious relationships are created! They have tried to make the use of porn acceptable in relationship as its fictious and emotional and that a person either male or female is unreasonable when they become upset by this. I feel it is unacceptable but a single episode of this would not be enough to end a relationship I believed in, my issue was my ex having imagines of a female friend of his and exchanging messages graphic, he said nothing happened so its ok??? Not in my book!

[stressed]

Sex sells, therefore it has turned into a product. On the one hand we have women who are against porn, but on the other we have MANY women who act in porn. They go for easy money, they have no respect for themselves or their bodies, they don't care for anything but money and attention. If we could at least EDUCATE these women, then porn wouldn't be as successful because no woman would want to take part in it. But just look at how many women choose modeling/fame/money over education and a real job. How many women focus on their looks, on how to use their sexuality to take advantage of men, who are the ones with the power and money. And then we have those men who act like sheep, who believe that the more naked women they see the more men they are. Because that's how they were raised. Anyone telling the opposite to such a man is considered "absurd", because "that's how men are". BS.

I watched porn as single and didn't mind my boyfriends watching it in the past. But the thing is, we didn't live together. We had sex every time we met. Even when they watched I just approached it as a way of dealing with sexual stress since I was doing the same. Then my ex found porn on my computer and he wasn't happy about it, he thought I wanted more. This makes me think that he didn't watch porn himself, but then again it wouldn't matter either way. He always made me feel wanted in that sense, I truly felt I was all he physically needed.

But with my current SO, the one I'm living with, I cannot tolerate porn anymore and he quit about a year ago. It was because he spent more time with porn than me and because he'd masturbate frequently but we wouldn't have sex for months and weeks. He gave me all the typical arguments: all men do it, it's normal, I am controlling, I am crazy, it's not about me. But I couldn't care less. After a year of living together and him watching porn I asked him to try and quit it. That if it made him unhappy or if he missed it we could talk about it again, but I needed him to stop for a while. A year later he'd tell me from time to time that he doesn't miss it, that it used to cross his mind every time I wasn't home but it doesn't anymore. That he's happy I feel better about it because he doesn't want to do anything that would hurt me. Does he still watch? I doubt it, he has changed a lot since then and I do everything he wants me to do, which I equally enjoy. He masturbates without porn and I am fine with that. I'm not sure if I'd ever be able to accept porn in this relationship, not with this man at least.

I think porn is just a hobby to most men. They were raised with it, they were told that men are visual, women are emotional, so that makes it okay. They don't considering cheating. As for the environment being full of naked women, yes, it is, but men don't have to intentionally seek them. They don't have to go to a shack on the mountain or not look at beautiful women who cross the street. What they can do is not seek beautiful women to get an erection while their own woman is not at home. If it is so normal then whey don't they dare do that in front of their women? Maybe because it's unnatural to live with someone and get an erection from someone else?

Like HD said, men like to look and women like to be looked at. When you are in love with someone you consider attractive then this solves the issue. One can get to look as much as he wants and the other enjoys being looked at. They are both happy this way. There are women who don't mind porn, but there are also men who don't watch porn. What matters is that both have the same views on it and understand what the other needs, instead of turning to arguments of the sort "all men do it" or "my ex didn't mind, she watched too".

[tesoro]

Dear Hopeless Dork

[QUOTE]

The more and more I deal with this issue in my own relationship... the more detached I feel from my boyfriend. Everytime I see he's been looking up pictures of other naked chicks.. a part of what I felt for him just seems to slip away from me. I use to get me feelings hurt, feel bad about myself, wonder if I was good enough and try to get him to explain to me how I could be good enough if he needs to look at other girls for sexual visual stimulation. My only reasons I can come up with is he's bored with what he has, he doesn't appreciate what he has, or feels entitled to more than I am.

Feeling detached is not a good thing. I know - I became so detached that now I'm separated. My situation is not like yours though, so I hope you can work it out together because you sound so happy most of the time. I agree with you, men often take what they have for granted and yes, they do feel entitled to view porn because "everybody does it." That makes them feel it is normal, but really, I believe it's a type of addiction, like smoking. They can't help themselves once they get hooked. In your case, there is absolutely no reason for the porn because you have always been there to satisfy his needs....lucky man.

I love my boyfriend very much, I'm faithful to my core.. but every time I see he's been looking up pictures of other girls I get an instinctual gut reaction that makes me feel like I should NOT be faithful anymore, though I've yet to act on it. He knows I get my feelings hurt about it... especially when I do everything under the sun for him sexually. There is never a boner that isn't addressed in a satisfactory way, theres no act I refuse to perform, I give him plenty of visual 'materials' of me, from pictures to videos to live performances he can recall on when he needs some inspiration -- but alas none of that seems to be 'good enough' because he will still occasionally look at other girls pictures.

I too loved my man very much and was faithful to the core. Faithful to the point that even though he was my first, he was my only for over 20 years. That changed unfortunately when I did end up cheating. There are no excuses for it and I did hate myself for being so weak afterwards....but it happened. I allowed my ex to continue his obsessive fantasy in our bedroom. A fantasy where all he talked about each and every time we had sex was how he would love to watch me have sex with another man. Eventually, I became so detached and so angry that I believed he really didn't love me and I ended up doing just what he had described, but I did it behind his back. I think it was my way of getting back at him - a cowardly way for sure. I lacked the strength and the courage I needed at the time to find a healthy solution to the problem. Now I am separated and RELIEVED that I don't have to deal with this man in my bed anymore. Talk about the ultimate detachment....repulsion. I don't think you will get to that point but be careful because it can sneak up on you.

Before when guys would flirt with me, hit on me, check me out... It would go in one ear and out the other.. I could careless. But when I've seen that my guy is needing more than me it puts me in an insecure state where in all honesty I pay a lot more attention to the guys paying attention to me because of a need he has created in me to feel validated for my appeal.

I can't be the only one that feels like that. And when I hear a man complain about his wife/gf cheating on him.. I hate to blame the victim , but I often wonder if he gave her the kind of attention that most women need to feel special. If he was too busy talking about how hot megan fox is to notice and appreciate the beautiful woman that loved him, if he was too stupid to realize how awful he made that beautiful woman feel.

I agree with you. Women need to feel special and any man who fails to make his girl feel special is asking for trouble.

Cheating is never okay, not in my mind. And I would never do it. I'd break up my relationship before I ever took it there. But when I look at my boyfriends phone and see some other girls naked picture.. a part of my feelings for him go out the window. Its a good thing my feelings are so strong or they would have washed out entirely months ago.

I've been honest with him, about how it effects me.. and he can see the results in my behavior. I use to bend over backwards for him, would do anything I could to make him feel special... and I do less and less of that.. I'm just pulling back naturally , its not even a matter of me pushing myself to do less... I just have less and less of a desire to make him feel good everytime he makes me feel bad.

I absolutely agree with you and you need to make sure he understands how you feel. He may not be able to control himself however, it may be a compulsive habit. It sounds like he loves you very much and in his mind he has separated his love and lust for you from what he gets by looking at porn online.

[jns]

In relationships, men are generally more fragile, IMHO. I wonder if conditioning would work. Insist that porn be watched together and then not let him be alone with his thoughts. Make a number of comments about the physical attributes of the males in the porn, but not direct comparisons. Such as "he is hung well", or "he really knows how to use his assets", or "I love it when his veins stick out". If you are subtle enough, he will start to feel inadequate and will no longer want to view porn with you. Make him look at the other guy and feel inadequate every time he watches porn. Remember, originally he said that it's natural for guys to watch porn. Now he will have to change it to, it's natural for guys to watch porn, but alone, away from their SO. Or maybe, it's natural for guys to watch porn in stony silence. Many guys would quit, realizing that they have been outmaneuvered.

[PandaPaws]

Sex sells, therefore it has turned into a product. On the one hand we have women who are against porn, but on the other we have MANY women who act in porn. They go for easy money, they have no respect for themselves or their bodies, they don't care for anything but money and attention. If we could at least EDUCATE these women, then porn wouldn't be as successful because no woman would want to take part in it. But just look at how many women choose modeling/fame/money over education and a real job. How many women focus on their looks, on how to use their sexuality to take advantage of men, who are the ones with the power and money. And then we have those men who act like sheep, who believe that the more naked women they see the more men they are. Because that's how they were raised. Anyone telling the opposite to such a man is considered "absurd", because "that's how men are". BS.

Very true.

Insist that porn be watched together and then not let him be alone with his thoughts. Make a number of comments about the physical attributes of the males in the porn, but not direct comparisons. Such as "he is hung well", or "he really knows how to use his assets", or "I love it when his veins stick out". If you are subtle enough, he will start to feel inadequate and will no longer want to view porn with you. Make him look at the other guy and feel inadequate every time he watches porn.

I find this suggestion pretty hilarious. I like it though!