[atskitty2]

Well, I talked to him about his family and was rather surprised at his willingness to open up and chat about the whole thing. I think there's probably a lot more to the story, but I'm not even sure he knows all the reasons why they don't talk. Seems some religious issues and financial differences came into play. I think his answer was honest tho, and he offered up info willingly...
He did say he would like it to change and that it isn't because they're not important to him.

I was impressed quite honestly.

[jen1447]

Well that's encouraging. Keep us updated hon.

[Archer]

Ahhh...good old online dating.

First, let me say that from the first message, girls make it their sole mission to disqualify someone. I get it. It's a survival instinct; you want to protect your heart, and your pride, and it's easier to say you saw something coming, or "felt it in your gut" if something negative is eventually is found (which it will be). You want to avoid rejection by rejecting them first, etc.

Knowing this, that the more information I provide, it can actually do me MUCH more harm than good, I have gotten pretty good at hearing a woman's life story before I even tell her a shred of mine. Honestly, I just listen, ask the right questions, skillfully redirect (like your date wisely did), and I guide the conversation to where I want it to go. It's a little more suave than just saying "I don't know or trust you enough to go down that road."

What it all comes down to, is that I personally feel that there are certain things about me that people don't automatically just deserve to know. I reserve these things until I trust the person, and I think they have emotionally invested enough for me to know that my investment in them will be returned, that there will be a date 2+, etc.

I think women can sometimes forget, men have very different ways of expressing themselves, but we have just as many emotions and insecurities, we are all part of the same species. You may think he is being dishonest; he may think that you will judge him based on the 10% of the story that he is willing to share with you, not truly knowing the pain he goes through to even talk about that much of it.

Could be that a family member molested his child. Could be that his family feels entitled to his hard-earned entrepreneurial money, and is always hitting him up for it.

You never know. All I can say is to never assume that you are entitled to full disclosure right off the bat, and that anything less than that is dishonesty or shadiness. It takes me until I've been sleeping with someone, and see both of us on a level playing field, before I really open up about some of the deeper things...that's just me, but I'm sure most men are really looking for you to put yourself out there a great deal before you really get to turn our hearts inside out and have a look

[atskitty2]

I agree. And I certainly wasn't expecting a detailed explanation. But when anyone answers briefly and it doesn't line up with other info they already shared, yeah, it raises questions in my mind.
I would rather a man just say, "I'm not ready to share those details". To me that's more direct and I wouldn't be offended, because I do realize its really none of my business. I still really have no idea what is going on in his family, but he didn't blow me off like the first time. He spoke generally, no details but enough that I can believe him.

I do agree, sometimes it seems I'm ruling men out, rather than ruling in...disqualified, next. But, really, there are so few that "drop by" that are worthy of my efforts. It's sad, but it's true

[atskitty2]

Back for more advice-feedback...still seeing guy #1. Things just keep popping up that really make me wonder about this guy.
We were at his house, cuddling on the couch when someone knocked really loud on his front door. He got up, motioned with his hand to stay (like a dog, but not rudely) told me to stay put and came back 5 mins later. Probably 30 mins later he asked if I wanted to know what that was about. I said no, not my business to know who's at your door...unless it's something I need to know...he said OK and that was that.
Days later, I did half-jokingly ask if he was into drugs or something. He said no.
Last night we were walking in my neighborhood and he asked me what a building was, I told him that's ... high school, and reminded him he went to school there! Yes, he had told me he went to this Catholic high school for a year, but didn't recognize it. Wtf? (His siblings all graduated there, so it's less likely he was there a year and never saw it again) I said how do you not recognize that? He said he just isn't familiar with my 'hood. (In fairness, it was the back side of the building, and it was a little dark). But still...it seemed odd to me...and I feel like I'm always finding a qualifier like this for his inconsistencies.
Idk, all these little things keep adding up and I just wonder what the deal is.
If it was another girl at the door, OK. We certainly have no commitment, but he evidently knew who it was and what it was about, not thinking it was a kid selling candy...
I just don't know...and I have to say my ability to really discern what's concerning and what is just stuff is really dull. This dating business is truly puzzling to me this time around.

Pair these things with, or maybe because of these things, I'm finding myself less attracted to him physically.

Maybe I'm over thinking it all. Thoughts?

[jen1447]

Hm, I find more and more I want to approach this like a PI lol and I even asked the BF what he thought so now we are Veronica Mars-ing it. So if you don't mind that approach, first question is what time of day was the knocking thing?

[atskitty2]

It was mid to late afternoon I think-before dark.

There's other things too, that just make me think, we really aren't complimentary personalities. I'm a pretty independent girl. For instance, while we were making plans for last night, I told him I was on call until 8am today, and he said, a little perturbed, that I hadn't told him that before. I said, well, I am on call, & we're just making plans for tonight, so now it's pertinent info for you to know-I may get called away in the middle of our plans. He said, "well thanks for making time for me" but I wasn't sure if that was sarcasm or seriousness, and I didn't ask for clarification, which I probably should have.
And he's wanting to fix up things around my house, which is appreciated, but I told him that it's not his place to do that and I won't let him do it. Working on my home isn't his job or responsibility at this time.
So...there's a bit more...it's just all going way to fast for me...this has been what, 2-3 weeks?

Thoughts?

[atskitty2]

Oh, And the offers to fix up my home were the first time I allowed him to pick me up...just this week.

[Archer]

If it was another girl at the door, OK. We certainly have no commitment, but he evidently knew who it was and what it was about, not thinking it was a kid selling candy...

Ugh. You told him it didn't matter!! Why are you still holding it against him when he was more than happy to tell you and you declined!! You girls drive me nuts lol

Pair these things with, or maybe because of these things, I'm finding myself less attracted to him physically.

Yeah. You're on guard because, when given the opportunity to know what's really going on, you're filling in the blanks yourself with everything that's missing. We all have imaginations that are usually much more interesting than reality. Pretty soon, this guy is gonna be Jason Bourne.

I would say at this point, the more communication the better. It might be time to tell him that you need him to open up a bit more, or you're going to move on for your own sanity. But if you turn down his offers to share with you, it's not fair hold it against him later...

[Archer]

And he's wanting to fix up things around my house, which is appreciated, but I told him that it's not his place to do that and I won't let him do it. Working on my home isn't his job or responsibility at this time.
So...there's a bit more...it's just all going way to fast for me...this has been what, 2-3 weeks?

Ok now that's a little weird. The only thing I helped a girl fix within that timeframe is her bed, after I broke it.