[jen1447]

If you feel comfortable pursuing a man, go for it. I think it opens you to relationships and possibilities that may not have happened. If you always wait to be pursued, then you don't get to pick. You have to wait to be somebody's pick.

I agree with Dream ....look at it this way, throwing caution to the wind would be a way of giving unpleasant past experiences the finger and insisting on living life on your terms rather than being beaten down by them.

(You're obviously an intelligent woman Mag and I respect whatever decisions you choose to make, so that's not me saying "do it my way!" it's me saying "consider this." )

[Stillness]

If you always wait to be pursued, then you don't get to pick. You have to wait to be somebody's pick.

I think that these are some great discussions (as Magnetism's discussions tend to be) but maybe we should define terms. I think people have different concepts in mind. In mine there is a difference between picking and pursuing. "Pursuit" means that the outward, open initiation and advancement of a romantic relationship. Picking means choosing a person with whom you'd like to create and cultivate interest.

Everyone in a romantic relationship picks the other person. One person may make the initial pick and arrange contact, but both people have to choose each other eventually. Only one person needs to be the pursuer, in that they are openly the prime one advancing the relationship (e.g. getting a number, asking for a date, proposing). It doesn't mean that the pursuee is passive anymore than the follower in partner dance is. It also doesn't mean that they aren't doing some pursuing of their own.

Also, being pursued or traditional values does not mean that a woman's role will be that of a barefoot and pregnant cook, sp.

[Magnetism]

Stillness-two of the happy and long term marriages that I know involved traditional courtship, and the women are far from submissive , barefoot and pregnant. Both women are career-oriented, and have no problem exuding authority when needed. But , they allowed the man to pursue when dating. Their husbands still adore them, after 10 years of marriage. Their husbands cook and help with household chores as well .Thank you everyone for your replies.

[effy2014]

To further refine definitions, there is active pursuit and passive pursuit. Even pursuing men want (and sometimes need) the telltale sign. Something definite to establish receptiveness to the next step -- I would call that "passive pursuit". Whether or not it is a preference, I think men are resigned to be the pursuers but are pleasantly surprised when the woman takes a more active role.

I think that is why so many relationships occur at work. People tend to see you at your best and there are so many ways to signal willingness to be pursued. Of course, as a practical matter, work is the worst place to start a relationship, but I digress.

[Magnetism]

^right, a woman flirting, charming, making eye contact, or smiling can be their way of showing interest. I can sense when someone is attracted to me by body language and facial expression.

[atskitty2]

Thanks for sharing. Rejection is hard for me, because it leads to the "what's wrong with me?" It also leads to the fear of being judged by others, because someone could easily say , "you're not pretty enough or you're just crazy." (Which has happened) Realistically, the few men that I did pursue did find me attractive, and told me so. Things just didn't follow through, but it's hard not to analyze what's wrong. When someone initiates, at least I know for sure he's interested.

Hey there! I'm a little late to the game here, but wanted to comment, briefly. I agree - I don't think this had anything to do with who pursued who, but the fact that you both wanted different things out of it.

I understand how this experience would lead you to think that being the pursuer is the wrong role for you, but what I think is wrong is to close a door, to make it a black & white issue, and say, "nope, never gonna do that again!" As you & I have chatted before, dating is hard enough without putting limitations such as this on the front end of what may or may not become a relationship.

Rejection isn't fun for anyone. It's an occurrence we all endure, no matter how smart, funny or pretty any of us are. It doesn't mean anything is wrong with us.

And keep in mind, that if the guy (or woman) pursues, it does indicate interest, but it doesn't identify interest in what! They could be interested in a relationship with you, could be just sex, could be some other reason. So making sure that person's interests are in line with your own is key, before you begin to think too far ahead about the relationship.

Ok, maybe that wasn't as brief as I'd intended.

[DreamP346]

Also, being pursued or traditional values does not mean that a woman's role will be that of a barefoot and pregnant cook, sp.

No it does not. But if a man has a problem with a women because she is confident enough and/or doesn't care about traditional gender roles of dating, then that is an indication of his personality. He obviously doesn't like a women who defies gender roles and he doesn't like a women who is assertive. Liking to pursue or be pursued as preferences. But when a person has issue with how a women decides to live her life, that is a sure sign that he is not somebody a woman wants anything to do with.

[Stillness]

No it does not. But if a man has a problem with a women because she is confident enough and/or doesn't care about traditional gender roles of dating, then that is an indication of his personality. He obviously doesn't like a women who defies gender roles and he doesn't like a women who is assertive. Liking to pursue or be pursued as preferences. But when a person has issue with how a women decides to live her life, that is a sure sign that he is not somebody a woman wants anything to do with.

Stereotyping is a pretty sure way to find yourself being wrong a lot. Personality, culture, familial background, religious belief, and a person's experience are too complex to force people into a box like this.

[atskitty2]

"Liking to pursue or be pursued as preferences. But when a person has issue with how a women decides to live her life, that is a sure sign that he is not somebody a woman wants anything to do with. "

I disagree here sp, if I'm drawing the correct inference from your comment. It is just another preference a man may have, in my view, and not necessarily indicative of his quality as a person. Someone who doesn't like how I live my life, of course is not someone who I'd be with, but there's nothing necessarily wrong with him for not liking my lifestyle or my personality or my strength. It isn't his preference in a mate. I don't think it makes a man a chauvinist, or less desirable if he wants a more traditional type of family where the woman is more passive in some ways. Many strong women prefer that role as well.
A man like that wouldn't be right for me, but there are women who would find that appealing, and men likewise. He's free to dislike a strong & assertive personality, just as I am in a mate.

[DreamP346]

Stereotyping is a pretty sure way to find yourself being wrong a lot. Personality, culture, familial background, religious belief, and a person's experience are too complex to force people into a box like this.

I'm sorry, but in my books, any man who has a problem with a woman being confident and not living by some old time unsaid rules about who asks who out is displaying some major red flags of sexism. Personality, culture, familial background, religious belief, and a person's experience may shape those ideas, but that does not give any man the right to box a woman into his own sexism values of what a woman's role is. Having preferences is fine. But displaying disdain for a woman exercising what is a basic right as a human being is clearly not a sign for a man who values a woman as herself.

I have a preference for Caucasian men. That is fine. But if I have problems with all non-Caucasian men just because they are not white, then I clearly am racist. Similar, liking to be pursue or pursue somebody is fine. But if you judge somebody based on what they prefer, there is a clear indication of their personality and values. What kind of decent man would have a problem with a woman just because she pursues a man. If a man doesn't like to be pursued by a women, fine. But that does not give him the right to think poorly of her. I think poorly of any man who thinks poorly of a woman because she has the confident to pursue a man.