[DreamP346]

Maybe I need to clarify. I am not talking preferences. As I said, preferences are fine to have. I am talking about men who have a PROBLEM with women being the pursuer.

[Stillness]

sp, you're arguing against a position that I don't think anyone took. We were talking about individual preferences and whether or not they reflected more general preferences of men to be the pursuer for long-term relationships. I don't think anyone mentioned judging people for their preferences.

And if you think that I was somehow implying judgement of women for being assertive and confidant, you might check my comments over the past couple of days on the other thread when I mentioned that a girl who stole my and my best friend's hearts was aggressive and outgoing and chose me before I saw her coming. On top of that, I married a woman that has more education than me who got another degree after we married. We could get by very well financially with just her income. She told me before we married that she didn't want children and after 14 years has not changed. We both cook and clean and serve one another and our views are equally valued. We are traditional. We are not your stereotype.

[Something_Awesome]

If a person sees something (or someone) they want, they should go after it.

With that being said, I see no problem with a woman asking out a guy or making the first move. Forget about whether the guy finds it hot or not. It's just good practice to not wait around for life to "just happen" and to go for what you want.

[Magnetism]

Atskitty-I already made up my mind years ago that being the pursuer wasn't the role for me. It's just that this therapist talked me out of it. The fact is that I don't want to be the pursuer. It's just going to feel unauthentic and unnatural for me to do something, because other people want me to. A lot of people my age (late 20's, early 30''s )tell me to have casual sex, blow my money off, eat junk food, and drink heavily. my friends think they're helping me out, but doing those things won't enhance my happiness .

[Magnetism]

If a person sees something (or someone) they want, they should go after it.

With that being said, I see no problem with a woman asking out a guy or making the first move. Forget about whether the guy finds it hot or not. It's just good practice to not wait around for life to "just happen" and to go for what you want.

This strategy would work for a woman that's able to move on, not feel rejected, or not have her confidence shut down. My ingrained nature is being very sensitive and feeling things deeply. Trust me, I've tried to change. But, it's just who I am. Hence, I don't see the point in putting myself in a situation where I could get hurt, and then have to take months to heal. I also don't see the point in trying to make things happen with something that isn't meant to be.

[effy2014]

I think everyone is on the same page in this discussion. Mag needs to be authentic to her personality and view point; having been burned by poor advice, I don't blame her. Waiting for pursuit does not fit everyone's style. As SA wrote, many equate waiting with allowing life to pass one by. Mag, however, knows how to send the "I'm available" signal and chooses to let the man "hunt". I will say that the most obnoxious and potentially dangerous phrase that Mag's generation has hailed is YOLO.

As I have written, I do not know any man who has rejected a woman because she pursued him. I suppose it would prove one of my favorite Woody Allen lines "why would I join a club that would have me as a member". Such an attitude should be trashed along with gender stereotyping. I also think the opposite is true . . . no woman should reject a man because he pursues her. But both do, stupidly, happen.

Within the context of a relationship, people prefer all kinds of roles. I don't judge people regardless of the roles they wish to assume. My multi degreed ex quit her job to be a housewife -- a position she had no skills or desire to perform. My current SO needs me to assume the traditional male role and trusts me to make the decisions. We have an ideal relationship. Of course, what that really means is she wants me to make the decision she would have made. I know her well enough to do so.

[atskitty2]

Yeah, sp, I don't think anyone said that they have a problem with it, or that the guy Mag was referring to had voiced a problem with it? (I don't recall?) so thanks for clarifying that you were just expanding it to include additional thoughts. But you've intrigued me still, and I wonder what you mean by "problem", as I think nothing of it if a man has a problem with me, they can just keep moving, as would I, if I had a problem with some part of their life. I don't necessarily think that makes them bad, just bad for me.
For instance, a man I dated after about 3 dates, had a frank discussion with me about feeling that he could never "keep up with me" or hold me in the kind of life I'd want or deserve. He isn't a bad guy, but he knew he wasn't strong enough to stand with me. I pointed out he hardly knew me. Point is, he had a problem with my assertiveness, my aggressiveness or whatever perceptions he had. That's fine. I just wasn't for him. He needed someone a little smoother around the edges Now had he criticized publicly, attempted to humiliate or hurt me in some way, that's a different story, but he can have a problem with whatever he wants.
Maybe start a new thread, so as not to derail Mag's It's an interesting topic to me.

Then, Mags if that's how you're most comfortable, then be true to it. I'm not one for casual sex, partying every night & acting like I did in my twenties, but many encourage me to do so as well. It's not me anymore - I have neither the need nor desire for that. But, separately, I think generally, over the long run, you'll benefit from not being hurt so easily by things - whether romantic involvements or otherwise. You said you've tried to change, but I think it's not so much something to change, but something to learn to do & feel differently about. That's true for me. It's a choice, and we can learn to make a better choice with our emotions as well as we can decide to choose better friends, or make better work habits...etc.

[DreamP346]

A lot of people my age (late 20's, early 30''s )tell me to have casual sex, blow my money off, eat junk food, and drink heavily. my friends think they're helping me out, but doing those things won't enhance my happiness .

I'm starting to think you need to find new friends. I have enjoyed casual sex, but I would never encourage somebody to have it unless I thought it was their thing. There are very few people who can handle casual sex. Blowing off money and eating junk food is just bad. I would encourage my friends to not feel guilty about doing those things once in a while, but never encourage it, especially if they didn't want to. And heavy drinking is just for rare occasions, and again, not for everybody.

[jen1447]

This strategy would work for a woman that's able to move on, not feel rejected, or not have her confidence shut down. My ingrained nature is being very sensitive and feeling things deeply. Trust me, I've tried to change. But, it's just who I am. Hence, I don't see the point in putting myself in a situation where I could get hurt, and then have to take months to heal. I also don't see the point in trying to make things happen with something that isn't meant to be.

Mag, how many times have you had these negative outcomes? You may find that after once or twice, you get to be seasoned and it doesn't affect you as severely. If it's happened numerous times and it's always the same, that's a different story.

[Magnetism]

Jen-I don't want to admit this, but these situations have happened more than twice, and feeling like sh****t is the same result. Not to mention that these situations trigger old abusive messages. I don't get desensitized to it. Dreamsp-my friends that urge me to have casual sex are people that want to have sex with me. If I have casual sex, it goes along with their best interest. I don't see them that way. I'm only attracted to a certain type. The type that I found the most attractive in my life ironically is the chivalrous and passionate type of men that I saw during my Europe trip. We can't help what turns us on.