[effy2014]

I am very disappointed that it didn't go further. 6 wks. Seems to be the magic time for me. 6 weeks is as long as any relationship has lasted since the divorce. I thought surely this was going to go on awhile, maybe long term. I have mixed feelings. I'm encouraged that I could feel strongly for someone again, but disappointed that I seem to have missed some key points early on. Maybe I just chose to not give them the weight they deserved.
I actually miss him a bit. Didn't miss the last guys.

It didn't seem to me that you missed anything. You appeared to be quite frank and open with the perceived flaws. I don't think it would have helped to pull the plug more quickly . . . things played out as they needed to do. You tried to change the things you could and saw issues with his behavior the more the relationship developed. Take both the positives and negatives to heart and then back on the bicycle.

[atskitty2]

Thanks effy. Yes, back on the horse, so to speak...

[atskitty2]

Seems like jen1447 used to say that she'd nurse her ex-boyfriends through the breakup, and I also seem to do that occasionally. That's what I'm doing now. He continues to msg me regarding things he knows to be going on in my life/family, keeping tabs. He sent a long msg regarding the shock of our breakup & how confused he is, and uncertainty for why I came & went from his life so quickly, etc.
Of course, I'm supporting without providing hope, which has been easier this time than in previous break-ups.

Curious how many of you have also nurtured exes through the breakup?

[Something_Awesome]

I don't think I ever had to nurture. I bet it puts a real strain on you though. It sounds like a really difficult phase to go through.

[atskitty2]

It seems to have worked itself out SA. He hasn't contacted me since Sunday.

[atskitty2]

I don't use zoosk.

[atskitty2]

Agreed CW, thanks for your thoughts. I think had it been just a thing or two, but all the things combined were just too much for me. Especially the questions about how much I missed him...I do laugh at that one now...
He's mellowed & isn't contacting so much now. I guess he needed a week or so to come to terms, and he seems ok.

[effy2014]

We learn so much about ourselves in relationships, however brief . . . and, in this forum, we can learn about ourselves from what happens to others. I could never stop being analytical and have fun because it's a recipe for being hurt again. Unless the analytical and emotional self can understand and agree, the walls can't come down. It appears to be the same with Kitty. There were too many warning signs with all of the positives to just let herself go.

I also found his lack of confidence in romance as an alpha male to be very interesting. Perhaps it was the breakdown of his marriage. But it did seem odd that he displayed this lack of confidence so early in dating you as well as the filters he would put to use in everyday life. A good example of how important confidence can be in a budding relationship. I applaud you for taking the time to help him through the breakup even when you must have been grieving a bit yourself.

It may not have worked with this man, but there is some ego boost to having been worshipped for all of the right reasons.

[atskitty2]

effy, I'm curious what you mean exactly with the end of that first paragraph. Especially the part about the analytical self & emotional self understanding each other so the walls can come down. I want to make sure you're speaking of the same thing I'm thinking...because if you are....it's interesting you've made this observation, not really knowing me. I'm struggling with it, if it's what I think you mean, and I don't know what to do about it.

I genuinely cared for this man, and went into this with the idea that it could really go somewhere, but I'm going to have fun with it until such time I know that for sure. And we did...the first few weeks were a whirlwind of going out and staying in, laughing & spending nearly every free moment together and enjoying every moment of it. Then, I began catching the little things that weren't what I would hope for...
So, yes, then I began to analyze the hell out of it all...each "thing" added into my equation & any way I plugged in the figures, it all came out a negative. And of course it wasn't fun any more. One of my friends said I'm just too negative, and focused on the negative...but I don't think that was entirely it. I had columns in my mind, of pros & cons...analyzing the risk vs benefit of being in a long term relationship with him, if it was worth the fun I was having, how my mentality would be affected by it, how I would need to adjust my habits...and how HE would be hurt even more if I waited it out to see if things improved, and if I could make the necessary changes. Yeah, I analyzed it...could send up a 10 page report on my data collection! LOL

As CW points out, some of the things that were bothersome for me, were quite endearing & probably just him being smitten with me. I just don't like that. Sure it's great to have someone eating out of your hand, but in some ways, it's really not good at all. I know many women would love to have a man treat them in such a way, and I appreciated it too, but enough is enough. There's 2 sides to that coin. But yes, it certainly did restore some confidence and I am charging fwd in the dating world with much different mindset.

Hope you'll be back to comment effy. I am curious if you struggled with this as well, and how you pushed through it.
Of course this is hindsight...didn't realize I was doing this until after the fact.

[effy2014]

effy, I'm curious what you mean exactly with the end of that first paragraph. Especially the part about the analytical self & emotional self understanding each other so the walls can come down. I want to make sure you're speaking of the same thing I'm thinking...because if you are....it's interesting you've made this observation, not really knowing me. I'm struggling with it, if it's what I think you mean, and I don't know what to do about it.

I genuinely cared for this man, and went into this with the idea that it could really go somewhere, but I'm going to have fun with it until such time I know that for sure. And we did...the first few weeks were a whirlwind of going out and staying in, laughing & spending nearly every free moment together and enjoying every moment of it. Then, I began catching the little things that weren't what I would hope for...
So, yes, then I began to analyze the hell out of it all...each "thing" added into my equation & any way I plugged in the figures, it all came out a negative. And of course it wasn't fun any more. One of my friends said I'm just too negative, and focused on the negative...but I don't think that was entirely it. I had columns in my mind, of pros & cons...analyzing the risk vs benefit of being in a long term relationship with him, if it was worth the fun I was having, how my mentality would be affected by it, how I would need to adjust my habits...and how HE would be hurt even more if I waited it out to see if things improved, and if I could make the necessary changes. Yeah, I analyzed it...could send up a 10 page report on my data collection! LOL

I will explain what I meant in relation to me. After a great deal of introspection, I know the criteria I need in a woman to facilitate my happiness (I would have said make me happy, but can anyone really?). So, as I learn about a person, I use the "Kitty Scorecard" of pros and cons. The emotional self constantly wants to compromise, even with the "no compromise" criteria, because of the frustration of starting over agin with someone new, being alone in the meanwhile, and, most likely, the ego boost of someone really liking you. My analytical self is (for the most part) in control and, until the pros overcome the negatives, I could never be all in. Perhaps most commendable, one of your considerations was his feelings and whether he would be more hurt if things dragged on while you slowly considered whether it was all worth it to you.

Those of us who have been in failed relationships DO dwell on the negatives, specifically those negatives that caused our prior relationships to crash and burn. Things that even remind us of our exes get special scrutiny. However, you did not ignore the positives. You gave them all due consideration. There is a fine line between being the focus of a man's affection/attention and being the object of his obsession. Kudos that you managed in 6 weeks to do the work that would take others many months.