[atskitty2]

I see where you're headed Euphoric!
Sliver of hope? no, not necessarily-no more than before. I'm just not ready to give it up, even tho I'm actually more discouraged than before, since the last attempt.

Yes, we've spent a lot of time together...he met 2 of my friends last evening. They liked him very much, 2 thumbs up. They don't know of my concerns, past the kissing dilemma.

[atskitty2]

Well, I seem to be losing interest...I'm also a bit sick, so it may just be that. I'm just finding now, that I'm less excited to see him, less inclined to make extra efforts to see him...signs that I'm not really into this any more. I don't like to be around folks when I'm sick, so I'm hoping I'm just hibernating because I feel bad.
There's been some new info that makes me think the whole rebound scenario is more likely too...

He dropped the 3 little words too, so...not sure if I'm just getting scared off...I didn't say it back. I told him honestly that I'm just not there yet, and found it very difficult to believe he is either.

I just don't know, folks...

[jns]

He may say and believe those three words, but that doesn't mean he has thought everything through to the point of complete commitment. Of course, he could have but probably not. He probably is committed to his fantasy version of you. If his fantasy version of you is close to the real you, then he is well on his way.

When people get sick the do one of several things. They can pull back into a cave and not let anyone see them. They can convey their helplessness and be pampered. They can try to carry on as if nothing is wrong. I probably can come up with other scenarios. Wait and see if your feelings have truly changed after you are over being sick.

[Something_Awesome]

I lost my train of thought a million times while writing this post due to interruptions. I had to write a bit here-and-there on my phone throughout the day, so I hope my points make sense...

Last night, we started messing around. I wasn't really as much in the mood as he was, I'd had a stressful day & my mind was wound up from the day's events, and I couldn't calm my energies.

So, we were kissing, playing around & I told him I didn't need to get off, that I wanted to focus on him, pleasing him only [tonight]...but he kept insisting to get me off...I was getting frustrated because I really knew I couldn't & didn't want to. I finally had to say to just stop, that I'd said 3 times already that I want it to be all about him. I told him I understood he was trying to relieve my tension & I appreciated that very much, but I just didn't need it.

I get your frustration. You did not want to please him to be "nice" or to just appear to be caring, but because you actually desired it the same way you may desire to receive. With that being said, I wouldn't fault him with wanting to please you instead. Often, people's reaction to offers of niceties (lack of better word) is to respond with their own offer of niceness (or to reject the initial offer) because they don't want to feel like a burden.

So, after I said that, he stopped with me for a bit, but then went back toward me...I thought perhaps HE needs to touch me & please me, in order to feel good himself, so I allowed him to touch me and I enjoyed it then-knowing it was probably what HE actually needed at the time.

It's funny... If I tell my GF that I love to give shoulder and back rubs for long periods of time, she would not believe me and would probably cut the session short (even though she LOVES receiving them) because she would not want to feel like she is burdening me. However, if she was talking to a friend of mine that happened to mention that I love giving back/shoulder rubs, then she'd probably let me do it for extended periods of time without stopping me (due to her feeling "guilty") because my friend's statement serves as validation from a source, other than me, of what is actually going on in my head; it would confirm that I am not offering rubs just to be "nice." I guess what I am trying to say (I know I am explaining it in a silly way) is that sometimes we have trouble believing that people want to do nice things for us simply because they desire to (as opposed to doing it due to a sense of duty or obligation, etc).

If you told your guy "nothing gets me off more than pleasing my man," he'd probably doubt the comment (at least a little bit); however, if your friend told him "nothing gets Kitty off more than her pleasing her man," he'd totally believe it. It's weird if you think about it, but that's just how we are. It's not a bad thing, because it means that your partner is worried about your comfort and satisfaction as well. That he does not want to burden you is an indication that he is unselfish. My only concern is that you may need to talk to him about it because I am worried about your above experience repeating.

This went on for a long time...he couldn't get off with anything I did...After some point, I had to stop & say I'm exhausted...it had been a LONG time. He proceeded to finish himself, rather quickly...and I was nearly in tears. Of course, I didn't let him see that, but... He again tried to go for me, and I said no, that this all just seems really forced & unnatural. I assured him I really didn't need an orgasm. We held each other then...as usual & talked more before we fell asleep. I told him again, during this pillow talk, how upsetting it was for me to be trying all the weapons in my arsenal outside of oral, or sex itself & to leave him unsatisfied...he said those things have never been pleasing to him...then I pointed out that he was able to help himself in short order, but I couldn't...and why that is? He said it just takes a long time, and he's more used to his own hand now.

This above paragraph is the main reason I am responding. First, your guy (can I call him BF?) is not stupid. He felt worse than you did when he couldn't orgasm with your efforts. Trust me on this. Don't be distracted by the fact that he helped himself in short order. He has some anxiety with you. It disturbed him that he could not climax with you and he more than likely lied (yeah, this time he lied for sure, but for good reason) when he said what you tried was never pleasing to him. He's thought long and hard about that night and has wondered why he was not able to climax (well, he knows why, he just does not know how to fix it). When he said "it was never pleasing," it was a calculated response to signal to you to think that it's not your fault (it isn't). I honestly could go on about this forever. The biggest problem in all this is that it's only going to add to his anxiety and it is going to make it worse. It is important to get a handle on his anxiety before it gets out of control. And yes, plenty of guys have anxiety when doing it with someone they care about. Just trust me on this! Don't take it too personally; Cancers can really beat themselves up over stuff like this :P

The other thing is that I am sure you do not want to be with a guy that has anxiety over being sensual with you... Maybe you feel that he should be at a stage in his life where he has enough sexual experience to not feel anxiety over having sex with a woman? I'm pretty sure you want him to feel sure of himself, to be strong, etc. After all, he is all those things outside of the bedroom, right? I know how he acts outside of the bedroom is not congruent with how he is inside the bedroom, but there is no rule saying they should be. Personally, I feel like your biggest obstacle is his anxiety.

At some point in all this, he did dry hump me, and I was hoping that wasn't how he'd actually have sex, meaning, the motion & stroke he has. No rhythm...

but I hate to make a judgement based on that...

I would not make a judgement based on the dry hump. This past Sunday my GF was laying on top of me and I think a commercial came on with a catchy tune and I started to dry hump her to the beat (it was more like grinding, I guess). She was extremely impressed as my lower torso hit all the notes. I'll even isolate by using a single butt cheek for certain notes, lol. With that being said, I don't do sex in any way close to how I dry hump/grind. If a catchy tune comes on in a commercial or show, I'll sometimes do a dry hump/grind to the beat of the tune (I know, I'm weird) just for fun.

Your discussion above is interesting about intuition...he is a VERY intuitive man in life. He meditates, he does yoga & is very tuned in to himself, to me & those around him. It's one of the things I love about him. He met someone close to me, and as soon as we walked away, he turned to me & said, you two recently had a falling out, didn't you? I asked him how he could have possibly known that...he said he could just sense a tension there...deep love & respect, but tension. I was floored. He's done this sort of thing many times...picked up on subtle changes in my mood, my comments or wants...and is sensitive to things I've said-he really pays attention, and analyzes things. That's annoying at times, but he leaves it alone if I ask him to.

Then...in the bed...??? Why does that passion, intuition & sensitivity not carry into the bed?

I've entertained the idea that it's partly cultural. I dated a man of his race many years ago, that was similarly inexperienced physically, but then, we were younger & didn't advance this far sexually either. But there was a similar "vibe" from him, as if he didn't know what to do with me beyond kissing me.

This may sound weird, but I feel that the Yoga thing is a huge plus; however, it makes his sensual awkwardness more perplexing.

One thing I have to be honest about is that I feel (and I felt this from the start) that his being culturally different plays a part in all this. I just did not say anything because I did not want to sound like a bigot. I am not trying to say that his culture/ethnicity is at fault. To give you an example, I've had guys from other ethnicities who are madly into white females tell me I am so lucky to be with a white female (these guys felt they were unable to attract them due to their cultural background), or that I am lucky I am white because it helps my chances at landing a white female. I've also had guys from other ethnicities tell me they get nervous around white females (because they are into them). I am not saying that your guy has this same issue. I only bring it up as an example. Though there are a lot of guys from other cultures that dream of being with a white female, and if it happens, they seem to have trouble remaining composed.

I really hope your guy figures it out. It's too bad he has a sensual block while being with the most sensual of all the astrological signs.

[Something_Awesome]

Just ready your updated post Kitty... ****...

[atskitty2]

Thanks for your detailed response SA.
And, jns, this "fantasy" version of me is something I've thought of, that plays a smaller part of the whole rebound idea too. He had shown his ex-wife a pic of me early on, which I thought was odd, and thought he was trying to elicit some jealousy or some sort of response from her.
It's also a part of something we discussed early on about our races & the perceptions of others, that he's dating a white woman, being a (fairly light) brown man. We had a very blunt, detailed discussion of this early on, and I felt very confident that he was interested in me for the right reasons.

Now, I'm not so sure. He "shows off" my pic to people, and shares their comments with me. I figure as much as he is telling me, there's probably a lot more times, that he doesn't. I did ask him, why he feels it's necessary to do that, and why he tells me what others think of my looks, because I really don't care. I said something about these people, whom I've never met, commenting on my looks...I'm not a bragging piece for him or anyone else and don't appreciate being treated like one.
While I understand the racial & cultural thing, I really think this is beyond that. His lack of confidence in himself is evident here as well.

He made a comment a week or so ago about moving in together...I said that's quite a while from now, to consider that.

So, I have a feeling this is going to crumble for more reasons than the sexual disconnect.

Last night I went to his place for dinner. Afterward we were relaxing for a bit, and I fell asleep on his shoulder. He took a picture...
I was a bit creeped out by that.
What is happening here? I have a feeling that the honeymoon's over...and some facets of his character are being revealed...

[atskitty2]

I do think he's sensing a bit of my pulling away. He was expecting me to spend the night at his place last night, but when I showed up, I told him I wasn't staying. Part of it was due to my feeling sick, and part of it was due to expected weather moving in, and part of it was because I simply wanted to sleep alone last night. I told him all 3 reasons.

I am more confused than ever. This has all moved so fast, and now he's telling me he loves me, talking about taking me to his country later this year...it's just a bit much for me. It's been not quite 6 wks since we met. I'm thinking I need to ask him to just slow down. I'm sensing some latching on, which is a frequent issue with men I date. Suddenly, he's very attentive to messages I may not receive due to my phone being in poor service. I swear, we had about a 5 minute discussion on whether or not I'd received a msg he sent hours earlier...to me, it doesn't matter, just tell me what it was & let's move on. We know my phone has issues, I felt like he thought I was avoiding answering him. It was something meaningless about lemons I think. Am I in over my head here.

He's asked me to say hello to a close family member that knows of him, but he's not met...and she thought that was weird. I told him I thought it was a little weird too, but sweet also.
His life/career consist of a lot of networking, so fb & other media outlets are a big part of his life. He's now telling me he'll friend my family members that he's not met yet...I didn't tell him not to, but it just seems weird-more than a little, even tho I know that's part of what he does, and he is outgoing that way. I told him I'm not really close w/family, and that I wouldn't be announcing that I have a bf to anyone, unless someone happened to ask. He seemed disappointed by that. He's told EVERYONE about me.
It just seems so forced. It's not flowing naturally any longer. I'm feeling like he's just excited to tell everyone he has a gf.
I get that-nothing wrong with that. I am glad he's excited, and it'd be weird if he weren't excited, but something now, just doesn't feel right.

I don't want to give up as I really do care for him, but this is just too much to absorb & understand right now. I think of all the great things about our relationship, and what I believed to be a positive, strong foundation, and now it seems like it's fading away. I just realized all this in the last couple days...but I'm sick, and as jns says, I should not make a rash decision while sick...but I'm thinking a cool down is in order.
Thoughts?

[Something_Awesome]

It feels weird because you got him feeling like a schoolboy again! But you want a man, not a schoolboy. The latching on thing is happening with a bunch of men you date because they find you very alluring.

I have to agree though, his telling the whole word about the two of you is unfortunate (I think weird is too strong a word). The dude is just sprung. Wanting to show off your GF is totally OK; however, wanting to show your GF off and actually doing it can be another story. I never told anyone about my GF or showed pictures unless they asked if I was single or not, or asked to see a pic of my GF. If there was an event being planned, I'd let the person planning it know ahead of time that I am bringing my GF etc (it's in good taste IMO), and then a convo about her may come up.

I think his broadcasting of you was taking it overboard, and it puts you in an uncomfortable position because If you end up splitting up with him, he is going to feel extremely embarrassed for showing you off to everyone and getting dumped shortly after. At least he will learn an important lesson...

[raindancer]

I was going to type a post, then I've found my own (post number 10, first page of this thread). That's what I still feel about it, if you care to read it again.

I'll add something.
Unless you're really not into sex, this guy doesn't seem to be a man for you.

And he knows it. He sounds quite desperate, trying to make things fast track. He knows of his shortcomings. No one can be 42, in this world we live, and be so naive. If we don't know something, like how to please a woman/man, we have more than enough means to learn it. I've been having sex for a long time and I'm still reading about the subject on an almost weekly basis, because with everything very important in life, we know we should aim to be better.

If he really didn't have sensibility enough to realize something doesn't work, it is unlikely he'll be sensible enough to learn to please you. You'll have to forever be telling him exactly what to do. That is a huge turn off with the passing years.

The anxiety thing was there from the beginning. Somewhere you talk about fumbling and stuff like that, as if this man of 42 was an innocent adolescent. Adolescent, insecure behavior is cute in young people, but not really sexy, like lift-me-off-my-feet-and-take-me-now sexy in an older man (or woman).

We find those things endearing when we're hoping it works really a lot. But hoping it works won't change a boy into a man, sexually speaking.

If I sound harsh, it is because I'm talking to you as I talk to myself, with the added difficulty I don't speak English. I hope I'm all wrong and it does work out for you, if that's what you want.

[atskitty2]

Anyone else? Any more ladies care to share?

I think I need a break from him to think, when I'm well. One thing that keeps replaying in my mind is, overhearing him tell my friends Sat night, that his friends saw a pic and said I was hot, confirmed my age and told him how lucky he is...I am turned off at being the arm candy of a "sophisticated" and successful executive. I expected much better. It seems so out of character.

I'm beginning to understand tho. His former wife was a blonde, but not particularly attractive. I think he's saying, ha, she cheated w a kid, but look at the prize I have won...
And I'm disgusted.

I think he didn't start thinking this way until about the time I met his friends tho...and got their responses...
Still thinking thru this...