I feel so alone!

[Drama28]

What next?!!

I am so angry, confused and in shock! I tried to call him at work today and he didn't have the balls to call me back. His daughter who is 25 called me after he got home from work and basically told me to stop trying to contact him. She says since her parents have made it for 30 years that they are gonna try and work it out and things will be fine if I just stay away! What a bunch of crap! He didn't have the guts to talk to me himself when he was at work so his daughter needs to call me and tell me to back off?? I told her as much as I could to make sure he had told them the whole truth. She said she knew about him being in love with me, but she claims that he can "work that out in counseling". How do you just "work it out" to not love somebody anymore??? WTF?? Seriously??!! I said "what about the daughter we have together?" She said that I should just file for child support and prove to her mom that it is his and then if she is his he will pay and they will supposidly treat her like their sister. ARGH!! I said I will file and he will be found to be her dad and then what am I supposed to do if you won't let me see him; she said that somebody like her could come up and get her and bring her back. Yeah, like I am gonna trust his kid who prob. hates me because I am the mistress! Whatever! My sister is still convinced that he is just really confused and torn right now and that he will not be able to be without us. She doesn't think he will work on his marriage and he will come back to me when things calm down and he can think clearly. I don't know what to think. I love him with all my heart and I told his daughter that and I even said that I didn't mean to "ruin" his marriage, but that I will always be here if there marriage doesn't work because I can't just stop loving him and I won't just go away. Some of you may think I should just give up and get CS, but I really appreciate knowing the last post had a situation that really worked out! That at least gives me a little bit of hope...since most of it has been crushed now. Please help. I need more advice, prayers, and anything more you can give. Thanks

[Drama28]

Thank you again

Thanks so much Tinkerbell and Momoffive! I really needed somebody on my side! Yes, I am kind of alone. The problem gets more complicated because I am seperated from my husband who I have 3 other little girls with. He has always known the situation and is helpful, but I can't really lean on the man I left for this other man who is treating me like dirt now. My sister and a few friends know, but my parents and family have no idea about this whole situation. My dad actually used to work with him and was his boss when we all worked together. They would prob. never get over it if they found out in the middle of all of this. I was waiting until he was going to tell his wife so then I could tell my parents since that would at least look a little better. I guess I will wait a while and see what happens and if he comes around, please pray and hope he will, and if not, then I guess when I file for child support and all of that stuff they will eventually find out. What a mess! I will be 28 in May and this is not where I thought I would be! I know it is a pipedream, but I still want so much to be with him! I am so hurt and upset! Thanks for the help, keep it coming I sure need it!

[kaylar]

Truth ?

When a man is married and living with his wife, anything that comes
out of his mouth is suspect. Firstly, he can live somewhere else.

He lives with his wife because he wants to.

For example, John couldn't take it any more, and moved out.
While the divorce argument was going on...(the wife had a
very high powered attorney going after everything)...he moved
to another town. He got a job, and his parents would take the
children on weekends, and he would visit at his parent's house.

Yes, he is still married, and yes, he has a girlfriend, but you can
see the difference between John and Drama28's man.

A man claims his marriage has broken down, but no divorce
proceedings are going on?

Vic's wife left him, and he had no idea where she was. He didn't
have the kind of money to hired private detectives. He contacted
her mother/brother/friends, and whether they were lying or not,
said they didn't know where she was.

Vic wanted a divorce, but because they couldn't find the wife
all they could do was draft the document, file it, and hold it
until she was located.

Vic was upfront with Beth about his status, and she, having
been burnt once, actually went with him to his lawyer to see
that a petition had been filed, but they couldn't serve the wife
because they couldn't find her.

Beth moved in with Vic.

Beth's situation is again, far different from Drama28's.
A man who makes no move to get a divorce, doesn't want
one.

In the two examples I gave previously;
'Y's 'darling sweet sugar' was such an invetrate liar that
Y believed every word he had said. She wanted to doubt
that the big youth who was controlling the dogs was her
lover's son...(dead stamp of him), wanted to believe we,
the neighbors, were 'taking the wife's side.' She made a
complete idiot of herself, and my friend laughed so much
she actually fell down. For Y was talking about a guy we
knew for like ten years, and everything he'd told Y was
an out and out lie.

Mr. C was so 'professional' in his affairs that anyone would
believe him. He put Hotty to live in what she thought was
his apartment, (it wasn't, he was an agent for his brother,
and his brother owned the place), thought his wife was his
sister! He had her name tattooed on his arm and told
Hottie a long story about how his sister was dying and he
was told that if he had her name tattooed on his arm she
would live.

On and on, lie upon lie, until she finds out that Donette
was his wife, not his sister, and he was taking his wife...
the same woman he claimed he didn't live with and hadn't
spoken to for years, on a two week cruise!

Now neither Y nor Hottie are really idiots. They are no
stupider than anyone else. It was that the men in their
lives were better liars than average because they knew
how to get over.

[tinkerbell930]

Wow....

This is so intense. Drama28, I wish I could tell you some really positive things on this, but (don't you HATE when someone says "but") anyway....it was very cowardly of him to avoid you. He should "man up" and at least tell YOU what is going on. I would ask to speak to him and his wife to "work things out". Be the bigger person at this point. If you can't talk to him or see him because his family is barricading him (which by the way....he has found MANY opportunities to sneak off and see you behind their backs, why should NOW be any different? Because he is a coward!) I hate saying that and I know your heart wants to believe and trust the man he was with you, but it really sounds like he has been playing a part for 3 years. I am sure he will miss you and miss what you two had, life was wonderful, a wife at home that believed in him and a beautiful young woman in another home that worshipped him. Hey, the guy had it really good. Now it is a mess and he just wants to hide and not deal with it. My ex-mother-in-law went through something like this....or should I say is still going through this...her man did divorce his wife, but is still being very wishy washy because his adult daughter plays guilt trips on him, so he won't "completely commit" to her and her day to day life is in constant upheaval. I feel bad that you are still hiding this from your family. I think you should tell them everything....they need to know. True love doesn't try to hide from people they love in their lives. You both had built a make believe world for yourselves and now his world has come into it, you NEED the support of your family and can only have that with the truth. It will be hard, but trying to wait it out until he decides what to do is not a good thing. I am still praying for you and want for you to be happy. I wish I could talk to you. I feel like you are a good friend of mine that needs my help. Sorry if that sounds weird, but if one of my friends were going through this I would be at her house with a box of tissues and reassure her that no matter what happens (good or bad, with this man---she WILL be fine and have a happy life, NO MATTER WHAT!).....time heals all wounds. It is SO true. Even if you two do work it out, there will still be hurt feelings for the way he treated you now. That is not respecting what he has done with you in the past. My heart really does ache for you and want the best to happen!

[kaylar]

K.C.'s Surefire Method for Disposing of Superannnuated Lovers


KC treats his wife like a Goddess and his Mistresses
as sex toys.

His usual method;

1) Find a suitable
2) Tell her whatever is necessary
3) Enjoy any kind of sex he can think of with the
Mistress.
4) When she bores him, he has his surefire method
of dumping her.

The method begins in the most romantic way to 'prove'
to the Mistress how much he 'loves' her.
After the Last Supper, (as he calls it) there is a block
of silence.

When the gal tries to contact him, she's met with lots
of stonewalls. She will get through eventually, but
the stonewalls are built to make her comprehend she
is nobody.

When contact is finally made he gives some long story
about his wife finding out and they are going to make
another try for the marriage.

The Mistress can't accept this, and tries to see him,
or contact him, and meets more stonewalls. Eventually
she either a) comes to his place of work where security
will throw her out.
b) to his home where the police will arrest her
c) if she contacts him on the road or in a bar, he will
make it seem that she's 'attacking' him and she will
meet physical violence.
d) his cover story is that this is a mad woman who is
fixated on him and is a danger to herself and others.

He has, over the past twenty years has been able to
get a number of women committed to mental institutions,
or arrested, or put into the hospital, by actions in which
he is not held liable.

What Drama28 is going to confront in the next few
weeks will be very much in keeping with this method.

[Drama28]

Tired, but still breathing.

First off...thank you so much Tinkerbell930, no it doesn't sound crazy that you wish we were friends so you could help more, it sounds really nice! It makes me feel like somebody really does care! Yes, I should tell my parents, but right now they like him and knew he was here for me when my ex wasn't and I really don't want to rock the boat with this titlewave until it settles a bit. I don't think that I will face one of the next steps that Kaylar thinks will happen next, or I hope I don't. I really believe with all my heart that he isn't like that. What he did by being a coward and running when his wife found out was horrible and inexcusable; but deep down inside part of me thinks this is all temporary. Trust me, I am one of the biggest pessimists on the planet most of the time, but I can't believe that this is really the way it will end. I don't plan on making a scene anywhere and risking going to the mental ward or anything because my kids are much more important to me than any man could ever be. I did file for CS today and hope for it to go through soon. Reguardless of what the next few weeks hold, he will end up doing a DNA test and proving he is her dad and paying me! He said he would be here for them and if not, he will at least financially be there and to top it off I know it will really **** off his wife! I don't think she really believes it yet and once that is done I think their relationship will get worse because she won't be able to handle money being taken out of her pocket to support a baby that she refused to believe existed from a 3 year affair that she claims her husband can just "work out" in counseling. Deep down in my heart I know he still loves us and he isn't the kind of person that would just leave for good, maybe just temporarily out of fear. I don't know what the future holds, but next month was supposed to be our 3 year anniversary. Ironically next month it will also be his/her 30 year anniversary, maybe if things don't work out for us maybe he will get served with court papers or find out for sure that he has to pay because she is his around that time! Happy anniversary to them! I'm sorry if that sounds bad, but I am really hurt right now, I am not usually a hurtful person at all. I didn't want any of this to ruin anyone's lives. One more thing I forgot to add about Kaylar' theory...our sex life was beyond amazing throughout our 3 year relationship and was only getting better! We had also talked about things in the future like what would happen after he told his wife and about others reactions, ect. We didn't just have one last "supper" and then not talk. We spent most of the weekend together and then I talked to him Sun. afternoon as usual, the next day is when I found out it blew up. I am not saying that most things like this don't happen like that, but mine doesn't seem to be quite the same.

[kaylar]

Clues


No man who Lives With His Wife and Has a Mistress
is going to leave his wife for the Mistress.
That's a fact.

Sure he can say anything and do anything when
you are together. I can think of women who would
have put their head on the block two months ago
in the belief that the Husband loves her, now realise
that she was number 12 in a series of Mistresses all
who have the same story.

When a marriage is over, somebody moves out.
That's how it goes. Somebody moves out. Because
neither wants to be around the other one.

When people live together it is pretty likely they
do things together, and that they have a relationship.

No man is going to say;

"Hi,I'm married, I live with my wife, but I want wild
sex with you because my won't perform fellatio or
anal sex or sex in the bathtub."

He is not going to say;

"I feel old and I want a young gal to make me
feel young again and you're convenient."

He's going to say;

"My marriage has been falling apart for many years
and the only reason I don't leave her is because;
a) the children
b) her mental condition
c) economic situations
d) (fill in the blank)"

Despite all this he is going home to her.
Despite all this she will be the one he takes
to the family functions, discusses the future
with, is involved in whatever it is that they
are involved with.

The reason he sends others to do his dirty work
is yes, he's a coward, but also because he wants
no contact with you.

You make him pay for that child. This DNA thingy
is virtually saying that you're a **** and he's not
sure he is the father.

Did he take out an insurance policy when the
child was born? Has he had a special bank account
made for the child? Does the child have a trust fund?
Has he made any preparation?

if he cared he would know that if he had died during
the past few years you would get NOTHING. Your
child would GET NOTHING.

If he cared so much he would have put something in
place so that if he had died you and the child would
be taken care of...i.e. an insurance policy.

But he didn't.
He could of.
After all, he loves you and the baby so much...doesn't
he? I mean he was so concerned about you and the
child, obviously?

For over 25 years I have been dealing with cases like
your's. it is not once or twice. The examples I give
are taken from real cases. They are not hypotheticals.

When I find a woman who was in the situation you were
in last year, I always ask about Insurance policies, about
property, and when they look blank, I know exactly where
they are, even though they will deny it.

"He Loves Me!" they claim.

How can he love you when if he died on his way home
four months ago, you and the child would get nothing?

If he had truly loved you and the child he would have
a) purchased a place for you in your name
b) taken out an insurance policy in the child's name
c) had some bank account in both your names

Just to insure that you would be alright in case of
something happening.

I am sure he has a nice fat policy in his wife's name.
I'm sure he has property in her name.
I would be willing to bet that if he owns his own
home, it is in both their names, and that if he has
a business, her name is someplace around it.

The fact you have to prove paternity now suggests
that he did some fancy footwork to prevent being
the official father of this child.

[tinkerbell930]

Drama28 I am still out here thinking of you and hoping you will be ok. I think EVERY situation is different. I know Kaylar makes some very good points and has probably seen this type of thing so many times that she has a feeling for it. I also know that YOU have to go with your heart and feelings until it works or it doesn't. If this is temporary and his intentions are true and real, he will come around. IF he is the dog that Kaylar believes, that too will come out. Every day is a new day and the right thing for all involved will happen. God works that way. (I know, here I go mentioning Him again , but it is true...) I can't comment on the child support thing because that is a really sore subject in our house, but we pay over $1000 a month to 2 stupid girls that live off welfare and complain about being the victim-(LONG STORY there-my husband wasn't really smart before he met me-drank way too much and didn't care about anything and made DUMB choices...now he gets to pay for a LONG time because of it) but that is not at all your situation. ANYWAY, keep saying your prayers, follow your heart and wait to see what happens. I am actually going to be gone for a week (my husband and I are finally getting our honeymoon after being married for 7 months!!!) but I will think of you and pray for you! Hopefully something good will happen for you in the next week. Keep loving all your babies and take steps you need to keep your sanity.

[Drama28]

Just stuck

Thanks Tinkerbell930, have a good time on your honeymoon! As for Kaylar, just out of curiosity, are you a therapist or something that you seem to know so much about this type of situation? No, he didn't have an insurance policy or anything for us, yes that made me mad, but I dealt with it and talked to him about it. The only reason I didn't ask him to do it is because I didn't want his wife to find out that way. I wanted her to find out from his mouth and not from getting a piece of mail that is unexplainable, that is one of the other reasons he isn't on the birth certificate. I was still technically married when she was born so my married name automatically went on the BC because that is how it is in this state. He knows he is the father and so does everyone around us, but obviously his wife doesn't believe it and considering I was married at the time she wants "proof" that it is his. That doesn't make me a **** that is just I guess making sure I don't run away with their money with someone else's baby or something. He admitted it was his kid to them, they just want the proof. He has always up to this point taken care of us and I just can't believe that he will stay away. Obviously if within the next few months he makes no attempt to contact me himself or see me then I will believe that he is a dog and that I guess I was wrong all along. Until then I will continue to hold onto a tread of hope that he is the wonderful man that I knew and loved and he will realize what he has done and come back. Right now I don't know what to do, I feel like either crying, screaming or just laying down to die! None of which change anything. All I can do is hope and pray that things get better. I just don't understand because he was going to tell her he wanted a divorce, I don't know if that was said, but obviously she doesn't want that after 30 years of "safety" in a marriage even if you don't love them anymore. I just can't believe that he would leave us and the happiness we brought to his life the fun he had with the kids and yes, the sex, but just having a great time together no matter what we did. We always enjoyed each others company no matter what we were doing, he even would come over and clean my house! Don't try to tell me that most men would come and clean their misstress' houses! Not just tidying up, deep scrubbing of the toilet, floor, dishes, ect. I didn't make him do anything to get me into bed either, he knew even if he just was here doing nothing I would have had sex with him so he certainly didn't have to go through all that work for sex from me! That is what makes no sense. Maybe once his grandkids go back to their mothers and he pays child support for my kid and his wife mellows out he will decide being with her isn't worth it. I don't know...maybe it's just a pipedream. I need some kind of hope, even if it doesn't seem likely.

[tinkerbell930]

The good thing about life...is there is ALWAYS hope. He may do exactly what you hope for. He is in the middle of a tornado right now...wife and kids are pulling at him pretty hard and you are the only one at this point that isn't do much pulling. You don't have any control of this situation and it is all up to him at this point to come back. What IS up to you, is how long you will wait for that to happen. I totally understand your need to scream, cry, lay down and die feelings....hurt of all kinds brings us to our knees and makes us feel like there is nothing worth living for, even our beautiful children. So much right now for you will be to keep telling yourself that you ARE STRONG AND CAN GET THROUGH ANYTHING...no matter what the turn out is. God may be changing things in this situation because it HAS to be honest for you two to be together. God may also be changing things to open the door to you finding someone else far down the road that will have no other strings (I know, nobody that loves someone as strongly as you do, right now, wants to hear about any other person fitting into your life) but God does work that way. I don't think you are a **** at ALL!!! Falling in love happens to all kinds of people and once you are there it seems that all rules cease to exsist....people get hurt eventually when there are other strings attached in each other's lives. I am sure the DNA test will show him as the father...he doesn't question it, he is just letting his family hold the reins right now. It is sad that he hasn't stood up to all of them and who knows what all is being said in all those households right now....denial is ALWAYS the first reaction when a spouse gets cheated on. Your brain cannot accept that and chooses to call everyone else a liar and of course make you the tramp and "temptress"...blah blah blah...he is a grown man and knew what he was doing....wrong or right. Just keep praying. I will be for you. And thanks for telling me to have a good honeymoon. I know I will check on how you are doing when I get back!