[kaylar]

me


I have been involved in Women's Issues continually
since 1976. I have been an Attorney * Law since
1981. I have been legal advisor to the Party in power
in re women's issues since 1986.

I have seen a lot of this before.

In Re; Insurance Policy. It is so simple to have
the policy forwarded to your house and in your
possession. Just as many people have their
policies forwarded to their offices, or their lawyer's
offices.

So the 'mail' argument is crap.

It is child's play to go to a bank, open an account
in your name, and your address is the one on the
account.

So the bank account argument is crap.

It is very easy to create various trust funds.
Whether it is buy ten shares of Google in your
name on behalf of the child, or making investments
through a broker.

So all the arguments as to why he didn't don't work.

I can tell you of a case in which between the DNA test
and the Results all the property was divided up among
his wife and children...including the business which moved
from his name to becoming a Company in which he, his
wife, his two big sons were shareholders.

In that particular case, after all assests were moved to
the family, the mistress then went to take the husband
to court.

He received a small weekly salary from the business and
it was only that money which the mistress could get a
portion of.

Hence, three months ago he was a millionaire, when the
court sent it's investigators, he was lower middle class.

Your child can't get what the husband doesn't own.

All Mistresses live in hope and the dream he'll come back
until they reach court and his lawyer takes charge and
it becomes rather evident exactly where his loyalties lie.

I wouldn't mind to be proven wrong in your case.
I wouldn't mind at all if he left his wife and returned to
you. I've never seen it happen, so there's always a
first time.

[Drama28]

Sick

I just feel sick inside when I think about this! Tinkerbell930 thanks for being one of the very few glimers of hope that I have left. Kaylar, I really hope that you are wrong this time. I don't mean to sound dumb or overly optimistic, trust me, I am neither. I have also seen others in my type of situation but none of which was the man so close and emotionally connected with the mistress. I had a friend who had a 6-9month affair with a married co-worker that said his wife was severly anorexic and that he was only staying for his 11 year old kid, ect. But, the main difference is that they only flirted at work and like once a week or so he would come over for like 2 hours and they would have sex. That was pretty much it. He never talked to her openly, he never spent real time with her, and when it was over there was no real reason. My senario is different, 3 years, extremely close emotionally and physically, we spent hours just talking about everything from the weather to deep thoughts about our families and our pasts, and the only reason that it has seemed to "end" for now is that he finally was going to tell his wife to be with me, but I guess he chickened out when she cried! I really don't know if I can handle the thought of you being right. Even when I think of having to go to court and being there with the 2 of them makes me want to throw up! If things haven't changed, like him trying to come back and talk to me at least, by then I don't think I can look at him without crying and I certainly can't look at her because I think I might try to choke her! What am I supposed to do now? Help.................

[kaylar]

There is nothing you can do right now.
You just have to relax and go on with your
life as if nothing has happened.

Try to enjoy what you have, think about the
future without him.

REgardless of how this turns out, you have to
look about yourself and your child. So if you
never see him again or he moves in with you
tomorrow, you still have to look after yourself
and your child.

No one lives your life for you.
No one is responsible for your happiness or security
but yourself.
So get yourself into first gear.

He is not the only man in the world, and you don't
need a man to survive. Let it all go for now.

If he's made a fool of you, well, that's gone.
If he is going to come back to you, well that's future.
You live in the present.

Do what is right now.
Think only an hour ahead for now.

Eventually you work up to four hours, then a day,
but just...what do you have to do within the next
hour?

Sitting around crying doesn't clean the bathroom.
Feeling sorry for yourself doesn't put dinner on the
table.

Just limit your world to immediates for now.

[Drama28]

I just wanna give up.

I have no idea how to deal with this. It is litterally killing me. I know you said to take it one moment at a time because crying doesn't clean the bathroom, but have you ever personally gone through this? I can hardly deal with then next five minutes because thoughts about him keep flooding my brain! I am so angry and upset that he can just seem to go on without us as if we never really existed! I am here dying inside and he is at work or with his "real" family doing whatever he is doing. If he really loves us it must be killing him inside too, but just thinking that isn't good enough. I need to know he cares, at least a little. I feel like the biggest piece of **** because I feel like my life is so unimportant. (How could you do this to someone you claim to be in love with??? I know the thought of leaving his wife of 30 years is horrifying, especailly financially, he said it himself, but why on earth would you be so heartless and not even talk to me after the fact? Are you that scared to see me cry?? Does that hurt you to see that I am real and have feelings too?? Is is just easier to run and pretend that it never happened? I wish I could do the same, but I can't! I am a woman with deep emotions and a little girl who looks just like you everyday! I can't pretend my relationship with you never happened, frankly I don't want to. I don't regret it, and I'm sure part of you doesn't either, but you are a coward and I am so mad about it! You need to wake up and realize what you have done to us! I either need you or real closure! This isn't fair and it isn't okay in any way! You get to go on with your life just fine and I sit and stew in the misery I call my life now! Everything I see and do reminds me of you! You have more clean shirts at my house than I do! All the things you gave me, the things you said to me, the things we did together, and your beautiful daughters face! I can't escape that!!) Sorry I went on a rant to him just now, but I am so emotional I can't function! Any other suggestions? I need help and can't seem to find it! I am trying so hard to keep it moment to moment, but that isn't even cutting it. I dreamt about him last night and it was so real that it woke me up because I heard his beautiful southern accent in his voice. Then I just realized it was all a dream and cried. I just want answers, from him. I can't do this......

[kaylar]

Mourning


You are in the 'mourning' period. Just as if your husband
had died. The diff. is, you won't be getting condolences.

Stop thinking that he is crying over you. Stop thinking
he is suffering. This will only lure you back into false
hope.

One of the tricks to stop thinking about him I mentioned
in another post.

Find something to look at; a tree, a plant, anything
neutral. As soon as you start to think of him, look
at the diversion. Tell yourself to stop thinking about him.
He couldn't care less about you while you look at it.

Whatever you need to tell yourself to turn your sadness
to anger, do it.
Then go and clean the bathroom.

When you first start your diversionary, it seems silly
or useless, but over time, it will begin to redirect your
feelings of sadness/mourning/worthlessness into anger.

The basic stages are grief/mourning/anger/tolerance/
indifference. You want to move to anger as fast as
you can.

You want to be able to see incidents in the past in
a new light.

The reason he hasn't brought closure by telling you
to your face is not simply because he's a coward,
it's because he might need you to 'dangle' for awhile,
or you meant so little to him, you're not worth the
thought.

In fact, the only thought he might be having of you
is how to make sure you get as little maintenace as
possible.

Don't be surprised if everything he owned last month
is put in his wife/'real' children's name.

Don't be surprised if one day you find out he and his
family have relocated.

You are still hanging on to the belief that he loves
you. He might have loved having the relationship,
but you and your child were never real to him.

[Drama28]

Worse than a death...

How the hell do I get over "mourning" and get mad when I don't know what is going on??? This to me is much worse than a death in many ways! First of all, I have no closure because I have no answers. It is not like somebody had cancer or was in a car accident and I know why and that it isn't my fault. Second, nobody is dead, there is no real "end" to things. It seems only my life is over, not anyone elses, but nobody is mourning over me. Third, I didn't get to say good-bye, I know sometimes when people die you don't get to say good-bye either, but at least there is a funeral or grave or something to go to and feel closer to them one last time. Fourth, I will eventually have to see him again because of our little girl. I know we will see in court and then after that when he has visitation, at least if they let me see him even for a brief moment while picking her up or droping her off. How do you get over someone as if they were dead when the thought of them haunts you every second of every day and you will have to see them for the rest of your life?!?!? I am mad, I just can't get over the first part yet because I still do have a little hope. What you said about us "never being real to him" just made me cry. How could that possibly be true? I can't believe that and won't until I get more answers. I know that is probably stupid, and maybe my answers will just come in a month or so when he hasn't contacted me and we are in court, but at least that will be something I guess. He was so close to our baby and saw her like every other day, I just can't imagine him being okay with not seeing her until after court stuff which could take months! I can't deal with this, I really can't.

[kaylar]

If I lived in the US, I'd be over to your house like
yesterday.

As I said, if your husband had died you'd get
condolenses and have closure.

It is hard to accept you were living a lie, but
as each hour passes, it becomes clearer, and
you have to realise a lot of what you thought
was true was only role playing.

He's not a child whose Mommy locked him in
his room. He's a big man. He can dial a phone,
he can send an e-mail all by himself.

He hadn't done that, has he.

You will probably continue in 'hope' until you
see that distant stranger in court who pays
more attention to the clerk than to you.

If he were sixteen and his parents forbid him
to see you or call you, well, what could he do?

But he's a big man and if he wanted to, he
could call you. He could see you. He doesn't
want to. He's hiding behind his family.

If you went over there, he'd send them out
to prevent you coming in. He's not a victim
here, you are.

Don't you realise no one is 'keeping him' from
seeing you? He chooses not to. Unless he's
a cripple and they hid his wheelchair, he is
perfectly capable of making up his own mind.

I bet he told his wife how you run him down,
and how you were blackmailing him, etc. You'll
hear all about it in court.

Then you'll feel even more foolish for crying
over him.

In a month or so you'll realise how little you
mean to him. How little your child means to
him.

And if you get on hysterical and all sorts of
clingy, they might rule you're an unfit mother.

A client of mine came home to find her husband
on top of the baby sitter, grabbed the kids and
ran out, hysterical.

There were three little ones, and the big one
wandered away.

She went to the police station where she was
charged for Child Endangerment and Neglect
and her children were taken away from her.

I come into the story after all this.

After she sees her husband banging the
babysitter. After she became hysterical.
After she ran out. After she lost the child
for a few minutes, after she was locked up.

She was the victim, and was painted as the
crazy lady.

Don't let them do that to you. Don't let your
emotions rule you.

[Drama28]

I wish I knew the future.

Thanks again for trying to help. I know I am prob. just in denial that he really loves me and just is confused. I'm sure if he doesn't call and I just see him at court I will lose my mind. I am trying so hard not to be the "crazy" person, ya know? I just can't believe this! I am not coping with this well at all and I know that time will heal, but it isn't going fast enough! If I could just see him and talk to him face to face I would feel so much better. If I don't ever get that then so be it, but if he plans on seeing his daughter they better let him see and talk to me or he can forget that! She is "ours" not "theirs" and I refuse to be left out when it comes to her well-being! I just hope either he comes to his senses or court comes fast before I have another mental breakdown!

[kaylar]

Closure


What's driving you nuts is that he didn't
have the balls to tell you he was finished
to your face, but sent others.

This allows you to concoct fantasies in
which he's being held prisoner by his
vicious wife and psychotic daughter
and you have to 'rescue' him.

In fact, this 3rd party dump is a hallmark
of such relationships.

[Drama28]

Can't give up...

Today I feel a bit better. At least for now. I can't give up...yet. I still think there is a bit of hope, my relationship wasn't your typical affair. Anyway, I hope you guys are still here for me even though I haven't moved on. I am just trying to make it moment to moment and see what happens next. Only time will tell...