[effy2014]

Ugh. Woken up with eyes like a hayfeverish frog. Thanks guys. I really don't think I'm such a great person though.
Atskitty the shaking was extreme anxiety.
I gave him a hug and told him how sorry I was for abusing his trust and belittling his feelings ( I said he was overreacting)...today he is at least speaking to me.
Now if anyone can help me work out how to bring up couples counselling again in a nonconfrontational way, then I'd be grateful.we need to sort out such things amicably and currently do not have the right dynamics for that unaided.....

In my view, the only way to bring it up without being confrontational is in the context of helping you, not him. Perhaps tell him that couples therapy will help you to not only see his side of things but also to help you see how to compromise to support him better. A good couples therapist will keep him engaged long enough to show him how he might compromise as well.

[atskitty2]

I think, even when we've wronged someone, it doesn't give them authority to treat us disrespectfully and use it against us mentally.

SA, I think you misunderstand the point of her attending counseling sessions - it's for her to work out her issues, not just convince her to leave him. If she ever leaves, she should still continue counseling (in my opinion) to work through her own issues. I think she's stated (somewhere) she's been in counseling for years - so if she leaves this man, her counsel will hopefully not end there. My hope is that, rather than focusing so much effort on this failing relationship, she could focus more time on her own issues & avoid the cycles of dysfunction in the future. Leaving HIM isn't going to solve the real problem of her lack of self-worth (in my opinion). She doesn't believe she deserves better than this.

[atskitty2]

^Calibri - sorry to talk about you there, as if you aren't in the room

[calibri~]

Eh no problem atskitty, I appreciate you describing your view of my situation in a more eloquent way than I am capable of today. Oh my! What grossly jarring syntax of mine.

Effy. I don't know how you got to be so wise, but thank you. I will try that tact now that I have demonstrated without a doubt, an inability to see things from SOs view or consider his feelings as highly as I should :/. It is somehing I have tried to work on but seem unable to deal with without the appropriate environment.

[calibri~]

Somehow a relatively calm conversation happened. I now understand that to SO, sending a fb message is the same as a text message or phone call...I'd never do that, I just see social media or email in a different light. I have, in light of the above, suggested therapy together so that we can work on my ability to see things from his point of view etc....so far he has got angry (cos he thought I was saying HE needed therapy..
), then calmed down and I've asked him to think about it. I'll ask again in a couple of days.

[jen1447]

What am I supposed to do?

Give me his e-mail or phone number or your address lol. I'm sorry calibri but this guy is a total ****ing ******* and he needs to get his *** kicked - either figuratively or literally. I think I've said that before tho, so ....

Anyway I'll just go back to the start and tell you what I think and would do. Yes it's okay to friend exes on FB (assuming they're friends). I'm FB friends with many of my exes. If my BF had serious issues with that (he has none at all) that he addressed respectfully with me and that I didn't think I could reassure him out of and that I found compelling, I'd probably unfriend the exes with an explanation and my apologies. If my BF "ordered" or "instructed" or "directed" me to unfriend them, I'd go around finding and friending every lover I've ever had in my life, flirt with them openly on FB, and leave my FB open for BF to see.

[waynebarnett847]

If you don't have feelings in him, it's okay to be friends with him in Facebook, but if he don't like you to belong his friends list. So, you must to unfriend him in your Facebook.

[calibri~]

Thanks jen. When I finally got through to my mum on the phone she told me to kick his (oh I can't use that word for donkey huh?) out of my flat. At least there seems to be a divide about views on this topic, ranging from he should leave me for betraying his trust, to I should chuck him out for controlling etc.

I think that poor communication lead to misunderstanding....he thought the original request was perfectly polite and reasonable. I did not.

Thanks for your input Wayne.

[Something_Awesome]

Calibri, he better at least be hot as heck for putting you through all of this. Not that that's a valid excuse...

[Motorguy]

Years ago SO found I was Facebook friends with an ex, he then forced me to unfriend them. A couple of years later I readded them and SO just found out. He's really angry that I " lied" to him and "went behind his back". I don't see the big deal. I have no intention of chasing after this ex, it's just after being in a relationship you kind of care what happens to that person even though you are in no way romantically involved. Am I totally out of order here?

Tell your husband or new boy friend to get off his high horse and put his big boy boxer on and let it be. My wife has a Facebook account and has a couple ex's as friends. I am not in the at least worry she going to leave me for them. Your new guy is so insecure in his life with you.So if he doesn't like it tell him to kiss your *** grow up.