[calibri~]

Wrote lengthy reply but it dissolved on posting...

Bottom line, don't jump on tjm for having an opinion, I appreciate the defense but it's kind of interesting to hear from people who think like my SO. Play nicely kids or I'll ask to have the thread closed.

[jen1447]

I'm not jumping on that guy for having an opinion hon, I'm jumping on anyone who has an opinion that ends up harming you, and that's any of them that say you've done something wrong or should feel guilty. You haven't and you shouldn't. I understand you want to look at all sides, but this one's really one-sided.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I feel guilty over:
Considering ending relationship
Talking to people about the above
Hurting people
Being selfish
Being imperfect
Being lazy
Being paranoid
Taking things for granted
Hiding things (described in thread)
Having SO move into my place only to consider turfing him out
Being unhappy with SO
Not compromising enough
Not caring enough
Just generally.....choosing not to be a good enough a person.

I've upset SO, I'm scared of losing him.

The more someone puts you down the more you believe them.. Not caring enough, not a good enough person, not compromising enough.

Yet, then there is this. You are your own person right? You should be able to do what you want to do with your life, we only live once. No one has the right to demand or tell you what you can or can not do. Relationships that are "meant to be" have trust involved.

If your SO has issues with trust, issues with losing people, issues with controlling people, issues with putting people down so that he makes the rules so that they stay in his world that's his problem.

I think your Councellor is worried that you still blame yourself for everything and you don't love yourself enough. Let that person get your strength up and find "you". You should not feel guilty of "hiding things" in a world where you shouldn't have to hide anything, rather, just be yourself and in that, a partner joins you.

I feel for you over this but I really think you are beating yourself up. Take some deep breathes and realise you are worth "everything" and don't need to be told what you can and can't do, be put down, or controlled.

I know it takes time but I'm glad you are here venting and working through it all... You're a beautiful person and don't forget that.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I'm not jumping on that guy for having an opinion hon, I'm jumping on anyone who has an opinion that ends up harming you, and that's any of them that say you've done something wrong or should feel guilty. You haven't and you shouldn't. I understand you want to look at all sides, but this one's really one-sided.

And we admire that in you Jenn, protecting, excepting people have a right to their own opinion here that is what makes a Forum, this Forum and if the OP as she has stated, likes to get different sides of people's thoughts then that's a good thing in my opinion as how else to you way up your options mentally as to how you personally feel or see things.

I saw nothing wrong with that post. Chances are that the poster will realise the OP is not married and read the entire thread instead of reading the bits and pieces that that poster personally would not like within a relationship. Had he read the whole thread or all of the OP's threads / posts or at least a few I imagine he wouldn't have commented in the way in which he did.

So let's leave it as the OP has requested as I feel she needs this thread and I certainly don't want to be asked by her to close it.

[effy2014]

And we admire that in you Jenn, protecting, excepting people have a right to their own opinion here that is what makes a Forum, this Forum and if the OP as she has stated, likes to get different sides of people's thoughts then that's a good thing in my opinion as how else to you way up your options mentally as to how you personally feel or see things.

I saw nothing wrong with that post. Chances are that the poster will realise the OP is not married and read the entire thread instead of reading the bits and pieces that that poster personally would not like within a relationship. Had he read the whole thread or all of the OP's threads / posts or at least a few I imagine he wouldn't have commented in the way in which he did.

Everyone has the right to post their opinions just as we have the right (or obligation) to reply to a poster's comments. None of it was mean spirited just as the poster's comment was not mean spirited. However, it is important to get the facts straight.

We all get called out on comments that may be misinformed. DreamP and I are having a spirited discussion on polyamory. If anyone feels that comments treat the OP too harshly, s/he should feel free to chime in.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

If anyone feels that comments treat the OP too harshly, s/he should feel free to chime in.

Absolutely, hence why I highlighted Jen's comment. I wasn't directing it at her I can see why you think I was as I highlighted her comment, sorry Jen

I was making a statement as the OP felt compelled to suggest she may shut the Thread down and I feel she needs her thread where it is.

[calibri~]

now I have a ew mins to reply to all of you lovely strange people.

Jen - Haha, I bet you would call him up and give him hell but remember I DO love this guy despite all the crappiness, so I'd rather he wasn't totally reduced to tatters!! Plus as a person n the internet who posts in forums, you automatically have no respect from my SO because he would assume that you were a lonely male sexual predator preying on weak or vulnerable women online (thats what he thinks most of the internet is about).

tjm - I've thought over your response. I do not think that it is up for debate whether the being fb friends with my ex behind my SOs back was ok...clearly it was not. My original question and post title was seeking a general hypothetical situation - because I don't know the ettiquette for social media etc. In addition, Yes I am very stubborn - I also have the misfortune of believing that this a good quality rather than a flaw.

effy, thanks for clarifying some things on my behalf.

Jen - you are such a defensive warrior woman and I really do feel a bit stronger that I have your virtual support, even though obviously I dont actually know you. I asked for other people's opinions to be slightly more considerately discussed because I know how I would feel if I found out that my SO had taken on an alias and posted here...( not that he would!). Reading your reply in my defense was actually really touching (and possibly justified), but in my experience, telling people who have a strikingly different or inappropriate or ill-informed attitude that they are wrong and should be ashamed usually does nothing other than cause hostility where perhaps before, there was none.

Chandlers wish - thanks - yep, i feel like im being worn down into submission over a lot of topics or as my mum puts it - he is clipping my wings. Thank you so much for your kind and thoght-provoking words. I try to accept and love myself but I find it difficult to see the line between self-loving and selfish...and while im being accused of selfishness its almost impossible to feel that assertion or self-assurance is ok.

i appreciate having somewhere to vent and hearing people's opinions or input - don't worry, Im not going to take everything that everyone says as gospel truth. sometimes words sting, but in those cases it usually makes me think about the psychology behind that reaction.

PS. SO bought me a cute cover for my paperwhite kindle, and fitted it while I was out of the room, so I came back to the surprise (took ages to find it in the dark as I wasnt looking for a case...)

[Motorguy]

Not the grammar I would use but EXACTLY how I feel!! I wonder what makes the devide between people who think like us, and those who think it's OK to dictate to and distrust your partner to the point of paranoia? (I already had a whinge about being accused of doing things to purposefully hurt my SO....I see this latest outburst, especially the outright questioning of my fidelity, when the worst I ever did was kiss some other guy once many many years ago while unbelievably drunk, unacceptable in a relationship). At the very least, I think I need a third party that he at least vaguely respects, to explain that sometimes when he's acting all high and mighty, that maybe, just maybe, he's being a bit of a jerk...

My point exactly Calibri my self and my wife had pass relationship that is a given. But I trust my wife as she trust me being friends with someone you used to date is a long shot from sleeping with that person. I never had to question my wife about a friend or pass lover thinking she getting back with that guy that never cross my mind and 27 years in a marriage if that's any proof of that as well. I am glad you can see this boy friend was way out of line to control you in this matter and had no right to do so from where i sit. On top of this all your boy friend being paranoia not counting as you would say a jerk can't be any plainer then that kind of showing his dominance over you it's his way or the highway. I sure hope you took the highway with this fellow.

[Motorguy]

now I have a ew mins to reply to all of you lovely strange people.

Jen - Haha, I bet you would call him up and give him hell but remember I DO love this guy despite all the crappiness, so I'd rather he wasn't totally reduced to tatters!! Plus as a person n the internet who posts in forums, you automatically have no respect from my SO because he would assume that you were a lonely male sexual predator preying on weak or vulnerable women online (thats what he thinks most of the internet is about).

tjm - I've thought over your response. I do not think that it is up for debate whether the being fb friends with my ex behind my SOs back was ok...clearly it was not. My original question and post title was seeking a general hypothetical situation - because I don't know the ettiquette for social media etc. In addition, Yes I am very stubborn - I also have the misfortune of believing that this a good quality rather than a flaw.

effy, thanks for clarifying some things on my behalf.

Jen - you are such a defensive warrior woman and I really do feel a bit stronger that I have your virtual support, even though obviously I dont actually know you. I asked for other people's opinions to be slightly more considerately discussed because I know how I would feel if I found out that my SO had taken on an alias and posted here...( not that he would!). Reading your reply in my defense was actually really touching (and possibly justified), but in my experience, telling people who have a strikingly different or inappropriate or ill-informed attitude that they are wrong and should be ashamed usually does nothing other than cause hostility where perhaps before, there was none.

Chandlers wish - thanks - yep, i feel like im being worn down into submission over a lot of topics or as my mum puts it - he is clipping my wings. Thank you so much for your kind and thoght-provoking words. I try to accept and love myself but I find it difficult to see the line between self-loving and selfish...and while im being accused of selfishness its almost impossible to feel that assertion or self-assurance is ok.

i appreciate having somewhere to vent and hearing people's opinions or input - don't worry, Im not going to take everything that everyone says as gospel truth. sometimes words sting, but in those cases it usually makes me think about the psychology behind that reaction.

PS. SO bought me a cute cover for my paperwhite kindle, and fitted it while I was out of the room, so I came back to the surprise (took ages to find it in the dark as I wasnt looking for a case...)

I see you are another Kindle user I have many in my household lol. Well Calibri, that the beauty of this site to come get stuff off your chest.Get idea's from others who either are living it or can think outside the box. That are not dealing with these type of issue but can give good advice on how to deal with it. Sometimes being so close you get blinders on and can't see what go's on without advice from a third party. We all glad here to be able to help with this situation you was having Calibri, good luck and god bless.

[SpicyV]

I would say that it's totally ok to be friends on FB and otherwise. I have a few ex's that I am friends with. Not telling him about it is a different story. I haven't read all the replies so I don't know if you have been asked but is he friends with any of his ex's? Some men seem to think there is this standard that they can have friendships with women but women can't have friendships with men.