[Motorguy]

I have just defriended the ex again on SOs request. SO broke the silence with anger. He is very hurt, to the point that I think he might leave me. Over something so stupid(Facebook)....but so intrinsic (trust)...he accused me of having an affair etc. I'm so hurt....but I don't get to be hurt here because its my fault.

Your current man has some really some serous insecurities in his life. Now he saying he may leave you over this nothing your fault the worse you didn't keep this ex defriended big deal. Your man is having the issue not you Calibri, I am seeing you not standing up for your self tell him flat out it's a friend that is it and to get over it period.

[calibri~]

Haha you guys are great! Something awesome.... I think you would probably have a look of puzzlement if you saw a photo of me and my SO together!! I don't often think about it this way, but I hope I'm hot enough to compensate for the amount of crazy I own....I won't comment on SO. Believe it or not I fell for his personality (when we shared a lot of negative, pessimistic and destructive values). I feel like a different person now and I hope a better one.

Ah motorguy it's nice to know there are trusting men out there...SO would have me believe you are all a sex of controlling, jealous, but emotionally unstable narcissists!

Incidentally I'm doing quite a bit of reading about narcissists....its fascinating (but terrifyingly familiar)

[Motorguy]

Thanks jen. When I finally got through to my mum on the phone she told me to kick his (oh I can't use that word for donkey huh?) out of my flat. At least there seems to be a divide about views on this topic, ranging from he should leave me for betraying his trust, to I should chuck him out for controlling etc.

I think that poor communication lead to misunderstanding....he thought the original request was perfectly polite and reasonable. I did not.

Thanks for your input Wayne.

That's good listen to your mother Calibri they know best.This is your place he staying at.Then by all means kick his *** to the curb today with his attitude towards you. This just completely wrong from him period, this is saying he don't trust you and if there no trust in a relationship then it's done break the tie now I say good luck on your decision.

[Motorguy]

Haha you guys are great! Something awesome.... I think you would probably have a look of puzzlement if you saw a photo of me and my SO together!! I don't often think about it this way, but I hope I'm hot enough to compensate for the amount of crazy I own....I won't comment on SO. Believe it or not I fell for his personality (when we shared a lot of negative, pessimistic and destructive values). I feel like a different person now and I hope a better one.

Ah motorguy it's nice to know there are trusting men out there...SO would have me believe you are all a sex of controlling, jealous, but emotionally unstable narcissists!

Incidentally I'm doing quite a bit of reading about narcissists....its fascinating (but terrifyingly familiar)

Well thank you Calibri for those kind words, I trust my wife she trust me after 27 years. I have no reason not to not trust my wife. Like I said before if you don't have trust in your marriage or relationship then you both are cooked right from the start. Well I hope to read your soon to be ex needs to get a life and grow up in my book. Because many would agree you did nothing wrong he's the one with the serous insecurity issue not you.

[Motorguy]

If you don't have feelings in him, it's okay to be friends with him in Facebook, but if he don't like you to belong his friends list. So, you must to unfriend him in your Facebook.

I completely disagree with your statement. This is saying you have no trust to your spouse or girl friend/boy friend then. Plus what right does that person have who you can be friends with that's not right at all. That like saying you trying to own someone or who they can be social networking with all the time then you you have no TRUST!!!!!

[calibri~]

That like saying you trying to own someone or who they can be social networking with all the time then you you have no TRUST!!!!!

Not the grammar I would use but EXACTLY how I feel!! I wonder what makes the devide between people who think like us, and those who think it's OK to dictate to and distrust your partner to the point of paranoia? (I already had a whinge about being accused of doing things to purposefully hurt my SO....I see this latest outburst, especially the outright questioning of my fidelity, when the worst I ever did was kiss some other guy once many many years ago while unbelievably drunk, unacceptable in a relationship). At the very least, I think I need a third party that he at least vaguely respects, to explain that sometimes when he's acting all high and mighty, that maybe, just maybe, he's being a bit of a jerk...

[tjm0824]

Years ago SO found I was Facebook friends with an ex, he then forced me to unfriend them. A couple of years later I readded them and SO just found out. He's really angry that I " lied" to him and "went behind his back". I don't see the big deal. I have no intention of chasing after this ex, it's just after being in a relationship you kind of care what happens to that person even though you are in no way romantically involved. Am I totally out of order here?

First of all, I think asking a bunch of strangers if it's "ok" to do something in your marriage that your HUSBAND has already stated he's not ok with is just being stubborn and refusing to listen to the answer you already got. With that said, what you should be asking on this forum, imo, is whether or not others find your actions deceitful and whether or not others would be bothered by what you did. Because, after reading your post, it seems like you don't see it as him being justified by being upset. There is no need for quotes...you DID lie, and you DID go behind his back. Perhaps there have been other things in your marriage where you've demonstrated that you will be deceitful if you don't agree with his feelings. Trust can be earned, and it can be lost. You're upset that he doesn't trust you yet at the same time you acted deceitful? Seems to me that you need to start looking in the mirror. If you feel that strongly about having the ex as a fb friend then don't tell your husband you are ok with deleting him. Maybe he'll start to trust you a little.

[jen1447]

I'll be the third party but by the time I'm done with him he'll be about 10% of the man he thinks he is. Seriously, PM me for e-mail and I'll talk to the **** sucker.

p.s. - also your relationship will be over but that's what you really need here anyway.

[effy2014]

First of all, I think asking a bunch of strangers if it's "ok" to do something in your marriage that your HUSBAND has already stated he's not ok with is just being stubborn and refusing to listen to the answer you already got. With that said, what you should be asking on this forum, imo, is whether or not others find your actions deceitful and whether or not others would be bothered by what you did. Because, after reading your post, it seems like you don't see it as him being justified by being upset. There is no need for quotes...you DID lie, and you DID go behind his back. Perhaps there have been other things in your marriage where you've demonstrated that you will be deceitful if you don't agree with his feelings. Trust can be earned, and it can be lost. You're upset that he doesn't trust you yet at the same time you acted deceitful? Seems to me that you need to start looking in the mirror. If you feel that strongly about having the ex as a fb friend then don't tell your husband you are ok with deleting him. Maybe he'll start to trust you a little.

Wow, tjm, that is rather harsh. The days of women as chattel are long over and women can certainly use this forum to ask what other people think about any circumstance in their lives and whether their partner overreacted. If you had read this and other posts by Calibri, you would have known that she is not married, the person was her SO and that he overreacts to most everything. While it is understandable that he felt lied to, his reaction was certainly not proportionate. Had she asked YOUR question, I would have responded that, of the magnitudes of "deceit", what she did was relatively minor and was certainly not substantial enough for her SO's or your reaction.

[jen1447]

Agree with effy here ....I hope everyone who chimes in saying "you deceived him and you should feel guilty!" realizes they're talking to a person who's seemingly in a borderline abusive relationship with little personal ability to extract herself at this point.