[thack]

lol, so 30 posts eh,

just chilling right now, trying to be calm after her spiking me up a bit, talking with an old friend who's sadly been through 2 divorces, but they were physically damaging to her, so i do not blame her for getting out of them.

I am just trying to get up to where i need to be mentally. So i can kind of separate from it while I am here.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Yeah that's important, for where you are definately.

Women have a way of being "spiteful" - men can be "os", same... but we are good at it, shhh don't tell anyone.

It's good to talk to others, don't forget us haha.

UM 33 i believe.....

Sleep well.

CW

[thack]

yeah, chicks can be mean and cruel, and yeah, guys can take it way to far in one direction.

but, with her doing that, i really dont feel anything right now, its kind of weird. I dont feel hurt, i dont feel much love for her thats for sure.

I just look forward to seeing my son at this point.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

If I was to read into that "was to", I would be thinking this:-

Your son is the up-most, for-most person in your life ( I stated that here in another post remember? )

And, that ideally, you wanted the "marriage" to go back on track, the (3) of you...

But, if what she said can make you feel "empty", "no love" then you have already gone through the angry and hurt.

It is possible, that you were striving for a "thing" and not so much her, but rather the belief in marriage and family.

It is possible, that over time, each time, you have tried to draw the past out of her and have not been able to that, it has taken some of that love away, to the point where it is not her you want at all, as i said, rather "marriage/family" in what you believe in.

If not, then you are "emotionally completely drained" and past trying any further and don't want to.... empty....

It is strange when we go back to the beginning of this thread to now...

I am tending to think you were wanting the marriage/family and that you kind of gave up on her along time ago because she refuses to let you in, and allow it to be a marraige...

And, that's okay.

The hurting may have been going on for way to long that you don't have any more to produce.

Just thinking out loud.........

CW

[thack]

I really and truly did have a lot of love for her, as well as the hopes and dreams of a happy healthy family. I will always love her, well, have love for her. But after everything that she has done, I do not think i could ~"love"~ her any more. especially after a friend of mine today emailed me a link from the yahoo personals,

yup, she's got a personal ad up all ready, looking for my replacement, so glad we have a 1 year old and own a house. It disappoints me and breaks my heart at the same time, some people have no decency in them, as well as no honor.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Ouch.

So Sorry Thack.

I guess, you know to keep that link, and print it out hey. Especially, when she has accused you of mis-treating her, or what ever she has stated, as to why she won't let you email. I sense that things may get nasty later and you need to start keeping your own "logs" of sorts.

Yahoo/My-Space - seems she has been chatting away a bit on those sites, perhaps making "friends".....

CW

[thack]

O I do not doubt that, I am sure she has re-engaged all of her old boyfriends or anyone who made an impression on her.

She actually kinda told me that she was trying to meet new people today in email conversation, I just simply replied with "I understand your personal life is now your personal life, but we are still legally married - even if we aren't emotionally attached, and we have to be able to interact for the rest of our lives since we have a son together, so don't do anything that would show disrespect to me, and I will in return, offer you the same."

I am trying to keep the heat down in the conversation, we are on our 44'th email now, so its been going on for a while, just talking about furniture and trivial bull . I will not talk custody or finances through email. all though at least there is a record.

She also told me her lawyer filed the "starting separation date" as the date I deployed, so IF all the paperwork lines up, and she doesn't try to take me for everything, this could be over and legal by oct7th... kind of a shock. But its at this point where I cannot stop it, I cannot do anything to bring her back, and truthfully I do not think I want to. Not after how she was and still is being. At least she sent me some new pictures of my son today. That was the high point.

[thack]

So, this was a little out of the ordinary, I just had a 54 email conversation with her.

I emailed her informing her of some finance , and then just added this on the end "you got time to chat casually?"

and she responded with sure, "why not."

Now what developed over the next 54 emails, she is still trying to do what we had sorta semi discussed a long time ago, to be civil if we get divorced. I mentioned her going out with friends a lot and keeping other men out of the picture for now as just a show of "respect" for me. I told her to look at it from my perspective, as if she was the one deployed and not wanting the divorce, and that she needed to focus on the civility of the divorce and the welfare of our son more than she did a new boyfriend to [censored] with the whole thing. (yeah, us guys [censored] things up when we think we are helping sometimes, i know)

She said her personal life was her personal life, and i responded with, yes i know but until its all legal its still legally wrong. and that if she wasnt focused on this, that i would not even look at any paperwork and this whole thing would not be over with until may of next year, where as if she focuses on this, and really wants it to be civil and fair, that we could come to an agreement of sorts by then im sure, and keep this from dragging out any longer than it had to, and saving her lots of lawyer fees.

We talked about furniture, finances, and finally the big one, custody.

initially i was furious, because she used the word "sole" when we had agreed on joint long ago. I explained to her, sole custody means that I give up certain rights and privileges if not all of my son and I would not stand for that. I said, I want to be his father, not just the guy who sends the check.

She responded with "its just what my lawyer suggested since you deploy a lot, he said it was easier"

I then told her that sole custody was used in situations where it was dangerous for the child to be with the other person, and there was absolutely no reason for that. I wanted joint custody with a liberal visitation clause so that we can have unscheduled times with him allowing for us to play unexpected situations by ear as well as having the scheduled visits and times with either of us.

She said thats what she wanted to, that she wanted him to know me, grow with me, and learn from me for the rest of his life, she did not want to keep me from seeing him either. and that she would make sure thats what was going on in the paperwork.

I said, if i get paperwork with sole written in it, i will enact the soldiers and sailors relief act and not even negotiate things until i am home, and with my lawyer and we would go from there, which means that nothing gets done this year. so, she seems to want this done pretty quick (probably so she can go hang out with that new guy in her life, glad i made an impression on her but w/e) so I stand by my word, JOINT or nothing. flat out, I agreed to what i agreed on a long time ago, did not back out on that, discussed some furniture issues, nothing major, and overall the emails went well.

It ended up with me scheduling to call this weekend to talk to my son at 11am on sunday. (which is nice, i dont have to get up at 3am to talk to him on the week day's)

SO, overall it was a decent day, I got to talk to my son at the babysitters house (it was awesome, the only word he said was dada) and then sit and talk to my -soon to be Xwife- civilly and get some things that were probably up in the air grounded a little bit and remove some of the unknown. IF she holds to that, I can forsee this being a non-destructive divorce.

so thats where Iam, there is no salvaging this, and realisticaly, I dont want to any more. I have lost a lot of respect for the woman, and i cannot trust her (o which was something she tried to use in defense of the sole custody, that i could trust her to make sure i got to see my son as much as i wanted . . . just that, leave my relationship with my son on trusting the woman who lied about [censored] to divorce me?? no thanks. I love and care for my son too much. I will not be a deadbeat dad that meets him on his 18th birthday and says, HI SON!

so, less and less anxiety, less and less emotional distress, I actually have been able to breathe this past week, even with the threat of paperwork being sent, as if its a threat. lol.

just wanted to share that with you guys.

[Guest]

First things first. Thank you for your service to our country!

Second, god speed and be safe over there.

I think you've done an admirable job keeping it so together while deployed. dont know where you are and dont wanna know specifically. But you need to make sure this doesnt wander into your ops. You may not notice it has, but your buds may. ask one and if he/she says it has, maybe you need to pull the trigger on the soldiers and sailors relief act and not deal with the crud until you are back.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Well, thanks for sharing.

I have no doubt you will "check" that paperwork thoroughly...

It seems that emotionally she has moved on, not sure about another "guy" but no doubt i sense that she has been at least "chatting/flirting away" for some time, in order to be so emotionally detached.

You deserve nothing but love... So, remember, you have that in your son and you will have that in your next relationship, as you are older, wiser now and so will the next lady be...

Keep us up-dated hey...

Thanks again for sharing.

CW