[thack]

So today, I am very very very unhappy.

She is cheating on me, yeah, i know we are not emotionally married right now, but the fact is, she is out with a guy from work, no telling how long its been going on, but I bet he and her started foolin around while I was gone in may.

2 friends of mine (girlfriends of guys i work with) went out with her on saturday night, (must be nice to have so much money to go out on, whining telling me she needs more money to pay bills *which i have not given, i itemized everything* as well as telling me she's not seeing anyone) and they said she introduced a guy as her "boyfriend" he's a smaller version of me. scronny version of me who seems to be super geeky according to the 2 women reporting this to me. I had the feeling in the back of my head. I begged them to start documenting everything, to start keeping track of it all, because I am putting up a fight for my son now, I will not be betrayed and then just roll over for it. I would gladly give up my current position to have my son in my life and away from her, I would be a desk jockey for the next 12 years in the army so that I could keep my son away from someone like that.

She then started to badmouth all military men, telling my 2 friends they needed to break off their relationships with the guys I work with, saying that we are worthless and they needed civilians.

my friends said that she's not her- she's more of a dumb high school girl who's lost her mind. She started talking about moving up near the guy's place that she's dating right now once i get home.

I am so furious and upset and confused all at once, I sat and cried for like 30min asking god what i did to deserve this. I have been a good man to her, I have done nothing but provided for her for the past 8 years of my life, I feel so crappy right now.

but yet, I know now, absolutely no guilt on my end, I was not the one who did wrong, I was not the one who was unfaithful in any sense, because I wondered what i did to put that in her head. but it was not me who did it. it was her, she only suspected me of it, because she was doing it.

I thought i could not feel any worse than i did in september, but man, today sure takes the cake. I am keeping quiet about it to her, i will not mention it at all that i know, i will just let my friends go out with her again and again and again, and i told them to document everything and email it to me as well. and tha ti would need them as character witnesses possibly.

any advice from anyone? I am lost in my heart right now. I need to get out, I cant cut these strings and they are strangling me.

[TWills32]

I am sorry to hear this. Honestly, from your previous posts, I had feelings she was cheating on you. Just by how defensive you described her as and how she would try to make YOU feel guilty. When you mentioned she called you and yelled at you about HPV, I guarantee she got it from another man and was feeling guilty about cheating, so she was trying to get you to confess to something.

My advice is absolutely make sure those friends of yours are documenting this. You will need proof for it in court when it comes time for the custody hearing. DON'T mention to her that you know and don't have her friends let her know that you know. Now if she is dumb enough during the divorce hearing to admit she is with someone else, that will work wonderfully in your favor. I don't know what state you live in, but here if you go to family court for anything, you have the same judge throughout any ordeal. From divorce to custody hearings. That would be in your favor. Keep up on paying for necessities for your child. Keep receipts whenever you buy him food, clothing, toys, ect.

Oh yeah, check her myspace and/or facebook pages. If it says anything about that guy being her boyfriend, print the pages. It will show that while you were married, she was having an affair.

Most importantly, talk to a lawyer. Get your proof, and take it to a lawyer. Your best advice in this matter is going to come from a lawyer.

I'm sorry again to hear this. I know sometimes I question why God does some things. Usually I realize it was for my own good, though. This relationship was not going to work for you, so God wanted to really show you that. Perhaps also make you work harder then ever for your son? Maybe to show you it was her cheating on you, and trying to make you somehow feel guilty for it. Remember, cheaters always cheat. She'll cheat on her new boyfriend eventually. If they stick together for a while. Just don't give up hope, and keep doing everything necessary to get your son.

[Little]

Take it to a PI. Cheating is against the UCMJ, given a few circumstances including making the military look bad and putting troops in danger.
I can't even respond coherently to what she's doing ... it's unthinkable.

[thack]

PI - private investigator ?

I emailed my lawyer all ready, thankfully he isn't charging me for anything right now since I am deployed and its mainly just a bunch of advice.

I told my friends not to let on that they released the info, I am awaiting their response. I have never EVER in a million years been as miserable and betrayed feeling as I am.

I don't know how the UCMJ applies to her, I know its a BIG issue if it was ME doing it, but since its not. . . I don't know what the military can do on that.

as stated, I am just awaiting my lawyer's response.

I have been asking god why all night, its 7am and I have not slept a wink, I have been looking for the guy on her myspace / facebook, he's not there, but I have her personal ad saved on my hard drive, and IF I see anything that looks interesting at all on either of thos pages, I will zapgrab it and save it too.

I am disappointed so badly in her, I thought I had a genuine woman, one who would be on my arm forever. My sister(aunt-grew up in the same house with her) her husband did this to her too, and then he tried to get back in her life once he realized that the grass wasnt greener, I now fear that day.

But for now, I am getting my finances in order, I want to save up about 10k by the time I get home so I can pay for a lawyer decently in a custody battle. I will not allow my son to grow up in a household with a woman like that, I will not allow it. I will take a hardship tour and NEVER deploy again if I have to, I will shuffle paperwork for the next 12 years if that is what it takes for me to get my son.

She thinks just because she sent off the "separation agreement" that she's free and clear to do as she wishes. And I hope and pray that my 2 friends will help, I asked them for help earlier and they would not, they did not want to lose either of us as friends, but I think they are seeing who they want to hang out with now. I asked them to endure and to write down / email me every single thing that they see. As painful as it will be to read it, I need it. I just pray god will let me have a clear head and a strong heart so that I can sleep and work the rest of the time I am here. I always feared being "the guy who got cheated on" during a deployment.

She is not a good woman, and she's showing it to me right now. But, I have no guilt, because I was a good man, and I still am. Nothing can change that... nothing.

I am remaining strong in my faith, and remaining focused on my son, I have so many friends offering me places to stay and help with child care (for free) if needed, it makes me feel good to know that they are offering to help me like that. I just feel like total #$%^ because of this.

She told me I broke her heart with that video game, well, I have a hole now where a heart once was. to put it into perspective.

[thack]

oh yeah, 1 more thing, not sure if this was even a thought-

she's not in the military any more- she got out in 05 when we pcs'd from Bragg to Carson.
so now she's just a Govt contractor, seeing another Govt contractor in the same building.. wish i could get them both fired. I know who he is..............

I could cripple him >< he's like 50lbs smaller than me, but I will be the bigger person (lol) and allow him to endure what I have endured, once the butterflies are gone, so is she.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Oh Thack, I am sorry, like Little I have some words that I would to say but I can't.

When she told you to grow up and stop putting things on My-Space, I have to admit, I had a gut feeling then, wives don't do that, they feel , they have emotions, even if things break down.

She is stup1d, no brains, sorry i can stay that bit. Did she seriously, think that you would not be told? And, is she that cold hearted to introduce, in a "bragging" way "my boyfriend?"

She is not worth it you are correct, I know your mad, hurt, angry all rolled into one, that was one of the most heartless things I have ever, ever, heard, someone do..

Forget him, he's worthless.... and, he won't last anyway, you know that.

Protect your heart, protect your wallet, protect your future, your son, and know that you deserve better, will have better and her stup1d show off Saturday is going to cost her, but yeah, at least it won't cost you, and at least you know that it's lies to say you cheated by playing on an internet game,..

Yeah I am mad with you, lol.

CW

[thack]

Yes, as much as I can see what she is worth, its still the most difficult thing I have ever faced in my life. I had a gut feeling, killing me inside, but I did not want to listen, I wanted to have hope (no time recently really) I wanted to have faith that she would not do that, I wanted to believe in my wife.

I got the phone call from a friend in Baghdad last night around 11pm my time, he was telling me everything that his girlfriend had told him about Saturday. She is really p1ssing off the girls that she hangs out with by doing this, blatantly, disrespecting me, as well as every other service member by her actions / words. As messed up as all of that is, it still hurts, and its still a shock.-sorta-

She has reverted back to high school girlie status, she tried to brag to me about her credit rating- go figure, we did everything jointly for the past 8 years- wonder how mine's doing ???

she was on the yahoo personals till 11pm last night, I caught her actually ONLINE, it took every bit of my soul not to message it. I was getting all of the facebook / myspace / personal ad stuff "zapgrabbed" into powerpoint slides for proof that this is what she has written as of this day- not 1 paper has been signed, I have not even seen 1 paper, so, nothing is even started let alone "divorced" as her profile shows.

I am going to keep this under wraps as much as I can, I do not want her knowing that I know. Because I am going to use every bit of it once I get back. Before Christmas, I am going to have my lawyer serve her with a paper stating that nothing property wise is to leave my house until the proceedings are over with. (She wants to go get a townhouse up by her new boyfriend- and wants all the furniture we bought last year while I was here, and leave me with 0 baby furniture, and all the old stuff from before we were married)

I finally got some sleep today, about 9am, I fell asleep for a little while, its gut wrenching to know that its happening to ME. I always heard of it, never endured it, but now...
I am trying to have faith that there are women out there with actual hearts and souls, I appreciate every thing you girls have said, and I am trying my best not to lose hope in the fact that I can indeed find a good woman to share this life with.

This is worse than when it first happened, now I feel violated and betrayed, not just depressed. I have been overwhelmed with emotion this past 2 months, and I don't even want them any more, I am begging the lord to lift the grief from my shoulders. I don't think I could feel this bad if my grandma died, dog died, and lost my house all in the same week.

The only thing that I am scared of, Colorado is a "no fault" state, you cant even apply for divorce with a reason other than "marriage is failing" So, I am trying to get as much advice from Colorado legal websites and my lawyer as I can, to figure out what to do. I want my son, I do not want him growing up with that poor excuse for a woman.

I wish I was not in Iraq. First time I have ever regretted what I do for a living.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Please ensure that people above you know what's going on, with your "heart' because you can't focus on work ( that type of work) at the moment, if possible, ask to be released, you said or Little said something about that earlier.

Please understand, that NO WOMEN ARE NOT ALL LIKE THAT, we are not. I am separated Thack, but I never, cheated on my husband, I walked... And, even after that it was 12 months before i did meet anyone sexually, (damd that was too long) anyways, (laughing? just a little?)

It's funny how they "want" the princess life regardless, it's all there's I'll take everything new..move, have this new man, ...... forget about him, he's a male he doesn't "NEED" anything... and your son.

I left everything bar the fridge, lol, and what ever was mine but jointly, I left it all he didn't even have to buy a washing machine, I did.

If a person needs to start again things are not what they should be, they walk, they start again, they walk with their head high knowing that they tried, and have done nothing wrong.

If a person, selfish, wants to start again, she will take everything, throw it all in your face, blame you, so that she can continue feeling happy.... ( sometimes knowing that it's not your fault she just needs to blame you) so it will be all right, denial.

What's done is done. Know that you are young, she is not worthy of you and that it's okay, you know you are better of now than this happen 10 years from now, it's not your fault, there is a good woman,actually lots of them out there, for future, and concentrate on knowing that your the winner, because her life will go down hill, she will get burnt, hurt herself, probably more than once in her life, whilst next time, your relationship will last be filled with love and happiness always...

What comes around goes around in life.

CW

[thack]

Honestly CW your words could not have come at a better time, I felt like the walls were closing in on me. I was startin to feel really alone, it comes and goes in spurts during this, I feel the loss of that anchor back home, I know my son is there, but its different, he's my son. I chose to bring him into this world, filled with love.

Where as I willingly chose to give up a certain life style for her, and yet, she's just going insane and not even with just 1 guy right now, she's grabbing anyone off her personal ad that will come hang out with her.

There will be ghosts in my house when I get home.

I know that there are good women out there, a guy on my team got forced into a divorce like I am a couple years ago, and he found a wonderful girl that really seems to appreciate him and misses him genuinely. He can talk to her whenever he wants, and she love it, and reaches OUT to him instead of getting defensive. I know several guys like this, its common in my line of work which is disheartening.

I have grand dreams when things are going well, and horrible vibrant nightmares when things go to . I remember the smallest detail of my dreams and its a curse and a blessing depending on whats going on in my subconscious. As of late, nightmares all around. Tossing and turning, just plain miserable, I feel like a drug addict going through withdrawals.

Today she emailed me telling me that I am not supporting her and my son properly, and she needs money, I told her that she got what she's getting from me for the month and she needs to realize that money is itemized and for a purpose, not for anything else. She then accused me of trying to control her, and told me that if i had any more questions I could speak with her lawyer, and that i needed to back off if i did not want to have this get un-civil. - she does not know that I know she's doing what she's doing. I simply bit my tongue, and said, " i cannot control you, i never have, never could anyway, you will do what you want, but I am giving you the means to pay for the necessaties until this is done with." (roughly 3200 a month in house / utilities / childcare- about 4 times what the army says i HAVE to give. But, I will not lose my house, and i will not lose my son, I will pay this inflated price to help me with custody in a couple months.)

I have hope, and faith that I can find a caring woman. I really do, I just dont know how to look at the moment. I am so out of practice, lol. I am giddy and scared at the thought of getting back out there and doing things, enjoying a night out with someone new, someone outgoing, someone who wants to talk to me, not her mother while we are eating dinner.

I am reading a book right now- "the total money makeover" its all about killing debt and getting your financial standings really strong. I want to get rid of all the stuff I get stuck with - if any extra - and make sure that I can provide for my son when I have him, and make sure that I can live my life after her in comfort. Because I can see how she's being right now, all ready, she will burn out, and end up hurt. And I will not be there for her when she comes crawling back- if she does- I could not disrespect myself like that.

baby steps, thats what a pastor said on Sunday, baby steps, keep praying and keep moving forward, you will get out of the hardships by just doing that. Its just Iraq feels like a prison during something like this, but yet its manageable when you have a person back home missing you and telling you they love you. It can actually be enjoyable when you know someone wants you, someone wants to talk to you, and misses you just as much as you miss them (i had that last year)

so, ill hold the emotional rant up here, lol, but thank you, all of you, you are all wonderful people for sharing with me, and helping me through this. I once was a strong man, lol, willing to fight anything and for my family, now, i feel helpless and weak. But I still have the will to fight for what is RIGHT.

Please, post away, I really look forward to seeing the responses, and getting a little more insight, I want to learn from this, figure out how to be that special kind of guy, (even more), and just be a better person in general (you can always improve no matter what)

I don't feel guilty. Not one bit, because I did nothing wrong

[thack]

And yes, 1 year w/o any sex .. man, I don't think i've done that since . uh . I was 13. . lol

so yeah, I was chuckling to myself (thank you)

So, when should I come down and visit 'ol Aussie land ? haha..