[CHANDLERS WISH]

Haha, on the last bit... Well your doing it now soldier so suffer like I had to ....

Actually, books are good, books are wicked, all of a sudden you get all sorts of perspectives on what you can achieve in life, and what is life about...

Perhaps this is a journey of sorts that will widen your horizons like you never dreamed.

Dating again? Not talking about your Mother? Ex-Partner? Just make sure that they have no baggage from the past, that they are not fresh out of a relationship and every girl you date, will be yacking away till the cows come home, about their beauty secrets haha, instead.

It's all good.

Remember that, this is a postive thing for you for your future, and yes, through those tough times you have here " anonomous" people, where other's can't read what you write..

I might take you up if you come to Australia though I am a Cougar, only joking.

(Smile)

CW

[TWills32]

The amount of money you are giving her, $3200 a month is plenty to support a child for that month. Most people make that amount a month with their combined paychecks. What the h3ll is she spending all that money on? Granted, I don't know how much your bills are, but doesn't she work as well? That really ****es me off. Irresponsible women who take advantage of men. They make us all look bad!

Not all women are like her at all. I know I'm not. My friends are not. You will meet plenty of good women.

Oh, and that 1 year without sex will make your first time having it again that much more amazing :P

[thack]

O I know she wants to horde up her paycheck, so she is expecting me to supply her with everything, so that she can save up a nest egg and keep me from being able to have any money saved up. She told a friend of mine (found this out last night) in August that she was going to start shoving all her extra cash in a savings account. -unfortunately for me it was one of those "lets *bish* about our husbands phone calls" so I didn't get a heads up from her. Instead I just got a "just give her some space, that's all she wants" response from someone who's supposed to be a close friend to both of us. So, I gave her space, lol, worked out well I'd say.

I finally got a good night of sleep, decent at least, I took a sleeping aid (I hate that) but I needed a good night of rest, I have not had one in a while. Thankfully I did not dream about her at all, I had just normal run of the mill random dreams doing random stuff. So I feel a little better today because of that.

Who knows CW, I may just drop by if I get an extended vacation time :P lol, I'd have to agree with you too

Yeah, and the whole 1 year w/o sex, eesh, going a few month's at a time while I am here is bad enough, lol. That's when you need a good friend, who doesn't mind doing some creative wrestling in the dark. lol

I want to start doing more things that Aren't at the bar's / clubs, that's where I met my STBX (soon to be X) a night club back in 2001. So, not saying that good women don't enjoy a night out at the club, but I think that if I am looking for something more, or something else, I would like it to not be based on that stuff alone.

But, I am not really looking at going home and finding the "next perfect woman" right off the bat, I think I am going to take a break from relationship's for a little, and just kind of get my mind right, get some stuff sorted out, enjoy doing some home improvements by hand, and just enjoy myself as a human being again overall.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Oh.... a mended heart needs to be mended first...

But you are way not on the shelf, (secretly neither am I at 45) shhhhh....

Bars, scars, dating sites, bowling clubs, friends, you never know where you meet her, but you are saying "chemistry attraction, immediate" well again, we don't know where that leads us.

Truthfully that has to be there, but, you need to see a person for themselves first and like them then have chemistry, I think that is the key, chemistry on it's own is lust, pure lust,one can fall then it can fail.

Take your time Mr... At the moment, if you need to take sleeping tablets to dream beautiful things, instead go for it.

Don't forget, you never answered, tell the b above, your emotions of all of this, you don't have to go into detail but you do need to express where you are.

Keep tabs, it's hard, it hurts, but it's needed.

Don't hate her, I do, lol, but um, hate doesn't do anyone anygood, feel sorry for her, it will be better for you in understanding.....

Dream because your dream will come true.

CW

[thack]

The emotions running through me right now?? hmm... there are a lot of them,

There are times when I can breathe, when I don't feel much at all, and those are the times when I feel almost normal, then there are times when I just get overwhelmed with the loss/ grief of this whole situation. And that is on top of feeling betrayed and violated by her actions. Her total obliviousness to what she is causing to course through my veins is uncanny. Trying to tell me that "she's not doing anything wrong" but I am, because I wont give her any more money.. perhaps she should stop paying for all those dating sites, then maybe she could afford to support our child. She's going to get much less once the divorce is finalized, so she should not think that I am going to be "civil" and continue giving her the money that she is getting / along with the support of the house being paid for.
Some days, I am in a haze of depression and feel very lonely. I do not have that "anchor" of the relationship to look forward to getting home again to see that special someone. There is a gap in my heart at the loss. I cant really take interest in much, and I don't sleep so well.

So, that's the short version of my feelings.

I do not feel rushed into a relationship after this, I know I am not that old, I know there are good women out there, and there are many many women that are more in touch with humanity I am sure. I do not wish this on any one, I feel sometimes like the blood in my veins is thick and does not want to move easily, and I feel sluggish.

I am trying to cut her out of my daily routine, not looking at her myspace, her facebook, or looking at her dating profiles in confusion. I caught myself doing that, looking at everything that she has on the internet, trying to figure out, we match up so well and yet, we are polar opposites right now. And I know why, I am a rational person who likes to view things in logic, and she is a person who thinks only of what she's missing out on, instead of what she has, she's wants to "live for today and only for today Scr3w the rest" (her words)

I am not trying to block this emotion from me, I am trying to use it, trying to learn from it, and trying to see what I could do better, or handle a certain situation differently. I am not blaming myself for this, I see her as panicked and freaking out with the thought of us not being able to go do things like that with a son. I saw it happening before I even went to England in March, she was talking about never going out, and not having been to a movie in over a year (I was deployed, she could have taken a girlfriend) and it started to turn the wheels in my mind, once I got home from England, I started to do "date nights" with her almost every other weekend, and then I had no issues with her doing a "girls night out" with her friends either, she worked hard taking care of my house / son and all the things that go with that while I was gone, so I wanted to show her that I appreciated it, that I appreciated her. But slowly but surely, even with our increased activity and the fun we were having, I saw her freaking out once I got to Iraq, she is not a strong woman (even though she says it on her personal ad's hah) she is very dependant on being made happy, she cannot be satisfied with herself and what she does, but more like she depends on others to make her happy, we had that conversation many times, how I kept telling her, you need a hobby, watching TV is not a hobby and if thats all you do when you have free time, you will not enjoy yourself, I got her a Mtn bike, got her new running shoes, a gym membership, took her hiking, for walks, to every tourist attraction in driving distance (all in the 2.5 months I had between England and going back to Iraq) I tried to rent movies and have in home dates, I cooked - WE cooked, I cleaned- WE cleaned, we shared everything, but she could not be happy with that. She was just very odd during that time, I am guessing she had all ready had feelings developing for this guy she worked with. She was very hard to get sexual with in that 2 months, which always causes tension, I get pretty disgruntled when I get turned down repeatedly, but not nasty by any means. She just lost her appreciation for me as her husband, for the supporting role I have in our lifestyle, for the fact that without me, we would not have ~that~ wonderful little boy, and that when I deploy, its FOR her and my son, making extra money to help US be comfortable as well as enacting the concerns of the Army in order to protect our country.

I don't know where I am going with all this, its just kind of flowing out today, I am trying to cut her out of my daily routine, but its hard, I was able to put all the pictures that have her in it, in a special folder so I can look at pictures without seeing her, but yet, I cannot keep myself from looking at her myspace / facebook ... I need to take this time apart to get use to NOT having her around, I am not going to email her any more (not even with financial stuff) I know the money is going there, and that's all that matters, and I must force myself to not look at her pages (because she is using them to try and be spiteful - her "statuses" are over exaggerated so that she can act as if life is as good as its ever been, and she has never been happier in her life. While that may be true, once the spitefulness is over with, she will still be her, not having learned anything, and not satisfied.
She will move to the next guy, she thrives on having "butterflies" in her stomach, we have had talks about that many times, I explained that yeah, we may not give each other that tingly feeling any more, but I can look at you with a deeper love, a clearer understanding, and know that I can trust you (way way before this started) - who knew. . She cannot grasp the concept of being more connected and loving with someone over the whole "in love" feeling. I tried to get her to read some books, no luck, she just does not want to actually have to do anything, she just wants someone to do it for her, make HER happy, and I pity her. She had everything that I would think a woman could want, a loyal man, wonderful son, very nice house, brand new car (yeah, she gets a new car almost yearly...just got one actually, totally free of my name thankfully)

I am glad though, there are women level headed like you all have been, I am glad that I am not the only one (besides all the guys I know stating their opinions on the STBX, they tell me that they have never liked her, they just kept their mouth's shut out of respect for me.
so, I am not getting prepared to deal with the divorce, I am just trying to accept it, and overcome it. Very difficult, like I said, I use to feel strong and invincible, much like any guy, lol, but now I feel weak and powerless, and stuck in this prison called Iraq.

OK, that's enough eye bleeding for now. lol.

[thack]

So yesterday I get an email "you get the paperwork yet? my lawyer is trying to setup the first hearings and he needs to know if you got it yet or not to do that.... and you need to call your son weekly, he is craving a mans' attention, he's all over the babysitters husband"

I instantly closed the email, and went outside and for a walk. I did not wish to respond to that while I am here, ****ed off, and got nothing better to do.

I came back after hanging out with some friends, about 6 hours later and wrote the most civilly / cooperative oriented email that one could possibly think of. I mentioned that IF the paperwork I recieve is not good natured (for a divorce mind you) that I would not let her out of this any time while I was in Iraq. She needs to realize that she is the one leaving - presumably for her new boyfriend - and that I am not just going to roll over and let her take me for what she wants. That i would not stand for certain things, alimony, sole custody, her getting any of my retirement. and that I was willing to work on other things- furniture, materialistic like that.

But she needs to keep in mind that the day I get home, I want to see my son and she has to be able to stand being in the same room with me, and that by that time, 4 months will have passed and she will have been out on her own all ready, so she needed to keep that in mind, and that for the rest of our lives we have to be able to be civil and work together (something that will come with time I am sure, but I have a son right now, I will not roll over and let him go from my life, flat out.) I told her that I know she wants out as if it were yesterday and that I had a pretty good idea why. That I would be to think she wasnt going out and about while i am gone. I am not a retard, and I have a lot of friends back home who are not very keen on her, especially now, as if they ever were (its coming out now, "hey man, i never would have said this to your face, but I have never liked your chick, she really doesnt seem like a good person and I never ever got a good vibe from her"

thats awesome . . . . makes me feel great, but I will not give up on my future, I will be 4 months single by the time I get home, I will be able to go out and find some friends to hang out with, enjoy some fun stuff with, meet new people, and start working on my house. I have plans for that. I have a lot of plans to occupy my time in a positive way, I dont want to just go and sleep around like a mad man, I know guys who have done that, but I think it would be counterproductive for me as far as trying to "grow" from this. Instead I am trying to get back to a lot of things that I enjoyed a long time ago that she kind of got me away from with her personality. there is a lot of things as I look back at that stand out more so than good times, I remember good times, and seeing the good times and how many we DID have, really surprises me how she could be this way. I have been going for 5 days strong now without torturing myself by looking at her myspace / facebook / online ads, it does help me a little, trying not to let her be a "part" of my day any more, she does not deserve that kind of gift.

But, I digress, "vent in progress" lol, in my email to her, i told her that she was in my prayers, and that I wanted this to be as least destructive as possible, I did not want to have us looking at each other in a certain way for a long long time because we do not have the luxury of blowing each other off for a year with our son, so, yeah. I honestly want this done with and I want her out of my house, I will have a neighbor watch the house for me, I cant stand that she did this while I was gone, it really shows what kind of person she is even more so than just what kind of woman.

I realized that I cannot take pleasure in anything i do currently, I went shooting today, teaching my iraqis some stuff they did not know about how to shoot a pistol, NORMALLY i enjoy that kind of day, but NO, all day i was in a bad mood because of her email last night. That really bothers me, I think i shot about 300 rounds without stopping from a pistol at one point in the day, just releasing some tension, and it helped a little, I think im going to go beat the punching bag in the gym now, that usually helps out a lot. THAT I can still enjoy, such a release, WITHOUT any negatives :P (I want all of that feeling gone before I even start talking about going home- not like I would ever even think of touching her, I just dont like walking around pis*sed off all the time, its not ME.)

-end vent

[Guest]

We are with ya

Hi Thack - Just got done reading much of your thread, There's alot there, I'm not going to try and give you any advise, not that you were looking for it but maybe a lttle comfort to know, I feel your pain man. I'm an ex military man & I knew a lot of guys and had some reatives that have gone thru what you are right now. Viet N. & all.

Hang in there, It's a low blow but your tuff, and you can do it, don't let the ememy of your mind tell you any different - One of these days your going to look back and be thankful you did it all right and you stuck it out, and that boy of yours will look up to you.

Give your mine time to him, your son, that will help. keep in touch, have a good day Brother

[thack]

Thank you brother, indeed its a chicken Sh*t way to conduct business. The woman is ingrained into my very being and I am trying as hard as I can to push it out, trying to reach down deep and find the strength I need to push her aside and clear my path, she weighs a lot for being a 100lb woman ..... Know what I mean.

at this point, like I said above, I just want her out, I want to ~not~ have to even converse with her, her very communication ****es me off and I am not a guy who gets ****ed easily. I will not lose my temper though, I will not give her the satisfaction of that, so, I will continue to be civil, I will continue to attempt to cooperate with a woman who thinks that she is not to blame for anything, a woman who's trying to project every bad feeling in her onto me so she can go find a new boyfriend and feel the whole "butterflies" thing. The poor guy,(i say poor guy, but i know him and he knows me.... I'd say poor guy for another reason if i was a man with less self control, but that would mean a totally different pity) will see what happens when she feels the least bit spooked or the least bit of not "being in love" she cannot adapt, she cannot learn, she does not know how to open up.

(sorry I just got in from a night out with some friends, snuk out for a good time, thankfully)

she is incapable of real love, that is how she changed, where as I became a good wholesome man, she became her father. The thing she was so worried about me being, she became, and yes, I changed, I became MY father, a man who was dedicated to supporting his family emotionally and in every other sense of the word! SO...

I will go home in 3 months, 4 months, whatever it is, depends on how you count, and I will move back into my house, I will enjoy my son's company, and I will learn how to adapt and take care of my son, and WE will grow together, as he learns to stabilize himself to walk better, I will do the same, learning how to walk again! But along side him.

I am not afraid of being alone, just going out here in Iraq with some of the friends I have made, there are women here (not that many) who are good friends, and that shows me that life is NOT over, not for me. I can adapt, learn, change, grow, and evolve. But it is because of her actions, because she has no concept of what I am going through that I will prevail, I will be able to move on, and enjoy myself. I can take care of myself AND my son!

who knows what she's going to do, probably continue being her because in her mind "she is not wrong" so why does she need to change, she will learn the hard way when SHE is in the passenger seat and someone else is driving this bus.


And if you listen to Dwight Yokum (sp?) listen to his song "things change" - my dad shared that with me yesterday, and its awesome. You can find it on Youtube if you dont have it all ready. I believe it would speak to a lot of people here, no matter your Sex. No matter if you were left, or left someone, the song speaks the truth.

-end semi-tipsy-rant :P

I am working on a new blog for my -myspace page, IF it gets good reviews there (which my first 2 did ) I will share it here, I dont know if i can blog here yet or not. I only hope to acheive this, in my time of grief, self reflection, and growth.. maybe I can speak something that's on my mind and help a friend in need, if you know what i mean. I enjoy knowing that maybe, just maybe, I helped someone get out of a rut that they are in, because I know that some people on this forum have done just that, I am still climbing but I am on my way out, I can feel it. So, the worst is not yet over i am sure, but I am through some, and that's further than none.

-good night, time to hit the crappy bed they give me in my 1/4 of the trailer i live in. lol :P

[CHANDLERS WISH]

HAHA, little half pi s s pot. (just in-case that word didn't work)

Yes, you can blog away here, you past 33 posts of venting along time ago soldier...

When you fall asleep (soon) dream of a mermaid, splashing around, smiling at you, why? I don't know she looked good and had her legs crossed or something.

CW

[thack]

"psst" mermaids dont have legs .... O.o

BUT indeed, I could use some good - non-associated dreams- that would be very nice, I USE to love my dreams, because they were so vivid and I dreamt of her so often. She truly was the woman IN my dreams, and that USE to mean something to both of us, but now she is the woman who haunts my dreams. I do not know when that will subside, but I can only hope that it will.

My chaplain emailed me today and said this:

"I would begin to pray that God gives you a "vision" for your future. Not some "out there", but something that has purpose and meaning and gives you that sense of direction that will carry you onward through difficulty. That's what I mean by vision. Begin to ask God for the truest sense of hope and, with that, a future. I belive God has that for you (and certainly for Alex). Read- Jeremiah 29:11"

It gave me something better than just "relief from this grief" to ask for in my prayers at night, all I have been asking for is the strength to continue on through this difficult time, the wisdom to make the right decisions, and the guidance to walk through this the right way. I cannot do this alone, but with him, I am not alone. I can do anything if he is indeed by my side, and I have tried some new things, tried some things that friends recommended, and just things that I have read online, I do a ton of research now days, thanks to this . . . . . IT use to be geared on "how to save my marriage" now its "how to really let the other person go" because that is what I want now, I do not wish to hold onto her any more, I do not wish to put forth effort into a woman like this, she is not a good quality woman, and I feel sorry for her. I really do. I am trying to not worry about her, (since she is so small and meeting so many guys from the "online" dating scene, I fear that she will get hurt) I cannot give her that flattery, I cannot give her that much of ME, I cannot focus so much on my day for someone who really does not seem to give a sh*t about me.

I have gone 1 week now without looking at her myspace / facebook / online ads, and its helped, it paniced me a little at first, I was like "what's she doing oh my god" but then I realized, that doesnt tell you what she's doing, its the propaganda she wants you to see, she is TRYING to purposfully hurt you with how she posts her moods and her little sayings like "forget the past live for today and only today" - she has truly shown that her "maturity" changed after our son was born, just like she said, but it went backwards, not the way she claims. She claims that I was the immature one, but yet, I am the one doing the soul searching, not the bar hopping....

I fear she will fall on her face before I even get home, and I will not want to see her laying there on my porch when I get home, I do not, I don't want it, she has to go. It is the only way I can progress the way I want to, I have goals, dreams, and desires that I am trying to sort out, and figure out HOW to achieve them. She is only going to hold me back in those like she has in the past 8 years. I gave up on so many things, I was going to try out for Delta Force, but I gave it up for her, I almost gave up being a Green Beret for her, but she told me not to, I gave up drawing, creative writing, trying to keep in touch with my artistic side, it all fell to the wayside because I was so focused on keeping her happy, and it was impossible, I did not have enough time in the day to DO it.

SO, end 2'nd in a row tipsy rant and rave on the boards :P

(I actually feel good tonight, I watched football with friends and hung out around the campfire and had a couple of drinks with good friends, all in all, a good night. No female drama to deal with)

-end