[thack]

I see her as being scared, scared to be alone- hence the personal ad on yahoo personals.
Her ideal man is basically a description of me, and her likes and dislikes, are a checklist of the past 8 years together, hard to see how she cant be happy. but I am not going to rack my brain trying that.

I can tell that she feels odd, she does not want to be in the house when I get home, she wants to move out just a couple of weeks before i get home, and I told her that there was no rush, I would live in a guest room, but I would prefer her to actually be there so that together we can get our son use to me again, and help catch me up on how to be a father to a totally different boy.

I followed it up with this statement:

"you and I work well together, we always have, we don't fight, argue, or anything like that, we just do not mesh well as husband and wife. We have always been good friends, but neither of us treated the other how we felt we should have been treated. I can see this now, and I do not wish to push for this to last any longer, we have to be able to remain friendly, civil, and caring to our son. We are linked together for the rest of our lives because of that little boy, so we have to think of him first. So lets keep this civil, and as non-destructive as we can, in order to be able to look each other in the face when we are together for his welfare."

she didn't really say anything to that, I am sure she still thinks that I cheated on her, and once this is all over with, sometime later on in the year, I will invite her over to have dinner with my son and I, or maybe just a "lets enjoy an evening as friends" kind of thing, and just have some wine, and talk about all the stuff that went on, get stuff off our chests, and hopefully open up to each other like we could not do as a couple. I will tell her exactly this, "I never cheated on you" because its true. I hope that reassurance that I am telling her that AFTER everything is over and all the stress is gone will help her to cope with that being true. I could never have cheated on her, because I never wanted to.

So, even still, I am not rushing things, I will take them as they come, I will not put this before my job (thankfully its very slow over here right now so we have a lot of downtime)
and IF *IF* I agree with what's written on the paperwork, I will allow it, if not, like I all ready told her, I will not even look at it until I get home.

I have no guilt to run from, I sorta feel that she is trying to run from hers, I don't know, I dont understand woman's mindsets at all any more, and probably never did lol. but her just pushing and trying to get away is just weird. But then, I've never been divorced before either. IF she's being haunted by ghosts in the house that ~she~ picked out 2 years ago, there is nothing I can do to help her, cause her ghost followed me over to Iraq and has been with me every step of the way. So, I dont feel sorry for her, she's the one pushing this, not me.

As far as this effecting my job, with the little amount of activity we have going on "right now" its not really a major issue, little over a month ago, i had to request NOT to go on any missions because my head was totally messed up, completely emotional, just not healthy for missions. And they agreed and all was well. But, now, I can actually breath a little, her disrespect time and time again, and lack of caring even on a friendly level, has just done nothing but helped me to let her go. I thank her though for showing me just how important my son is to me, that has definitely risen out of all of this. For that, I am glad.

I will still be checking stuff here and there on here, because now I am trying to get a grasp on actually being alone again. and there is still a little bit of emotions running through me that I don't want to go un-checked. Especially seeing her ad, and her description, it kills me to be able to say "just look at the picture on the dresser, walls, computer, the guy you are looking for is right there" BUT something happened, and we aren't US any more. Very sad to say, I was really hoping to be able to post here in a few months with the success of the situation, and be happy to continue to work towards being a happy family.

But, I cant. So, I am going to try and figure out ways to stay in Colorado as much as I can over the next 12 years of my career, so that I can be close to my son, I don't want him to have to change schools and all that stuff just because I live here and she lives there. He is worth it.

I think that with some time, and more conversations with her, we can keep it civil, and increasingly civilized throughout so that we can have an ending that allows us to talk and interact healthily.

[Little]

It drives me utterly up the wall that she would pull this stuff on you while you're deployed. It's low, it's cruel, it's irresponsible. Emphasis on irresponsible; I'm sure she knows that messing with your head can get you killed.
You're dealing with it all very well, and I give you kudos for keeping your head on straight enough to know when you don't need to go on missions.
Have you tried contacting the FRG about what she's doing? Cheating is a big offense when it comes to military divorce, and it seems she's inching towards it. She definitely needs counseling and the FRG might be able to help her with that ...

... or at least tick her off a little. I hear they can be a little annoying.

[thack]

WELL the FRG . . . .

since she claimed that " I threatened her" the FRG is playing this very hands off. They told her not to go do something like selling all of our stuff. because it would look very bad on her for a custody battle (keying in on something that she cares about right now thankfully, probably saved my truck from going elsewhere)

she is just insecure as , she wants to forget about me immediatly, and flow into the "perfect" relationship, thats how I am interperating this. and Yes it kills me that we havent even signed a paper at all that states that we are separating, and yet she's got personal Ad's up all ready looking for Mr, Right v2.0 . . .

everything she is looking for in her ad is Me, everything she is interested in, a replication of the past 8 years. I can't respect her any more, I can't trust her to be there for me when I need her, but I am trying to remain civil and come out of this guilt free. thats my focal point, keep my son in my life, and no guilt, not to do something morally wrong that I will regret later, because later on, once i've pushed htis through my head (god i hope so) i will have a clear head and heart, and about that time the novelty of her "independance" will replay in her head as "wow, i did some horrible " of course everything is MY fault right now, im the one she's pushing away, but truthfully, its not all me. She wont see that now, but she will in the next year I would guess, and I bet she tries to talk to me about it in '09.
IF she doesnt, i will not let myself lose sleep over it, I will be a single man again, I will not do the typical thing and go myself out, I truthfully do not even want to be out on the market right now, I am trying to embrace this and find out who I think I really am. I got married to her when we were both 19, so really early, probably to early. And I want to take this time to figure out who I am exactly, what I want in life, what I want in a relationship, and how to be a good father - since I am learning as I go. Flat out, that is what I hope to come out of this with, a clear head, clear heart, and clean slate.

Just because she is accusing me of cheating, does not mean I did, because I know exactly where I have been for 8 years, and it was always right beside her, if she cannot see that, then what am I doing here? Trust is a huge issue, but so is respect, if she can't respect me for the man that I am, doing what I do, as well as trying to learn how to be a good father and accompany a woman learning how to be a mother, then I can not do anything for her. She wont let it happen. Its sad, because I really thought we were going to be together for a long long time. (that hopeful marriage thing that last forever, you know :P )

sO, she wants to go "be one of the girls again" she can do it, IF i catch her cheating (because even though we are not emotionally attached, we are legally) I will take my son from her for the rest of her life, he WILL not be exposed to that. I will keep him from that at all costs, thats immoral, and just humanly wrong! and thats why I never did it. I have had to much respect for myself as well as my wife to keep me from messing around on her, even though i have had plenty of opportunities, just because its there does not mean you have to take it.

I am a good man, I will not be the one who regrets this in the end, nor feels guilty about it!
and I will grow into a better man, more focused and driven, key'ing in on the things that matter most - family, friends, and living my life in general so that I can enjoy it- no matter who I am with.

[thack]

edit (cant figure out how to do that)

I meant to say in one line "wow i did some horrible stuff" ( im sure you will figure where thats supposed to go, i used a different word that did not post, oops :P

and then, " i will not go do the typical man thing and go sleep around a ton after this"
I also worded that a different way O.o

just wanted to make sure anyone who read this wasnt like WTF did he mean ??

[TWills32]

I just want to start out with that you sound like a great guy. You are taking all the necessary steps to fix your relationship.

Secondly, was the game you were playing World of Warcraft or any other MMO? I played that game for 3 years and almost drove my husband away. It is very addicting, and giving it up was a great move on your part. I have seen and heard tons of stories about people with strong addictions to this game. So once again, you did a very smart move to give it up and try to focus more attention on her. Since giving it up, my relationship has improved vastly and I am starting to notice I have more time :P

But seriously now, I think your wife needs to seek personal counseling. I don't think marriage counseling is the only resource, I think she needs to talk one-on-one with someone. Aside from handling it as you are now and suggesting counseling to her, I don't think there is much else you can do. If the relationship ends, don't dwell on it. You will find your lifelong mate. Don't take this the wrong way, but she is a fool for pushing you away. From what I've gathered, you're sensitive, a romantic, dedicated to your child, have a good work ethic, trustworthy, and faithful in your relationship. I wish you luck in finding true happiness.

[thack]

yeah, the game was World of Warcraft ><

I saw what it was doing to us, but yet, it was because we were how we were, that I played it. Instant socialization for the times when she would not open up to me.

I suggested counseling for her, before we got too into this whole ordeal, and her response was this:

"you're the one with the manic depressive mother, you are the one who needs the counseling, not me!"

I really wish, just for her sake, that she would go get it. I see her spinning out of control right now, and listening to anything and everything that her friends and family are telling her. (which throughout this, they all have wonderful opinions on how to live MY life. I have listened to their thoughts and opinions, but I took them for what they were, and made my own choices.)

I love her enough that I want her to be happy, and I do not see her being happy the way she is exploding, I see her in this same situation a couple years down the line, and I even fear (I have had a few dreams about this) the time when the spouse tries to re-engage you after they pushed you away so hard, forced the divorce to happen, and finally realize what they had at home, I am scared of this day because she is ingrained into my head / heart so deeply that I am a little afraid I will not make the right decision. (but, thats a chance, and not something I should dwell on either)

I am praying for her and my son every night. I pray that he blesses her and opens her heart so that she may find true happiness. I have had long conversations with god laying in my bed in the mornings (one sided conversations mostly :P) just trying to open myself to him, help him to see what I am hoping for, what I was working for, and it helps to get a lot of stuff out of my head.

Maybe I am a hopeless romantic, I want to know what it "feels" like to be wanted again, desired. I have not felt that in such a long time, probably since about '05 when we had our issues back then. After her deployment, I have not felt like she "wanted" me at all. I have been not unhappy, but not happy, just kind of in the middle, just hovering around the middle somewhere enabling myself to just exist. I would love to find a woman who can treat me right, appreciate me for who I am, and love me for who I am. And in doing that, she can allow me to do the same for her.

But! I do not want that right now, or in a month, I want to get through this, I will not place any personal ads until its legally and completely through. Its just not the right thing to do, yes I realize we are getting a divorce, but out of respect (even though she's not giving me any whatsoever right now) for my son's mother, I will not do that until I am not legally tied to her any longer.

[TWills32]

That is respectful of you to wait to place the ads. Once again, I am sorry about your relationship. Her denying she needed counseling just says to me that she truly is in need of it. Not just that she denied it, but how she denied it, bringing your mother into the conversation. She was trying to veer the conversation away from being about her, it seems.

I think that if/when she marries again, unless she gets the help she needs, this will happen again to another man. If you don't deal with issues, it snowballs. Kind of like why alcoholics can't give up alcohol without treatment, she won't be able to have a healthy relationship without treatment, it seems. So don't blame yourself.

Also, you said before that she accused you of having an affair. That means she doesn't trust you. You have to have trust in a relationship for it to work. Trust is more important then love. Love alone will not save a marriage.

Just keep on praying for her and your son. Even if something doesn't click with her, you still have your son. Like I said before, you will find happiness. Good luck with everything, and I hope you get to spend more time with your son.

[thack]

Yeah, thats what I am afraid of. Its near impossible to get the woman to trust me, sheerly because of her father / grandfather (they were really messed up men).

So it was always an uphill battle, always. She does not trust anyone because she thinks everyone is spying on her (if you find her on facebook, thats how she reacts. . . go go social website MEANT for people to find you eh)

She always thought that because I told her my "number" and it was larger than hers, that I was looking to add some more to it, which is wrong, I told her honestly because she asked me. So, I didn't lie. So she always thought that since I did that, apparently I was out looking for more women, I obviously would not be satisfied with her (wrong).

She was always just really insecure about a lot of things, cheating being a huge one. That alone brought up so many small disputes, without even any situation that would warrent a question of infidelity. For example: One day, I had brought her home a flower that I bought off of one of those people who sit on the side of the road at stop lights, just picked it up on the way home from work for the fun of it. I left the wrapper in my truck, and gave her the flower "without the plastic on it" So, she got the flower, was all happy, excited ect..
but a couple of days later, she got in the truck and saw the wrapper and said "who'd you buy a rose for? Where does she live? How long have you known her?" I instantly got quiet, I was really angry at those comments, so, I just kept my mouth shut so I did not say anything to lash out at her. After I calmed down a little, I said, "you remember the flower I got you the other day? That is the wrapper it came in .. .. I am not seeing anyone, and honestly, when am I not in the house with you? When am I out and about to even see any one, I go to work at 530am, I come home from work and I am in the house with you until we go to sleep..."

so, that is just an example of how the past 7 years of marriage has been with her, always under the microscope, always being accused of something for no reason.

Whenever she got scared of stuff in our marriage, she would immediately push me away, immediately, and the 1 time we split (before this) she had a personal add up. I told her to take it down once we reconciled and agreed to stay together (I should have let her go back in '05, I see that now, but then i would not have ~this~ wonderful little boy, maybe a little boy, but not ~this~ one. So we stayed together, I wanted to help her, I wanted to prove to her that not all men are idiots who run rampant and cheat.)

So, I look back on the years from '05 to now, and she never came out of her shell from the whole deployment thing, she put up walls, and left them there, and as much as I tried to pull them down, and reach her, just no success. But in my efforts, it made my love for her stronger, and the more and more I tried to love her, the more distant she became.

That made it to where Sex was increasingly difficult to "persuade" her into... I have not just been "attacked" in 4 years. I have always had to "work" just for any physical loving. (And yup, I enjoy it a lot, I enjoyed it with her namely, but it became more and more of an issue) So I was feeling sorta neglected (I know you women don't like it every day, lol, I'm talking "weekly" at least though, that would be nice.

so what I am trying to say with this, I don't know, this all still hurts, and its all still very hard to grasp, especially with her having the personal ad up and ignoring my attempts to "help" her. I wish she would listen and go get some counseling. Because I love her enough that I want to see her happy, but I know, fear, that this will happen again. Because she realistically believes that I cheated on her, but I cannot take her through the past 7 years and prove to her that I have not, I wish I could. I wish she could see that.

And she will just push this onto the next man, and the next, and its just going to be an ugly cycle for her (I hope its not, I hope she finds a man that she can actually open up to, I will be sad that it was not me, but glad for her to have that, I wanted it so bad)

but I agree, with out trust, nothing else really works, and her trust just went down and down once the "honeymoon" effect wore off the relationship. I know I did not do anything, I have a long list of what I did to save the marriage and a much MUCH shorter list of what I think she tried. It shows her lack of dedication for our relationship, and that is really needed.

- end long long post, lol, just kinda went on rambling there -

[TWills32]

Sometimes you just have to get it all out of your system. Since she is so unwilling to get the help she needs, honestly, you are better off. I can imagine all the accusations and lack of intimacy really wore you down physically and emotionally. I can't tell you the worst is over, I don't know your entire situation or life story. I can tell you that you seem to be getting through it in a mature manner. Just prepare yourself for anything, good or bad. If she does agree to get help, then perhaps you can start healing your relationship after a while. Does her family notice or admit there is anything wrong with her? Do her friends? If so, it might take an intervention to get her the help she needs.

[thack]

Her friends did not have an opinion- because they were mutual friends- now they chose a side and withdrew from me- only like 3 people out of our large network of friends, the majority know how I am and think she is going nuts.

Her family, her mother was always distrusting and overbearing on her, I tried to go to her and her step dad, they just merely said- she sounds fine to me (via phone call to her)
to which I responded with "I have been with this woman for 8 years, just about every single day. She is not being "her" the vindictiveness and spitefulness is not her."

They only hear that I got accused of cheating, and since her mother shares her views, (only reason her step dad doesnt feel it, because he is her mother's slave near, the guy never leaves the house with out her, and sits in the tv room with her every waking moment out side of that. they even worked together, so all the variables are gone, lucky him. lol)

SO, yeah. No one wants to touch it, because all of the friends who backed off from my wife, were supremely surprised, guys and girls, that this happened. Some of the people who have known her and i for a lot longer than just 2-3 years, keep telling me to stay away from her, that she is not a good woman and she will not be supportive or appreciative ever. (which i can feel the lack of that for sure right now)

She tries to act as if its just another day at work when i call to talk to my son, but i just dont converse with her. I call, speak to my son, then she tries to engage me in some sort of meaningful conversation, to which I respond with "thank you for letting me talk to Alex, take care, good bye"

I dont want to talk to her, its hard enough fighting off the anxiety a few minutes before i make that call. I do not see her as a trustworthy woman, a strong woman, or even an honorable human being right now. She is helping me get through this by having absolutely no honor or common courtesy throughout this ordeal.

I really feel like she just wants to go "party around" to put it nicely, and then when she's all done with that, or when she realizes that the grass wasnt so much greener on the other side, that she may try to come back. And as much as I wish i could say, "no way", i cant make that choice till that time comes. But there is much larger amounts of damage done then I have ever had to try and work through. I do not know if i could ever look at her the same again. Even IF she realized what she was doing on her own

(that's what it will take, she wont listen to anyone with positive advice- not even her old roommate from the air force- she will only accept her few friends that are single, divorced, and anti man all ready)

I want so much to send her a copy of the journal I've kept throughout this whole ordeal, and send her all those letters that I wrote for her, but wont send because they are not going to help anything. I have a good amount of stuff that I have gotten off my chest into my computer. lol, as well as blogging on myspace talking in general terms, but getting things off my chest.

So right now, I am reading a book called, "the total money makeover" because no matter what happens, I want to come out of this better then I came into it. I want to get rid of all the debt that I would more than likely incur because of this. Which even in the worst case scenario- minus the house- would be very manageable. But fact of the matter is, I want 0 payments. Just house, child support, and living expenses. Nothing more. SO, that's what I am channeling some energy into, as well as looking at what kind of upgrades I can do to my house when I get home- by hand- as well as any grants I can get from the VA loan people, for home upgrades, something to help my house situation, and try to make it where I can spend as little as possible, and maybe break even- sucks to say that. lol...

But, without her having an epiphany, this is not going to stop. And even if she did, she would have a lot of apologizing and work on her end in her future. This is just about as bad as actually cheating on me would feel I think. Because all I can do is see what she's doing, and speculate. No proof, so that whole "unknown" stuff comes into play, which sucks.

so, yeah, back to reading!! must learn, must become an even better man because of this woman!! lol, got a good base, now to do some fine tuning if you know what I mean