[thack]

a little thrown off

Ok so today we had our Temporary separation agreement.

Since I was doing the right thing all ready, nothing changes, I was actually over paying by about 20$ per month, but whatever, not going to take my 20$ back for the next couple, I am leaving the allotment as is.

Over all it went ok, she's trying to get me to pay her credit card (part of it) but doesnt want to give up anything in return, so I am standing strong on my "pay for your bills and I will pay for mine (mine are a lot more, house included in that)"

then later on, she sent me pictures of my son (this time without her and the boyfriend in them) and I simply replied *first time in 2 months I have said a word to her* thank you.
She then responded very quickly, and an email conversation started to brew.

It was ok for a few, I gave vague answers on things that I felt she didnt need to know. I mean I am talking to someone who broke the most important vow of all, trust. So, I just kept being as civil as I could, but I could not just relax talking to her, I was very distant, I could see it as I typed it out. And it was going ok until she said this:

"Well I hope we can have conversations like this every once and a while.

I just want you to know that I truly hope you find someone that you can be happy with."

I dont know, it struck a chord, almost again as if she is trying to throw it up in my face with her boyfriend replacing me, I dont know. the last time we had "email conversations" we were married and I was just trying to get in touch with her because I loved her, and wanted her to know that. So to that I simply responded with:

"even with things happening the way they did, and things coming to light that came out, I wish nothing but the best for you, I hope you find what YOU were looking for. but I wont get into a discussion about this topic, have a nice day"

I tried to be nice, but I do not wish to talk to her about this kind of stuff, not for a good long while, we are not even divorced and yet she's trying to, sort of patch things up?
I do not understand, I could be over reacting but its hard not to, there is still a lot of pain from her actions, I cannot just simply cast it aside and "be her friend"

not emotional right now, just a little weirded out, dont really know how to react.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think Women go through emotions.

She is remembering now some good things about what you two had, and wishes you well, not realising though that you are still hurting very bad, maybe she does realise.

I can't see that she is dissing you, rather, remembering some good things as I said.

It's not unusual...

You did good to respond the way you did.

CW

[thack]

I do not know, some family thinks she is trying to "brag" about it, others are just surprised that she is trying to act like nothing is wrong, almost as if she never cheated, which I can see. Its like she feels that if she doesn't acknowledge it, then it didn't happen.

Its not super painful, definitely not like a few months ago, its just, I do not want to talk to her in regards to relationship's or the future at all right now. She lost her relationship with me in that regard, to me cheating is the 1 most horrible thing you can do. That is why I have always held myself under high standards when I was approached by other women, pointing first to my ring, then moving away. Cheating is just, something that is almost un-forgivable. And its not like I am saying it after I cheated and tried to make it sound ok, I have felt that cheating is wrong since I started to get involved with women back when I was in middle school.

I still feel strongly about it to this day.

I could see that she wants to be friends, but I need some closure, perhaps an apology to some extant, not "Oh I am happy, I hope you can find that too!" which is what she gives me, the "happy thanksgiving family dinner pictures" with my son and her boyfriend were something that keeps me from looking at the conversation today as genuine.

so I am keeping it at a distance, I will not just roll over, but I will not be evil in return, I will not seek revenge.

still just confused as , lol, you ladies

[WildChild]

Sounds like she is either trying to make herself or you feel better about it. It's the sort of innane, meaningless thing people say when someone is hurt.

[thack]

hmm

yeah, I could see that.

I am just keeping my guard up, I have to for now, I know that probably one day I have to totally forgive her to make life for my son better all around.

But I do not have to let her in right now, I can't yet, I am not ready.

I do wish her nothing but the best, I hope she finds what SHE has been looking for, I just think she's going about it the entirely wrong way.

just think, this much effort put into a divorce / separation - imagine if that much force was exerted into fixing / remedying a relationship. who knows.

[WildChild]

We humans don't always act rationally. If we did life would probably be more placid but perhaps less interesting? You do have to hope she gets her act together for your child's sake. Given time it will get easier.

[ablaze]

I think she is very lucky to have you as a husband.
you're very nice
and have values.

[thack]

O.o

well, as much as (even with everything that's happened) I wish it was
"she's lucky to have you as a husband"

its just about to be past tense.

I do not believe in divorce, I never have, but I also will not stand by and get treated like complete and total dirt. Especially when I was the one who was loyal to the marriage, no matter what goes on in someone's head, nothing excuses cheating, wait till the divorce is final and then move on, not till then!

Most people would agree with that, but when infidelity is the main reason, "she found her greener pastures" what can you do.

But I say, "the grass is always greener on the other side where the cows are $h1tting."

I wish her the best, I hope she finds whatever it is that SHE has been looking for.
I will find someone who connects with me much more, but its time to be a bachelor for a little while, until I am completely and totally ready to dive back into the dating scene.

(only scary thing is, you always find the soul mate when you aren't looking.. makes me want to start looking as soon as I get home just to defer it. .. lol)
I mean, that's how I met her, I did not want to go out that night and BAM, there she was.

even with hindsight being 20/20, I would do it all over again, sure there would be things I would do differently, but that's life, we always say "If I only knew then what I know now . . . . ."

I would try to remember some lottery numbers as well, lol.....

[ablaze]

well, as much as (even with everything that's happened) I wish it was
"she's lucky to have you as a husband"

its just about to be past tense.

I do not believe in divorce, I never have, but I also will not stand by and get treated like complete and total dirt. Especially when I was the one who was loyal to the marriage, no matter what goes on in someone's head, nothing excuses cheating, wait till the divorce is final and then move on, not till then!

Most people would agree with that, but when infidelity is the main reason, "she found her greener pastures" what can you do.

But I say, "the grass is always greener on the other side where the cows are $h1tting."

I wish her the best, I hope she finds whatever it is that SHE has been looking for.
I will find someone who connects with me much more, but its time to be a bachelor for a little while, until I am completely and totally ready to dive back into the dating scene.

(only scary thing is, you always find the soul mate when you aren't looking.. makes me want to start looking as soon as I get home just to defer it. .. lol)
I mean, that's how I met her, I did not want to go out that night and BAM, there she was.

even with hindsight being 20/20, I would do it all over again, sure there would be things I would do differently, but that's life, we always say "If I only knew then what I know now . . . . ."

I would try to remember some lottery numbers as well, lol.....

Just saw the first page did not really read all the way I was sleepy lol
2am in the morning.
Yea I was saying you are a good person and a husband.
I just wish that I will find a person like this.
My relationship is going downhill into deeper dump atm.
And my head is just exploding...thinking why do I ever love...
Anyway, same point of view, I do not believe in divorce either.
But oh well....seems like I'm heading towards it, since the advice I have here is to leave my husband.

Not to offend but I thought that all men are selfish effing heartless s.
who thoughts that women likes to get pregnant because of child support.
and only want one thing--sex sex sex.

but I sort of found your post lifting a bit of burden I was having.
Since you are a man struggling too in a relationship.
Again not to meant to offend you in some way.

[thack]

indeed

I know what you mean, I did my best to be loyal / honorable.

I do not want to lie or make stuff up, but sometimes we are all selfish or inconsiderate, it happens to us ALL, not just a woman, not just a man, it is just a part of life, humans are humans.

Like I told my STBX on the phone way back when the last time I talked to her verbally "I may not have been the perfect husband, or the best of friends, but I was not the worst by a longs hot, and I was loyal and faithful to you"
to that she tried to tell me she was faithful as well..... so explain the boyfriend .... anyway..

do not blame yourself, thats the one thing my marriage (or divorce) counselor told me, the other person is going to say stuff that they will regret a while from the point of separation, they are trying to build themselves up enough to leave you and will say / do things that they normally wouldnt.

this thought is supported by the words of people who have either A: known me and my wife since we met and said how different she is and how vindictive/spiteful she is being, or B: have known us for a little while (year or so) and see how much she changed and how many lies she has tossed at them trying to make her look innocent.

SO with that, look within yourself for the reasons, look at yourself truthfully and honestly BUT do not degrade yourself, its not 100% your fault, it takes 2 to tango but only one to give up and reject love. (took a while for me to understand that I WASNT the one who gave up) you can fight until you are blue in the face but if the other person rejects your attempts, then what can you do. you just have to look at yourself and realize that you are not a messed up person and that no (unless there is abuse / alcoholism involved) matter what the other person says / does, you can still be honorable in your actions, intentions, desires, and normal daily life! That person made the choice they made and someday (whether or not its shown) they will regret it, they will look at themselves in the mirror and say "WTF was I doing back then and why was I like that"..... I have heard WAY to many divorce stories in my line of work that all have that included in them to think otherwise.

SO, IF you are reading this thread again, try to find strength within yourself, look at tomorrow as a fresh start and the ability to right several wrong doings. I am working on that as I go through this deployment and this divorce, its something I didnt want and never wanted in a thousand years, but its what I have been handed.

SO what I figure is God is trying to tell me that she was obviously not for me and that there is a woman who can truly share her happiness with me.

( i have been told "make me happy" for 8 years now, and my mindset is this "I am happy with myself, by myself, doing only things with myself, I do not need SOMEONE to make me happy, so thats not what I look for, I look for like minded people who are happy in themselves and can occupy their own time, and that they can share the happiness WITH me, not suck them dry trying to MAKE me happy sorta like my X did to me. . totally unhealthy."

so, yah, not too long left here in Iraq then I get to see my son, kills me that I cannot protect him right now, nor guide him, or keep him away from teh whole infidility atmosphere..... even though she wont admit it, enough people saw her out with teh 150lb weakling and have confirmed it, so her lie to me has been proven wrong (as if the dating websites while married were not proof enough.....)

so yeah, enough rambling from me :P