[Crystalblue]

I feel like I've been taking this in a circular pattern, when I want us to be moving forward. I'm trying to understand what's keeping it going like that. All the changes I've made for myself help me grow individually, but I wonder if part of the reason I back track is because I want him to grow with me. I understand that I can't force that. He knows what makes a good husband and father and needs to make those decisions himself.

I haven't given up on him, but I'm realizing that I won't be able to hang back with him forever either. I'm really hoping he'll see, he can be this shadow in front of the tv, or he can be a conscious father and husband. There aren't very many family stories I tell that don't start with, "me and the kids." I'd like to have more that include him, too.

It's painful to think of it in terms like this because I know there's a very real chance he won't change anything. All I can do is try not to dwell on it and continue to make changes that benefit my life. I've reached a point where I feel I'll know when it's time to stop waiting on him to catch up.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

It's a bit like a roller-coaster, I know in your heart you feel you have and are doing everything out of your power, with so much positive attitude to make things better and yet, it's not moving forward or is it?

See, you have to be doing this for you in my opinion for now...

You are seeing it as all you do should have turned things around on his side by now.... you know what it takes and what he should see and you are smart enough to know he has to make that move.

You don't have to give up on him you have to in my opinion keep focusing on you.. Imagine as you grow further and further into yourself, love yourself, are happy with yourself how that will show?

Will that not help at some stage him really see? It seems he is starting to as he plays the blame game.... Hopefully.

If he changes he does, if he sees he does, if he values himself ( which he doesn't) from watching you learn to value yourself, then good.

He needs to be "dragged" on occasions in any event he is a Father, and for no other reason than that...

Keep your chin up and stop focusing on him or what he will and won't do, where he will travel in this or won't travel and keep focusing on yourself......

If he was to catch up? It will be alot further down the road but by then, I think you will be a different woman than the one you are now.

[Crystalblue]

Things have settled down and smoothed over since Wednesday, but I was dealing with a lot of hurt feelings then and yesterday. I'm trying to follow the advise I've gotten, but I'm not sure if I've handled things right.

Wednesday he cane home from work and went straight to playing again, and I left it alone. We ate dinner and he went right back to his game. I asked him if he would go for a walk with me, and he said no, but we could watch a movie in a little bit. I waited for about an hour and a half or so, then told him I was going for a walk. By this time, I was pretty frustrated again, but kept it to myself. He kept asking what was wrong, and I just told him I needed to get out and take a break from dealing with everything. He said it seemed like I didn't want to spend time with him! Urg! I left it. Just said I needed a break and a walk, but when I went to give him a kiss before I left, he turned away, so I just left with him trying to call me back.

I silenced my phone and just walked for awhile without answering his texts or calls. I got back a little after dark and he was already laying down with everything turned off, so we went to bed without talking about it. I was still mad about it the next morning and ignored his calls and texts from work for most of the day.

When he kept asking what was wrong, I finally texted back that he couldn't hurt me and push me away and expect me to come back when he called. I wasn't his "female dog". He acted like he had no idea what I was angry about.

When he got home we talked and smoothed everything over, but I don't get how he can act so oblivious to what I'm feeling when I've told him everything I've been thinking and feeling. It seems like the more I try to leave it alone and wait for him to make the changes on his own, the more he tries to get it out of me and turn it around on me.

Maybe it is the guilt, CW, playing the blame game, but I don't want to play. I'll admit I can shut down and be cold when something's bothering me. I'm not the greatest at acting like Everything's fine and dandy while I wait for him to get the point, but his exact words were that he had done nothing wrong and didn't know what to think when I won't tell him.

The only thing I can think to do is get better at hiding my feelings from him, but it seems like that would be counterintuitive. I want him to be able to tell what I'm feeling and be there for me, not leave him thinking everything's great until I can't stand it anymore and drop a bomb on him.

[WildChild]

Wednesday he cane home from work and went straight to playing again, and I left it alone.

We ate dinner and he went right back to his game. I asked him if he would go for a walk with me, and he said no, but we could watch a movie in a little bit. I waited for about an hour and a half or so, then told him I was going for a walk. By this time, I was pretty frustrated again, but kept it to myself.

He kept asking what was wrong, and I just told him I needed to get out and take a break from dealing with everything. He said it seemed like I didn't want to spend time with him! Urg! I left it. Just said I needed a break and a walk, but when I went to give him a kiss before I left, he turned away, so I just left with him trying to call me back.

You think you have communicated but obviously he didn't hear it. But you are sending mixed massages, no matter how intelligent he is in some ways in others he is a complete idiot and you have to put it in terms that an idiot can grasp. When you say, "its OK", "I'm fine" (which are female code for big trouble on the horizon) he doesn't get it. Even if you have spelled it out, A) you had an emotional affair, B) you are shutting me out with games C)you are acting like a total d-head - he's not hearing it, not really. He's not owning the concept that he has screwed up and is actually going to have to make an effort to change and to heal the relationship.

I silenced my phone and just walked for awhile without answering his texts or calls. I got back a little after dark and he was already laying down with everything turned off, so we went to bed without talking about it. I was still mad about it the next morning and ignored his calls and texts from work for most of the day.

This has can be a very effective move in some cases. Not responding. Guys usually get this one, at least after a few days. This, when you've already talked without result, can put it on him to really make a effort. The flip side is that it can also turn into a no one is talking to anyone thing.

When he kept asking what was wrong, I finally texted back that he couldn't hurt me and push me away and expect me to come back when he called. I wasn't his "female dog". He acted like he had no idea what I was angry about.

He's not thinking, he's gaming. Brain off.

When he got home we talked and smoothed everything over, but I don't get how he can act so oblivious to what I'm feeling when I've told him everything I've been thinking and feeling. It seems like the more I try to leave it alone and wait for him to make the changes on his own, the more he tries to get it out of me and turn it around on me.

Smoothing things over is like sweeping them under the rug. You are waiting for change, I'll bet he thinks its all alright now.

Maybe it is the guilt, CW, playing the blame game, but I don't want to play. I'll admit I can shut down and be cold when something's bothering me. I'm not the greatest at acting like Everything's fine and dandy while I wait for him to get the point, but his exact words were that he had done nothing wrong and didn't know what to think when I won't tell him.

Sit down, do some writing. What needs to change? What is absolutely off the table if the relationship is to survive? What do you need from him? What do you need in your life not related to him? What does a good marriage look like to you?
Tell him you want to set an appointment for a time to talk, no TV, no computers, no kids, phones off. Tell him how much time you want. 30 mins? 45? what do need to say what you have on your list? Maybe its 10 mins, but you want his complete and total attention for that time. During this time you do not want him to DO anything or offer any "solutions" all he has to do is LISTEN. Setting an appointment and removing distractions, giving it a time limit and telling him what his role is, should allow him to actually listen. He won't be trying to think up ways to "fix" things, you've told him you don't want him to. He won't be wondering how long this will take, you set a time limit. Setting an appointment also indicates that this isn't likely to be hyper emotional and you aren't likely to start throwing the crockery.

When the time comes be matter of fact. Most men are actually more emotionally fragile than women because they have never learned to recognize, express and deal with most of their feelings. They will dismiss what women say as being "emotional". They have deluded themselves (and many women) into thinking that they are "rational". If you really look at male culture and the things they do, you will quickly see that this is total bs, its a smoke screen. But we have to deal with this little fantasy and this set up for talking takes the excuses for not listening of "she's just emotional" or "its PMS" out of the equation.

Don't let this turn into an opportunity for arguing your points. When you sit down to talk, you should be facing each other, there should be good but not glaring light and absolutely nothing that makes any noise on. No stereo, no TV, no computer, no phones. Tell that you have something to say and you do not want to discuss it and do not expect any answers or responses, you want him to listen, to take time to think about it and that you can talk again in a few days.

Then say exactly what you have to say. Do not use accusatory words and phrases. You are communicating your needs and expectations. You can share your feelings, "When you come home start playing games, I feel that I do not matter to you., I feel that that you don't care at all about me or our relationship". But stick mostly to your needs and expectations for life together. Look him in the eye when you are speaking. If you feel he is not listening, not focused, stop say, "I feel you are not hearing me" and be silent until he refocuses. If he starts trying to defend or argue anything, calmly say, "I just need for you to listen right now, I've been very hurt and I need to be heard, we can talk in few days when you have had time to think about what I have said". This is your time, keep control of it. If you said you needed 15 mins and you are running longer, say so, "I thought 15 mins would be enough, can you give me another 5 mins?". This allows him to have some control and shows you are respecting your word.

When you have said what you had to say, thank him for his time and exit. Go take your walk.

In a day or so you can ask when he would like to set up time to share his response.

The only thing I can think to do is get better at hiding my feelings from him, but it seems like that would be counterintuitive. I want him to be able to tell what I'm feeling and be there for me, not leave him thinking everything's great until I can't stand it anymore and drop a bomb on him.

Hiding your feelings is not a good plan unless you working to get out of a dangerously abusive relationship. Controlling and/or choosing your responses, however is another thing.

[Crystalblue]

Thanks WC. I'll get some quiet time and do some more writing to work out everything that still needs to be resolved. I'll look back over what I've already written about and try to include everything I need from him. I've already done this with him at least three or four times, and he said he understood what I needed from him. He told me he was going to make more of an effort to spend time with me, not just watching tv.

He had started walking with me for about a week and a half. We went to the track 3 or 4 times, but once we started playing basketball Sundays, everything else stopped, and the rest of his time went back to the xbox.

He got off work early today, and all the focus has been with me, no ff or secluding himself in front of the tv. That tells me he does understand and he's just waiting to be reminded that I'm still paying attention. Maybe testing what I'll let slide. Idk.

I'll do some writing, a little meditation, and pray about some direction. He's not a little kid that I can constantly redirect. He needs to make a choice about what he wants here, and I'm getting to the point where I feel like he has.

[Crystalblue]

I still need to sit and get some writing done. It'll be easier to find the time Monday, but I was talking with my friend today. She agrees with CW on the point of focusing less on what my husband needs to do and more on what I need. She says that's one of the main points of Alynon.

I think there are more than one healthy ways to go about repairing the damage. Obviously there's a lot of work to be done and more than one problem in our marriage. I need loyalty and respect, a devoted father for my kids, and time to reconnect. It seems basic and simple to me, but changing over night just isn't going to happen.

I need to find the balance between working through my emotions myself and telling him when theres a problem that needs work. I think I went to far with it the other day and turned it into shutting him out completely. Too much of that would cause a lot of confusion.

I will need to set up some more ground rules with my husband. Not so much about what I need him to do or not do, but more about establishing cues I can give him. Sometimes I will need a break from dealing with our problems, so I need to set up a way I can tell him, "yes, there's a problem, but I need time to think and cool down before we talk about it." I need a way to tell him when I'm not getting enough from him without making him feel like I'm treating him like a kid. "I know you want some time to play, but I really need this from you and it's important that you're included."

It's not easy for me to organize my emotions sometime and get to the point where I can just say what I'm feeling. Growing up, we didn't communicate well at all, and I've explained that to my husband too. He knows I'm a lot better about it than I was, but I still need some work there. I think that's why he pushes for me to just say it. The down side to that is that it can be like opening the flood gates. Lol. It's hard to know if it'll come out well or if I'll say the wrong thing out of anger.

So that's where all the writing has really helped a lot. I'll get some more done and see what I can work out. Maybe I'll have something snap into place for me.

[Crystalblue]

I did some writing yesterday but feel like it took a different direction than what I was going for. I do feel like I had a eureka moment, but it wasn't what I was expecting. I noticed that I am much less hurt about the infidelity issue. That by itself is amazing to me. All my frustrations are centered around making changes now. There's still a lot of emotions going on, but I reached a point where I moved toward letting go of the hurt, without realizing it.

I read back through the thread today. It seems like I understand the logic in the replies, but had to work and get to a place where I could comprehend them...if that makes sense.

I'm not a hundred percent sure I won't back track again, because I'm still noticing a lot of back and forth, but my discovery was very reassuring to me.

WC, still haven't made my appointment to talk with my husband. I might need some extra advice on this. Since then, he's been playing less by himself and more with me. The first hour or two when he gets home from work is spent relaxing with me in our room, no tv. I didn't ask for him to start doing that, he just did. To me, that means he has a basic understanding of what I need from him, and I don't feel like setting up a talk would help. I do need to tell him how happy I am with it though, let him know it makes a difference to me.

I took the last couple of days to slow my roll a little. I kept to the house and relaxed, meditated, and prayed about how everything had been going. I don't feel overjoyed, but I'm not quite so stressed either.

I think working on me is the right way to go. I'll have to organize my head a little, but I think I'm starting to reach a place where it'll be easier for me to see when I need to push him, and when I need to work it out on my own. I definitely need to keep writing before I make any decisions though. Lol. I don't want to blow up on him and then shut him out everytime I get frustrated.

I wanted to tell y'all about the girl party I went to last Saturday. Totally out of my comfort zone, but I had a great time. The friend I've been talking to makes homemade jewelry and was doing a show hosted at another lady's house where there would be other women selling their wares. There was makeup, clothes, jewelry, a midwife, and "romance enhancers". Lol. I had an all out girlie day. Afterwards, my friend kidnapped me and we went for queso then coffee.

I mentioned already that she agreed with the advice of me just focusing on me for now. She also said that if he's ignoring what he's said he would do, I should tell him he's not making a living amends to me. Apparently that's supposed to be a slap in the face in AA world. Lol.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Your focused, and you see the whole picture.

It's great that you are really getting to a good place here and it's great that you are "thinking" before acting or speaking.

As for the party? Man that sounds like it was fun

[Crystalblue]

I love basketball Sundays. I'm still working on getting my shot back, but it's been great excersize and together time with my husband. I had another successful afternoon of not hurting myself. Yay! I've been waiting for it. I know it's going to happen eventually. Lol, but so far, so good. I had knee surgery a little over 11 years ago, so I have to be careful how I land and pivot. It's not always easy when your tangled up for a rebound. Plus, I'm the only girl out there, so I feel that competitive streak that pushes me to step it up a notch. I accidentally elbowed someone in the cheek last week. I felt soooo bad, and it left a huge bruise on my elbow. Lol. I showed the dude today and said it was from him slamming his face into it.

I'm getting my "hands" back, though, starting to get the steals again. I just can't make the shot under pressure...yet. I need to find a goal during the week and work on my form. When I get it back, they're going down! Lol

Back to where me and my husband are at- I'm getting to a independent, confident place, but I know there's a lot of work to be done. Yesterday, my husband played games for most of the day. When we were going to bed, I told him, "I missed you today." He said why, he was home all day. I just said that it didn't feel like he had been since he played the whole time. I felt like it was a simpler way to tell him he was playing too much, without sounding like I was telling him what to do.

We had a great time today, a great, sweaty, exhausting time.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

And did he reply?

And, if not, has he slowed down on the playing again after that comment?

Good evening mam