[CHANDLERS WISH]

Call a male friend next time A walk is nothing, ahhh, so, I'll keep doing what I am doing, a male friend walking? WT? wait, jogging shoes coming up

[Crystalblue]

Lol. We'll see, but I don't have guy friends anymore. It seems that since I've been married, I let go of a lot of friendships. I was thinking about this over a month ago. Part of it was because he would get jealous, and I didn't want him to feel that way. Part of it was I lost the need for those friendships. Most of my friends had been guys. Now I have three girl friends I still see and talk to. I need to do something about that.

My husband had gone to sleep already when I got back. I didn't get the chance to tell him about running into one of the guys from the car wash while I was at the track. I will be sure to mention it though. I found some old guy friends on facebook last night, too, so hopefully I'm already doing something about losing my guy friends. I wish I could remember more last names. Time to pull out the year books. Lol

[Crystalblue]

I went out and got some head bands today, to help me wear my hair down. lol. Went ahead and got some makeup too.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Oh he's going to suffer big time when you put that face on facebook and those male friends find you again, and introduce you to more friends, haha.

[Crystalblue]

Lol. I hadn't even thought about doing that. I might... my husband told me awhile back, I was too nice, and it was annoying. (he was talking about me bending over backwards for someone) Maybe I'll just stop being nice. Whahahahahaha!

I don't really post pictures of myself on there, but I'll try anything at this point. lol. I haven't talked to my old friends yet, but it showed up on the news feed that I have new facebook friends. I got a cute call from my husband on his break at work this morning, just checking in with me. Hmmmm.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Well you have to be cruel to be kind, assertive to let them know that you know how to make your own decisions, competitive so that they know they have competition and dang gorgeous as you are, so they know what they would be missing

[Crystalblue]

Lol. I posted the picture. He knows what I'm doing though. The first thing he says after seeing it- why'd you post that picture?
Me-I thought it was cute.
Him- it is, but your not supposed to let everyone see it. You're mine.

It's got him thinking I'm sure, but I think it'll take more than that to get him to wake up. For now, I'll just keep doing what I've been doing. I'll work on me, myself, and I. He doesn't want real friends, fine, but I do. He doesn't want to get out of the house, fine, but I need to.

I'm going to start looking into going back to school, see if there are any grants available to me. If I can figure something out, I'll tell him what my plans are. I'm done asking for permission or approval though.

[Crystalblue]

Urg! Ok, so I went through his email last night, and saw that he had excepted an invite to a speed dating network from a girl he went to collage with. I didn't talk to him, just went in, grabbed the keys, and headed for the car. He ran out and stopped me, demanding that I explain myself. I really didn't even want to look at him, much less talk to him, but when I told him what a saw, he says he thought it was an invite to be added as a friend to yahoo messenger. (The icons where almost indenticle.)

I told him that I could see it being a mix up on his part, but why does yet another girl that he had regular contact with, think that they have that kind of relationship, knowing that he's married. I'm getting really fed up with all the lies, and just don't know what to believe from him anymore, and he doesn't understand why I can't just talk to him instead of overreacting.

I'm ready to start asking questions to these other women, but still not sure if that's the best idea. That could cause way more drama, but part of me feels like, what's the difference if I'm going to be lied to anyway. (no, I'm not 100% that he's lying now, but his track record isn't good with me anymore.)

I told him that yes, it seemed like in this case, it was a misunderstanding and didn't go well, but I in no way think I overreacted, and asked that he looked at it from my point of view. He says, going with my track record, I would've done more research and made sure he even had an account with the network first. He didn't. I just don't feel like I need any more research when I see stuff like that. He doesn't get the benefit of the doubt anymore.

He mentioned that I've been more distant, but doesn't mind me taking some time to have my space going out with friends. He just wishes we were closer, and I had more faith in him. I wish that too, but we're just not there yet. I told him I'm going out so I can be an individual again and get my self esteem back. I need that to insure that I'm not tolerating being treated less than I should be.

He says I should work on changing my thinking, but that's the same as changing my feelings. It doesn't just happen. It takes time and work. I told him I wanted to get some counseling, but he says he doesn't want it because he's done nothing wrong. I've started looking for places I can go by myself, maybe check on some churches in the area and see if I can find something free or really cheap. I might just wind up sticking with alanon for awhile because that's free. The next meeting is in a couple of days, but I've got some phone numbers if I need to talk to someone sooner. I won't be sharing my problems in the meeting anytime soon though. There were too many familiar faces that know us and his family from AA. Not very unanimous for me. Lol, but I can call someone and talk privately with them.

On a lighter note, basketball was rough today. I have a knot on the back of my head, I'm still waiting to see if a bruise is going to show up on my jaw, and my back got a nice readjustment from an unexpected screen. I'm glad I can take a hit...or 20. Those guys really aren't taking it easy on me out there. Lol. To be fair, they owed me a few. One week, I clocked a guy good below the eye with my elbow. It left a bruise on me too. It was the same guy that hit me good in the jaw today, so it was a fair tag back. Knocking heads and a hard screen kind of get cancelled out though because we both get a piece of those hits.

I'm solid and have a hard head though, so I can take a licking and keep on ticking. Lol

[CHANDLERS WISH]

IDK, I see, if you start checking everything then there is zilch trust and invasion and soul destroying as you guess at everything or find things that were old, think that they are new.

Then I see, why make that statement? That you can check if he has an account? There are two sides to that, one he doesn't and two he does but not on that computer and he learnt how to hide things.. Another soul destroying moment.

The icons are the same? Are they or is that what he said? My understanding is, such in such has invited you to join Yahoo chat, or such in such has invited you to join speed dating... Don't we read words?

And, then there is him running after you, him trying to talk to you which is a good sign.

And, then there is "there is nothing wrong with me"...I don't need it, lordy I heard that one before, denial

IDK love, either you find out everything and go from there or leave it all alone and keep just working on you until you feel he has earn't your love and second chance...but he has to contribute to that, or he'll just keep pushing you away and you will just keep your distance, thereby pushing him away...

[Crystalblue]

I do feel like checking his emails etc. is not done in a healthy relationship, but he knows I can and gave me permishion. I don't want to feel like I need to, but still feel like, well, do I need to keep an eye on him, or ignore my fears? I check about once a week if that.

The invite was new. I did look at the date, and the icons did look like yahoo messenger. I believe that he didn't know what it was, but your right. He could hide any and all computer activity. I don't think that's the case this time. I read, but he's less focused on details than me. Lol

What I'm more upset about is there being another person who had this kind of relationship with him. This is someone he still has on facebook and has her contact info, someone I specifically asked about when we talked before.

He says, even if that's what she was thinking, it's not what he was thinking, so it shouldn't matter. He says, maybe she just hit select all on her email and sent an invite to everyone. No, I don't think so. I really doubt she wants all her friends and family knowing about her use of a speed dating network. I can't picture her sending mom an invite like that. She thought my husband would be interested in the invite, or else it wouldn't have been sent to him.

Urg! I've got more writing to do! Really wanted to smack him!