[CHANDLERS WISH]

You were horrible but had a great time? Huh lols

Good for you though, on the last note...kind of feeling a little proud of you, even though I am going back to bed, 5hrs sleep sucks

[Crystalblue]

I've been using the last few days to get out of myself. There's enough going on with family and friends to keep me busy helping someone out or celebrating something good. Breaking out of my routine has helped a lot, too.

My husband and I are easing past the hurt pretty well. I haven't even felt the need to talk about the cheating and how he hurt me. Every few days, I still get the urge to go through his accounts, but I feel like that's pretty normal. I don't trust him the same, but hopefully we can continue to build on that. I feel like I'm moving past this though, into a stronger person.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You have two things:-

The will
&
The desire

But more importantly, you are doing so much for YOU and so you are finding YOU and it's from that strength that you will succeed for YOU Whatever that success is.....

[Crystalblue]

I've been doing a lot to break out of my comfort zone. I'm going out without the kids at least once a week. I'm doing fun stuff just for the sake of doing it now, not so much because I know I need to. I feel like overall, I'm getting to a better place, but I'm having a rough time today for some reason.

Nothing's happened to make me feel like my husband's at fault for me back tracking and having a hard time with it today, besides the obvious, but I feel all ripped up inside again. I think inside my head, I'm still trying to decide what kind of man I'm with. If he just made a mistake and it won't happen again, or if he's selfish and will continue to be selfish.

I went through his accounts today and noticed that a part of me wants to find something. Then I'll know. I can say, "well, I tried, but you're not good enough for me. I need someone who wants all I can give." Until we have trust back, I feel like I'm stuck in a mental battle with myself. He's trying to show me, I'm trying to convince myself, that he won't do this again.

We've made some steps in the right direction, but haven't reached the other side yet. I don't know if should tell him how I'm struggling. I don't want to keep having this conversation. I want to move on and I feel like we are, but...just a rough day.

[WildChild]

If he can't handle honesty, how can you heal this? Share what you are feeling and what you need from him.

[Crystalblue]

I wound up telling him last night. We didn't drawl it out into a long conversation, I just told him I was feeling sad again, and he asked what set it off. I told him that I guessed it was just time for me to hear that I had nothing to worry about again. He's already told me he wants me to let him know when somethings bothering me, but a lot of what's going on in my head, he won't have an answer for, and I don't want to keep bringing it up. It's all trust. I have no way to prove that he's not lying, it's all how I feel and how he treats me. Since I'm so easily confused by my emotions and trying to find the right answer, I worry that I'm going to be suckered again.

I had prepared myself to be strong so I could make the decision to leave him if he couldn't treat our relationship with respect, and part of that is remembering the pain he's capable of causing, but I'm wondering if I have to let go of that if I'm going to be happy staying with him. It puts me in a vulnerable situation and I'm not sure I'm ready for that.

[caterpillar79]

I had prepared myself to be strong so I could make the decision to leave him if he couldn't treat our relationship with respect, and part of that is remembering the pain he's capable of causing, but I'm wondering if I have to let go of that if I'm going to be happy staying with him. It puts me in a vulnerable situation and I'm not sure I'm ready for that.

I can relate to how you feel right now. I am in a very vulnerable spot as well, though mine is another story untold to many but the mods. I don't want to drag you down with me and my current emotional state and mood. However, I strongly advise you to go with his actions every time he promises something he will do or change. If you feel insecure (as I am right now), ask yourself: Can I be happy on my own? Does my world revolve around him and him alone? How can I become secure enough to not care too much and just be present and enjoy what the moment brings? How can I be okay and acknowledge how I feel for the time being and work it out by myself without putting pressure on him?

I am currently working on those questions myself. I will try to PM you soon about my details as I see how we can support each other (hopefully). These questions, (as it sank in to me last night), made me think. And somehow helps me mind my own business and not him. So far, it helps me work out on myself and try to be strong no matter what tomorrow brings. We've been on that same old spot, where I tell him how I feel and he tries to comfort and/support me (or at least act like it), but a few days later, we're back to square one. There is no changing. I am fooling myself, and so is he. So maybe, it would help if we, as ladies, try to sort out our own issues from deep within for now and find that strength that no matter what, we will be okay. What do you think, Crystal?

[Crystalblue]

I'd like that. I have a very supportive friend helping through the days, but it'd be nice to have that with someone who knows what I'm going through.

If you feel insecure (as I am right now), ask yourself: Can I be happy on my own? Does my world revolve around him and him alone? How can I become secure enough to not care too much and just be present and enjoy what the moment brings? How can I be okay and acknowledge how I feel for the time being and work it out by myself without putting pressure on him?

I know I could be happy on my own. It would take some time and a lot of work relearning myself, but I know I'd survive. My world does revolve around him, though. I've taken a lot of me time to go out and be my own person, but I've given myself completely to this one person. I love him would do anything for him, including walking away if it came to that. I won't stay if we can't repair this. I wouldn't be happy with it, and it wouldn't benefit either of us. As far as finding the security to just enjoy the moments and not care so much...I go back and forth with it. We've been playing basketball on Sundays, and I think that carries me through the first half of the week. Then I do a downward spiral the last half. I'll have to see about adding a walk Wednesdays or Thursdays. I've absolutely been putting the pressure on him to help me through it. If I didn't, he'd be in front of the tv the entire time he was home. Lol

There's a lot I have to work through without him, though. Like I said, I can't prove he's not lying to me about never doing it again. We can continue to work on trust together, but I have to find a way through my own insecurities. My self esteem took a beating, and I'm building it back. They're related, but a little different. I think part of it is having a game plan, knowing the steps I could take to support myself.? I've been brainstorming about careers and going to school, trying to find what I want out of life. I think starting something like that would give me a feeling of accomplishment and self worth, hopefully a little security.

I am so very tired of the emotional roller coaster.

[Hopeless Dork]

There was a time early in my relationship when my bf was a bit inconsiderate with my feelings, years later I can think of how it felt in that moment and be hurt at him, for NOTHING he's currently done. Something just triggers it, I think of it... and start doubting his feelings for me and my feelings for him. It usually leads me to be upset with him, unable to verbalize why.. eventually it comes out, my insecurites... he knows me well enough to know what I need in those moments: reassurance. He never tires of telling me all the things I need to hear to feel better. Its rarer and rarer that I have those moments... but when they do, he's learned to just be there for me and we always come out the other side happy and loving each other even more.

So my advice to you would be to try to stifle as many of those episodes as you can, really try. But when its just so emotionally overwhelming and heavy on your heart... share that, tell him what you need, don't be afraid to say you just need to be reassured. We're humans, we need comfort sometimes. It should not be embarassing to tell the man you love that you are feeling insecure.

The big thing is that you have to do the best you can to keep it underwraps, the most loving man/woman in the world would become immune and cold to having to keep being the bad guy/girl that hurt you. No one wants that role... and every time you express your hurt, it reminds them how they hurt you. While it is good for someone to know the impact their actions have, having it rammed down their throat day in day out could be too much for anyone to bear.

Forgiveness is essential to healing, you have to truly forgive... it doesn't mean you wont remember and you wont hurt occasionally... but once you fully forgive, fully take comfort in him being only human, only then you can you truly start building that trust again. While you hold on to resentment, the whole 'how could you do that to me???"... the anger will weigh too heavy for you to move forward in a positive way. You have to let go of the how could he do it to you, why did he do it to you, feelings ... fact is, its done, for whatever reason... and it was obviously more of a selfish thing than something he was doing TO you, to hurt you on purpose (not that THAT makes it feel better, but still... it wasn't an act of war toward you, it was more of a choosing himself and the moment).

But neither here nor there, if you want to work it out with him.. thats the part you have to find peace with because there will NEVER be an answer he can give you as to why he did it that will make it all better. It was selfish, it was harmful to the relationship, but... it was a mistake.

Just turn to him when you need the support, and try to cope and move forward as much as you can on your own as well. Time is the only thing, time and his continuing to show how much your relationship matters to him that will make this better. You will have good days, you will have bad days, but at least you are introspective enough to understand whats going on with you.

[caterpillar79]

...... it was obviously more of a selfish thing than something he was doing TO you, to hurt you on purpose (not that THAT makes it feel better, but still... it wasn't an act of war toward you, it was more of a choosing himself and the moment)...

That is very true, HD. It was that moment, he chose HIM and what HE wants at that time, failing to consider his other half and how she'd feel about it. It is a major character flaw. And the man's inability to address it from its grassroots would possibly allow another similar incident, a pattern that cannot be broken unless he does something. Hence, it is difficult to regain trust even if you forgive.

It is not you who has the problem, it's him. Your problem is how to deal with your insecurities without putting so much pressure on him reassuring you time and time again, because this will wear him down, too. If this kind of pressure is alleviated, he could focus more on working on himself, notwithstanding both your good days and bad days and how you both work through it together - that's why you married each other, you love each other in the first place.

How are you with your reading the book? Has it helped any of your understanding of things? Like HD said, triggers come up and both of you need to be able to recognize that and know how to communicate and identify what it is, how it comes up and pin it down before it wreaks havoc on your well-being. Enjoy the good days and thank him every time you feel good. During the bad days, learn to tell him in particular what it is that causes something unpleasant and be able to talk about it without too much drama (I'm guilty about that). You are both growing because of this and just for that, it would make you closer and stronger together.