[pretzel]

Lol. No fair using my own thoughts from earlier in the thread. I think time is going to be a deciding factor on this. I'll have to wait before I can look back and go over the consistency of his change. In a way, my husband's right, but I wish he could see how important having fun with him is for me to rebuild the trust that was lost.

Definately it will take time, and energy.

But as long as there is progress, hopefully it'll work out the way you want.

[Crystalblue]

I've been trying to decide where to start my job search. My favorite, hands down, was the car wash, but I don't think that would be a safe choice right now. I think having fun at work with a bunch of guys would be counterintuitive for what I'm trying to build with my husband. I'm seeing work as less of a chance to do something fun, & more of the means to do it. A couple of days ago, I decided I'd really like to take a rock climbing class. Lol. I'm afraid of heights, but I think I'd have a blast, or die trying. Lol. There's a lot of stuff like that I know I'd enjoy and grow from, but I'd have to work to be able to afford it. I'm even considering just going back to fast food. There's a few places around the corner I can look into, but I'm trying to think everything through first. I'll give it some time & think about what I need, but don't see myself sitting on my hands and waiting for everything to turn around. I'm more of a get out & make it happen type of person, so it's hard for me to understand my husbands logic of time is all we need. I agree that's part of it, but it's also what you do with that time.

[Crystalblue]

I couldn't bring myself to have the same talk again with my husband. He keeps asking me what's wrong, but I've already gone over everything with him several times. If he doesn't get it, I don't think he's going to. I really don't think I could spell it out any clearer. Every time I mention something fun we could do, he doesn't "feel" like it, but he's keeping up with his schedule for playing ff. He told me Mondays, Thursdays, Saturdays, & Sundays were his days to play & that he would make sure it doesn't interfere with our together time. I'm pretty sure I can nail down a job for those days. Seems like the perfect move & I won't have to see him play wishing he'd spend that time with me

[caterpillar79]

Crystal, your story resonates with me so profoundly, minus the cheating part, masturbating (3rd party section). I was always online in this forum because of that until even the presence in the forum is no longer helps me, in fact, it somehow added to my burnt-up emotions, so I decided to take a "leave" modding, (thanks to my very supportive and understanding fellow mods and head mods, and admin).

Like you, I am also a hands - on, plan and get it done person. If I am anxious, I find peace in my garden, so I have a small patch of plants - ornamental and edible. During warmer temperature, I'd go there and just do little things and leave him alone. During winter, I joined a wellness center where I worked out almost everyday, did some jogging and a lot of other things. Believe me, I tried to keep him at arms length, but all the more I did those, (at first), the harder it was for me. Until I WC suggested for some of us to read, "Let's Face it, Men are $$#%\e$": What Women Can Do About It" by Rock and Duncan (I know, I am suggesting another book).

For some reason, after I read that book, I felt empowered and so I cared less of how he felt about me and I decided to re-focus myself - on me. You know what I did? I tried the odd-even days suggested in the book. You might want to try it to find out how you'd feel. During the odd days (3,5,7...), act as if you were on your own, single, he's not in the picture. This is the time for you to do as suggested by WC, go out, pamper yourself, pursue a new hobby, find something to do without asking his permission, (and he's not included in that activity). On even days, act as if you were a newly wed, be as sweet as you can be, do things for him, but still not imposing for his participation. You will have to keep silent about how you feel for now, for no direct approach (telling him how you feel, etc.) has worked so far. Instead, give him what he wants and more of it (suggested in the book). I really took it as my experiment (my husband might get mad at me when he reads this).

To cut the story short, I confused him. And the mystery was alive once more, slowly (literally, slowly), I found him making time for me without me asking him to do so. The more you ask or want it, the harder it is for them to give, apparently, so do not ask over and over for a time together. My answer to his playing video games to much (along with another issue, which is another story), is getting a second job (in the evenings). I've been on my second job for almost 3 months now and so far, he is actively scheduling some "us" time, not me, he is the one initiating, though now that we have established more connection, I do offer an activity here and there and he compromises. Eventually, I also found joining him in some of his video games and we have a blast, except for another issue (another story) - the other issue, we are trying to work on at this time and would be a life-long deal.

Before I close my rant, please try to answer these questions as honestly as you can from your heart.

What is it really that bothers me when he plays his games all day?
a. Do I feel neglected because of his actions?
b. Do I feel that he is not attracted to me because he doesn't pay much attention to me anymore?
c. Is it the online cheating/hook-up that happened that really bothers me?
d. Do I not trust him not to do it again, that when he plays, I feel as if I have to keep my guard up?
e. How do his actions affect my health? How much is the stress in me right now?
f. Do I feel like he does not love me as much as I do love him/expect him to?
g. What am I really afraid of?
h. What negative associations do I have with him playing in his Xbox all day?

I know this is really long, but unless you are able to find the root-cause as to why you feel the way you do when he plays his xbox/online game, it will be hard for him to understand where you're coming from. But, for you to be able to answer the questions more accurately, he also needs to cooperate with you so that you can really find out what in particular is bothering you.

Have your husband read this from the first book I recommended for you to read (Emotional Infidelity, page 86, 2nd paragraph - I think). It says, "If you have hurt your spouse in a specific way in the past and continue to do so, then every time you hurt him/her, your spouse feels some of the pain from every past hurt as well". I suspect that the pain he's caused you is associated with him playing his game (maybe the cheating with the Xbox girl, etc...), and when he plays, the old hurt gets rehashed.

I hope you can find a counselor to help you so he can hear a neutral opinion. This might help as well.

[Crystalblue]

Until I WC suggested for some of us to read, "Let's Face it, Men are $$#%\e$": What Women Can Do About It" by Rock and Duncan (I know, I am suggesting another book).

lol. It's a good thing I like to read. I'll put it on my list and get it as soon as I can.

I tried the odd-even days suggested in the book. You might want to try it to find out how you'd feel. During the odd days (3,5,7...), act as if you were on your own, single, he's not in the picture. This is the time for you to do as suggested by WC, go out, pamper yourself, pursue a new hobby, find something to do without asking his permission, (and he's not included in that activity). On even days, act as if you were a newly wed, be as sweet as you can be, do things for him, but still not imposing for his participation. You will have to keep silent about how you feel for now, for no direct approach (telling him how you feel, etc.) has worked so far. Instead, give him what he wants and more of it (suggested in the book). I really took it as my experiment (my husband might get mad at me when he reads this).

So there was a little bit of sanity to the idea of me switching off days between being strong and vulnerable. Lol. I'm gonna have to try this. Thanks and I hope your husband doesn't get mad. Tell him only girls are supposed to be that sensitive. lol. My plan is to use next week to go window shopping at some different stores in the area and think about if they're places I'd like to work. Get out and wander around and start my job search at the same time. I can even do it alternating days to go along with the even, odd trial.

[What is it really that bothers me when he plays his games all day?
a. Do I feel neglected because of his actions?
b. Do I feel that he is not attracted to me because he doesn't pay much attention to me anymore?
c. Is it the online cheating/hook-up that happened that really bothers me?
d. Do I not trust him not to do it again, that when he plays, I feel as if I have to keep my guard up?
e. How do his actions affect my health? How much is the stress in me right now?
f. Do I feel like he does not love me as much as I do love him/expect him to?
g. What am I really afraid of?
h. What negative associations do I have with him playing in his Xbox all day?

This is something me and my husband have gone over a lot since he started planning on playing again. I told him that I understood that the game wasn't the problem. I know I don't trust him to not do it again right now, but it's so much more than that. I've told him at least 4 different ways that when you're having fun and interacting at the same time, you start to form a bond that builds trust. That's what I've been asking for. When he plays, he gets on his headset and that's what he's doing with his online friends. I don't get why we can't be doing that. I even told him this way, comparing it to how he made friends online. He understands what I want, but when he plays all day, it feels like he doesn't care. It does make me feel neglected, but it's more like he's rubbing it in my face, daring me to move on. It makes me feel like he doesn't want to try and he's just waiting for me to leave. This whole situation has stressed me out a lot. Too much has changed at once. I'm slowly getting over being depressed about it, but I've lost a lot of weight the last few months. I feel on guard when he uses any online equipment. His xbox, his laptop, his phone, they're all on my list of things to break. I know most of it's trust, but he's not working with me to start building it back up, at least not the way I need him to. He seems to think sitting around watching scrubs is our cure. I get comfortable while we're watching together, but once it's over, no improvement in how I feel.

I think I do need to back off about it though. Obviously talking to him about what would help me isn't doing the trick. Thanks for the advice. I'll start a game plan today.

[caterpillar79]

He probably needs to hear this the way you worded it on here:

You said, "I've lost a lot of weight the last few months. I feel on guard when he uses any online equipment. His xbox, his laptop, his phone, they're all on my list of things to break. I know most of it's trust, but he's not working with me to start building it back up, at least not the way I need him to. He seems to think sitting around watching scrubs is our cure. I get comfortable while we're watching together, but once it's over, no improvement in how I feel."

[Crystalblue]

I'll see how things go this weekend before I talk to him about this again. Yesterday when he asked about watching tv together, I told him no, he could go play. I was going to write for awhile. Today, we went out for our brunch & when we got home he started playing again. I took off on a walk without complaining about it. A little while later he texts me asking what I'm up to. I was up at the car wash catching up with everyone & asking how work had been. I told him where I was and what I was doing, & that I was checking in about going back to work there, but it didn't sound like business had been good. I told him I was gonna hang out for awhile, but he sent back a text saying he'd see me whenever then, so I headed home thinking he was upset.

He had gotten in the shower so I went over a list I had made of ways to show him that I loved him. I wrote him a letter about a time he made me feel loved and made me love him more. It made me feel a lot better & he acted a lot cuter after reading it. I've left him alone about everything today, though. He says we're gonna go wander around at the store later & he initiated the idea, so I'm thinking to bring it up now might hurt more than help. We'll see how it goes. So far, all the stuff he mentions us doing, doesn't actually happen in the end, but I think leaving it alone for now & cheering myself up is going to work better. If he doesn't follow through on the plans, I'll just go alone. Pulling away & doing what I need seems to be sending a clearer message.

[Crystalblue]

He went on call at 5 and got called in at 9. We had plenty of time to go from when he first mentioned it, so seems like another attept from him to soothe me with words. Still don't know if I should bring it up and talk about it with him more. I might write it down for him to read later, but I know he has to be tired of hearing about it because I'm tired of listening to myself try to explain it to him. Every time I think I've gotten through to him, he proves me wrong. Lol. I'm a little irked, but noticed I'm not surprised at all. I still feel like personally I'm making progress, moving past this without him. Going out & pretending to have fun is starting to feel fun.

[Crystalblue]

Over all we had a great day today. It's my husband's birthday so I let him be lazy this morning & took off shopping for his cake. He said he would go, but wanted to wake up first, but I decided I'd run around by myself while he got moving around. When I got back, we made plans to go out together & then he got a call from his friend he sent the text messages with. In my husband's defense, she tricked both of us by using a different phone. She called to tell him happy birthday & that she was sorry for all the trouble she caused. He kept it short & got off the phone with her, but everything came back in a rush. It set off a whole nother talk, but it was more him asking me what I was feeling and trying to calm me down. He said he didn't want to just hang up on her, her feelings were already hurt enough. It brought up another point I'd been going over in my head, but hadn't talked to him about. He's so concerned with saving face and not hurting someone else's feelings, but he knows It's hurting me at the same time. I told him it wasn't about going out of his way to hurt her feelings, I could have done that myself a long time ago. I resisted all the ideas of revenge because I knew that wasn't the answer. I'm sure I could ruin her marriage with little effort, but bottom line is, I'll still be in the same situation. I explained the part of the book caterpillar mentioned. Everytime something related to what caused all this pain comes up, I'm not just feeling that moment, I'm feeling every moment of hurt that this has caused. We were able to talk through it to a point where I wasn't angry & he wasn't defensive thinking I was in attack mode.

We went out, went to a game store for him to pick out his present. He got one for him & one for us to play together (had to be a zombie game. Lol. I'm gonna have nightmares!), then we went and tried out a new restraunt, and stopped to get ice cream before coming home. I felt like it was my birthday. It was everything I'd been needing.

I still feel all giddy from our day together. I know we can't go out like that everyday, but I'm hoping there's more fun to come and I won't have to wait for another birthday to roll around.

[pretzel]

Hi Crystal,

It's always refreshing to hear that good days can still happen, despite little bumps. It's progress, even if it's only a day at at time.

If I may, I'm still a bit leery about all the gaming though. I still wish that the gaming wasn't going on as much.

But, that is coming from someone who doesn't play nor really never did, so it's probably just me.