[CHANDLERS WISH]

The battle of the minds.

Getting yourself stronger, working towards living for yourself and being happy, confident, beating the in-securities, showing him that you can live without him and enjoying things whilst you go through this process

Then the old life, there he is walking through the door, the memories comes back all that hard work squashed for the day as you check again his phone, computer, what ever is around looking for validation of "the past" ..

Then the rollercoaster begins again whilst you go back to plan (A), standing stronger.

QUITTING CIGARETTES
CHANGING YOUR APPEARANCE SLIGHTLY - SHORTS PUSH UP BRAS
WALKING
GOING OUT TO THE LAKE
WINDOW SHOPPING WITH FRIENDS
LOOKING AT CAREERS


STOP



You can not make so many changes in your life, and expect your mind to accept them all and to forget the past either.

You have to take steps to change things, not try bullet at a gate to change everything at once, because once you attempt that? Then you go on a rollercoaster and mix past with present and future and all of a sudden feel it's all too hard and get depressed and focus only on what you know, which at present is the past because all you are doing at present, is alot of changes which haven't become habit yet and locked in your brain as part of the now, a given, it's still working on becoming the present....

Only do things that make you happy, feel alive, and make that consistant.... Cut down on smoking but don't focus on giving up yet, careers don't focus on yet, it's you personally that you have to focus on and be consistant...Quit worrying about trust for the time being, it's doing no good and it's not helping him prove anything either, should he be trying to and mean it, and quit looking at his stuff, it's you you have to focus on and only you, he's just a man there are millions out there, there is only one you.

[Crystalblue]

The book was helping me. I'm at the section on finances and lost interest. I'm still going through it, but at a much slower pace now. I'll have to keep motivated to finish because it was giving some good advice.

I'm still having trouble separating my bad feelings. (what's being caused by my own insecurities and what's being triggered by him). A lot of the time I wind up not talking to him about it at all because if I can't tell him why I feel like this, I don't want to bring it up. There's a few things I'm still woundering about bringing up.

He's playing video games everyday again. That part I don't feel like nagging him about anymore. Instead, I'll invite him to go out and do something. If he doesn't want to go, I go without him. I might tell him we need another day during the week to spend together, but beyond that I feel like if what he decides to do will speak to me more clearly than if I had to constantly pester him.

My husband's an alcoholic in recovery, but he hasn't been going to meetings or talking to anyone in the program. He was described to me as a dry drunk which I agree with. He's isolated himself from anyone who might call him on his mistakes. I think that might have a lot to do with this in the first place. He's not accountable to anyone, but his family. That's not enough, and I'm really worried about what will happen if he doesn't change that. I told him I wanted him to find someone he could talk to about what he did and what we're going through. He agreed to, but hasn't done it. It's been months since I first brought it up. He seems to be trying to get a hold of a friend, but there are lots of people he could go to. He brings it up every once in awhile, but I don't think riding him to get it done would be productive on this one either. I think I need to go to Alynon instead.

The last thing is kind of tricky for me. When I heard him talking to someone else, he said some...foreplay talk that he says to me regularly. He doesn't know anything about what I heard and it's really starting to bother me. Part of me thinks I should tell him to stop saying that stuff to me. I'm his wife. He should be able to dig deeper and tell me something else. Part of me thinks that it's not as big of a deal as I'm making it out to be, just insecurity. At this point, I think asking him to not say certain things would help, and I'll probably wind up talking to him about it soon.

[Crystalblue]

I didn't see your post CW, until after I posted mine, and then I had to get dinner marinating.

I hadn't thought about the effects changing so much would have. It is a lot, but in a good way. Doing all this different stuff is exciting to me. It makes me feel strong, but I never concidered it putting my brain on overdrive. Lol. Totally makes since.

I feel strength from the idependence I'm practicing. When we're back together at the house, I start feeling down again. I feel like I'm getting a lot out of everything I've changed though, even feeling more adventurous about what my outings will be. I'm going to a festival with a friend for Independence Day. I like doing stuff like this, but it stresses me out because I have a hard time with crowds sometimes. It puts me on edge. (No fireworks, boo! Too hot and dry.)

My husband wanted to stay at the house and barbecue and watch fireworks on tv, but that would mean spending his day playing video games, while me and the kids twiddle our thumbs. We're ditching him to go out and enjoy the holiday.

I get that I might be changing too much for my brain to handle, but I don't really know how to slow it down. If I do, all the feelings catch up to me. All the changes have been partially a way to outrun what I'm going through. (Made me think of Langeliers. Sp? Any Steven King fans?)

[WildChild]

Go out and enjoy the holiday. He can join you if he wants. You and the kids shouldn't be stuck because of him. Fireworks on TV? I don't think so.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Honestly CB, you have a person with an addictive personality....changing one addiction for another, yet the computer addiction isn't worse off course alcohol is for the body, but for the mind it is worse , because he can act out as a different person if he wants to, it's his "now" happy zone"...a replacement from alcohol where that made him happy for a while but on the next bottle, glass, made him miserable.....The computer only makes him happy and he brings forth two people, his self and his other personality, his self uses the foreplay talk why? He's married.....

Your mind is in two places just like his....At home, if you capture the old him, if you get him out and enjoy yourself, then you remember the old him and that's comfort given, all the happy things you are finding from being alone, it's exhilerating, fun, happy if he enters that zone then it's all good but 95% of the time, he's not...So, naturally you are finding yourself stuck, feeling sad, vulnerable and in-secure when you walk back in that door.

It's "two minds"...."two lives"...And, obviously you are fighting to win, but getting the clear message in your mind that you are happy alone, on your own, with friends, and your children than with him....

Just keep focusing on you, think of being "home" as, a current necessity, you've done your bit, you've talked, you don't need to talk anymore he's not really listening the day he will get help? Is the day you walk and on that day, you are just going to be 100% in love with your new life as you are learning it that you won't want that past in it...

I commend you for doing everything you can but I commend you more for finding you and all that you are....

If you feel overloaded? Stop haha, no seriously and re-assess if you are doing too much in either direction and watch the left foot giggle

[Crystalblue]

I'm gonna stick my left foot up his...! I'm trying not to get frustrated with him. Last night, I almost slept in the car because he wouldn't squish a roach for me. Lol. A lot of it is we've talked so much out, I just wish he would "do" more. He can tell when I'm upset. He constantly asks what's wrong, but if he took the time to take more action...

I don't know how much of this frustration is fair to put on him, but I don't wanna tell him "you're playing too much again. I don't like when you say that to me, when I heard you say it to someone else. It's time to go out and do something you don't want to do, so I feel better. You need to go talk with real friends so you keep your mind on the right track." I would feel like I was manipulating the situation, and I'm sure he would start to feel that way, too. Not that it wouldn't help me, but to keep pointing out every little thing and make him feel obligated to follow through as the "bad guy", it would make the relationship lopsided. I may be the "wronged party", but at some point it would be abusing the power of being justified.

[Crystalblue]

It turned into a well balanced Independence Day. The kids and I went to the festival with my friend and her son. It wasn't crowded at all, so we took time to let the kids do everything and run around while her and I caught up and talked. Then, we went back home for a nice steak dinner my husband cooked. We relaxed for a couple of hours and headed back to my friends for swimming and more barbecue. Lol. Her and I had planned on calling it a day after that, but decided last minute we needed some fireworks, so we drove a couple of counties over to the one place that hadn't cancelled their's. It was packed, but we still managed to find a parking spot quick and our own little area to set up.

My husband sat at the house all day, but I still managed to throw a great day together with my friend. I've known her for years, but decided against telling her what was going on with my marriage, so not only was I able to change the subject for awhile, but I could also just completely focus on us having a good time.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Surely, he sulked, or got mad a bit at you having such a great day? Or, was he releaved at being left alone to play, play, play on that computer?

Just curious

Irrespective, you are growing into an independent woman whom can stand on her own two feet, make her own decisions, not follow any directions rather go with the flow as well, add adventure into the day, rebel about stopping and continuing to party, make the kids happy, enjoy good conversation, forget your whoes, I mean you've got to be happy with that

[Crystalblue]

Heck yeah! Lol. It was a great day.

My husband sent a lot of texts asking if we were having a good time while we were away. I'm not sure if he was sulking, I think it was more to check to see if I was angry about him not going along too. When we came back for lunch, he said a few things making it sound like it was my fault we weren't spending the day together. I let it roll off and let it go. I wasn't angry about it, but far from not caring that he wasn't with us. I guess I've accepted it, but I'm disappointed.

I've been dealing with him playing the day away for long enough to know what I missed out on while we were gone. We've spent enough holidays at the house when other family and friends are having fun visiting and making memories. I needed some happy memories of my own with my boys and our friends.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Sounds like he got the guilt trips and was trying to do the blame game

But, it also sounds like he didn't give an iota and didn't want to be part of that, he'd be missing the computer too much, ahhh love, well? It is lol's just over a friggen screen and what's behind it...

The main thing is heck yeah.....keep going on your journey......