[Crystalblue]

Awwww thanks CW. The encouragement means a lot to me. I'm going to keep up the "softly pushing" mixed in with days of me time. With all the advice and suggestions, I feel like I finally have a game plan that's working. It's taken a lot of energy just to get to this point, but the pay off of things starting to turn around has been worth it. I can't begin to describe the relief I'm feeling. Yes, it'll be an on going journey, but that's part of making a marriage work. If I get to a point where I'm done working, or it's just not worth it, that's when the journey with him ends. Hopefully we can build a better relationship to keep that from happening.

I want to get to a point where he's active in my life & our kids' lives, I can trust him to be there for me, & I don't have to doubt his commitment to our marriage and our family. I don't want that to feel like a continuous struggle, but I know relationships take constant work & give and take.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You should my love throw in the mixture of "bye, I be gone for a little bit, look after the kids", "why? where you going?", "oh just some me time"

[caterpillar79]

I like that, CW. It will be interesting to see his reaction.

Behavior Modification - we do this with our special students with behavior issues in the classroom and at home. Men with issues, I liken them with special kids (sorry). The way to "modify" their behavior is a painful and lengthy process. To simply describe it is this..."if you do this, this is what you get. If you don't this is the consequence - which one would you prefer, take a pick." But this is done is a subtle way. When he chooses to do the one that results to a positive outcome (based on what you perceive is positive/right for your marriage), then he gets a reward (positive reinforcement). The other way gets a negative reinforcement (consequences). In short, you are conditioning him - sounds like borderline manipulation, I suppose. But if done in the right way, it might work. It works with my students (and my husband so far - but with him, I don't really need to do it. We talk and discuss things a lot now. We see eye-to-eye).

[Crystalblue]

Lmao caterpillar. My husband is definitely "special". I'll use the method. & CW, I think random "I'm going out, you watch the kids" trips would be great for both of us. I'll pick a time when he's in the middle of playing. That's usually when I go walking, but having some me time and taking the car might help confuse him more. He knows when I take off on a walk by myself, I'm usually upset, but he won't know what to think if I take an unplanned trip to have fun.

[Crystalblue]

I haven't tried the random me time trips yet. The last two days, my kids have had track & field so after spending half the afternoon in the heat, I haven't had the energy. I have been doing more behavior modification, though. It seems to be working. If we go out together, even if it's just to run an errand, I'm extra sweet and show him that it makes me feel close to him. If he spends the evening in front of the tv, I pull away and do something to entertain myself. He even skipped his run on ff last night & he was trying to think up stuff we could do together monday. He has Memorial Day off, but the kids have school. It's a bad weather make up day for them, so we'll get some easy alone time without having to plan for a baby-sitter.

[pretzel]

That sounds like some positive steps if I might say.

Just a thought about Monday. Is there a local park that has a trail? A nice walk, just the two of you. Doesn't have to be long, but it is a nice way to both relax and enjoy oneself.

As an aside, one of the things I like to do is when my wife and I are walking somewhere, whether it's in the parking lot, or around the mall, I always hold her hand. It gives me a little sense of security and shows her that I'm still there.

[Crystalblue]

I love walking trails, but my husband doesn't like to. I'm hoping some day it'll seem fun to him, but right now, it's like pulling teeth. I've asked him about us just going for walks in the evenings, but he doesn't enjoy the outdoors like I do. The city used to do a trail of lights around Christmas at our big hike and bike trail, but I would have to practically beg him to go. I go without him to most of the park stuff.

He wants to do a movie and lunch on Monday. I know a movie isn't quality time, but I'm gonna try and tack on a barbecue after the kids get out of school. I'll have to check on our burn ban first, but if we can't do a fire to cook, we could make a picnic or pick something up on the way out. I have to plan out when and where before the weekend's over so he knows what's in store.

[Crystalblue]

I love walking trails, but my husband doesn't like to. I'm hoping some day it'll seem fun to him, but right now, it's like pulling teeth. I've asked him about us just going for walks in the evenings, but he doesn't enjoy the outdoors like I do. The city used to do a trail of lights around Christmas at our big hike and bike trail, but I would have to practically beg him to go. I go without him to most of the park stuff.

He wants to do a movie and lunch on Monday. I know a movie isn't quality time, but I'm gonna try and tack on a barbecue after the kids get out of school. I'll have to check on our burn ban first, but if we can't do a fire to cook, we could make a picnic or pick something up on the way out. I have to plan out when and where before the weekend's over so he knows what's in store.

[pretzel]

It's a shame. If he understood it's more than just the exercising he's missing out on.

In a sense, I guess it's better than nothing, movie and lunch.

[Crystalblue]

That's how I feel about it, too. I'll take what I can get, for now. The fact that he's planning a day out is a good step though. I'm pretty sure if we plan regular outings at the parks around us, we'd wind up walking the trails. I just have to get him into going. I got him to go camping with me a few times when our kids were little, so it can be done, I just don't want to turn it into a battle or else it'll take the fun out of stuff like this. He would be too determined not to have a good time.