[Crystalblue]

My husband started playing ff again today. I know it's not about the game, but I still feel some anxiety about it. He said he's not going to let it take away from our together time we've planned, so I'll have to see how that goes. I'm a little worried it'll just go back to the old routine. I don't want to spend most of our marriage in separate rooms of the house. I get that sometimes we wanna do different things, but I'm not ok with ****ing half the day away in front of a screen. I've told him how I feel & what I'm afraid of though, so...?

I'll work on finding my zen. Lol. There's no reason for me to get too worked up thinking about what might happen. I'll have to find something to do while he plays. I would sit & check out posts here, but I'm only good for an hour online, any more and I start feeling fat & lazy. Lol. But it's Saturday & I don't have to start dinner just yet, so I'm thinking a walk to clear my head.

If he uses Sunday to play I'll have to think up some more activities, which will be easy, but there's so much we could go out & do together. All my answers of keeping myself busy while he plays aren't going to bring us closer together. Grrrr! This is so frustrating. Ok, walk first, smash xbox with hammer later!

[Crystalblue]

He spent the whole day playing today. Apparently I'm supposed to sit patiently until we have money before he's going to spend time with me. Not only that but he's playing in a group that includes the person he had his skype sessions with. I guess he expects me to be ok with all of this, but I think it's time for me to stop pushing to open back up to him & pull out. I told him today what my choices were. I can protect myself and make plans to support myself without him, physically & emotionally, or I can choose to trust him & put myself in the position to be vulnerable. I don't feel like I can trust him not to hurt me again so I'm pulling out.

[Crystalblue]

I took a long walk yesterday to think over my situation and my choices. I left my phone and gave myself about an hour to cool down. That's how I usually deal with being upset. I don't boil over & scream, I just take myself for a walk & think. I got a lot of concern from my husband when I got back. Usually I don't leave my phone, but I really didn't want a bunch of texts from him when I was thinking everything over. He does a pretty good job of talking me down and putting me at ease, but I want him to show me we're going to be ok, instead of telling me.

Spurzzz had me thinking about his level of urgency on this. I'm really scared he's ok with just letting me slip away. I think I've done a good job of communicating to him where I stand & what my thoughts & emotions are. To be fair, I'm not the best at expressing myself when it comes to talking about how I feel. I knew how important it was that he know what's going on in my head & in my heart, so from the beginning of this, I've been writing him letters about it. I'll let him read what I'm going through and then we'll talk about it.

I don't know how many times I've talked with him about reconnecting. I've been crystal clear about us needing to spend time together & he talks about being ready to do that, then spends his weekend playing with the person he hurt me with. I lost my hope for him yesterday & I don't think he even noticed. He knew I wasn't alright, but nothing's changed. I've been putting all my energy into rebuilding, but feel the only thing he's shown me is that everything's temporary.

I'm gonna keep watching for change, but I can't make it happen. I guess I've just reached a level of acceptance about what's important to my husband & it's made me put more planning into what I need to do to look out for myself. I'm digging deep to not give up on our marriage, but I'm not ready to settle for a mediocre one either.

[WildChild]

Why not work on moving forward?
Are you in a position to support yourself?

If not start working on that. Reach out and start creating a good network of friends who are serious about their lives and doing good things. Get out and do things that interest you, see exhibits, concerts, go to lectures, take a class or seminar, give yourself a fuller life. You can invite him to come along - once per whatever. Don't ask over and over. Don't ask him if you can go either. Just simply and casually tell him you are going, would he like to go with. And then GO.

His responses will tell you what you need to know. But have enough that interests you and engages you, that his being part of it or not, is not a big deal. When the time comes if you decide to leave, you will have a real life and he will be engaged in fantasy.

[Crystalblue]

Thanks WC. I feel like that's where I'm at with this right now. I got really frustrated & started showing it a little more. Lol. I've gotta work on not keeping things bottled up too much. I'm not the best at telling my husband who I feel, but it's a work in progress & writing him letters has helped a lot. I feel a lot better after we talk, but then don't see the improvement I want. It still feels like I'm being asked to wait on what I feel I need right now.

I'm trying to remember that it takes some time for a person to change & it's going to take me some time to heal. He asked me if all that he's been doing was meaningless to me. I had to stop & think about it. Lol. He said he's enjoyed spending more time with me & thought we had been having a good time, but was getting the feeling that if he didn't do everything my way, nothing he was doing to try & help me get past this mattered to me.

He checks in with me a lot through the day while he's at work. When he gets home, we sit & talk about what we did during the day. He's a surgical tech. so his day is much more interesting then mine. Lol. Then we cuddle up on the couch & watch tv till I need to start dinner. The rest of the day is spent cleaning up & getting us & the kids settled, but we're still taking breaks to talk & be together. He's limited his phone use while we're sitting together, too.

I am frustrated that we're not doing more interacting & having fun at the same time. He still doesn't seem to get that watching tv together isn't giving me the reconnection I feel like I need, but I'm trying to be aware that he is trying. I think my friend noticed it before I did. She said that if I was going to give him a chance, I needed to give him a whole chance. I know it's going to take time, but I guess I'm still subconsciously waiting for the quick fix. I told my husband after I thought about it for a little while that I feel better while we're doing stuff together, but afterwards, it's not staying with me. Maybe I'm still in mourning over what I feel like we lost. Idk

I do feel like I need to follow WC's advice, but do it without closing the door on him. I can need him & want to be with him, without trapping myself in the same situation. I think the first thing I need to do is find a part time job & start working again. That'll be a little tricky right now because I don't wanna take away from the time I need with him, & summer break is coming up soon for the kids, so I'd have to work while my husband was off. I'm going to look into daycare positions to start off, but working is going to take some time management so that it doesn't keep us separated. I wanna help myself without hurting our relationship more.

This is all very confusing for me because there aren't very many ways for me to open up and make a stronger bond with my husband, while protecting myself from being hurt again. It seems like my choices are to be vulnerable or to walk away. I started saying a daily prayer for guidance, openness, and awareness. I'll try to figure out how to be strong & vulnerable at the same time, but might have to switch off between them from one day to the next. Lol

[pretzel]

Hi Chrystal,

A question and a thought,

In his mention of those things he's "doing" is it a question of him doing more things or the right things? My thought is that you can spend all day long with someone and still not really spend time with them. Talking about normal everyday stuff and what the kids did or the "how was your day" conversations don't always advance the process of regaining trust and confidence. That may go along with his wondering if what he is doing is meaningless or not. If he's open to what he feels he needs to do, not what it is you want him to do is a much more responsible approach and a much more mature approach on his end. Has he ever made suggestions as to what it is that he needs to do?

As for regaining your life, I think more importantly than working around his schedule, which may in all intents and purposes the only way to do it, it is extrememly important that whatever you decide to do, whether it be a part time job or going back to school, it is something that you will enjoy doing and not just for the sake of doing it. One thing I think is important in this process is that you need to do things that you find interesting and that you will enjoy.

[Crystalblue]

I think he's really trying, but he's not doing what I need. I don't know how many times I've explained, but I guess it's not sinking in. I told him, when we were first getting to know each other, we went out & did stuff. We played pool, we walked around stores, we played hackie sack, we went out with friends, had coffee. All that interaction built trust & that's what I need. It doesn't have to be going out & spending money, but sitting in front of the tv isn't the interaction I need. We sit outside & talk for awhile now, without him messing with his phone games every 2 seconds & that helps, but I keep telling him, we need to do something together to have fun with each other. I even told him if he wants to sit inside & not go anywhere, we could play halo or something. Anything! I really don't understand how else to tell him. I gave him examples of free stuff we could do, but said it wasn't about doing it my way, just having fun together. I don't really like video games, but I'd play just to have fun with him. Everytime I bring it up, he mentions us going out for brunch with the kids on saturdays & says once we finish the work on the car, we'll start playing basketball on Sundays. Think that would make a difference, but the future promise of doing things differently isn't going to help me right now. I'm sure I've been clear & explained why that's what I need, but he doesn't seem to get it. I'm really confused about him still not getting it, or just not caring.

[Crystalblue]

Oh, he said that he knows it's going to take time for me to trust him again. He's said his job is to show me I can trust him by not having sexual online relationships anymore. His answer is that by not doing that anymore, over time everything will heal itself. I think he really believes that's all it takes. That would be a start, but I have no way to trust that it's true.

[pretzel]

And a short, concise and sweet response is,

"Your actions will speak louder than your words"

[Crystalblue]

Lol. No fair using my own thoughts from earlier in the thread. I think time is going to be a deciding factor on this. I'll have to wait before I can look back and go over the consistency of his change. In a way, my husband's right, but I wish he could see how important having fun with him is for me to rebuild the trust that was lost.