[effy2014]

You are executing your plan to perfection. Baby steps are certainly better then nothing. He seems to be getting the message.

How are you holding up? The unfortunate part about leading him through this process is that you do not have the chance to grieve.

[KMonte85]

Thanks Effy! I'm holding up well, actually. Home life is a bit stressful with the cohabitation and whatnot, but as for dealing the end of our relationship, I'm really doing alright. Honestly, I did all my grieving over the last year and a half. As soon as I knew he was never going to do what he needed to keep our relationship alive, I started that process of getting over it. I got all my crying out. I went through the fear, the anger, and the disappointment. I worked through defining what my self worth is in the face of a failed relationship that was my world for almost 15 years. I've come to terms with the fact that I, for whatever reason, couldn't inspire the man I loved to appreciate me and that it doesn't mean I'm not worthy of love.

So all in all, I'm done crying and am starting to find my happiness again. It's still a work in progress, mostly with the resentment and anger that I feel, but I'm definitely on the mend

I think the biggest struggle now is dealing with the friends, family, and acquaintances who think this is a tragedy. Every day I have to deal with the shock and sadness of others for my situation. The people who pity me, or even blatantly question my choice to end my marriage can be infuriating at times. I don't need anyone to be "sorry" - sometimes divorce isn't a sad thing. I don't need anyone to question my choices, as if I came to them flippantly - I'm at peace with my choices, and I welcome with the future holds. Certainly this isn't a pleasant process, but it also isn't the end of the world!

[Texasred]

Give your friends and family a break: they'll say things like "I'm sorry to hear you're getting a divorce," because they can't think of anything else to say, and it's really tacky to say something like, "I can't believe you waited that long to dump that loser!" Besides which, where does that leave them if you two were to reconcile in 6 months?
So they say "I'm sorry" as a shorthand for "I'm sorry for the unhappiness that undoubtedly led to your having to do this," and "I'm sorry for the disruption this must be making in your life."
As for those who question your judgment: just blow them off, and don't feel obligated to be nice about it!

Best wishes for the future!

[atskitty2]

I'm glad to hear that things are progressing!

I have to agree with Texas. People say they're sorry because it IS a loss you're suffering, or have suffered. They couldn't offer their condolences over the last few years while you've been suffering, because they likely had no idea what was going on. Accept their apologies graciously, as their intentions are well meaning, to offer some comfort & support. I would often reply that I was doing well most days, but their thoughts were appreciated. Sometimes a smile & "thank you" seemed sufficient.

As for those who make it a personal thing: don't hesitate to give them a mouthful. I had people ask angrily, "what the hell are you thinking, to leave a man like that?" or, "I'd put up with just about anything to have what you had"... "But he's such a loving, wonderful man, I can't imagine what he could do...!" And my fave was, "but it's so obvious that he adored you, so it must be all your problems".
Those are the types of comments that cross boundaries, and deserve to be addressed directly & strongly, in my opinion. Sometimes people don't realize the implications they're making. I realize they also probably didn't mean to be offensive, but they need to realize that they had no part in my marriage, & no idea what happened. And they need to realize they're making assumptions & placing blame where they have no business.

Sure, I realized my correction of such ignorance, changed nothing or nobody's opinion, but it made me feel better!

[KMonte85]

Thanks for the feedback, guys! I should have been more specific. The people who offer their condolences are one thing, and I gracefully accept the apologies for the failed relationship - I'm not so sensitive that I don't see they're just being polite in an awkward social situations. I was venting more about the people who take it too far. The ones who blatantly criticize the decision to part (usually for their own personal/religious reasons), or question whether it was really "that bad" ...or the ones who think I'm now damaged goods, or less of a person because I'm going to be a husbandless divorcee and pity me and my poor lonely spinster life ahead. Basically, I've grown tired of the people who behave much like atskitty described - overstepping their boundaries. I literally had a "friend" start crying and demand that I cry with her as some sort of therapeutic powwow, then get offended that I chose to remain calm. When I explained I had done all my crying during the decision period, she said I didn't fully grasp the severity of the situation. THAT is the sadness/pity frustration I'm talking about. I'm still alive, and I'm getting better by the day. I have my whole life ahead of me, my health, and my happiness (even during some dark days).. it's exhausting to deal with these people some days and remain graceful.

For anyone following along looking for another update, here it is! I'm packing his things for him, and have found a few apartment options for him to look into, since he's chosen not to do so himself. I think he's mad, but I'm sick of waiting for him and watching him waste his days off of work playing on the computer or sleeping all day and then going out to dinner with his friends, only to come home, sleep and start that whole cycle over again.

Over the weekend the ambulance (the one he works on, coincidentally) had to pick up my mother and take her to the hospital where she has been admitted with pneumonia in both lungs. Matt didn't go on the call, but he did get the page to go. He did not get out of bed, or ask how my mother was when I got back from the hospital. So it seems he's either completely detached himself, or maybe is angry or bitter, or doesn't know how to react. Maybe a mixture of all three.

So I've been dealing with mom's care and aftercare plans when she comes home, helping my dad, and still continuing to coax Matt to leave. We have our final hearing in 2 months and a few days, and I really would like him out before then. Needless to say, it's a bit busy right now, but I'll make it work! I'm very much looking forward to peaceful days ahead. They're coming.. I know it!

[atskitty2]

Well, I assure you, it does subside. People eventually stop all that nonsense, when they get used to the idea. I remember telling one friend, who was attempting a similar chum-ba-ya moment with me, that I'd had months to come to terms with it, and frankly the fact that I was having to comfort HER, was making me quite uncomfortable...that seemed to help her realize that this divorce didn't happen to HER...it happened to me and wasn't a new concept in my life.
So, it does get better...but I totally understand the frustration with other's perceptions of you, and "it".

Stay strong. Caring for your mother & dealing with this, is a lot. Keep taking time for yourself in the midst of all the chaos.

[KMonte85]

I'm really looking forward to the criticism to subside. I don't need to be told I'm making some big mistake by people who have no idea what I've been living with. It seems to be getting better already, as the people who had anything to say have already said what was on their mind.

Now, however, I have a different interesting problem. I think Matt is starting to lose it. He had off of work since Thursday and has done nothing, and I mean, literally NOTHING. He lays in bed all day, sleeping, watching TV, and playing on his laptop. I confronted him on Thursday night, asked him what he plans to do as far as moving goes, and he again told me he's going to live with his parents for a while before finding a place. I asked him WHEN this was going to happen, and he walked away and went to bed and didn't come out.

Then I get a text message from his sister on Friday afternoon, inviting Matt and I to their home for a Mother's Day brunch. I asked her if she had head the news - she didn't. So I explained to her that Matt and I are divorcing and it will be final in less than 2 months, and that he told their parents so I assumed she knew - she is very close to their mom, they see each other almost daily. She knew nothing and was very angry to find out that way (not at me, but at the lack of communication on her family's part). So, come Saturday, I'm working in the backyard and I see a van drive by my house very, very slowly... it was Matt's parents.

I don't think he told any of his family.

Pretty sure he lied to me about his parents making up a room for him to stay. I don't think he intends to leave, as he hasn't made an effort to. And now he's in bed ALL. DAY. LONG. sleeping on the same sheets since I washed them last (in February). It's concerning. I asked one of his best friends if they could talk to him and try to support him, because I think he needs a friend. He said he has been trying to contact him since last week with no response.

I think I need to just tell him flat out he needs to leave, like within a week or two. Give him a date, and tell him if his belongings aren't gone by then, I will have them removed. I'm not sure what my rights are with that, legally speaking. He's said he does not want the house, but he lives there and we're technically not divorced yet.

I'm going to call the county today and figure that out. They can't give me advice, but they are able to tell me what the law says. I'm so done with this.

[atskitty2]

Ok. So he's in denial, probably deep depression, and maybe some other issues, and he's been lying to you.

Very sad.

I wouldn't hesitate to alert the authorities about what's going on, especially when you make the bold move of kicking him out. Doesn't mean they need to be present, but it's good for them to know the potential is there for some sort of altercation, whether verbal or physical.
He's a fireman correct? Is he also close with any law enforcement?

I'm sorry you're experiencing this. It will get better! Step by step and day by day. I expected things to worsen before the dawn of a new day...and I hope this is the darkest hour for you, and things begin to brighten now big hugs, many thoughts your way.

[KMonte85]

So Matt has officially moved out... kind of.

I told him I wanted him out by Memorial Day and he agreed that was a good idea. Most of his things are gone and he hasn't been sleeping here, although I also noticed that many of MY things are gone too, like every shelving unit in the basement and garage, one of my bikes, and a smoker. I've ask him to return them, and reminded him that he still had a number of items left at the house that need to be picked up.

I'm also getting all the locks changed... today!

Progress

[atskitty2]

Those are odd things to take along...did he say he'd return them? Bet he doesn't.

Glad there's finally some results for you. Keep us posted. When is the court date?