[KMonte85]

Friday I received a dozen roses at work. Went home and the house was clean and the litter boxes cleaned. On the one hand I really appreciated it, and told him the flowers were lovely and the house looked great. And thanked him... but, on the other hand, it felt so forced. Would he have done any of that had he not thought he was in the dog house? He hasn't in the years we've been together. And even if I took this as a sign that he's willing to change, how long will it last? When we had this discussion a year ago, he said he'd change and that lasted only a few weeks.

So, I told him that I was still certain we needed to separate. He cried, again, and told me he loved me. I asked if he told anybody about what was going on and he said no, so I explained to him he needed to talk to someone... ANYONE that isn't me, about what's going on. I mentioned his family, some of his closest friends, his pastor. Somebody he can express himself to. Then I told him I'm leaving for the weekend and asked if during the week he made any plans for what he's going to do. He said he had not, and also he has no where to go, which I called him out on. At that point, I was emotionally exhausted and lashed out. I told him perhaps he can call one of the friends, call any one of the guys he's helped out instead of spending time with me or helping me for the last 3 years, but any way he chooses to go about it - he needs to do something. He asked me what we could do to fix us, and I told him maybe he can figured something out. Then I packed my stuff and I left. He didn't contact me once between Friday and today.

This time away has shown me that I think I'm doing the right thing. I'm going back home tonight and I'm sure he'll be there, and I'm nearly positive he will not have made any effort to make a plan. Which means we have to have the same painful conversation all over again..

[effy2014]

You are thinking clearly and with great resolve. I know this is as difficult for you as it is for him. I admire your patience and your understanding that you will have to walk him through the break-up, even though it will not be appreciated. Good luck today.

[KMonte85]

Well, I came home and he wasn't there. I forgot he had training last night. He did write me a note:

"hey, it's Monday if we pass by know that all the animals have been taken care of for today. I've been thinking a lot and trying to come up with some magical words that will fix everything, but I know that I've hurt you by not being around. We've both become distant and bitter towards each other. I don't want that. All I want is for you to be happy. You're all I think about even when I don't show it or say a thing. I hope we can work this out. If not, I understand. Too bad it took me this long to figure things out. Love always"

[effy2014]

Now you have to ask yourself . . . is there a path to redemption? No one will (or should) blame you if the answer is no. I am sure you feel that you have wasted years explaining and being disappointed by his lack of a response. You need to evaluate if his epiphany is real and if he can last more than three weeks of a behavioral change. This period of separation may provide answers.

My only recommendation is not to evaluate based upon uncommunicated criteria. Last weekend, you were upset that he failed to call you. From his perspective, he may have thought that you needed or wanted to the alone time. If you think that there is something your husband can do to convince you that he is serious about change, be up front and tell him your expectations. It would be a shame if the lack of communication sabatoged a true effort at change.

Keep us informed.

[KMonte85]

I was a little disappointed, yes. But I also understand he was fearful to contact me. I don't hold that against him.

I know this is a bit of a crossroads, but I keep asking myself. Why is he doing this NOW? What is so different between now and when I told him this same thing a year ago? If I go back and read what I told him, I said I was going to leave him if he didn't change. I told him how serious it was, and I tried everything throughout the year to get him to step up and show me he wanted to be my partner in life. He didn't change. I feel like he was calling my bluff for a year. And I'm not sure I'm okay with that. There's that part of me that hopes he means it, but I really feel like in my heart of hearts that the damage may already be too great. We may just be spoiled milk at this stage, and you can't un-spoil milk.

[effy2014]

I understand the sentiment since I have been through this as well. There certainly is a "that's it" moment and nothing can change the decision. It is very hard to trust when you have been ignored for so long. I have been through the same issue and made the decision to divorce.

That said, your husband is changing because of your ultimatum. The underlying question is whether he can truly change for more then a few weeks. He called your bluff because, well, you were bluffing. It has taken you a year to reach this point of no return. Now he knows that there are no further extensions. Will the separation bring reality crashing upon him and make him change or is he just who he is? You will know in the next few months.

[atskitty2]

I think that what effy said there is a big part of it. You threatened it a year ago, but you didn't follow-through & actually leave, even for a weekend.
Sometimes, as with addicts, we have to hit rock bottom. We have to EXPERIENCE the reality of the consequences of our actions, or inactions. He didn't take you seriously, maybe now he sees the seriousness of the issues within the marriage.

You say that in your heart, you feel the damage may be beyond repair. What is your objective with the separation? How long will this go on, and what changes are you expecting/hoping to see? Will there be discussions/negotiations during this time, or a kind of clear space/clear head time to ponder?
No need to answer ME necessarily, just things to think about. As effy asked, is there a path to redemption, or is it a done deal in your mind? Is there anything he can do to make it worth another effort for you?

[KMonte85]

I seriously feel as though I'm done. It's not that I don't want to try again, but I just no longer have the feelings I would need to make another try successful. It's almost like I've been hurting too much over this length of time, that I've shut that part of me down and I can no longer see him as my partner in life.

At this point it feels like the separation is more for my husband to get used to the idea and get settled elsewhere, than it is for me to have a change of heart. For as much as I begged and asked and nagged and threatened, he seems to be blindsided by my move to dissolve our marriage. It's as if he never thought it could possibly happen, so now that it is, he's in complete shock. I, on the other hand, just want this process to be over with. I want to move on on my own and be happy.

The "separation" isn't going as I had hoped either. I'm trying to be so delicate with him, because he is hurting, that I'm failing to be stern enough for him to get it. I asked him to make a plan for where he will stay almost two weeks ago, and he hasn't attempted to find any alternate living arrangements. What he's currently doing, is staying scarce. He stays late at work, or late at his training/volunteer stuff/meetings, and doesn't come home until he knows I would be asleep. I've moved to the guest bedroom, because I don't want to share a bed with him anymore. But that's not a solution.

I'm also a bit perturbed by our close circle of friends who have not necessarily taken sides, but second guess my decision. As if it isn't hard enough to do this, I get the people who think it's some flippant choice I made on a whim. I explain how I've been dealing with this feeling for years, but it doesn't seem to get through to them. I know it's new to THEM, but they can't seem to see beyond that and realize this is no new issue to ME. I shouldn't care so much about how they feel, but of course, I do...

[raindancer]

You just keep going through the moves. They'll all realize with time that this is really happening. About your man, careful not to send mixed signs. He may be thinking you'll "go back to your senses" if he lays low.

He has no reason to move out. You want it, not him. You've moved to the guest bedroom, he's where he wants to be.

Perhaps if you'd make the official part of it move forward, he'd realize it's for real and give it a serious thought.

[atskitty2]

Well, then, again, it's time to enforce your word. Hand him some newspaper ads with apartments he can afford, or printouts from the computer, emails or texts with links - whatever your communication choice is...just a few places available. Don't spend much of your time, just a few to give him a reminder, and let him know you mean business & you're not letting him off the hook, and you haven't forgotten what HE is supposed to be doing. If he refuses, then you have to accept that things may get ugly & you may be forced to take less diplomatic approaches, or leave yourself.

I think it's understandable & compassionate of you to take mercy on him, realizing he's in some sort of shock. I'm sure he never thought you'd actually follow through on your threats. But he needs to take action now and you need to reinforce your words now. I'd have made him move out of the bedroom...he is in denial.

Friends & family will never understand, because they weren't there. As I suggested earlier, I think, that sometimes, toward the end, it can help to just share some minor points with people, so they know it isn't as blissful as it appears from the outside, and they aren't caught off guard when the announcement is made.
Be strong KM! You've made the decision & you're moving toward a better, happier place in life. People will talk, things will likely get worse before they get better, but you will be great when it's all over.