[DreamP346]

KMonte, sending you some virtual hugs. I know this probably doesn't feel so great, but I think you know in your heart that it is the right decision. You have been struggling with this for a long time. It will be a struggle, but it will be worth it in the long run.

[KMonte85]

Thanks a lot, Dream. I really wax and wane on if I'm doing the right thing. I called him yesterday after work (we both got done at the same time) and told him we needed to talk very seriously about our future together. He told me we would talk when he was back from his (voluntary) training, and asked if I could just tell him over the phone. There was a lightbulb... your wife just told you in plain English that you need to talk seriously, and you won't forego your plan to attend a voluntary event to do so. So he came home 6 hours later, sat down, and I poured my heart out.

I told him, again, everything that I said almost exactly a year ago. I'm lonely. I feel like I'm not reaping any of the benefits of having a husband. I'm tired of feeling like I have no one to rely on, no one I can trust to help me build the life we talked about. I said I was tired, and I was done. And I finished by saying we need to have a trial separation.

He didn't have much of anything to say. He told me he loved me three times that night, which is probably more than I've heard in a month. He said he didn't want to get a divorce. And he sat silently and wept. I told him I didn't have anything more to say, that he needed to reflect on everything I said, and come back to me tomorrow with his thoughts, and I was going to go to sleep on the couch. That was the last I saw him - he went up to bed and I slept on the couch and was gone to work before he got up. So we'll see what he has to say tonight.

I plan on making myself scarce. He has a lot going on this week, tonight is really the only night he's free, otherwise he's gone to various meetings every night. I have a good friend who I can stay with this weekend to get out of town. Then I think he needs to move out for a while. That will be the next discussion.

[raindancer]

Wow, KMonte. Tough times!

It's a good thing you've told him what is in your heart. How are you feeling?

[KMonte85]

It is tough. This is a man I intended on spending the rest of my life on Earth with. I still love him dearly and see that handsome and sweet guy I fell for almost 13 years ago. But we've grown apart so much, and every warning I've given has been ignored. As much as I love him, and probably always will, I have to love me more now. And I can't live with someone who is so apathetic towards me and the life we were trying to build together.

It's so ironic. If he would show he cares, and give me an indication that I'm important to him any other time than when he thinks he's going to lose me, we would be fine. I don't ask for the world. I don't ask to be coddled or worshiped. I only ask that I matter, that there is a little time carved out in his day to dedicate to me. Now you have the man who has been indifferent, forgetful, passive aggressive, and/or dismissive towards me for years, telling me he loves me so much and he doesn't want to throw away this great thing we've had for 13 years. So I now appear to be the dismissive one. I'm dismissing his feelings and his wishes to stay a couple - which seem very foreign to me. I'm so used to dropping everything for him, that this just seems... strange. Where was this passion when he had the chance? He had all the time in the world. He took it for granted. He took me for granted.

To say I'm hurting is an understatement. But, as has been the case for the last couple years, I'm fantastic at keeping up appearances. So I tell him I'm hurting and I explain my stance, but I don't break down. I talk about my feelings with him and ask for him to express himself to me. I also talk about my feelings with my most trusted family and friends. I'm lucky to have a tight circle of people. I keep it together, but on the inside I'm broken and defeated.

[raindancer]

It is sad. He may even love you like he says he does, but the way he is about you isn't enough for you. And it sounds like it doesn't come natural to him to express his love the way you'd feel happy with.

This thing of suddenly not wanting to lose and the like is very typical. It's called inertia. The great thing you've had for 13 years wasn't great for half of the people in your relationship. Not if you're feeling so hurt, now. And it is amazing one of you didn't care the other was feeling bad in the relationship. You've told him that before, and he didn't really take measures to make you happy. The most sincere expression of love is to want to make the person we love happy. When we do love, it feels good to make him/her feel good. Think of it: he says you're wanting to throw away a great thing that lasted 13 years... he is completely ignoring the fact you're exactly telling him it wasn't that great. He isn't listening to you. You're talking to a wall. There are few things worse than talking to a wall, when it comes to make us feel lonely within a relationship. He isn't acknowledging you. What else would you have to do to be really listened by this man?

I'm happy to know you have friends and family you trust and who support you through these difficult times.

I send you a big hug. Time heals. This will begin to get better after it's over.

[KMonte85]

I'm going to have to look into relationship inertia - thank you for that, Rain! I think there might be something there I haven't researched, and I want to be as educated about what's going on as I possibly can. Even if I can't fix this, I want to understand it. There's so much more going on here than a guy who won't prioritize me, I think.

I still fear he doesn't quite grasp the severity of this. He and I chatted briefly last night, he said he doesn't think splitting is a good idea or would help. I told him he needs to understand what living without me entails, because I'm used to living without him. But that was the end of that. I doubt he's even thought to look at finding somewhere else to stay. I think he just hopes this whole thing will blow over. It won't. It will be a difficult conversation, for sure. First you break someone's heart, blindside them (even if they should have seen it coming), and then you tell them that they're no longer welcome in their home. Yikes... I feel like such a jerk. The guilt I feel about all this is so overwhelming, even if the end justifies the means.

[effy2014]

You are already well into the grieving process and, it seems in your mind, that the marriage is over. As you wrote, he has not yet grasped this concept, just as he has not been able to comprehend the depth of your despair or his role in it. Brace for the anger . . . having been through this process myself and with my SO and others, his anger may come with such force that you will not recognize the man you married.

I have two practical suggestions. Accept or disregard at will. The first is to document, for yourself and, eventually for him, the steps that you have taken to inform him of your feelings and to save the marriage and his lack of change. For you it will be both therapeutic and reassuring that you have made more than reasonable efforts to save the marriage. It will also serve as the document in response when his anger turns on you. Do it now when things are fresh in your mind since you have probably been going over and over it anyway.

Second, do not rely on him to absolve you from initiating the divorce. I know this seems odd, but most sensitive and caring women do not wish to be viewed as the "bad person" who ruined her husband's life . . . especially if he cannot see his role in the process and blames only you. My SO literally spent over a year trying to get her ex to "understand" and his refusal to stop blaming her kept the wounds open. You seem to have the same personality trait of blaming yourself for taking the appropriate action to keep your own sanity. Start now to find peace in your decision making and not to rely on absolution from a man who may never let you off the hook.

Divorce is not a cowards way out. It is a last resort. There is alot of pain and anguish that both of you will suffer. However, you will be stronger and happier. Most importantly, you will have learned the character traits that are truly important in your next relationship and that will make you happy for a lifetime. Please update us so we can lend support.

[KMonte85]

Thanks, effy. I'm trying to brace myself for the potential backlash. And also trying to stop beating myself up over this. I feel terrible about this, and it kills me to hurt him so deeply. But I keep reminding myself that he's hurting because of his own (in)actions. I've been hurting for a long time, and he had the opportunity to fix it. I need to forgive myself for the pain I'm causing him.

I'm sure in time, he, his family, and many of his/our friends will vilify me for this. I'm the initiator and therefore this is my fault, my doing - particularly because I'm not leaving him for any amount of abuse or cheating. So I'm preparing for that, too.

I went out to dinner with a girlfriend I haven't seen in a long time last night and it was great to catch up and forget about the tension at home or a while. My husband had a meeting so he didn't come home until well after I was asleep. I told him previously that I'm going to leave this weekend and stay with my parents or some friends. I'll probably leave Friday night and come home Monday after work. I'm also trying to come up with the words and timing to tell him HE needs to leave on a more permanent basis. I don't think that's hit him yet. I left this weekend, because he needs to process this. But really, when we get right down to it, he is the person who has to move out.

That's going to be tough. I haven't exactly found the words I need yet... how do you tell someone you a) want a separation that will probably lead to divorce and then shortly after say b) you need to get out of my house as part of this process?

[effy2014]

I'm not sure that there are any "right" words. You have explained how you feel ad nausium. You might want to leave the door a bit open to give him the impetus to leave. "Sometimes the best way to save a marriage is to separate for a while and sort through the emotions . . ." And then give the reasons why you feel that the house is "yours".

You are right to brace youself to be the bad guy. It will come from places you least expect. Of course, the passive person always gets treated like the victim. There will be "friends" who will think that you had the perfect marriage and will be crushed. There will be "friends" who will be jealous that you had the fortitude to make the move that they do not have the guts to do. Older folks will not even understand the concept that you have the right to be happy in a marriage.

One other piece of advice. Many people, even those with good intentions, will not know how to react to the divorce and will stay away from you so as not to get involved or take sides. If there are people you will need to rely upon, I suggest that you take the initiative and make the first contact. Let them know that it is not an either you or your ex scenario and that you will need their friendship. If you wait for a friend to make the move to comfort you, you may lose a friend.

I assume that you have either tried counseling or that you feel it will not work.

Even though you have initiated the divorce, do not deny yourself the need to continue through the grieving process. It will be hard to be alone, even though you've spent a good deal of your marriage alone. There is a difference between waiting for someone and knowing that no one will be there. It will take some time to adjust. Understand, however, that being alone is far far far better then being in a bad marriage, even one that is not abusive.

[atskitty2]

I really like effy's advice to brace for the anger. I have found that a process of grief accompanies a marriage crumbling & eventually divorce. You go through such similar stages. We're grieving the loss of that person in our life, although not by death. We're grieving the loss of a future & all we'd believed in. So many things we have valued are lost in the dissolving of that relationship. Anger is one of those stages that we tend to forget about. Maybe you've already gone through that stage, but he's likely not reached it. It could come soon, but really, it could come after months, when you are not expecting it. He seems in a sort of denial state of mind.