[jns]

KM, I'm sorry it has came to this, but you cannot live your life unhappy with your spouse. You are doing the right thing. Best wishes.

[KMonte85]

He has been excellent at avoiding me. I wrote him a long note, explaining that I am -without question- done with our marriage. I gave him some paperwork he needs to read so he understands the process, and I asked him to tell me when we can talk. I'm giving him a few days to read before I basically corner him in the house and force the conversation as he was busy with work. I know he took the papers, but I don't know that he's spent the time to read them yet. I want to file together, but if he won't cooperate, I know I will need to file myself and serve him.. which is unfortunate. I'm leaving for a business trip in Asia later this month for two weeks, and I had hoped to at least get the papers signed and submitted by then. One way or another....

The friends have been fed some high level information to help explain why this is happening. Some still don't know, but I'm sure the news will spread fast.

[effy2014]

I suggest that you go see an attorney before you leave for Asia. Strange things can happen when you are out of town and you need to preserve your right to remain in the house.

I have seen the friend dispersal too many times to be surprised. No matter what you say, people have definite opinions about everyone else's marriage. Unless her or she has bruises, the one who initiates the divorce is always the bad guy and the other partner is always the victim (a role your soon to be ex seems to play well).

[KMonte85]

Hallelujah he signed the paperwork! Unfortunately, he filled his portion out incorrectly... so he needs to fix it and re-sign it. But the good news is, I have it signed and dated that he will vacate the house. And he's told me he is moving in with his parents in the interim until he finds a more permanent space. he's back on his work schedule now, so I won't expect move progress out of him until he's off again. But... progress is progress. At this point, while I'm still very sad it all came down to this, I'm also looking forward to the process being done so we can both move on to hopefully happier days ahead.

[effy2014]

That is great. You have done a wonderful job walking him through the process while doing your own grieving. It is sad, but you did everything you could to make it work.

[KMonte85]

I'm at an unfortunate point now, where things are not progressing as quickly as I had hoped. He has made very little effort on his part to complete the additional paperwork so we can avoid the pretrial hearing. He has not found a place to stay or a storage unit for his things, as he said he would. All in all, very stagnant. I'm beginning to feel like a stranger in my own home, because he's there all the time. I realize that for years this was his living space too, but he's done so very little to help me make our house a home, I'm growing resentful that he is making no effort to leave it behind. For example, I was on a business trip to Asia for two weeks and I came home to a sink full of gross dishes, a house that hadn't been cleaned, and garbage laying around everywhere. I'm sick of it. He told me when I got back from my trip that he would like to stay until he purchases his own house. This to me is unacceptable. First off, it isn't a good time for him to buy, with us still being legally married. Second, he spent our entire marriage shirking responsibilities for OUR home, including the time I was gone (I actually asked my parents to come over to the house while he was working to make sure the pets were ok). Now he wants to stay there and not life a finger while he buys his own place? That's an insult to me.

Perhaps I just need to tough it out until the final hearing, but I'm growing wearing of sleeping in the guest room, using the guest bath, and not being able to enjoy my own kitchen/living room/yard without feeling like I'm intruding. This last weekend was his weekend off of work, and I spent it couch surfing at a couple of friends' places while he stayed in the house. I also have a few spring projects I want to do, but that involves him getting his various piles of stuff out of the way so I have room to do the work he didn't.

Again, this may just be me being impatient, but I'm kind of having a tough time living under one roof. It's a bit emotionally exhausting, even if I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I just have to tell myself, I lived this way for many years, perhaps a couple months more isn't the worst. Or maybe I force the issue and try to get him to move soon???

[atskitty2]

What does your lawyer say should be your next step?
Is the home jointly owned?

Honestly, I'm puzzled by your actions. If I were your husband, I wouldn't see any rush. You've given him run of the place, as it were. You gave him the master bedroom & bath, and moved into the guest room. You say you can't enjoy the kitchen & other areas of the house without feeling like an intruder, and last weekend, when he was off, you spent it at a friends place. What motivation or reason does he have to move? You're making all the accommodations work out just splendidly for him! You're allowing him to prevent you from beginning Spring projects...
I have to say, that if I were him, I'd be thinking YOU were the one intending to vacate.

You are having a tough time living under one roof because you're the one being inconvenienced. If it's your home, he's agreed to move out, then the ball is in your court to ensure he follows instructions. All this, of course, in accordance with the legal agreement you two have reached thus far.
My thought is, be careful here, because if you keep this up, he could claim that YOU are the one who's abandoning. Am I right, dear WHF lawyers? I really don't know, but I think consulting your lawyer is key at this point.

I don't think you're being impatient. A decision has been made, no point in prolonging the inevitable. If his moving is already in agreement, then I think you need to be thinking it's time to be more aggressive. He needs to respect these boundaries now.

I have been on that side, and it isn't easy, but that's how it has to be. I moved out rather quickly, from my marital home. I'd hired a moving company for only 6 hrs (I think it was) so I was in a rush. I forgot some pertinent tax paperwork, among other things, in the office, and didn't discover it until a few months later. I asked my ex-husband at that point if I could come into the home to search for it & make copies. Nope! He wouldn't allow me into the home. That was his call, his prerogative & I respected that. He'd moved in his girlfriend at that time, and I had no legal right to be there. I did ask, nicely & respectfully, if he would look for the ppwk only, as it potentially affected us both in that tax year, and he obliged, and provided what I needed. So, your hubs needs to get out, if that's where the process is legally, and you have to be the one to keep & enforce those boundaries.

You may be trying to prevent this from turning ugly? You may be trying to keep things peaceful as long as possible? No matter how much you are dedicated to your choice, he isn't of like mind. Things will likely not stay amicable, so again, there's no point prolonging the inevitable. A confrontation may be necessary. He may have to be legally removed...I don't know where you are in this whole process. It's been weeks, and he's shown no progress in moving arrangements?

Hope I don't sound unkind or unthoughtful. I just think it's time to "put your foot down" as they say.

[KMonte85]

You're probably right, astkitty. and no, you're not being too harsh! Sorry to hear about the struggle you had in your divorce, but it does put some things into perspective for me so I appreciate you sharing your experience! As far as the house goes, it is in my name alone, purchased 3 years before we were married - I never adjusted any of the paperwork to put anything in his name, and I paid for all the maintenance, taxes, mortgage, insurance, etc myself through my personal (separate) bank account throughout the time we lived together, According to the state, the house is mine and he has no claim to it. I verified that with the court and have a signed affidavit turned in that he is NOT going after the house, equity, or any maintenance.

I think I am just trying to keep the peace and maintain somewhat of a decent report with him. Some of it has to do with making sure he cooperates with completing the paperwork necessary to finalize our divorce, and other things like separating our cell phone plan, changing insurance, etc... things made much easier when someone isn't feeling vindictive or resentful. I'm tiptoe-ing. I have a feeling if I weren't right there to push him to complete his papers, the proceedings would be drawn out far longer than they need to because he wouldn't do it. Some of it is trying to be as kind as possible to him. I may not want to live with him, but I do still care about him.. I always will. And it still feels callous to throw him out. However, I'm at a point now where I am realizing that I'm maybe being TOO nice. I told him in early February that I was done. It is now April, and other than saying he "might" have a storage unit lined up, and that he might live with his parents (he doesn't want to) if he can't find an apartment that will take his dog, he has done nothing beyond filling out the paperwork when pressed to do so.

I guess I just needed that validation that I'm actually not in the wrong for feeling like this.

[atskitty2]

No, you aren't. I think it's time now to act on those feelings. The more the process is dragged out by you, the more enabled he will feel to drag it out as well. It sounds as though there isn't a lot to quibble over, since the home is yours, no children, etc. I hate the analogy about tearing off the band-aid quickly, but it fits here. Thinking of you.

[KMonte85]

Well, he has finally gotten a storage unit after much pressing on my part (asking him every single day if he found something yet), and literally moving his stuff outside that I needed moved so I could put the replacements there (lawnmower, etc.. that he's taking). Seems silly, but it worked! He's moved two of his larger items, his smaller stuff (clothes, household goods, etc) are still unmoved, but I'll take any amount of progress I can get! He still hasn't found an apartment that I know of.

Meanwhile, I'm going about my business.. doing work on the house, getting the yard up to par, starting to paint... just things to get my mind off of the situation, while still making some needed improvements, and showing him that I'm moving forward and he needs to as well. We have a pretrial hearing set for June 8, but I'm hoping that because we have our paperwork all in order, we can bypass that and go straight to the final hearing so we can both move on.

We'll see!