[rcoreyus]

People in relationships should feel free to talk to other people. To engage in random activities without being questioned. You can't and shouldn't live your life wondering what the next thing that causes suspicion will be.

It isn't clear why he changed: rumors from other people? Complacency from being married? His own guilt? It also doesn't matter - he is making you unhappy and he needs to fix it. If he won't go to counseling then I don't think you can stay.

[KMonte85]

I wish I knew what sparked the change! I can only assume it has something to do with his new job, as that's about the same timeline. However, it's only assuming because he won't open up to me. He never was great at talking issues out, but I was never met with this much resistance.

It's so unfortunate. I wax and wane between being angry, hurt, frustrated, sad, and exasperated. I miss having a partner in life, and when I try to tell him, he doesn't want to hear it. I see other couples who (at least on the outside) seem to really enjoy each other. I miss that. And I'm sick of playing nice being wife, mother, groundskeeper, housekeeper, etc, etc..

I know a marriage isn't a situation for checks and balances or "score keeping" but I'm getting sick of this feeling so darn one-sided. I feel like I'm pouring my heart and soul into this, with not much return. But I love his so much, it's hard to think that I could, would or even have the thought enter my brain that I would leave. But I feel if I'm going to, I should now before it gets to late and I accidentally get pregnant or devote more years to someone who may not be in love with me as he said he was.

He was working this last weekend, and I came to visit him at work. He seems so happy there. They were working on some things at the station, getting ready for training they have with a bunch of local departments this evening. I knew he was busy, so I didn't stay long, but I hadn't hardly seen him since Friday and I missed him. He laughed and smiled and joked around. His eyes were bright when he was there talking with them. What are they doing that I'm not??? It's unbelievably frustrating that I can see he's is old self there, with them, and then I get a brick wall when he comes home.

I was also kind of nervous when I DID go out this last weekend. I'm on edge now, like I'm worrying about how it looks being out by myself. It NEVER used to bother me, now I keep thinking about who's watching me and what they're interpreting. I've probably mentioned this before, but the vast majority of my friends are male, I've been friends with these guys since childhood.. we used to play tag and ride bikes to the dam to go fishing. It has never once been an issue or led to anything inappropriate. They're my brothers. Now I think to myself.. well, what does it LOOK like when I hang out with them on a Friday night, while my husband is at work? We aren't doing anything wrong, and I value their friendship. But I'm getting paranoid.

Erg. I am beyond frustrated.

[rcoreyus]

Please be careful not to accidentally get pregnant. That would add a layer of complexity to the situation that you absolutely don't need now.

I think you need to just sit down and tell him flat out that you aren't happy, that you want to go to counseling.

My story: For many years (25) my wife's interest in sex had gradually decreased to the point where where were down to once every several months. Nothing I could do would make things better. She interpreted every nice think I did for her as a "bribe" for sex. I was constantly frustrated - feeling used and deprived. This unhappiness spread to all sorts of other things. Both of us very unhappy. About 2 years ago I directly confronted her and told her just how miserable I was. It was a conversation that could very well have ended with my asking for a divorce. Instead (and I still don't understand why) she completely changed. She had been feeling old and unattractive (not true!), maybe thought I was just having sex to humor her (against all reasonable evidence). I think she thought (assumed) I was having an affair. Our love life completely turned around - its fantastic now (for both of us). That improved everything else - we are honestly very happy together. I wish I had done this decades earlier.

So - a direct conversation can work. Maybe he is misinterpreting something. It could fix everything - and if it doesn't, then maybe you don't have that much to loose at this point.

[Little]

So, basically your options are to:
1. continue being miserable and hope hubby snaps out of whatever spell he's in and goes back to being like he was a year ago
2. somehow convince him there is a problem and work together to solve it
3. give up and leave

#1 is unbearable, #3 is odious. #2 feels impossible, but it sounds like the only hope your marriage has. So, formulate a plan. It sounds like you've taken in as much advice as can possibly help you. I think you could both benefit from a sit-down talk. How do you think that would go? What kind of reaction do you think he'd have to a frank discussion about how unhappy you are? Do you think he'd even agree to sit down and listen?

If he won't agree to counseling, open up, or listen to you, what's the consequence? You mentioned leaving, but what would leaving look like? A permanent breakup/divorce? Maybe a trial separation? Where do you go, where does he go, who pays for what in the interim?

And I echo RC's warning about a surprise pregnancy. It would be a very complicated catalyst. In your shoes, I would take every precaution, despite that it may inflame your husband's suspicions.

[KMonte85]

I don't think I will get pregnant. I'm very careful about tracking my cycles and knowing when not to engage. He also pulls out, which I know isn't the BEST.. I've thought about going back on birth control, but I really would like not to.

I did once back in early spring, around March, try to talk to him. I really tried not to be inflammatory or accusatory, no blaming... just "this is what I see and this is how I feel and please tell me what's going on" It didn't go well. He clammed up, said he couldn't do anything right, left the house, and came back sometime late after I had gone to bed and slept on the couch. I tried to broach it again the next morning, and he said he didn't want to talk about it.

I have made smaller comments here and there since then, about missing him, wanting to connect more, but never the full on "sit down we need to talk" conversation because I dread that reaction so much. I'm not trying to hurt his feelings or make him hurt/angry.

I'm not going to see him tonight because of that training, but his shift ends on Wednesday, and either that evening or Thursday, I am going to try again to talk to him again. I have to. It really is the only logical next step, and all I can do is talk and hope he listens to me and takes me seriously.


As for what to do if things don't go well... I'll probably ask him to move out, at least for a while so that maybe he'll realize what NOT having me in his life will be like. The house is in my name (yes, we live in a 50/50 state so I realize that doesn't mean much legally). I purchased it and lived in it a year before he moved in with me. I also pay all the bills related to our living expenses, and would continue to do so, except for the rent/etc for whatever he living situation would be.

[Little]

I'll have my fingers crossed for you and hope it goes well. Feel free to contact me personally if you need an immediate ear <3

[jns]

The house is in my name (yes, we live in a 50/50 state so I realize that doesn't mean much legally). I purchased it and lived in it a year before he moved in with me.

The 50/50 starts when you got married. Most courts would not give a spouse 50% of what was earned and bought before marriage. You have the equity of your down payment and whatever portion of the principle you paid off with your funds before getting married unless you rewrote the deed.

[Stillness]

I'm not trying to beat a dead horse, but some people really don't take their mate flirting well. It's not fully cheating, but it's a violation to me and many others. It is not lighthearted or "adult."

My wife has been very angry with me when women flirted and I didn't shut them down even though I didn't prompt it or engage them. If friends told me that my wife was out flirting with someone, it would be a great dishonor. It could cause me to lose trust.

I would not take anyone's word over hers, but if two or more people that appeared to have my best interest at heart gave the same report, it would probably affect us. I would give her a fair chance to defend herself, but everyone is different.

It's a thought.

[rcoreyus]

The importance of flirting depends on the people involved. It doesn't bother me at all if my wife flirts a bit or tells me how attractive the waiter at the pizza shop is. Its not a reflection on me.

I'd completely ignore any rumors that she was cheating. I wouldn't believe it, but also I guess that unlike most people it wouldn't matter all that much to me.

[KMonte85]

I need to take this off course and rant for a moment about my "flirting"

Rant:

I honestly don't THINK I flirt. I've been told that I do. However, my behavior revolves around engaging in polite conversation, and light-hearted bantering/teasing. I have a sarcastic sense of humor and I like to talk to people and engage them in discussions. This seems to be translated into flirting.. I smile and show interest in what a gentleman says to me, so therefore I'm hitting on him, obviously, opposed to just being a friendly and welcoming person. So, of course, then I get hit on and overtly flirted with. Such is the plight with (dare I say) MOST women.

End rant.

_________________________________

Thanks, jns, for the clarification. I was always under the impression that even those possessions we obtained prior to marriage were subject to 50/50.

_________________________________

Otherwise, I have no update. Last night my husband had some training so he didn't come home until 11:00. I had gone to work, came home and made dinner and his lunch for the next day, and did yard work until it got dark. By then, I was really tired and was asleep an hour or two before my husband got home, so I didn't talk to him at all.