[Euphoric]

K,

Thanks for the update. I've thought about you a lot over the weekend, hoping you'd be able to make some positive progress. Unfortunately, it sounds like your attempt wasn't met with mutual respect

I agree with your idea to go to counseling. If nothing else, you will know that you exhausted all avenues to repair the relationship. Sleeping on the couch and refusing to go to your nephew's birthday party was spiteful. There is a reason he is shutting your attempts down and he should be man enough to have a mature conversation. IMO, he owes you that much.

Concerned and hoping for the best!
(The ears offer stands )
Euphoric

[KMonte85]

Now the problem is.. finding the counseling. I have never in my life sought out outside help. I live in a relatively rural area. Do you think if I went to my GP, she might be able to make a referral?

There are different kinds of counselors, correct? I wonder if it's better for me to seek out a marriage counselor, but go myself... or if I should see a generalist.. or... ??? yikes.

[Euphoric]

Your GP should have professional contacts and be able to point you in the right direction. (I'm not sure - your insurance may require a referral?) Since your situation is marriage related, then a marriage counselor would probably be best. If there aren't genre specific counselors nearby, then a generalist may be your only alternative. You could do a google search to see what pops up and to get a rough idea.

[DreamP346]

Also, check with your insurance. They usually don't cover as many therapists so there is usually a limited number of folks you can pick from. Also, they only cover a given number of sessions per year. However, most therapists will be very willing to work with you. For example, the therapists my sister was seeing was considered out of network, which meant she would have to pay 40%. But the therapist said he would forgo the 40% he was supposed to collect from her. This is pretty common among therapists.

Seeing a couples therapist is best since that is what they specialize in. They are often called Marriage and Family Therapists. Ask around. Your PCP, your GYN, your friends, any local forums you belong to, Angies List, etc. Also, you may have to shop around. Each therapist utilizes different models to therapy. Some are focused a lot on religion and your upbringing. Others are focused on changing behavior (regardless of your background). Some are really focused on making changes while others want to be that ear to listen to. You need to figure out what type of therapy works best for you and find somebody who works with you. However, don't expect any significant changes to happen in a few weeks. Therapy takes a long time. A minimum of 6 weeks.

good luck

[CHANDLERS WISH]

We only get one life to live (depending on one's beliefs) and I won't live mine in a perpetual state of "meh

My favourite saying ... only I add, "once" as who we are.

I think it would be great for you, because you need to be focused on it's not me, it's him, it's not him, it's me.. remain neutral in the situation because he's not being forthcoming as to why he is acting this way. By going to counselling you also are keeping yourself on check and remaining true to yourself.

[KMonte85]

thanks, CW! I've been trying very hard to remain true to myself, be neutral, and to not place blame. I can't figure out what I did to make him change (if anything) and he won't open up. He prefers to put on a show like everything is ok in public and be a jerk in private, probably because it's easier than facing the issue head-on. So the unfortunate truth is that I'm beginning to point fingers.

I've been looking at counselors in my area that specialize in relationship issues. Unfortunately, most are not in my insurance network. So I set up an appointment with my GP to see if I can get her to write me a referral, so I can hopefully get my insurance to approve it... which also means I can't be picky about which counselor I go to. It will be a battle, but I'm going to try because I can't afford to go to counseling without insurance covering the cost, but I also think it would benefit me greatly in trying to get this situation with my husband resolved.

At the moment, I feel like we're playing chicken... like he's calling my bluff in how serious I am about this. I flat out told him on Friday, after he refused to talk anymore, that if we don't fix us, there won't be an US anymore because I can't live like this. He pretended he was asleep on the couch, but I hope, even if he didn't listen, that he HEARD me.

[Little]

Nothing useful to add, but I'm rooting for you. Hopefully you will get a good counselor from the get go - if not, at least the act of going may open hubby's eyes ... no matter how tightly he shuts them.

[KMonte85]

I'm really struggling finding counseling in my area that isn't going to break the bank, which is unfortunate. Neither of our insurance companies seem to offer much coverage in this respect. I guess I never really noticed that gap in my health coverage before. I can't even use my flex spend money on counseling sessions because it doesn't qualify. I guess the good news is my job offers phone counseling for free with a licensed counselor, which I've used and the lady I spoke with seems nice. It's the best I can do for now until I figure something else out (may be looking into free/reduced priced counseling with university programs), although I can't say for sure how much it is going to help me. I can work through my thoughts just fine on my own. I know what I want and need and how to communicate it.

I also hope to have another vacation with my husband soon. My birthday is in about 2 weeks, and he asked me what I wanted him to get me. I told him I don't want any "gift" perse, but what I really want is for him to plan a weekend vacation for just the two of us, in the WI Dells. Nothing fancy, no pressure, we can stay in a Motel 8 for all I care, but I want us to spend the weekend together doing fun things and reconnecting. He has off of work for 7 days straight starting tomorrow, which should give him plenty of time to make it happen.

I don't want to call this birthday a TEST... because I don't want to put undue pressure on him OR myself.. but, honestly, it kind of is. Basically, if I end up with what I was given for my birthday last year (a gift card for a gas station he frequents on his way home from work and birthday card probably from that same gas station ), it will be a watershed moment for me.

As for the last week or so since my update, not much has changed. Again, we don't really "fight" at all, but conversations are short and mundane, along the lines of appointment reminders and things we need from the grocery store or how busy/slow our workdays were. SAFE conversation, not intimate exchange. He had to work last weekend and was, again, upset with me for going out with friends. I was invited to attend a Jimmy Buffett concert with a group of about 20 friends, mostly my friends from work.. all of whom my husband has met. I could tell he was unhappy with me as he texted me to "have some self control for once in my life" when I mentioned I would be going and probably wouldn't be home yet when he got in at 10pm. So obviously, he didn't want me to go, but I chose to anyway and had a great time, albeit I did feel guilty. I also did not go out with my volleyball team last night after the game. I went straight home, and the rest of the evening my husband napped and watched old TV series reruns, so I got some laundry done, made our lunches for the next day, played games on my phone and facebooked until it was time for bed. I can't say I was pleased, but at least he wasn't upset which is what I'm trying to go for as much as I can.

I keep thinking about what I can do to make things better, and I keep coming to these roadblocks.. everything I've tried thus far either isn't registering with him, or makes me feel miserable. I'm starting to wonder if I just had too high of expectations for what my life and marriage should be like, and I need to come to terms with reality to make this work. But I don't know if that's going to be ok for me. I've always been of the opinion that I would rather be single, fulfilled and happy, than feel stifled and stagnated in a relationship. However, I can't imagine being so emotionally detached from him that I would want to leave him and never really speak to him again, I also can't imagine him being emotionally detached from me and moving on with another person. There is still LOVE there, but certainly no intimacy, passion, or communication.

I've spent a lot of last weekend reflecting, per the direction of the counselor I spoke to on the phone. Sunday I went to a lake, by myself, and just sat there, enjoyed the scenery, and thought. Thought about how I can make this work. Thought about what I should do if I can't get the change I seek to occur. Thought about time, past, present, and how I want my future to look. Thought about what truly makes me happy and what I need out of life. I'm at a major crossroads, because I can't really see my future without my husband in it in some way, shape, or form... but I also can't see living a life without a partner, companionship, passion, or intimate communication.

[rcoreyus]

Your expectations are not too high! You should expect in a marriage that you will enjoy spending time with your partner, that they will love and trust you, and you will be able to love and trust them. You may have occasional arguments, but that in general your interactions will be pleasant. Summing it up, it is completely reasonable to expect to be HAPPY. If you are not, and you can't find a way to fix it, then you should find someone else.

[lizzardb63]

KMonte...never realized you were from WI. Me too.... the Dells would be a great place for a mini vacation