[KMonte85]

thanks corey.. it would just be great if we could get back to making each other happy. For as much as I can say it hurts that he isn't making me happy, it almost hurts WORSE that I don't seem to be able to make HIM happy anymore.

lizz - The Dells was the first "couple vacation" we ever went on together, and we haven't been back in years. It's about 2 hours from where we live, and we both enjoyed our time there. I'm hoping he takes the blatantly obvious hint!

[lizzardb63]

That's about the same distance we are from there as well. That would be nice if you could go back there. It would bring back old memories.

[Little]

I wanna go to the Dells! My in-laws are always going there, and the hotels with the water slides look awesome. We spend our vacation budget on the gas getting to WI though, so it's probably out of the question.

I would be furious about the self-restraint comment. Was there any context to that, outside of the concert? I know what JB concerts are like, but booze and fun in public don't seem that bad. "For once in your life" is fightin' words.

[Stillness]

I was thinking about this thread as I was cleaning this morning before I left. It feels like bizarro world, but I'm now definitely the one that does more housecleaning. A few years ago my wife was complaining about me. She actually linked our sexual lack to my lack of participation in household chores. I figured out that that was nonsense. But now I don't care. I'm getting the house in order just because it makes me feel good. I've been so particular about it that she slinked back to bed this morning shamefully because I had made it and she was going to mess it up. So I had to make it twice. Our bed has never been made regularly for our entire marriage! Not by her or me. Now I'm all of a sudden OCD about it and the whole house.

I was thinking very deeply about what's going on. Why, all of a sudden am I doing stuff that I learned decades ago, but never applied? The conclusion that I came to is that at 37 I'm still maturing. I don't know if it's a man thing or an individual thing, but I accept it now. I'm growing. Now more than ever I don't buy the claim that men don't change, because I definitely am. It would have been so unfortunate if she had left me because of my lack there only to have me turn into the very thing she wanted. I'm not perfect by any means, but I'm still working on it. And after 13 years, I think we're finally moving toward being on the same page.

It just takes time. It's why so many fail. It's not that they're not good people or don't love each other. It's that they don't have the stick-to-itiveness to push through the rough times.

[atskitty2]

I keep coming back here because your story so interests me. At times I'd thought maybe you 2 had settled into the routine, mundane life that marriage can be. Then he makes comments about your self control...there's something going on in his mind that's changed his perspective. Something has got to cause him to finally open up...I just have no idea what it will take.

Have you asked him if he is happy? Just in a serious but non-confrontational way? Maybe that could open the gates...ask him if he could change anything, what it would be.

I am divorced...our downward spiral began similarly. I try to advise you in ways that my counselor was advising me to try to engage him. I went to a counselor alone for 2 yrs before calling it quits. We were simply roommates by then...with no effort to be more, on his part.
I am pulling for you and the effort toward saving your marriage. As weird as this may sound, at least he's still making comments like that one and offering some clues to his problems...there's hope.
Hang in there.

[Euphoric]

A smoldering fire will eventually go out unless the flame is stoked and fuel is added. Your husband has chosen not to disclose the source, which causes me to raise a curious brow. Unless you learn who is stoking the flame and why, I feel like you are spinning your wheels.

He is the one with the problem. Telling you to exercise self-control for once was a backhanded blow. So long as he chooses to be disrespectful and not trust you, I'm not sure there is anything you can do.

You aren't doing anything wrong. Be careful not to lose yourself while seeking answers. It can be maddening and build insurmountable resentment.

I hope he heeds your plea for a getaway. Maybe that can be a turning point to this derailment.

[KMonte85]

Little, I'm hoping that we do go to the Dells, and that we do enjoy ourselves. It's a great area with lots to do and see and experience. I am completely washing my hands of any planning, except if he asks me a questions regarding what I may be interested in. But I'm leaving it ENTIRELY up to him.

The self control comment was a bit of out left field for me.. we've said those words ("for once in your life") playfully before when we were being sarcastic and joking, but he was not playing around when he said it. He's told me I "party too much" but he only references when I go out without him. I was furious at that text, but I chose to just not respond and enjoy my time with friends. And as mentioned earlier, I don't really think that I do go out too much! I don't do any more social activities than when he wasn't working on weekends and we were doing them together. Then it was fine. Now it seems it's not.

Stillness, I agree with the sentiment that things could potentially change in the future. The difference being I am absolutely, unequivocally not going to give it the time that you and your wife did. I admire your perseverance and your patience, however, I don't have 10 years in me to give.

atskitty2, thank you for your kind words and wisdom. I appreciate hearing from people who have been there. I have definitely tried to engage him. I've tried to ask the questions. And, unfortunately, at this time, I'm not hearing anything back yet. He's shut me out, and I don't even really know why. Hopefully we can turn this around. If I didn't have hope for us, I would have met with my lawyers already.

[KMonte85]

I just want to thank everyone again for your support, brainstorming, words of wisdom, and kindness. It really means a lot to me. For as much as I love my friends and family at home, I just don't think they really "get" it all the time, and it can feel pretty lonely trying to hash this out on my own, or with people who seem to have an agenda outside of being honest and caring.

[Claret]

I haven't said anything on this thread but I just want to tell you what I told my daughter when she was in a relationship that really had its problems. I told her when she asked me if she should leave...You leave when the pain of leaving is less than the pain of staying in the relationship. Until then, there is hope, and there can be things done to make it easier, you just have to figure out between the two of you, exactly what those things are. For one week focus on what your partner is feeling and thinking, then try and talk things out.

[Trisha23]

when we get married there are so many things we should sacrifice,one of that is the thing we likes to do. its your choice if you stick to that relationship or maybe your husband is a possessive type.