[Ashlee T.]

Steph.... don't feel shallow. I know alot of people say penis size doesn't matter....and to some that's the honest truth, but for others it's not. When you've fallen in love with someone, THEN find out about the smallness, that's one situation. When you find out about the smallness BEFORE falling in love, and that smallness limits the sexual pleasure you're used to, that's a whole different situation.

People may call you shallow. They may even tell you that "if you love this person it shouldn't matter", but it's not fair to say that to someone who is 4 mths into a relationship. At 4 mths, most the time it's safe to say you're not in love...you're just getting to know the person etc. And maybe you love the things you have learned of him so far...and this one thing is a disappointment. I don't think that's shallow. Some guys like big breasts and are not attracted at all to women with small ones, or vice versa. The difference is, that upon meeting the woman a guy can see if they're big or small. Then he can make his decision before even asking the girl out. Where penises are concerned, we're not that lucky.

Is love more important than size? Absolutely, without a doubt. But in the early part of the relationship when you're seeing the "pros and cons" of that person and deciding whether or not they're long term material or not.... size most certainly matters if it affects your sexual pleasure. Ignoring something important to you in the early stages of a relationship, is what I'd call settling just so you have someone to be with.

Try the toy idea, try incorporating some new ideas into sex. If you really care about this guy and see a possible future with him, then work at it. If you think you can't get past it, find a way to respectfully get out. He can't do anything about the size of his penis, obviously. But you can't do anything about your feelings either.

[FeministBen]

I think bringin it up with him is a bad idea.

Obviously it won't actually change the size of his penis so it doesn't really achieve much and also men can be REALLY sensitive about that sort of thing. I feel kinda bad for him just readin your post. I wana buy him a drink and give him a hug

The poor sex thing though... I guess you could spin the old 'I can't climax during sex' line so he spends more time on foreplay. I'd focus on ways of improving your sexual relationship rather than mentioning directly the source of its shortcomings.

[newhere808]

I'll take the other side here. If penis size is important to you, that is your choice. Much better to leave the relationship before it goes too far, than to continue if you will be unhappy. If you are unhappy, he will be unhappy. Eventually you will find someone who better meets your needs, and he will find someone who appreciates his qualities.

Typically I would agree with the other side of this arguement, but given the short time the two of you have been together, I agree with rcoreyus.

You could try HD suggestion, but personally I doubt that any guy wouldn't put two and two together if you had a sex toy that was noticably larger than him, especially if you use it with any frequency.

Another idea you may wish to look into is Kegel excercises to contribute to how tight you are, and you may draw more pleasure from the experience over all.

[rcoreyus]

He probably knows he is small. He might have no problem with you using a toy, it might make him feel there was less pressure on him. Of course maybe you don't find a toy as enjoyable.

In any case, we can't control what we are and are not attracted to. If you leave him, you don't need to tell him why. You can use the old "not ready to settle down yet" excuse, tell him its not his fault.

BTW - this is yet another argument for not waiting until you are married to have sex.

[Iseulda]

I'll take the other side here. If penis size is important to you, that is your choice. Much better to leave the relationship before it goes too far, than to continue if you will be unhappy. If you are unhappy, he will be unhappy. Eventually you will find someone who better meets your needs, and he will find someone who appreciates his qualities.

There's a lot of wisdom in that.

Thanks, I wish it wasn't important to me, it's such a superficial thing but obviously everyones sexual responses are different and the sex is not what I like or have been able to enjoy before. But he is a lovely guy..

Sexual compatibility is hugely important to a relationship. Here, and on another forum I post at, I am constantly reading posts of one half of a couple who have either grown apart sexually or were never compatible and it has huge ramifications for the relationship as a whole. Some people are OK with getting little to no pleasure from their partner and dealing with their appetites through masturbation - some are not. There is no right or wrong about it. If part of your sexuality is the need to get pleasure from your partner then that's the way you are.

You have a choice now. Continue with the relationship and trying to find satisfaction from stimulation other than penetrative sex. Are his oral skills any good? (If my guy lost his member in a freak accident (God forbid!) I could happily stay with him and get all my pleasure from the way he uses his fingers and mouth.) Your other choice is to call it quits and try to find someone else with whom you are more compatible. If you choose that don't feel bad about it - like I said, it's integral to the relationship.

I think bringin it up with him is a bad idea.

Obviously it won't actually change the size of his penis so it doesn't really achieve much and also men can be REALLY sensitive about that sort of thing. I feel kinda bad for him just readin your post. I wana buy him a drink and give him a hug

The poor sex thing though... I guess you could spin the old 'I can't climax during sex' line so he spends more time on foreplay. I'd focus on ways of improving your sexual relationship rather than mentioning directly the source of its shortcomings.

I think if she is going to continue the relationship then she has to talk to him. He's going to be aware of his size. I've yet to meet a man who isn't. I think it'd be even worse for him if she lies about the reason she's not enjoying sex because he will know anyway and then feel even worse. And why should she push the problem back on herself and she she has an issue when she doesn't - how will that help them fix it?

Besides, she doesn't have to be rude and say 'your equipment's too small, I don't get off - do something about it!', does she?

For a start - it's not just the size that is the issue, he goes on long after she's bored. From a female point of view I can tell you that is no fun. One can feel like one is just being used as a masturbation aid. If they are going to stay together he needs to learn to read her signals (and she his) and they are both going to have to talk about what works and what doesn't.

BTW - this is yet another argument for not waiting until you are married to have sex.

Amen.

[steph69]

Hi Iseulda, yes he has oral skills and that is fine, maybe I enjoy the pentration side more than other women.

Without being too graphic the toys I have had in the past have been for clitoral fun and putting something large inside me in and out.. doesn't really appeal compared to a penis IMO with a man attached !

I have done kegels over the years as I have had two children and I don't feel 'loose' down there.

With regard to would I have had the relationship if I had known about his penis then yes I would because I would have instinctively thought that it may not matter or could be worked round, I haven't had a lot of lovers, I was with my ex hubby for 16 years.

As you say Iseulda the penetration, which can go on for 40 minutes or so, is thoroughly awful. What I miss, again without being too graphic, is the feeling of pentration and being moved around with the penis inside me going in and out. That is not possible with this guy

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Don't feel guilt.

Here we are talking about sexual desire, what you crave for and need.

16 years married? Means you know in your heart what you are after and in that, this man may have qualities outside size, but so does another man.

Settling is not going to solve anything.

If your not happy, don't beat yourself up and be gentle about another reason as to why.

We live our lives in this body once and once only.

I know as I'm separated after nearly 8 and I would only want all that I didn't have last time. Or, should I say all times before....

If there is no "soul connection" there's nothing you can do as you probably know, we re-size to size... so your not connected in your soul of souls.. Just like alot that you never had but it's not it in totality.

CW

[Iseulda]

Indeed, CW - can't disagree with anything there.

Hi Iseulda, yes he has oral skills and that is fine, maybe I enjoy the pentration side more than other women.

Don't get me wrong, Steph, I'm extremely fond of penetration too - when asked to state a preference between that and oral I always answer "Can't I have both??"

Without being too graphic the toys I have had in the past have been for clitoral fun and putting something large inside me in and out.. doesn't really appeal compared to a penis IMO with a man attached !

I'm with you there, too - there is no comparison.

I have done kegels over the years as I have had two children and I don't feel 'loose' down there.

With regard to would I have had the relationship if I had known about his penis then yes I would because I would have instinctively thought that it may not matter or could be worked round, I haven't had a lot of lovers, I was with my ex hubby for 16 years.

As you say Iseulda the penetration, which can go on for 40 minutes or so, is thoroughly awful. What I miss, again without being too graphic, is the feeling of pentration and being moved around with the penis inside me going in and out. That is not possible with this guy

I think it is such a shame that you even feel you have to put up with 40 minutes of awfulness. The fact that he's not tuned in enough to you to notice over the course of 40 mins that you are not having fun is a big no-no for me. Please, if you do carry on seeing him and have sex again do not lie there and suffer it. Tell him, 'Sorry, I'm just not enjoying this - let's do something else'. Perhaps he'd finish quicker if you gave him oral, which should also be easier as he's smaller.

And just to repeat - if you need a man with a larger penis to enjoy sex and you need sex to fully enjoy a relationship then that is just the way you are. It isn't shallow, you have tried to work round it. I think if the connection was there with this man then you would find a way, that does seem to be happening.

[steph69]

Thanks Iseulda, I have finished him off with oral before, which again I find strange as obviously I can easily fit it into my mouth.

I've had a look at penis information on the internet and it seems literally only a tiny proportion of men are as small as him.

[Hopeless Dork]

There are some women that penetration doesn't do anything for them, and would have no problems being with a man with a small penis.

If you enjoy penetration, it just might be that he's not a good match for your needs. If sex in important to your happiness like it is for many people, its probably good to decide that now, before either of you are emotionally invested for years and you finally decide its just not enough.

I love penetration myself, but for me I don't need it deep or thick to be satisfied. I enjoy finger penetration as much as intercourse. Its just a spot in me that needs a little stroking that isn't that deep in that does the trick. But all of our bodies are different and respond to different forums of stimulation.

My boyfriend has an above average, well above average, large penis.. and I love it, because I love him. Its visual/mental stimulation to see it, touch it, and play with it... I will admit that.. but for sex the physical sensation of his penis isn't better than when he fingers me, it all feels just as good.

I am not saying this is you, obviously you have discussed what your problem with his size is -- but some women are mentally turned off by a smaller penis, visually unnapealed and don't enjoy the sex as much even though the stimulation is adequate... because they immediatly assume : small penis = bad sex.... so a mental block develops, they think they won't be satisfied and so aren't.